Do you recognise this life?

[devilwearsprimarnidoesshe]

I’m tired. So tired. Almost 44. Co-parenting at best with my lovely DH, rather than any sort of relationship. We both talk about wanting it to be better, but it’s a low priority, always.

2 FT jobs, both in London x 2 or 3 per week. 90 min commute each way. Flexible timings but still both have clients so not always free choice.

2 kids in fee paying schools. One DC off to secondary, one mid prep. Both very sporty, one does gymnastics to a high-ish level (think 3 or 4 x 2 hr evening sessions) plus hockey and netball. The other is football/rugby/swim. This collectively takes up basically all evenings (we work or do our own sport (run) whilst they train).

Family help minimal - parents. There but quite scatty, and they’re getting older.

We live in a keeping up with the jones kind of a place, where I grew up. Life is just really fast.

We can’t give up prioritising the kids, but theres just no time. End up booking holidays late/not doing house jobs and everyone is bloody knackered.

Does anyone else genuinely live like this, or is it just us?

how do I do less without feeling like I’m failing? I’ve got into a habit of more is more, but I’m aware that’s not going all that well.

even just writing this makes me realise it’s a lot - but is it that unusual?

This is why I always try to dissuade friends with London-based jobs from moving outside of London “for the slower pace of life.” It never works out like that.

Can the kids get themselves to their own activities? At least sometimes? Can one or both of you go part time?

You are on a treadmill. Either keep peddling or something has to give. If you are really unhappy with the way things are have a good think about what major changes are possible. But once you've signed up for this heavily expensive lifestyle it's hard to get out of it.

This sounds utterly relentless.
Can the kids just choose one sport each?

You have to stop caring what the Joneses think. Your routines and commitments sound relentless. What do you enjoy doing for yourself and as a family?

Similar in that there just never seems to be time for everything and life is a big bag of lists and running for work (retail).

We have to prioritise relationship as we’ve had the talk and decided we can’t just be housemates that only speak in terms of organising childcare and lifts. I never used the word exhausted before the last few years and now I think it regularly. I work weekends so am up seven days a week.

A few weeks ago I had a Sunday off and played football with the kids and then watched cartoons and cried afterwards because it was the first time I spent such uninterrupted time with them in so long. I look at other people and think they can’t really be that happy or relaxed and can’t fathom that people can have chilled days or duvet days. Hugs op

I think you need to scale back on kids ' clubs and commitments.

Honestly for us it felt like this when the kids were teens.

it got easier in some ways when one could drive as the taxi service dropped off a bit but then we were into a levels and stopping over at girlfriends etc.

can they be more independent in the evenings? Not always possible - we lived in a village with no evening public transport at all.

There’s always another way. Different priorities and choices . Only you can make those changes.

Private school is your problem there.

I don’t recognise that at all. It sounds horrendous. I’d do one extra curricular club each for the DC. You need your own life, hobbies & fun. You don’t just exist to support your DC. You need to do stuff for yourself & your marriage.

God, that sounds awful. My kids didn't do anywhere near that number of activities so no, I don't recognise that life at all.

Get a local independent travel planner. Not Just Travel are good. They do everything, no fee and get commission from airlines and hotels. You just give budget and idea...its changed my holiday planning.

Similar here, OP. House always needing work but no time / energy; always feel on a treadmill. It’s not the private school or activities that are the problem - it’s the jobs. My job leaves me exhausted these days (and it didn’t in the past). Have you got any financial scope to cut down slightly, maybe to 3 or 4 days per week?

Do your DC really want to do all this sport? One each is plenty. Rugby, football and swimming seems like overkill, as swimming is usually early morning, rugby and footie all weekend with away matches and training on top.

There should be at least one day a week (Sunday?) when you are all completely unscheduled. DC do homework, chill, see friends. You have a lie in, brunch, read papers, do a bit of housework.

And one evening a week where the two of you go out together - just a film or gig or to have dinner with friends.

