Do you recognise this life?

[devilwearsprimarnidoesshe]

I’m tired. So tired. Almost 44. Co-parenting at best with my lovely DH, rather than any sort of relationship. We both talk about wanting it to be better, but it’s a low priority, always.

2 FT jobs, both in London x 2 or 3 per week. 90 min commute each way. Flexible timings but still both have clients so not always free choice.

2 kids in fee paying schools. One DC off to secondary, one mid prep. Both very sporty, one does gymnastics to a high-ish level (think 3 or 4 x 2 hr evening sessions) plus hockey and netball. The other is football/rugby/swim. This collectively takes up basically all evenings (we work or do our own sport (run) whilst they train).

Family help minimal - parents. There but quite scatty, and they’re getting older.

We live in a keeping up with the jones kind of a place, where I grew up. Life is just really fast.

We can’t give up prioritising the kids, but theres just no time. End up booking holidays late/not doing house jobs and everyone is bloody knackered.

Does anyone else genuinely live like this, or is it just us?

how do I do less without feeling like I’m failing? I’ve got into a habit of more is more, but I’m aware that’s not going all that well.

even just writing this makes me realise it’s a lot - but is it that unusual?

Is weekly boarding an option. Would they be able to do all their sports (at the level they need to) at school?

@devilwearsprimarnidoesshe yes lots of people live like this

But it clearly doesn't suit you

Firstly, you might have to tell the DC that they can't do so many activities

Or they have to get to them another way

No lift shares going on?

Some people really thrive on being busy all the time but others don't

You have to make a decision about how to handle it. I don't know about private school or if that makes things easier or harder

What's with the keeping up with the Joneses? Why is that time consuming? What are you doing?

To some extent, I think that is just life at this age, yeah but activities every night doesn't have to happen and actually, I'm surprised your DC want to do stuff every night

Sounds like my life pre-covid, except for the private school. It was a bit of a wake up call to go into lockdown and realise how much quality time I'd been missing with my family and how much we had drifted. I'm part time now and so much happier. Obviously money is needed for the basics but luxuries are no where near as important as family time and my DC having a relaxed and present mum.

I did not choose to do this myself, but if you are a very sporty family and sport is important to your dc, then I know two families who have moved their dc to weekly boarding schools from thirteen, for this precise reason; that both sets of parents work and all of the extra-currricular commitments became too much.

They found that although the kids didn’t come home until Saturday afternoon, when they were at home, and during the holidays, the time that they were together was totally reserved for family and leisure time. But it very much depends on the personality of your dc and whether they are mentally resilient enough to live away from you during the week, And of course you have to be able to afford it and you have to get to the point from now until when they are old enough.

If your dc are averagely talented at sport though and you don’t think it’s something that will be massively important in their life, although granted it’s not easy to always tell when they are very young, then why not limit them to one sport per term? Something has to give op!

aren the kids exhausted too? I had a childhood like that and was always exhausted and don’t really thank my parents for it now.

Stop keeping up with the Joneses, put the kids in state schools, and tell them they can only choose out of school activities they can get themselves to on foot or public transport.

Doesn’t sound the kind of life I would want. Too fast, too much. Not enough time to just be and breath. Could you and/or your DH go part time?

I know lots of families who are tired, struggle to stay top of everything etc however I don’t actually know anyone who does both parents FT, with long commutes & a ton of extracurriculars. That is a lot.

Cut down on the child activities, less is more sometimes.

I used to feel a bit like you. We didn’t have the long commute but we had long working hours and in the office 5 days a week.

The thing that changed it is once they went to independent secondary school, I said to them that all extra-curriculars are done in school only. So if they want to play hockey, netball, rugby, cricket etc then they had best make sure they get picked for the school teams. Likewise with drama, Lamda etc. It is done in school or not at all.

The school provides transport for all the fixtures during the week and the weekends so they just have to get themselves to school.

To my mind, that’s the benefit of independent schooling, you shouldn’t need to do anything on top. The school should have it all covered.

We moved out of London to avoid this. We now work in the South West and finding work has been a challenge but we both work part time, zero commute and there’s a lot of down time and time with the kids.

Sometimes we both crave the work pace and interesting careers we had in London. Grass is always greener but you can’t have it all I’m afraid.

Ah, yes, such a pity you can’t exploit young women like this anymore. If you want a nanny, pay for a nanny.

You are miserable and working all hours to afford a life you thought you wanted but it doesn’t sound that great. I would be looking to make a change - one or both of you - so that life actually feels enjoyable. Otherwise what’s the point?

Do i recognise it? No, we live at the other end of the financial spectrum.

But we only have one child (with additional needs) one of the big factors in that decision to just have one was resource - the time/energy/money we can provide.

We both work full time, solid jobs, not minimum wage but far from high earners. Child goes to our local school which is in a pretty deprived area, but the school is excellent all round, not just in terms of results.

We have opted for various activities - child does a couple of school clubs (and hour after school 2 days a week), scouts, a music lesson and a swimming lesson weekly, and cricket in the summer. That, in terms of his class mates (and in comparison to both of us when we were kids tbh) is incredibly privileged - we're talking about a school where they give out free bread/milk/cereal etc on a Friday afternoon to families who can't afford to feed their kids over the weekend.

We let standards slip at home. We'd rather spend the evening watching a film or playing board games, or having an evening at the beach than we would living in a pristine home.

