Do you recognise this life?

[devilwearsprimarnidoesshe]

I’m tired. So tired. Almost 44. Co-parenting at best with my lovely DH, rather than any sort of relationship. We both talk about wanting it to be better, but it’s a low priority, always.

2 FT jobs, both in London x 2 or 3 per week. 90 min commute each way. Flexible timings but still both have clients so not always free choice.

2 kids in fee paying schools. One DC off to secondary, one mid prep. Both very sporty, one does gymnastics to a high-ish level (think 3 or 4 x 2 hr evening sessions) plus hockey and netball. The other is football/rugby/swim. This collectively takes up basically all evenings (we work or do our own sport (run) whilst they train).

Family help minimal - parents. There but quite scatty, and they’re getting older.

We live in a keeping up with the jones kind of a place, where I grew up. Life is just really fast.

We can’t give up prioritising the kids, but theres just no time. End up booking holidays late/not doing house jobs and everyone is bloody knackered.

Does anyone else genuinely live like this, or is it just us?

how do I do less without feeling like I’m failing? I’ve got into a habit of more is more, but I’m aware that’s not going all that well.

even just writing this makes me realise it’s a lot - but is it that unusual?

Agree with this. Id have a good hard think about what I'd want life to look like. Kids will get older, move out, and then that's it - time together as a 4 gone.

I don't live like this because I couldn't - I would have a breakdown. So props to you for being able to sustain it.

I do however believe that everyone in a family unit is equally entitled to a fulfilling life. If one person is unhappy, then the family is unhappy. I'd never have arrived where you are because frankly I'd be putting myself higher up the priority list and wouldn't do what you're doing in the name of prioritising my children. What you describe as "prioritising the kids" is too much of a sacrifice on the part of the adults in your home for me. Where's your happiness? It sounds miserable for you and your husband. What can change? Drop a hobby or two, carve out a date night a week, change schools? But I'd say it's your approach that needs to change more than anything - you and your husband matter as much as your kids do.

I don't recognise this life. I don't worry about keeping up with the Jones' though. I want to show my kids an example of a happy adulthood, so they can have one too one day. Prioritise your self a bit more, it will be good for you all ❤

Yes. I recognise it, all bar the "keeping up with the Jones". Kids all enjoy their extra activities and it gives them friendship groups outside of school and valuable life experience.

It won't last forever.

I saw my life going this way. Moved out of London to a market town, nice house mortgage free, 3 kids in good state schools, lots of activities walkable and we both only commute in to London once a week mostly. The fact I’m not paying a mortgage and school fees means I can plateau slightly at work, so whilst I am still busy I do a 9 day fortnight so I get a day off every 2 weeks, either to catch up on home stuff or do something nice.

It’s still busy but much more manageable. I do like living in the countryside too though!

That was our life 10 years ago. And at times we wondered whether there was enough love underpinning the marital relationship to sustain it. But we were both allied by the fact that we agreed our children needed to be prioritised as we had made that commitment in choosing to have them, but we did start taking time out for ourselves individually once they were secondary school age.

Thing is, the next few years will pass quickly. The kids will become more independent, even small pay-rises mean you can consider things like a cleaner, outsourcing the ironing, and someone to mow the lawn so that you free up couple time at the weekend. If you have friends (NCT? Or via school) locally you can do a ‘babysitting circle’ where everyone starts with 2 tokens and you exchange them for free babysitting so that everyone only gets as many free nights as they are willing to offer and you can go on a monthly date-night. Or even go out with friends when DH is away? Anything like this relieves some of the building pressure and helps recalibrate.

Our youngest is about to go to uni so in the last couple of years DH and I have been doing more together again - theatre, gigs, even the opera - and making time for each other. But it took a conscious decision to find some balance.

Nurturing your marriage and yourselves ultimately supports your children, so it’s an essential part of the equation.

This is precisely why we simplified things a few years ago. DH and I both went to 4 days a week (different days off) in order to be around more for the family and the children not constantly have to be in after school club or holiday clubs five days a week.

