Do you recognise this life?

[devilwearsprimarnidoesshe]

I’m tired. So tired. Almost 44. Co-parenting at best with my lovely DH, rather than any sort of relationship. We both talk about wanting it to be better, but it’s a low priority, always.

2 FT jobs, both in London x 2 or 3 per week. 90 min commute each way. Flexible timings but still both have clients so not always free choice.

2 kids in fee paying schools. One DC off to secondary, one mid prep. Both very sporty, one does gymnastics to a high-ish level (think 3 or 4 x 2 hr evening sessions) plus hockey and netball. The other is football/rugby/swim. This collectively takes up basically all evenings (we work or do our own sport (run) whilst they train).

Family help minimal - parents. There but quite scatty, and they’re getting older.

We live in a keeping up with the jones kind of a place, where I grew up. Life is just really fast.

We can’t give up prioritising the kids, but theres just no time. End up booking holidays late/not doing house jobs and everyone is bloody knackered.

Does anyone else genuinely live like this, or is it just us?

how do I do less without feeling like I’m failing? I’ve got into a habit of more is more, but I’m aware that’s not going all that well.

even just writing this makes me realise it’s a lot - but is it that unusual?

If your eldest hasn't started high school yet can you drop the private school?
Then reduce your hours at work to 4 days a week so you have some time to yourself. You will still have the money saved on school fees to spend on hiring a cleaner or some other idea to take the load off yourself.

The kids activities will surely become impossible before long when there's more homework. When do they see their friends? Yes sport teaches a lot but they don't need to do 3 different sports to learn those lessons.

I did similar to PPs, didn't stretch self for house, went 4 days at work, limited DC's clubs to 2, local and weekdays... I mean the house still needs a hoover but I get to read, go for a run, see a friend or to the cinema on my day off. And I see a lot of my DC outside of the chauffeuring and nagging to get ready and out the door for said activities.

It sounds bloody awful. What are your weekends like?

I agree with this. We made a conscious decision to have a simple lifestyle. No private schools, no mortgage, one extracurricular activity per child (this year two of my children decided not to do any extracurricular activities at all as they prefer hanging out with friends or being at home), one old-ish car. Both DH and I work 31 hours a week. We have enough money for holidays and meals out which are important to us, and a lot of time as a family.
We have friends who have exactly the lifestyle you describe and they always seem to be on the verge of having a nervous breakdown. I understand how people get to this point because it's what society seems to expect - the fancy house and cars, children who are pushed hard to perform well at school and during their free time. It takes courage to opt out of that lifestyle. I'm sure some parents think my DS2 should be doing football as an extracurricular activity because he's always at the park with his friends playing football. But actually I think it's more important he gets time with his friends in a relaxed and fun atmosphere, with no time pressure. Of course he's never going to be raking in the millions as a professional footballer (but I doubt that would ever have been the case anyway).
My point is, a different lifestyle is possible and it's definitely not everyone who lives like the OP. But you do need to renounce the current materialistic mentality and that's not easy.

I can empathise with the feeling of being on a hamster wheel in this way and I can safely say we were doing next to none of the activities you are doing outside of school when our kids were that age.

There are trade offs I think. The longer hours of private school make the days where you do have to commute into London easier to manage. But the holidays are longer and harder to juggle

Sporty kids does mean that holiday camps are more of an option. My non sporty child refused point blank to do anything of that nature once she turned 10 whereas I can still safely sign up DC2 in year 8 to a few days of a specialist sport camp/training in the holidays and keep them off screens.

It does get easier. They do become more independent and their focus narrows to the sport they really enjoy, want to do in clubs outside of school and have county opportunities and all that. Private school also means that they will run extra training outside of school so it's free after school club a day or two a week for years if they keep it up! Lift sharing becomes much more frequent and you are more confident sending them off with school parents you don't know very well. I am regularly bussing kids around, but I grew up in a "it takes a village" type culture and I won't hesitate to ask a favour if I'm stuck.

What helps now - outsourcing as much as possible. A spouse that really shares the mental and physical load of it all. Signing up to as few activities outside of school as possible. Limiting birthday parties and weekend activities. If you get a weekend with no sporting commitments, step back and protect it. DON'T organise anything. Don't fall into the trap of entertaining or being hosted by parents too regularly. It's lovely but again, eats into the little time available. We started an early Friday night dinner with MIL which is nice, she gets some adult conversation, the kids get fed before they get too tired and grumpy after a busy week, they stay at the table during dinner only and then buzz off for some Friday night telly and we all go to bed early before the Saturday running around starts.

Holidays - we failed this year and have just done it but try to sort out in the break between Christmas and New Year if you're not working. It's cheaper and once the big stuff is booked, the rest feels more achievable.

Are compressed hours an option? It doesn't have to be a 4 day week. A friend does a half day every other Friday and her husband does the same. They take it in turns to blitz the house on a Friday between them and get jobs done. But equally if you have regular nightmare with kids both having matches on a Wednesday night, it would be a way of managing in a sane fashion.

Is your husband equally burnt out or is he simply the driver while you do all the thinking? If so, start making some stuff entirely his problem to sort.

Wow. No I don't recognise that life.

It sounds like you are putting yourselves under a lot of stress (personal and financial) to keep up with the Joneses?

The 90 minute commute is unsustainable even if it's only 2-3 times a week.

The sheer volume of clubs the kids are doing ditto.

Something has to shift and only you can decide what that is.

You've ended up with the lifestyle that you've chosen down to a number of conscious decisions and it sounds like you are not necessarily happy about it.

I would say that I think the ages of your children are the worst for clubs etc. As they get older they tend to specialise plus they can get themselves to places without needing an adult all the time. So you may feel you can grit your teeth for the next few years and the hardest time will pass.

