Shall I just go to the restaurant my DH booked or say something?

[reversegear]

For context we are in marriage counseling mostly for him being passive and leaving me to carry the load and me being the leader and stepping in, plus lots of other issues, but the lady said he needed to stop asking me what I want and be more decisive, she was also eluding to saying “I’ve looked at these three places, which would you prefer” she’s meaning real deep effort and thought.

Anyhow we have the meeting on Thursday and on Friday he’s like right we are out on Saturday night. Ok great that’s a start but when I said am I allowed to ask where, he gave me the name of the place we always go to and have been say 6-7 times, it’s lovely expensive restaurant but it’s the very easy simple go-to option and there isn’t much on the menu I fancy as they change it.

I feel really deflated, and a bit angry that’s he’s kind of just gone for something quick and easy, he’s not even sat down and looked at a new place.

i know this is part of the process, but everything in me wants to say something, and look at alternatives or just say don’t bother.

Or do you think I have to carry this and go along and the focus ny feeling with the marriage counselor?

For context he’s never booked anything.

I work with a couple of women like this. Constantly complaining that they have to do everything, but when their OHs do or try anything it’s always wrong or not good enough. Yawn.

This is exactly what the counselling is for. Start off by saying exactly what you say here, let him say how he feels about it and go from there.

This isn't about the where, it's the lack of effort & thought when the DH knows it's really important. Lack of being valued, etc.

Talk to him about his thought process here. The reasons behind the choice.

My DH doesn't organise anything. It gets more so as you get older, so if you are already checked out, it's probably time to leave.

I accept that could equally be going through my head!, but I’d feel like at least he tried a bit more and try the new place.

If you go regularly but they have changed the menu to one with stuff you don’t like then I don’t see the harm with looking at the menu and saying it’s such a shame they don’t appear to have anything you like now? Assuming there aren’t a few options you actually would be fine with?

Go this time, enjoy yourselves and praise him because he took the lead, say you would like him to do it again and choose a new place, somewhere neither of you have been. Be gracious and encouraging rather than negative.

in 27 years with my ex I don’t think he ever chose a restaurant, he certainly never rang up as he hated even calling a takeaway (I covered for him our entire relationship and even after we broke up, dd called me to ask if I’d call the takeaway, it didn’t do online, because neither she nor her dad liked calling up! I said no). My now dh will book things though he’s one for checking with me first, I might suggest later in the year he books a night away and doesn’t tell me where)

I feel there are many posters in her that have the narrative “poor DH” crazy controlling OP, and that’s absolutely fine, and what I asked for by wanting opinions.

I haven’t said a word to him about his choice about the restaurant etc, I was just mulling it over in my head and wanted to get views on the way I’m thinking.

I think I can see why he doesn't make decisions. I think wherever he booked you would have been negative.
If you feel done with the relationship then that's obviously your choice but why drag it out with marriage counselling? Especially as when he takes on board what's been said you're still not happy. Would it not just be better to be honest with him and say it's not working and split up?

You sound totally materialistic.

Why? That’s quite random.

But it's not bliss is it?

You've had one meal planned so far and it's wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. You've been there before. It's minimal effort. The service was bad. The menu has changed and you don't fancy anything on there.

Turns out having someone plan meals for you isn't bliss at all! You end up somewhere you don't want to be eating food you don't like.

Perhaps better to be the one in control?

Nope. We share other tasks but I enjoy cooking and I like choosing what’s for dinner. If someone else cooks, they choose what to cook. It would be really odd to dictate to them what to do.

If he'd booked a new restaurant to both of you, I suspect you'd be saying, he should have booked one that you'd been before! He doesn't book things, plan anything because no matter what he does/says, it's not right. He probably believes if he lets you organise everything, then you can't moan at him for getting it wrong!

When he's now booked a restaurant, that he knows you like, you're moaning because it's not what you want!!! He's never ever going to win, up against constant negativity/criticism. I'm surprised he has any self-esteem left to be honest.

If you don't want to be in the relationship, then end it. Going through the counselling motions is pointless unless you actually want to save your marriage. You're picking holes, because you don't want to save the marriage.

Do you love him?

Hi op maybe you can remind him just say are you sure about going there again last time was awful if he says it’s fine then only you can decide if you want to waste good money on something that is not worth it to you.

Honestly I would consider exactly which bit of the burned out you’s responsibilities will actually help you be less burnt out in this partnership.

