Do you recognise this life?

[devilwearsprimarnidoesshe]

I’m tired. So tired. Almost 44. Co-parenting at best with my lovely DH, rather than any sort of relationship. We both talk about wanting it to be better, but it’s a low priority, always.

2 FT jobs, both in London x 2 or 3 per week. 90 min commute each way. Flexible timings but still both have clients so not always free choice.

2 kids in fee paying schools. One DC off to secondary, one mid prep. Both very sporty, one does gymnastics to a high-ish level (think 3 or 4 x 2 hr evening sessions) plus hockey and netball. The other is football/rugby/swim. This collectively takes up basically all evenings (we work or do our own sport (run) whilst they train).

Family help minimal - parents. There but quite scatty, and they’re getting older.

We live in a keeping up with the jones kind of a place, where I grew up. Life is just really fast.

We can’t give up prioritising the kids, but theres just no time. End up booking holidays late/not doing house jobs and everyone is bloody knackered.

Does anyone else genuinely live like this, or is it just us?

how do I do less without feeling like I’m failing? I’ve got into a habit of more is more, but I’m aware that’s not going all that well.

even just writing this makes me realise it’s a lot - but is it that unusual?

Love this.
spot on.

We don't live in london, but i grew up there and studied there.
This is going to sound smug, and I REALLY don't want it to, but OP, get off this treadmill.
Children don't need this level of activity...sitting on the bottom stair and wailing "Im bored ", is okay!

Mine went to the village school, then went on to the local comp. One read Chinese at Cambridge; one did Physics/masters at Bristol; one read English at Brighton and is now a teacher.

I do remember, though, the relentlessness of it, so really sympathise ( 8.30, all three in their various swimming lessons on Saturdays...horrible, horrible!)

Is the lifestyle you're describing, one that you REALLY want...? What's this " Keeping up with the Jones's"?
We did over 20 houseswaps for holidays...( and had some double swaps and AMAZINGLY touching experiences). Not expensive, in fact, free.

I think you've got to be really honest with yourselves. A step back, a breath, OP.

I do wish you all the best because it sounds so unsustainable and your relationship with both your partner and your children sounds like it's under threat. X

I recognise it. Not in London but similar lifestyle. It is hard, I just think it’s not going to be like this forever and I a few years it will be calmer. I did have a health issue last year reflective of stress and have tried to calm some things down however I think work was the biggest contributory factor to that.

As my GP said to me: “If you don’t make time for your health, you’ll have to make time for your illness.”

I was there a few years ago. Almost identical lifestyle. Both in big jobs and run ragged.

The biggest thing that will affect your lives is changing the kids activities. I say this with a significant amount of hindsight, but my children were both in a top super selective independent where all of the kids were doing masses of activities (some school related and some not). There was massive pressure for everyone to do the same.

Out of DC1's year group of circa 150 kids, just two are now pursuing sport and being paid for it. One is playing rugby at a high level and one is playing football at a fairly good level.

From DC2's year group, one was being hailed as an Olympic prospect in his niche sport but a year at Uni might have knocked him off course a bit.

The child everyone thought would grow up to be a top footballer does no sport whatsoever - even recreationally. The child who was skating six days a week (parents literally getting up at 4am to make this happen) is no longer skating.

The chances of your children being paid for their favourite sport are incredibly slim - might happen though. The chances of your children being paid for all three of their sports is zero.

Your children need to pick their favourite and do that only. An easy one to drop is swimming. They can swim so no need to keep up swimming club now. One then sticks with gymnastics (although likelihood is this will stop at about age 15 so might be better to pump for netball which is more sociable and more likely to be continued for fun at uni and into adulthood) and the other does Rugby or football. That's it. Ideally you steer them in the direction of one of the sports they do on the same night so that you have more evenings in the week when you are all together as a family.

Your children are not going to look back and wish they had done more training. You are likely to look back and wish you had spent more time just being together. You also need to avoid burnout.

Trust me, they leave to go to university and your life changes dramatically and you will give anything to just have that time back. Don't let kids activities rule your life and impact your marriage.

Also, the very best thing you can do for your children is to nurture the relationship with their other parent. That’s more beneficial than all the clubs, sport and private education money can buy.

Agree with this...can you substitute a few activities for a plan where you teach your DC to provide a meal a week?
I did this, they ( admittedly were teens). They took turns to plan a weekly family meal. They had to plan it to the point where I shopped for the ingredients; they researched the recipe, cooked and served it. Once a week.
It taught them planning, developed creativity, taught them cooking and had the appreciation of the whole family, plus, skills for life. There are other options than just external activities.

Sorry but I have little sympathy for anyone who thinks keeping up with the Jones is worth burning yourselves out for. These are problems of your own making.

When do you eat dinner? How do you have the time to cook and eat healthy etc? My life was a lot like yours. Got fat, as was just eating crap all the time and snacking. No time to even fart to be honest. Grim. We had to make some serious changes. All three children do one activity now. One child gave up entirely (their choice). I also had a career change.

Life is still busy, but I do recognise your life and I’m very glad it is no longer my life.

Ho many evenings a week do you get to sit down and have dinner together. How many weekend afternoons do you have time to go out for a leisurely walk followed by a cafe or other slow pace activities?