Our DDs are allowed to do two clubs each but no more and they have to fit in during the week, which does make our weeknights feel busy. But it means our weekends are sacred. There is very little housework to do as DH and I will have sorted it on our days off, all clubs have been done on weeknights so we can spend Saturday or Sunday as a family.

Yes, we have less money. But we are so much happier and less stressed and that's what is important. We could afford nicer things or fancier holidays if we both worked full time but at what cost? Our time together, in a strong marriage, with peace of mind is more important. Teaching our children that everyone needs downtime is important. Priotising our family and our peace over whatever the Joneses are doing is important.

It seems mad to say that I don't work on a Monday so that I can take DDs swimming after school, or DH doesn't work on a Friday so that he can clean the house and not have to do it at the weekend. But that is, in reality a huge part of it. Having some breathing space and time to just be and to enjoy spending time together.

Their childhoods go by so fast. I'd hope mine remember having dinner together as a family, or Saturday night film nights with popcorn, or the Sunday bike rides rather than how much money we spent on them.

During the Covid lockdowns did you feel a relief that you weren't constantly rushing from place to place? Or did you miss it all?

Take a breath and work out what's important to you.

Both your kids are doing way too much. It’s affecting your quality of life.

Keeping Up With The Joneses has always struck me as an odd way to live, tbh.

You need to maoe your life work for you. If it doesn't, then change it. Or some of it.

Doing stuff just so that you feel you can hold your own in conversations with the neighbours/other parents etc seems like a crazy way to live. Especially if you're not actually enjoying it!

This is our life too OP and it is exhausting. We both work FT, I have an hour commute, DH is being asked to go in to the office more often and WFH less. Kids at private school, both have 2 main sports and between them we have 7am clubs 3 days a week, after school clubs 3 days a week and sports all weekend. Housework, relentless laundry, cooking, shopping are constant. I drive home from work thinking about what I need to do when I get home and it usually takes hours. I literally walk through the door and start tidying and organising. Plus the kids are both becoming sulky teens which makes it all the less rewarding! I have had recent phases where I've felt on the brink of not coping.
What helps me is to remind myself its a moment in time for us, and in 6 years they could both have left home. We share all tasks and make plans as a couple to get everything done. We take it in turns to give lifts. We all sit down to dinner every night. We look forward to holidays and make the most of them. We are both agreed that we dont want the kids to miss out on sports or socialising (it was our choice to send them to private school so not their fault their friends live across the city or their sporting fixtures are an hour away). We try to take a week at a time and focus on the good moments - a sport win for one of the kids, a movie together as a family etc. It is hard but we cant really drop anything so we just need to get on with it. And I realise we are very lucky and the kids have a great lifestyle, which I'm happy we could provide.

One thing that has helped actually is that i'm much better at saying no to things I know i'm not going to want to do. Weekends used to be full of arrangements that I had agreed to weeks or months before and dreaded/didnt have the energy for. I force myself now to think am I actually going to want to do that when the time comes and if its a no I decline. Life is too short and busy for nights out you won't enjoy or hangovers that suck up a whole day.

I recognise part of your life. We are different as we are not near London and have professional but not particularly high-earning jobs. We do have flexibility and short commutes though. We live in an affluent area with excellent states schools so use those but that does mean having to do extracurriculars and and bit of tuition ourselves on some evenings and the weekend. If they are at independent school shouldn't most extracurricular be provided within the longer school day with transport?

This is legitimately inspiring

My life used to be like that. I ended up with ME/CFS due to to the stress of my life (stress also caused by domestic abuse and neurodivergence). I am now too ill to work or do anything much.

You don’t sound happy. Have a serious think about radical changes you can make. Could you work freelance? Farm out more household chores? Request to WFH? Send your children to state schools (thus freeing up cash for reduced working hours)?

