Do you recognise this life?

[devilwearsprimarnidoesshe]

I’m tired. So tired. Almost 44. Co-parenting at best with my lovely DH, rather than any sort of relationship. We both talk about wanting it to be better, but it’s a low priority, always.

2 FT jobs, both in London x 2 or 3 per week. 90 min commute each way. Flexible timings but still both have clients so not always free choice.

2 kids in fee paying schools. One DC off to secondary, one mid prep. Both very sporty, one does gymnastics to a high-ish level (think 3 or 4 x 2 hr evening sessions) plus hockey and netball. The other is football/rugby/swim. This collectively takes up basically all evenings (we work or do our own sport (run) whilst they train).

Family help minimal - parents. There but quite scatty, and they’re getting older.

We live in a keeping up with the jones kind of a place, where I grew up. Life is just really fast.

We can’t give up prioritising the kids, but theres just no time. End up booking holidays late/not doing house jobs and everyone is bloody knackered.

Does anyone else genuinely live like this, or is it just us?

how do I do less without feeling like I’m failing? I’ve got into a habit of more is more, but I’m aware that’s not going all that well.

even just writing this makes me realise it’s a lot - but is it that unusual?

The thing is, the Joneses are imaginary. But that doesn't stop people voluntarily making daft choices and making their own lives unnecessarily miserable by trying to keep up with them. There should be a reprogramming scheme, as for getting people out of cults.

Life could be simpler op. Only you can make the decision if you want it to be. There doesn’t have to be the expensive area, the long commute for a certain salary, or the expensive schools. You could move to a cheaper area, you could apply for mainstream and you could work less hours. Maybe make a dream life plan what do you and dh really want. It’s easy to do what everyone seems to be doing until it isn’t enjoyable.

Already replied upthread about my own life but I have a friend who is like this, and then some. 4 kids all sporty, FT high stress job. Dh has a similar job and very much shares the load. Some weekends they have 8 or 9 matches. They car pool on almost everything but still have 2 cars on the go all weekend. She works out 4 times a week, sometimes competitively and also is involved with PT committee, is parent class rep for 1 child, coaches 2 teams and runs a book club Despite this she stays in touch and is always up for a night out. I've realised she can live like this because she was massive energy levels and doesn't ever take any downtime. Ever. She is happy and positive and thriving. Her Dh on the other hand seems to be sleepwalking and overwhelmed. He is visibly stressed and doesn't do the extras she does as he need more rest yet he is struggling every day. The point is different people manage different things. If her life had gone down a different path without kids she would probably work 14 hour days and have a time consuming hobby. I've long since stopped being in awe of her because there is no point. I could never live her life, I wouldn't want to and i dont think (anymore) I'm a lesser person because of it.

I agree @LIghtbylantern it's so much harder if your kids are sporty. Only one of mine is and it has literally dominated my life. Thankfully he got his licence recently so I'm a free agent again. I can't imagine telling him he would have to cut back, he wouldn't have progressed and possibly never forgiven me. There is major status and confidence in where he is in his sport. A good parent has to suck it up for a while. Thankfully his siblings didn't follow suit.

Rat race reprogramming! That actually sounds pretty good:

• trade your Volvo XC90 for a 10!year old VW estate
• kids into local state schools
• go down at least 2 grades at work and only work 4 days max
• Implement barter system with friends for childcare/lifts - paid services only for emergencies
• cook at home, booze at home, nights out in local pub, further afield for treats only
• kids pick one sport and one other club and ride their bikes there
• kids pick one device and pay a contribution to it out of their allowance
• kids have to earn allowance with chores and older ones ideally get a Saturday/babysitting type job
• entertainment is 90% reading and walks
• no branded anything allowed

any more?

Thank you for all the replies. Lots to think about.
I think small changes are going to be more manageable than eg pulling children out of private school/me giving up work, and then we can reassess. At the minute, there’s no spare capacity so anything something doesn’t go ‘exactly to plan’, it feels disproportionately bad as there’s no slack in the system.

i have in the past had loads of energy, I can’t sit still, always busying about doing things which is perhaps why it has worked, to a point, until now. But now I’m so tired!!

Maybe with the smaller changes, I can make it through to when the older one narrows her sport focus to one, or maybe two. At the moment, both kids are ‘A team’ for what they do, and that brings them a lot of joy (the sport and the social currency) so I don’t want to deprive them of that. Just need to cut out the noise

Seems like a sticking plaster approach to me 🤷‍♀️

Sounds bloody perfect to me!!

Me too

Back to our own childhoods

Drop some of kids activities.

Mine have 1 main sport each at that age and swimming lessons.

Perimenopause? I was wiped out at various points and just really overwhelmed.

Spend some more time in nature, find some solitude, connect with yourself and realise that a load of this stuff you’re worried about is fundamentally just artificial bullshit? Sounds a bit woo but really this is not what life’s about in the end.

Go back to London being poor seems easier sometimes stop the stupid competition they are not youre friends

the only change you can make is to change jobs to part time but then you can't cover private school costs and the sports for your kids.

you have inadvertently created this life without really considering the impact it has on your own wellbeing.

get a cleaner / online food shop etc you are prob already doing all of that

I wish I'd managed to do a tenth of what OP is doing when I was wiped out by perimenopause.

I highly doubt that it is; it sound like a simple case of "trying to do too much".

Outsource, outsource, outsource.

pay for a cleaner, gardener, cook (or something like gusto/hello fresh), get a handyman to do the jobs that need doing. Holiday planner.

if you are not able to afford outsourcing it all then you need to be realistic, no point suffering for Jones’s sakes, only have 1 life to live and no one really cares about your family as much as you think they do.

This is the route many people go down to reduce their load, but all it does it add to the financial lifestyle you have to keep up. You build scaffolding around you that costs money therefore you have to keep earning x amount to pay for it… You’re totally trapped.

Far better to simplify, simplify simply.

Go part time and actually enjoy your life. Cook from scratch. Do the garden. Find joy.

It's so hard, I feel you. Our kids are 8 & 10, my DD (10) is very sporty and has a very busy schedule. My husband works FT but only a 5 min bike ride away so that's good. I work 4 days a week but from home which has been a game changer. We also bought a house opposite the kids school which has been great. However we are in a very affluent area and I constantly feel like I need to keep up. We did make a big change and moved to Australia which means we can enjoy nice weather and the outdoors far more than we did at home but we are the only ones in our friendship group that don't have a pool and we aren't sending our kids to private school when they go to secondary school and that puts us in the minority, however we don't want to stretch ourselves even more! I know this is a phase but I want to look back and know we had quality family time together.