Absolutely stop keeping up with the Joneses. The stressed people I know definitely do and it is endless rounds of organised 'fun' which to me sounds like hell on earth. But it's worth having some sort of friendly carpool with a few other parents from school, so you each take it in turn to collect and drop off a couple of kids that live nearby.

Hire a driver to take them to exteacurricular.
Buy in more help for after school

We deliberately chose to live in a house below our means, limited the number of activities the DC did and had fixed evenings and weekend days when we had nothing planned.

The constant rushing around and exhaustion of other parents bemused me. Now they are adults our DC say they loved coming home from school with no pressure to do anything, loved family times such as board games, picnics in the garden or just chatting over a mug of cocoa.

Choose and plan to be less busy would be my advice. If having to keep up with the Joneses comes from school then move them to state. Mine got excellent exam results and are following successful careers, and went to a state comp within easy walking distance.

God, that’s so upsetting to read that you get so little time with them. I can sympathise as I had a retail job when mine were younger and it was shit having to work weekends, bank holidays, Mother’s Day etc when everyone else was with their family. Getting out of retail was the best thing ever.

My DC are slightly older than yours but other than that your life is exactly like mine almost word for word right down to the sports. Will post a bit later!

No advice just 💐

We have similar lifestyles and its why I refused / shut down

• moving to the bigger fancier house a 1m mortgaged house is more than enough!
• moving of the tube
• doing private for primary

You can help yourself somewhat....
Do the kids need that many sports?
Can you do lift shares?
Stop looking at the neighbours
Be less busy....
make yourself do those jobs like book next years hols at Christmas or In August while on holiday.

I think you need to start prioritising your marriage before it gets to the stage where you genuinely are only co-parenting with him and you’ll be skint, as well as knackered.

It’s just too much and it doesn’t sound like any of you are enjoying your lives right now. And what’s the point of working so hard if you don’t get to enjoy any of it? I think the DC need to drop at least one sport. If they feel like they want to do more, they can take themselves off to the local leisure centre after school or at the weekends and have a swim, or go for a run. Or play football/rugby/hoops with their mates. And while they’re doing those sports, you and DH could go for a run together, or for a coffee, or go home and have a bath together. Saturdays are for house jobs, shopping etc, Sundays are family days. You either do something like the cinema, a bike ride or park run or just have dinner together and relax.

I don’t live in London and my children are at state school but the rest is me. My children do rugby x 4 a week, football x 3 a week gymnastics, cubs, scouts, fitness, swimming, band and cricket between them.

Uber teen
Bikes or ebikes
One sport each/ or one evening of you driving at the very most, otherwise they bike or ebike or carpool.
One evening a week where you are with your DH , at least 3x per month
One weekend day with nothing

Otherwise what you describe is going to burn you out!
And yes to stop caring about the Joneses. When you hit 50 you get permission to not give any fucks any more. So.. if you're 50+ you're good. If not you can start early on not caring what people think and enjoying your life.

Not very helpful, but Pre-Brexit I would have suggested that you get an au pair. They could’ve lightened your load eg help with transport to activities and clubs, light household duties, food delivery unpacking, preparing simple meals etc.
But it’s not so easy to get au pairs nowadays - and the old “pocket money system” (in exchange for free board and free meals plus time off to study English) doesn’t exist any more. It’s a pity.

Mine do ultimate, basketball, trumpet, voice and violin and theatre and dance but they sdo some of that at the local school and some lessons online and they bis, bike and we drive a little. State school. We both work full time, flexible, but with some travel and some constraints.

Exactly this.

You’ve just described most of my friends’ lives. Kids do a ridiculous amount of extra curricular, both parents have FT jobs with a commute, it’s go go go all the time.

My kids hardly do any extra curricular activities. They go to local schools and are not pushed. I’m self employed and have chosen a low stress career that is totally flexible.

But most importantly — MOST importantly — we don’t buy into the materialism. I buy cars outright and drive them until they die. We have one holiday a year. We don’t spend money on frivolous things. We haven’t increased the speed of our lives with everyone else’s. And we are noticeably more peaceful.

Having said this, once you are in this lifestyle it’s almost impossible to backpedal.