Do you recognise this life?

[devilwearsprimarnidoesshe]

I’m tired. So tired. Almost 44. Co-parenting at best with my lovely DH, rather than any sort of relationship. We both talk about wanting it to be better, but it’s a low priority, always.

2 FT jobs, both in London x 2 or 3 per week. 90 min commute each way. Flexible timings but still both have clients so not always free choice.

2 kids in fee paying schools. One DC off to secondary, one mid prep. Both very sporty, one does gymnastics to a high-ish level (think 3 or 4 x 2 hr evening sessions) plus hockey and netball. The other is football/rugby/swim. This collectively takes up basically all evenings (we work or do our own sport (run) whilst they train).

Family help minimal - parents. There but quite scatty, and they’re getting older.

We live in a keeping up with the jones kind of a place, where I grew up. Life is just really fast.

We can’t give up prioritising the kids, but theres just no time. End up booking holidays late/not doing house jobs and everyone is bloody knackered.

Does anyone else genuinely live like this, or is it just us?

how do I do less without feeling like I’m failing? I’ve got into a habit of more is more, but I’m aware that’s not going all that well.

even just writing this makes me realise it’s a lot - but is it that unusual?

I sometimes wonder whether highly expensive lifestyles really make people happy...

Sounds horrendous. You must be exhausted. I don’t recognise this as normal. Two teens and one primary school child.
We live in rural Scotland. Maybe it’s a London thing or private school?

Family meeting? Decide what can give. This sounds relentless.

There is a limit to how much parents can stretch themselves and how much a lifestyle can be maintained.

We found fairly early on that without external support that we couldn't sustain both of us working long hours. My career took a hit for a number of years contributed to by DS1 being autistic and struggling with long days in wrap around care. That hit was affordable with financial stability, and a fairly cost effective approach to lifestyle. We're fortunate to be in an area that's affordable to us, decent state schools and a lot of local options so little time/ expense wasted on travelling.

Our DCs do sports, but not high-pressure competitive. Into the teenage years, karate and parkrun are still going. One DS continues swimming. Other activities like football and scouting have been and gone. They're fit, they've gained a range of experiences and skills. We parkrun as a family, and the positive of that is that they see it as a potential of life-long activity.

The life treadmill has got easier in the teen years. There is some taxiing (there's tutoring as well as activities) but now they're older, I can do more for myself. DH and I now go to the gym together which has been good for our relationship in the last couple of years. I'm now working again, back in my sector but in a more contained role (alas salary to match, but tbh, pay per hour worked isn't wildly different to where I was at 10 years ago)

Our lives feel pretty balanced. I've wanted the DCs to have an upbringing with variety, but also space for their casual interests. Tbh DS1 needs a lot of casual down time anyway. We haven't been driven to be the best or keeping up with others. The hits I've taken came with risk and do have a long term impact on savings accrued. I think they were the most practical compromise for us, but they wouldn't be for everyone. It is worth thinking about your priorities, next stages and what could realistically be compromised so that you can enjoy the phase that you're in more.

Why?

We have one swimming lesson and one football class per week. No family help. And I feel exhausted. I honestly do not know how you can manage.

This sounds familiar. Two full time jobs plus kids.

Its untenable really, except at the expense of any joy in life.

We gave up kids activities as the sacrificial element.

Its a shame when you feel like a life not lived, only remembered with regret. There might be maybe ten sacrificial years before it gets better..

My life would have been like that if I chose private school for my DC.
I did not want that life.

Yes and it’s killing me

we have many similarities to you but most of our kids sports and activities take place before/ during after (independent) school so we just drop them early or pick them up late from school and there is very little extra logistical racing around to other venues since the school provides them all. Because traffic and driving are a huge waste of life

My kids were doing loads of activities at one point - not quite as much as yours but it still felt too
much of a juggle. I got them to rank how much they liked each. Actually wrote each one on a bit of paper and got them to put them in order. Then we talked about dropping the least favourite. Yours might actually welcome a conversation like this, they may be feeling obliged to carry on with everything.