Our life is busy but I also prioritise down time and family time where we can all just hang out and chat.

I wouldn't have my children in so many activities as then we would miss out on family time.

Lots of children don’t do enough exercise and sport but you can also over do sport. Two would be enough for your children. Our DS did one sport which was one training night and then all day Saturday was in season taking him to matches. That was enough.

Au pairs were not exploited 😂.

Mine had to look after the children after school from 4-7 Monday to Friday.

In exchange for that they got £150pw, their own floor in a central London house, all their food, a phone, and a London travel card.

They spent their weekends partying and shopping and generally having a ball!

Those who ended up in horrible families moved on pretty quickly as there was such a demand for them.

this is us so placemarking to come back to this.

Our lives were like this (apart from private school), but it doesn’t last forever. As older teens they can now transport themselves, and we are getting our time back. I don’t regret the choices we made.

Too many out of school activities. Too much being spent on schooling. If your dc went to state school you could potentially work locally for less money and have a lot more quality family time.

What is the actual point of all the sport? Is it because your children love it so much and can’t imagine life without it? Is it that they are hoping to become professionals? Is it just being seen to be as busy as the other children? Unless they have no other interests, or are pursuing a professional career, it seems a terrible waste of their childhood. Your family life will be over before you know it and yet you’ve barely spent any time together.

There is considerable pleasure to be had from living in a "keeping up with the Joneses" area and not keeping up with the Joneses. It's not mandatory.

Maybe your kids could come out of private school? Then perhaps one of you, or both, could scale down your working hours? I think your main problem is paying school fees which dictates your work. Something to think about?

I think the kids clubs are just too much, also when is the children’s down time. I think it’s important kids are shown that it is ok not to have a full schedule sometimes having a day free just to potter, with no set plan. It’s vital that they learn the skill of relaxing, otherwise in 20 years time they will be writing the exact same post as you. The cycle continues and no one is being taught that actually self care and time to just stop is just as important. If it is easier think of it as teaching the kids a life skill, do you want them to feel the same as you do now in 20 years?

Obviously money is needed for the basics but luxuries are no where near as important as family time

This.

Cut back on the luxuries - be that private school, too many clubs, more than one car, fancy holidays, or whatever else “keeping up with the Jones” means.

Then change jobs, or reduce your days/hours. Find something that doesn’t have such a crazy commute, or do it less often.

You are only on this treadmill because you’ve chosen to be. It’s time to slow it down, or get off altogether. I’m not saying that’s easy, but it can be done if you put your mind to it.

My DH changed his job to one that paid half the amount after the birth of our third child. It wasn’t easy, but yiu quickly learn what you do, or don’t, need, and we managed just fine. But it meant we spent so much more time as a family. We spent time together at weekends - even if that meant all going together to watch the kids play football or cricket. We went on lots of camping trips together, and some holidays abroad, which have made some fantastic memories. DH became the kids football coach. Life became simpler and so much more pleasurable once we jumped off the treadmill.

@devilwearsprimarnidoesshe you sound really dedicated in all directions ❤️
I don't have a life that is as busy as yours but between dashing for work and nursery and trying to renovate our old 1930s house etc. I often feel like the weeks are blurring and I am not moving forward.
What I'm doing this year is booking a few days AL throughout the year, just me or just me and DP while little one is at nursery for the day.
Time for the jobs that just never get done, time for each other, time to just sit still for a while.
I'm also making a conscious effort to remind myself that not everything is as important as it can initially feel to try to balance things a little.
Right now I'm typing this in a coffee shop because I had a difficult weekend/Monday with my very sassy three year old and actually today, taking a bit of time for me was able to be a priority. I can't stop my mind racing very well so Mumsnet is an easy distraction for a few minutes! 🙂
Good luck OP!!

Please consider how much of this matters in 20 years?
Life is short, prioritise time together and living in the moment. Unless your kids are going to become professional athletes, they don’t need to do this much sport! That’s the first thing to cut back…

DROP. THE. ROPE.

I'm serious. You're in more control than you think, you just can't see it because the hole you've dug is too big.

Stop doing so many activities with the kids. Tell them they have to choose one only.

Look to see what jobs you could get closer to home, or look for ones which allow more remote working.

Stop keeping up with the Joneses. It doesn't fucking matter, I promise you.

Other, larger scale things to consider are a) moving to a cheaper area and b) taking the children out of the fee paying schools.

You have made life difficult for yourselves by choosing the costly life over the satisfying one. You don’t need to live in an expensive area, your children don’t need to be at private schools. If you moved somewhere cheaper and sent them to state schools your family quality of life and relationships would improve hugely. This will matter more in the long term than an expensive education where mum/dad were frazzled and hardly ever there. There is time to change but you won’t, because you moan but really cannot imagine and don’t want a nicer life.

I dont believe its possible to have two parents in full time jobs, and also keep a home/keep everything ticking over.

Is there any scope financially for you to scale back to 4 days? With training fees etc would it be financially viable to have a more local role for a few years whilst the kids are at home?

No wonder you are tired OP, this set up sounds absolutely exhausting 😘