Shall I just go to the restaurant my DH booked or say something?

[reversegear]

For context we are in marriage counseling mostly for him being passive and leaving me to carry the load and me being the leader and stepping in, plus lots of other issues, but the lady said he needed to stop asking me what I want and be more decisive, she was also eluding to saying “I’ve looked at these three places, which would you prefer” she’s meaning real deep effort and thought.

Anyhow we have the meeting on Thursday and on Friday he’s like right we are out on Saturday night. Ok great that’s a start but when I said am I allowed to ask where, he gave me the name of the place we always go to and have been say 6-7 times, it’s lovely expensive restaurant but it’s the very easy simple go-to option and there isn’t much on the menu I fancy as they change it.

I feel really deflated, and a bit angry that’s he’s kind of just gone for something quick and easy, he’s not even sat down and looked at a new place.

i know this is part of the process, but everything in me wants to say something, and look at alternatives or just say don’t bother.

Or do you think I have to carry this and go along and the focus ny feeling with the marriage counselor?

For context he’s never booked anything.

You want him to take the lead but you also want him to read your mind and do exactly what you want. You're the problem in this scenario, maybe you've been the problem all along without realising it. If this is what he gets for taking the lead, why would he bother?

Go to the place he’s booked, tell him it’s nice he made an effort to plan something, after eating tell him you enjoyed the meal but there wasn’t as much on the menu you liked as usual and suggest he look for a place with good fish / spicy / vegetarian or whatever choices next time.

Then see if he takes that on board and steps up with the next night out he has to plan. It will tell you a lot.

He probably doesn’t take initiative because you criticise. It’s good you’re in counselling, you both have things to learn.

This must be absolutely exhausting to need this level of control! You still think you’re the one in the right?

I’m afraid if I had time to tell the whole story then you really wouldn’t but in this isolated case I’m happy to be told I’m wrong or need to behave differently.

Poor man. I suspect you both think you deserve better than each other.

You’re pissed off with him for a lot of things, so the meal is by-the-by.

Disagree with posters saying that the dynamic is 50/50, it sounds like OP’s H made low effort from the start and that she tolerated it. That doesn’t necessarily mean she’s pushy or whatever. The ‘date’ he organised was low effort.

The relationship doesn’t sound salvageable, so would save the money from the counselling and separate.

It’s interesting that you say he has always been like this. So this is the man you did choose to date. And the man you did choose to marry, knowing what he was like from the beginning.

I wonder if this is about two people who both love each other and are great people, but who have allowed a dynamic between them to flourish which is WAY out of whack in the balance between action and passivity on both sides.

And the more passive he is, the more over-developed your organising and control muscles become…and the more you take charge, the more passive he becomes. Charging rhino and prickly hedgehog both intensifying each other’s unhelpful tendencies to control and withdraw. You need an off-ramp for both of you from this cycle and it’s good that you’re engaging with counselling.

The Surrendered Wife is a terrible title (complete with twee cover art) for a book I found really helpful, and that I would suggest was written for folk who ‘know how they like things’.
The author speaks into situations just like yours, OP. The people who speak derisively about it are (generally) those who haven’t read it. And I am a strident feminist. Raaaahhh.
Give it a go, maybe? Wishing you all the best 💐

www.worldofbooks.com/en-gb/products/surrendered-wife-book-laura-doyle-9781416511649

If you want things done your way, do them yourself
If you want someone else to make decisions and organise things, you have to go along with what they’ve organised.
You can’t have it both ways. You can’t say “I want you to organise a night b out” to someone and then criticise them for the night out they’ve organised. That’s not fair.

So what are you working on OP? It sounds very much like this poor man is passive because he can't do anything right and he just nods and smiles and slumps along...

I don’t actually, I don’t want to be in control, I’ve been put in this role but not by choice over year and years of having to step in.

Id swop lives with DH in a heartbeat having my trips booked, my life planned, my meals planned, must be bliss.

it’s why I’m asking for opinions so I can get myself to a more “normal” level and understand how and what letting go looks like.

Why does he need to be babied? Wasn’t the task to arrange something not to repeat something?

As an analogy - I do 90% of the cooking at home. On the 10% of the time someone else does, I find myself thinking that this is not what I would have chosen for dinner.

So I’ve decided I’m fine with not sharing the cooking 50/50, as it means I get to eat what I’d like.

Also, you can be ‘laid back’ and do nice things for your partner, reciprocate and so on. Being passive, lazy, indifferent, not seeing friends etc, isn’t ‘laid back’.

Nothing is less likely to make a person take the lead than having the real leader in the situation instruct them to do so, while having their own idea about what that should look like.
If you want your husband to genuinely take the lead rather than going through the motions, you need to step back and accept what his decisions look like. Be that the same expensive resturant as always or a KFC in the park.
Alternatively accept that you have clear ideas about what you want to do, so its best that you continue to lead in these things and he does what you decide.

Well of course you think this because as this thread has demonstrated you are only able to see situations from your own perspective

Your DH and his friends would have a different narrative. You might not accept their narrative as it will focus on your part in the breakdown of the marriage but it will nonetheless be as true as your own is

Of course you can …if he’d organised zip lining or wrestling…that would just be ok? He has just repeated OPs effort and organised nothing new or thoughtful

Then why are you saying how wrong and terrible it is when he’s made a choice, because it’s not the choice you want on this precise occasion ?

Poor man tried and you want knock him down. So ungrateful and no wonder he never offers as seems no matter what he suggest you'll moan about it..

I think she means 'alluding'.

So, this bloke is being told to be more decisive and to take the lead. And he gives that a shot. And the OP says, "No. That's not the lead I wanted you to take."

He could be forgiven for saying, "And there's the problem..."

Nope ..that enables weaponised incompetence..it’s not hard to ask what someone would like to eat or KNOW what they like if you are in a relationship …it’s basic

It’s madness that these ‘men’ need marriage counselling to make them act like a functioning adult.

OP I would find this frustrating however I’d never date let alone marry a man like this to begin with. You talk about him being passive however I would argue that you have also acted passive, as you’ve have enabled this man for years with resentment, and married him for who he was at that time. You made your own bed. I imagine he’s wondering what you’re now complaining about.

If useless men like this were cast aside in the dating world for other responsible eligible men, they’d probably take a long hard look in the mirror and there’d be less of them wandering aimlessly around the planet waiting for a woman to come along to mother them.

@OrdinaryGirl thanks for that, it’s exactly what we are dealing with, a parent child dynamic that I’ve been trying to hand back this responsibility for years but he won’t take it, I’m exhausted and totally burnt out from being in this role and had to read lots and understand this pattern, I’m hoping that the work we are doing helps.

OP, you could equally well be coming on here saying “DH was told to take initiative on a booking so he’s booked a new Persian restaurant, I don’t like that kind of food much, why didn’t he book Sergio’s, we go all the time so he knows I like it?”

But that isn’t true. You aren’t happy with his decision.

So you want him to know what you want without you telling him - even when it’s something that’s different from what you’ve done several times yourself in that situation in the past.

It really seems like you want to trip him up. If it were a man doing that women on here would be calling that coercive control..