Limit kids to ONE sport each. That's all that's necessary. You cannot fill from an empty cup.

I think this is correct. You don’t have to live like this. You don’t have to keep up with the Jones. The kids don’t have to do every activity …. Maybe those need to be reviewed and scaled back.

You say you are prioritising the kids, and I get the instinct, but actually you aren’t prioritising them if you are just burning yourselves out; that doesn’t benefit them. Plus kids don’t need access to every single things going all the time, or to have all their time scheduled. Maybe they choose one or at most two sports each.

Take a step back. Review everything together with DH. . Why are you choosing to live like this? How do you want to live instead? Then make those changes.

We live in a wealthy, highly educated area (houses are all £1m+, like literally nothing ever sells for less) and yes, I think what you describe is common. Majority of my friends kids are in AALLLLL the activities. But also… you can say no. You can say kids, you get to do one sport at a time. Or even no sports. You can say no to the long commute and either live in a smaller house closer to work or get a job closer to home.

DH have consistently made these choices: I am literally about to step back from a £135k/year job for something paying £100k because the quality of life hit wasn’t worth it. We live in a house WAY below our means. Our DC gets to do intermittent activities, usually no more than 2x a week total (usually swimming lessons and skiing or art and a STEM class at the local university). But she also doesn’t go to morning wraparound care at all and only goes to after school for 30 mins. She has so much time to play and do whatever weird project she’s working on. On the weekend, DH and I are not burned out, rushing around. We can spend the day at the beach or host family for dinner etc. I have no regrets about our choices to earn less and so less so we don’t feel like we’re on the treadmill.

Thinking about your comment about how the more you do, the better you get… yes… but does that matter? Who cares if you DC do sport for the county?

FWIW, I played a niche sport nationally, I played 2 sports for my uni and I am still very athletic. But it didn’t come at a cost to my family and doesn’t come at cost now. You can just do it because you love it.

Your children will never be that age again. You will not get a do-over. It is unlikely your marriage will survive this period. You and your husband have to decide what is most important to you for your marriage and for your children. Take the time to go away for at least 4 days. You need one day to recover, one day to id the issues and problems, and one day to discuss solutions and make a plan that helps and heals you, your husband and your kids. The 4th day is just for you and your husband to enjoy without the children.

Odd response

@devilwearsprimarnidoesshe

I recognise it. I used to live in a keeping up with the Joneses sort of area and I used to work in a private school. I don't anymore and I truly feel like I live somewhere much more "normal". In some ways, I assumed our family life might be a bit like your experience for us but we have a disabled child who attends special school so life looks very different. In some ways I am very grateful because without my child being the way they are, I wouldnt have ever slowed down to the extent I have.

I know someone who lives a life just like yours and this person is always trying to find a way to make it "work" but she tinkers around the edges rather than getting the kids to focus on just one sport or just one instrument. Always giving them lifts to school when there is a perfectly acceptable bus. Owning things like a boat, a holiday home, a large beautiful house decked out like a show home, super duper cars etc. Dashing off to use said holiday home, squeezing in trips abroad to "get a break". It all seems so stressful! She is very stressed. So is her husband. Their health has been affected by it.

I think they work in careers and socialise solely with people for whom this lifestyle is the norm. They could step away and achieve calm and simplicity by intentionally scaling back but that leaves you with having to find validation from elsewhere and needing to redefine what "success" looks like; quite hard tasks, although not impossible, when you have spent your school years and adult life aiming for this goal.

Because private schools are expensive and reliant on both parents earning a certain amount of money which is generally only achievable working in certain jobs and for a certain number of hours.

Because many private school children are from very wealthy families and your child will build up a false expectation of what the average child might expect to have (things like houses, cars, holidays, toys, electronic gadgets, lavishes of birthday parties).

Because many private school parents are very aspirational and expect their child to excel, to play multiple sports including participation in sports teams, to be placed highly in their class academically, to play at least one instrument and take part in a choir or an orchestra, and to have out of school "experiences"

And because OP has said she feels obliged to keep up with the Jones' and her Jones' are a particularly skewed sector of society because she mixes with private school parents who, by definition, are in the top end of the wealth range or come from well off families (bursaries are not really a thing below 11, which is the age of OP's children).

