Do you recognise this life?

[devilwearsprimarnidoesshe]

I’m tired. So tired. Almost 44. Co-parenting at best with my lovely DH, rather than any sort of relationship. We both talk about wanting it to be better, but it’s a low priority, always.

2 FT jobs, both in London x 2 or 3 per week. 90 min commute each way. Flexible timings but still both have clients so not always free choice.

2 kids in fee paying schools. One DC off to secondary, one mid prep. Both very sporty, one does gymnastics to a high-ish level (think 3 or 4 x 2 hr evening sessions) plus hockey and netball. The other is football/rugby/swim. This collectively takes up basically all evenings (we work or do our own sport (run) whilst they train).

Family help minimal - parents. There but quite scatty, and they’re getting older.

We live in a keeping up with the jones kind of a place, where I grew up. Life is just really fast.

We can’t give up prioritising the kids, but theres just no time. End up booking holidays late/not doing house jobs and everyone is bloody knackered.

Does anyone else genuinely live like this, or is it just us?

how do I do less without feeling like I’m failing? I’ve got into a habit of more is more, but I’m aware that’s not going all that well.

even just writing this makes me realise it’s a lot - but is it that unusual?

Stop the private school and go down to 4 days each.

I live in a village of educated wives who are at home. My daughter does dance and has done music lessons with national level performer mums and I agree with you @minipie on that
I also agree with the pick one sport that you enjoy together plus the essentials like swimming. I don't agree with the posters who say that life sounds totally terrible and question why it makes them feel better to say that. The poster who asked when the kids see their friends does not understand the bond those kids are likely to have with kids in their sport and all the opportunities, meeting new people and general confidence, fitness and maturity that comes with that life.

If I worked we could absolutely send DD to private school, but would be so stressed trying to cover childcare - our DS (through no fault of his own) is very hard work and no local childminders would take him. He would need a nanny with extensive experience of his condition and lots of training and my wages would all go on the school fees and childcare. The turnaround would be high too, I’d forever be recruiting.

If my son weren’t born disabled I can see how we could possibly be in a very similar situation to the OP’s family. I might have been swept into the middle class parenting gravy train.

My job would’ve been pretty much impossible to keep since having disabled DC (very high stress, physical, demanding) so it was a no brainer that I would stay at home and DH would continue in his more lucrative career. My DS has disability benefits, we have a motability car and I have Carers Allowance, which keeps my NI stamps up. I do the food shopping, prepping and cooking and DH does the dishes and laundry.

I’m quietly grateful for the clarity and perspective that having a disabled child has given me. We keep things simple, and simple can be beautiful.

I would love to have your life

More activities doesn’t necessarily equal more happiness/future success. DH and I are Oxbridge/post grad level educated - he was pushed, I wasn’t. We both see the necessity of balance in life

This is very true. I think some parents put themselves through hell thinking the county hockey certificate will actually matter at some point. Truth is most uni interviewers and employers show polite interest, but if you are not applying to read hockey/ for a hockey coaching role, it is neither here nor there.

I don’t relate to the stress, but I do have an 8-year-old at private school who does lots of sports and extracurricular activities so I understand the demands of that lifestyle. It’s manageable for my DH and I because we have very flexible jobs. You are definitely doing too much - you can’t do it all, and it sounds exhausting. I also can’t stand the clichés that it will ‘get easier’ or the kids ‘will soon be independent.’ As a medical professional, yes, that will happen eventually, but the future is unpredictable. Right now, what matters is spending quality time together, it’s so important. Are you working so much for the money? Could you drop a day or scale back some activities? At 11 and 8, they really don’t need to be doing so much.

I could have written your post, OP but with a few differences- have three children, live very rurally, state school. All three are very busy individually with things they want to do (sports/music/tuition/socialising) and that adds up to a lot. I can be in the car taxiing about for hours all week. Have a high pressure job and also feel like a husk.

My children are older and I still don’t have the answers, although when they can be alone at home, get their own transport to school, organise some things themselves and lift share things ease.

Theres a lot of good advice and inspiration on this thread and I feel a little life audit coming on to see where I can trim some stuff.

What a lot of posters ignore is that if your kids are at home they gravitate towards screens and a sedentary lifestyle and scheduled activities do bring lots of benefits- kids are fit, healthy, make friends, confident and sleep well as a result. I have three very happy, healthy children and have faced criticism that they are over scheduled but they’re asking to do it and I facilitate. Would I be any less tired if I was trying to entertain them at home instead? I don’t know.