Why try to get him to take initiative with the nice/treat things if you are going to be disappointed? Part of the going out could be to choose something together and look forward to it. Maybe you just want him to be interested?

Could it be he needs to learn to take initiative with the grunt work instead perhaps to make your joint life better? I’m reading between the lines so may be wrong. Does he manage any whole task responsibilities eg dirty cloths from floors through to clean ironed and back in wardrobes including making sure there is always the right washing powder and a clean functional washing machine? Or all fridge management meal
planning and cooking? Or god forbid all garden and
house and car maintenance insurance and mot. A whole responsibility would be one where you do not need to know anything about it because you know he has it covered eg how much washing powder there is left or when the mot is due for example.

Honestly I commend you both for getting help with this and staying open to life being a continuous process of improvement, fairytales are really just for romance films in which no one ever takes out the bins or cleans a loo. Hopefully you will get to a better place.

@Sassylovesbooksi get what you are saying 100% but I’m not moaning at him, I’m moaning on here to get views like yours to put me in check. I don’t moan or nah to him as he never does anything for me to moan about.

I really get it OP, there’s part of you that would like him to be excited about a night out with you, thinking of something fun, not just the lowest common denominator of what might be acceptable.

I married a man who was super dynamic, but I should have looked at his parents’ dynamic more closely. He comes from a culture where the men go out to work, hand the cash over to her indoors and go ‘she has everything just how she likes it, what more could she want?’

Except that I also work, we (meaning me) renovated a big old house which is of course an ongoing nightmare. We moved back to my old town which means the schools, the doctor, the dentist, the summer camps, the house insurance, the upkeep, the cars ownership, insurance, servicing and MOT are all my responsibility as I ‘know where everything is’. Parents day, gcse choices, clothes shopping, house decor (see renovation) meal planning, grocery shopping, cooking, haircuts, sports club and activity sign up (one child high performing in a few sports, meaning trying to find fun arts/crafts/social activities for the younger one so they don’t become neglected trailing sibling of the older one). Volunteering at the school, volunteering at the sport, on the PTA, working 4.5 days a week at my own professional job. DH works away in the week, is perfectly able to organise a meal and a glass of wine with his mates one or two nights a week, but makes zero, and I mean zero plans for the weekend, just lands home . A lot of socialising here is driven by couples but organised by the male half - despite being invited into numerous groups over the years that would give us an easy social life, he doesnt make an effort or maintain them, so if I don’t organise/plan/cater stuff then we would sit in every weekend. Which he wouldn’t mind as he’s been out during the week. But I am really sociable and so I feel really isolated and alone.

Me too. I much prefer my own cooking. There are many advantages to being in charge. OP needs to consider how she benefits from making all the choices as well than noting that DH is leaving it to her.

In this moment of our marriage no not really. Like a friend or someone I care deeply about yes.

No wonder he never books anything, when he does it is wrong as it’s not what you would have done. You either want the control and need to accept you do it or you relax and go with the flow more, you can’t have it both ways

Going against the grain here but I can understand why OP is drained.
She sounds like she would have been delighted with a new restaurant even if they got there and it was awful.
This man must know something about the typeof food his wife would like. You don’t have to even go out to research eg Google, social
media. The fact that he’s actually booked the other one and think he’s done a brilliant job is grim.
OP here has become like his mother.
Being honest, most couples are finished by the time they get to therapy. This man clearly doesn’t want to change he’s quite happy coasting along.

@Newforspring I can’t totally relate, and hopefully this thread helps you as well, there was a poster that put a book on here that I’m going to read as well. I feel forced intro his role I have an I’m trying to navigate my way out!

but clearly need to check myself when I try and jump in and change things.

I really get where you’re coming from. It’s like progress but not exactly how you’d prefer he was. However, I would take the win that he’s booked somewhere and is clearly trying to take on the advice from the counselling and clearly does want things to change for the better. I’m sure he didn’t want to give you three options because then in his mind, that’s you having to make the choice again. I would take this as a win and then at the next counselling you can mention you appreciated it but would also like it if he thought outside the box next time. I think that’s reasonable.

@ThisJadeBear to be fair the exactly how I feel, a new location would be nice as well, we live close to so so many options.

But I’m going to go and enjoy this evening and say nothing, and reflect on what comes next, maybe he will gain confidence if this is well received. Who knows.