And yes, of course, you have some of these parents at the average state school, but it's a lot more diluted, so your child sees a range of people and doesn't assume (for example) that they must do 3 sports because everyone else is and going skiing in February half term is a normal thing to do.

I take the keeping up with the Jones comment to mean the expectations of how much stuff her kids do after school - it's easy to bat away the stuff like expensive holidays and cars - no one really cares about that. But around here (similar area) if your kids are not being enriched after school you can feel like you are letting them down when compared to the opportunities other kids get.

And for parents of sporty kids it's 10 times worse. I was both grateful and a bit frustrated that my kids weren't sporty - despite my encouragement - but they still did after school activities 3 times a week.

We are similar certainly the treadmill fast life. I reckon it all slows down in a few years so enjoy a busy family life while it lasts. Book holidays whilst waiting at clubs. Sod the house.

Ask yourself this.
When you are lying on your deathbed will you look back at these years and think “That’s was the absolute best way we could live our lives”
or
”What a fucking waste of time that was. We could have done things so much better”.

As an aside - when did it become so vital for kids to do so much ‘extra activities’? Can’t they just be kids?? When did you last watch a movie with popcorn? Or just spend time as a family without sport/running/work?
I’ve got to be honest -your life sounds utter hell to me.
What are you hoping to achieve with all of this sport? Are they both heading to Olympic//Country level?
Get off the treadmill and LIVE before one of you has a Heart attack or a total breakdown.

I think the deathbed advice is really good, applied to everything! Will I feel this was valuable? Because we could die next week. Deathbed feels far off and hopefully it is, but we need to choose the life we want.

This will sound ridiculous to some, but I gave up my part time work a few years ago and now SAHM. I do a fair bit of voluntary work, maybe 10hrs a week. I also feel a bit more treadmilly than I’d like! I’m also 44 and I think our bodies are calling on us to slow down. Those who had kids in their early 20s are doing that in their 40s but our modern way of life does lend itself to tired women prioritising young kids.

One of the things I value the most is always being able to pick up my kids from school and chat afterwards. Then we are often rushing through snacks and activities, but I feel privileged to spend so much time with them.

When we have a full weekend, we all feel knackered like you describe. Free, unscheduled time happening regularly, is really important. Especially as the good weather comes in. Kids play out on bikes etc in kinda 80s childhood style (7 and 10) and I know those will be important memories for them, as well as me getting to put my feet up when they are out.

Would you consider taking parental leave for the school holidays? I know it is unpaid but imagine all that time you could all just hang out together and go slower.

Our dcs are heaviy into extracurriculars. It's something we prioritise because I believe it's good for them to have a passion and focus outside of school, not because of keeping up with the Jones' or any other external pressure. However, our lifestyle isn't hectic. We work in London so we chose to live centrally rather than chase a suburban dream - we each have a commute under 15 mins (cycle/walk, so no stress about public transport/traffic) for school (5 mins), work and most extracurriculars. Oldest dc gets herself to extracurriculars and friends as public transport is easy. We eat meals as a family almost every night and spend weekends together. DH works ft and I work pt, mostly wfh. Working hours are flexible and it's always been easy to get to school events, due to the type of work we do. We're not overstretched financially - our house was expensive, as London properties are, but not relative to our income/savings, and we have a lot of financial headroom so we aren't stressed about redundancy possibilities etc. DCs are at private school and that's a big expense but I believe we get value from it.
We have investments which bring in income (paid for out of savings, not family money) so we're not completely dependent on salary. DH and I have a good relationship and make sure schedule in time for each other. We schedule in unstructured weekends for the dcs twice a term and block out any other plans.

The stealth boasting on this thread is unreal! The Joneses seem to be alive and well, and living on this thread.

Get them out of the private schools and sort your ££ issues. Reassess your priorities - time is wealth and you are spaffing it away.