Why can’t kids entertain themselves? Screens don’t have to be the answer. When I was a child my parents never played with me and I didn’t have loads of activities. I spent lot of time alone. Reading, cycling, meeting friends outside or playing in the garden.

90 mins EACH way?! That's ludicrous

Yes. I went to Oxford from an ordinary comp, and a poor family, with parents who’d left school at 13 - and had literally never done a single extracurricular activity or hobby in my life. It was of no interest to anyone. They wanted clever people who excelled at the subject and were going to suit the teaching style.

That children gravitate towards screens is true only if you don't have any limit on screen time whatsoever. As I said, my DC who don't do any extracurriculars play football, go to the playground, invite friends over with whom they will do stuff like play board games or basketball, and they are both obsessed with Lego. I am very strict with screen time though, they know it's pointless to ask for screens of any kind on school days for example.
It's sad that some children only get exercise and interact with peers when they are in a regulated, adult-controlled, paid setting. What's wrong with taking them to the playground or inviting friends over?

Totally normal for working in London. 90 minutes door to door could only be 40 odd miles away so that's so many commuter towns, most people on my road commute to London.

May be seen as normal by some, but as a working mum, for 3 hours of my day to be lost on commute.. I'd be changing something there.

You've got kids and want balance? 3 hours of travel a day is what's killing you

OP and her husband are only commuting 2-3 days a week - I think that's OK, compared to some who have to do it every day!

Can you organise car shares to the DCs’ activities?

I think, though, the reason they gravitate to screens these days is because they are so used to being scheduled they actually don't learn the skills of HOW to amuse or think for themselves, so the screen becomes a stand-in sports coach, Scouts leader etc.

I learned as I went along, and our youngest has been allowed very little screen time. They know it is something we give them every so often, not something they can help themself to. We also didn't do as much of the super-parent swimming lessons to football to monkey music to programming courses etc. Consequently, they are our most creative, most self-sufficient, most imaginative child. So many more scrapbooks of creative drawings, things they have made themself quietly out of bits and bobs, so many stories written etc. And such a huge pile of read books beside their bed! Old-fashioned activities are still available, you just have to steer them firmly towards it. After the first few years, children shouldn't actually require input to take themself off and play constructively with a train set or doll house etc. No, you can't put it on their CV, but it is doing wonders for all sorts of developmental milestones that are not measured with certificates of achievement, not to mention their MH. Childhood should be, up to a point, an oasis of self-discovery while discovering the world around them.

I genuinely believe we are robbing children of this these days with a life that vacillates between full-on directed activities and zoning out in front of a screen.

And the education system tends to push the lack of a proper, healthy childhood.

I went part time to facilitate my DC doing all the activities that many PPs are so scathing about. Yes, they will not do these sports as a career but that is not a reason to stop doing them!

My DC adore their sports and miss them in the school holidays.

I'm now FT again but WFH and can decide my own hours, which I work around the DC and their sports.

But no one is making the OP send her children to private schools and sign them up to unworkable numbers of sports and hobbies that require parental ferrying. DS goes to the geographically nearest state school, wherever we've lived, and our rule is that he can do anything hobby-related he likes, but he needs to be able to get himself to it. We've chosen to live close to a city centre with decent public transport within reach for this reason. It's a wealthy area, but we don't keep up with the Joneses. That kind of nonsense is a choice.

Your choice, and you clearly think it's a valid one, but to me that is completely daft. Sports are an add-on. A parent who lets their career take a back seat to facilitate a child's hobby has their priorities way out of whack.

Its not my life for sure
Local state school
Minimal extra clubs
Work part time

Lots of free time at weekends to do family stuff.

Live in a smallish house so can afford be part time, oh and no private school

Or day pupils at a local boarding school.

That's what we did. Massively relieved the pressure on us to run around for clubs evenings and weekends. But Saturday school did mean weekends were still restricted. They still did one external club each, but that was manageable.

OP I can empathise with what you describe but as many other posters have said you need to ditch the volume of clubs. One sport each is enough. My rule is also no clubs on Saturdays at all.

You have the power to take back control of your life and your time, I know it’s so hard when you have a full on demanding job with a commute but be ruthless. Also it sounds strange but plan fun for you like it’s a job. Find a good babysitter and schedule them in twice a month. Talk to OP about things you want to do this year, it could be a gig or a new experience and get booking.