For us its about striking the balance - it sounds like yours has maybe gone a little awry, but you need to ask yourselves why - is it because you're trying to keep up with the Jonses in a fee paying school? Have you just got swept along with things and need to start making decisions to cut back time wise? Three sports (football/rugby/swimming) is probably manageable at a primary school level when its maybe an hour a week, but that no doubt increases as they get older and I expect that's where you've found yourself stretched - it used to be manageable but now less so?

I

Recognise it well, albeit not London based commute (but length is the same).
Agree with PP that the great advantage of private school is all the clubs and sports, DC only has one hobby that isn’t based at school and it’s my hobby too so we spend time together doing that.
We’ve banned the word tired in our house too, we both got so sick of hearing ourselves say it and felt like it was making things worse! Planning to go 4 days once school fees are done, only 5-7 years to go!

We used to live like this - including the commutes which is rare for this area, there are not too many parents both commuting. Then last term my daughter had to have a major operation (fine now). We dropped everything except football for DS (as DD couldn't do anything anyway as she recovered). We spent so much time together. I realised I (& we all) really enjoyed just hanging out with just our family which we never usually had time for. I also realised (which I am not saying is true for you!) that we weren’t really teaching our kids values in the way I had imagined before becoming a parent, or how to make the best of a day doing chores, or even how to relax really! This term has been so much slower and more connected and I have loved it and the kids have been happier too. It’s hard not to compare with kids with sahms who of course have more energy for extra curriculars, but I tell myself it’s valuable for everyone to have working women role models too.
Do you have an opportunity to take a sabbatical at work, or do you have a quieter period at work over the summer where you could take statutory unpaid parental leave (if you could afford that) for a bit of a reset and a rethink? Its so hard to do that in the middle of things.

Absolutely no way could I live like that. All these activities just bring stress (to me)
I wouldn’t survive one week with a timetable like that. It sounds stressful and exhausting.

A few years ago I went on a really intense training course and had to drop everything to focus on it. Everyone survived.

They were only ever allowed one activity each anyway, and that’s it. They gave them up in their teens anyway as did most of their friends so I’m glad I didn’t run myself into the ground.

You are heading for burnout by the sounds of it. Good luck making the changes x

We live like that, minus private school. It's relentless and we don't like it.

Do you know what an au pair is @Pollyanna87? Presumably not I was one and we had 3. They were treated as members of the family had the opportunity to learn a foreign language and make amazing friends.

I was so pleased when the kids left home. At 18. As planned. First time in 20 years when I could put myself first. And I do religiously now. Number 4 is last year of school but fully independent. Will move out in September.
What’s for supper. Don’t know.
And I push firmly back on anyone making anything my job.
4 very independent kids. From the moment they could do form filling they did. And I signed. Push as much back onto everyone as possible to prepare for independence. They all look at their mates who can’t do anything for themselves and pity them.
As a family we were really conscious of not starting any sports that would destroy family life like fucking football. Fortunately DS had 2 left feet until he was 15.
The girls had horses which I knew we’d have forever and now sit in the field as expensive ornaments. So I definitely didn’t get it all right. But no more dogs ever. As few ties as possible. Including endless crap.

I think lots of people do live like this, us included but with shift work thrown into the mix. It’s busy and expensive but they’re teens now, a few more short years and you will have more time and money to yourselves than you will know what to do with and will have given your dc the best possible start. Scale a few things back or book a day per week off for the next couple to rest if things are getting on top of you too much.

I was an au pair myself in the 1980s, when I was 18, in Paris and it was fantastic. I learnt French, I made friends from loads of different countries (lots of international au pairs doing drop offs at the kids schools) and ran around Paris having an absolute ball. I got paid peanuts, but I had a roof over my head, free meals and an educational, fun year off before university.

I recognise this, though less of a commute and our children are slightly older. Permanently exhausted and feel like e constantly talk about changing things but never do!

Yes I do recognise this. My DD is younger and we are just expecting our second. We also have less money as private school would be an incredible stretch which we just are not considering.

However my DH and I have decided that it is better for our family to get off the treadmill. I am dropping hours (I hated my job anyway and he is better paid) so that i can get more of the house / life admin done in the week and we can have weekends as proper family fun. We are also planning some date nights at home and nice things individually.

It sounds relentless. I was busy as a child - high level hobby that eventually turned into a professional career so dozens of hours a week of training, plus travel to events and competitions - but it was never like this. Admittedly, my mum worked part time and sacrificed a lot for us to have some balance, but as a family we had one weekend day a week that was sacred and nobody was allowed to schedule anything on it (with the exception of a handful of weeks a year).

We would spend the evening prior cooking and doing a quick clean, then our free weekend day was unplanned, minus church in the morning. The rest of the day was for chilling, seeing friends, napping, going out for a walk, maybe some church clubs (we got dropped off, parents could actually talk to each other for an hour or two), then maybe some shopping in the evening and a movie with popcorn.

I‘m sure many families in our community would’ve seen us as lame, we definitely didn’t “keep up with the Joneses”, but every week there was a day of respite and to breathe. It’s an approach I am keen to copy for my own family because I truly believe kids, and adults, need a day off every week when they can just be. Families need to reconnect regularly especially in this crazy driven world where everybody is go go go all the time.

Take a day a week and be super strict with it. Watch as your family slowly starts to breathe more comfortably.