I think this life is not uncommon. The thing that jumped out at me is that you live in. Sleeping up with the jones area….who cares what your area is like, that shouldn’t dictate how you live?! Love how YOU want to live.

if I was you I would throw any spare cash at outsourcing the mundane jobs like cleaning.

cut down the number of clubs you mr children do.

my children are much young but I already know that we won’t commit to clubs on the weekends. For us weekends with no plans are sacred. Seeing friends is every other weekend maximum because we’re as a family much better off and happier with lots of downtime .

work out what’s important to you as a family and prioritise that

You sound terribly anxious.

We chose an area outside London with excellent state school - so we didn't get caught up with private school fees trap and one of the benefits of me being a SAHM for an extended period of time meant that life did not feel like an endless list of tasks - we got to relax at the weekend - I went back to work when the kids were in sixth form.
I remember Steven Levitt from Freakonomics fame talking about how easily people fell into the high paid job lifestyle trap with high mortgage costs and high school fees, a lifestyle they hated but didn't feel they could escape it - that high paid job was supposed to bring your more choice and pleasure but instead you just ended up more miserable.
You have choices OP but you'll have to give something up.

Thanks for all these replies, some are making me really teary. Lots to think about. I know this is all of our own doing.

In relation to keeping up with the Jones, I don’t mean that we actively ‘do’, but that there are a lot of middle class families just like us, doing ‘lots’ - and so it normalises it in some way, and makes me feel less weird for trying to Jenga in an extra this or that. I’m not saying that’s right.

Our children are 11 and 8, so not wholly independent yet.

In relation to sport, they enjoy it, we both enjoy sport, and so do prioritise it as a family. I know no-one is off to the Olympics here, but the values that sport teach are (I think) important, and the more they do, the better they get, and so more opportunities open up for them (county stuff etc).

But that doesn’t change how bloody knackered we both are. Dropping the rope feels scary - I realise that sounds pretty pathetic as it’s my/our life. Right now, I feel very much like heading to burn out - and the thought of 9 weeks of summer holiday sounds utterly grim (with 2 FT jobs).

Really appreciate everyone’s perspective and to know (a) others choices/changes but also (b) it’s not just us that feel on a fast paced hamster wheel

If you let yourself dream, what would a good life be like? Not what others would admire - the biggest favour you can do yourself is to let go of that pressure.

What first step can you take to make your life more like your ideal nobody-is-watching life?

I can't imagine that my life, viewed from the outside, would inspire anyone with great envy. The delightful truth is that on the inside, it suits me very well, with a reasonably high percentage of time doing things I like.

I also agree that there's only a few years more while it will be like this. There's nothing wrong if you decided to stick it out till the dcs have aged out of this current phase.

You just have to spend more ££outsourcing for next few years housework cleaning driving holiday clubs or holiday nanny/manny plenty agencies will source for you

This. Absolutely this.
Pick what makes you and your family happy and drop the rest.

It could be us. But I cannot imagine living like this. It's not life.

1. Don't live in London. We chose a market town north of London with a good commute and a much slower lifestyle.
2. Find a hybrid role 2-3 times a week in an office.

I wouldn't put kids in a private primary, there are many good state schools if you look closer. I'd invest in tutoring for 11+ and put them both in a good grammar and chose private as a backup. I think your lifestyle is mostly by choice but I understand it's very difficult to get out of it.

My and my husband run our business. We work together yet we do not speak during the day really other than for work purposes!!

house is a tip: we are out 6 days a week at various sports/activities. My grandparents are still alive so as well as visiting grandparents we have great grandparents to visit: the secondary school my son wants to attend requires church attendance. We have always gone to mass but now it’s mandatory there isn’t even an option for a week of mass to just chill on the one day we don’t have a scheduled activity. My mum & dad still both work full time but help when they can, but actually both over state retirement so are more affluent than they were, no mortgage etc to pay anymore and pensions paying out as well as salaries, they like to spend there weekends going on city breaks etc. FIL has medically issues so MIL can’t really help either!

I fall asleep on the couch most nights by 10

The children are doing an excessive amount of sport, at the cost of you and your husband's wellbeing

Lots of couples have long commutes every day so I don't think that's the major problem

You're too young to be just letting your marriage slide into being co-parenting housemates by prioritising your children's activities!