Other than that, I echo what others have said on this thread. DH and I both opted for less well paid jobs that were close to home because we wanted a decent work/life balance and to have plenty of family time. Yes, it meant we couldn't afford private school or amazing holidays, but we earned enough to supplement the local "bog standard comp" with extra curricular, and holidays in the UK were quite good enough for us. As the children got older we were in better positions to prioritise careers which has led to a complete career change for DH and for me to move into more senior roles.

If you are not happy with your life, then look at what you can change - one thing at a time.

You do hit a point (and for us it was when our kids were about 11) where they (and we) had to choose between some of the opportunities.

my dc were musical rather than sporty but played multiple instruments each. But there just aren’t enough hours in the day for them or for you to do all the opportunities it opens up.

dc one sang and played euphonium and played flute. She had to decide which was instrument 1 and that won in any conflicts (eg out of school choir against county orchestra).

they also do need some downtime.

if your dc is sporty they may be given opportunities - more than they actually have hours in the day to do. Maybe it’s time to start prioritising.

we wound up having Saturday as the day “off” - Sunday was church choir and music plus brass band practice in the afternoon.

mine did manage to watch a hell of a lot of tv and play a lot of video games through their teen years as well.

I thought the whole point of private school (well, part of it) is they do extracurriculars there and you don't have to co-ordinate it? My son is in private school (kind of accidentally, international school in non-English-speaking country) and we take him to music at weekends but the other two clubs he does, he does after school and then comes home as usual.

What would you want for your children? Do you want them to follow in your footsteps on the same treadmill, bearing in mind the additional changes and difficulties young people face? If not, you need to start modelling - and valuing - something different.

Whilst DH and I consciously exited the rate race in our 30s, we were able to carry on with the feepaying schools and expectation that our own kids would follow in that race. I am now very concerned that it risked setting them up for failure. The eldest is suffering from burnout in their early 20s due to their attempts to join and succeed in this race. The youngest is still studying, though with no clear path to employment, but fortunately, less desire to join the race.

The thing we did right, imo, is NOT model keeping up with Joneses. Old cars, frugality and simple choices are our norm, and the kids know that this can be a happy and fulfilling life. We also chose not to live in the SE, and we spend time with a variety of people with different lives and expectations. My peers from uni live like you and I feel blissfully detached - when I see them, I feel pity and gratitude. I know that all that social media guff hides exhaustion and frustration and I will not take part in perpetuating the lie.

You are very nearly there, don’t fret!

Key is for them to go to a secondary school that they can get themselves to and from.

Once your youngest is in secondary school your life will get easier. Only a couple more years. And please try to make them do all their extra curricular activities via the school.

Once my youngest was settled in secondary school with all his friends life became so much easier. The kids were off at school sports or with friends on the weekend, me and DH started having lovely Saturdays wandering around museums, going out for lunch, pottering etc. It was lovely.

The commutes are the killer here.

It is a treadmill op.

For all the negatives of lockdown, it did help us to realise as a family that a slightly less frenetic schedule was better for all of us, and we have dialled it down thereafter.

A couple of years ago (I'm in my 60's) I worked as a mother's help for a local family. Both parents were high-flying barristers and constantly on the go. My job started at 3, collecting 3 kids from different schools and delivering them to all their activities. (The mum was insistent that they should be swimming competitively, but they also did football and other activities.) When we got home, we had two washing machines on the go constantly, then two dryers and I prepared the kids' dinner while I supervised their homework. When they did see their parents, it was on the way to bed, or if the mum poked her head out of her office to nag them about something and then swipe them away. It was a very sad life and I'm glad I was able to bond with the children for a while -- their weekends were equally fraught.

OP this time with your children flies by and before you know it, they'll be adults and will be busy with their lives and you'll be longing for more time with them. Some stuff really just doesn't matter - having a new car/fancy holiday etc isn't that important - your kids would enjoy any holiday where you can all spend quality time together having fun getting to know each other better.

I know no-one is off to the Olympics here, but the values that sport teach are (I think) important, and the more they do, the better they get, and so more opportunities open up for them (county stuff etc)

But why do you need those opportunities to open up for them? My DC used to play cricket at county level - to be honest, it was just an expensive pain in the arse - long days of cricket games played at a long distance from home. Training far further from home than when he played at local level. In the end, it put him off cricket, and doesn't play any more at all, other than the odd local game. Which, to honest, he would have preferred all along.

Be careful what you wish for. At the end of the day, your children don't need to play lots of different sports - choose their favourite one and concentrate on that - they'll learn all the values they need from this.

But that doesn’t change how bloody knackered we both are. Dropping the rope feels scary - I realise that sounds pretty pathetic as it’s my/our life. Right now, I feel very much like heading to burn out - and the thought of 9 weeks of summer holiday sounds utterly grim (with 2 FT jobs)

But you'll be no good to your kids at all if you have a burn out - it's time to make a change. It's a shame to be dreading the summer holidays - these for me were lovely times, with time for the kids to do very little and recharge their batteries, and the same for me as much as possible. I had a job that meant that I could work around the kids on the whole - but that's not just luck, it was a conscious decision.

The years when your children are still children are short - don't waste them trying to shoehorn so much in, children don't need to be running from one activity to another the whole time - sometimes they just need time to be children.

I agree. And there is actually a lot of evidence that children are missing out on critical developmental stages by not having sufficient downtime, and only ever being in structured environments being told what to do.

Once upon a time children spent the summer making boats out of leaves to float on the garden pond, making fairy dens, writing a story, re-routing an ant marching route - just kid's stuff fired by curiosity and imagination. Now its a quick breakfast before being despatched to structured activities. I don't believe it is healthy.

Would have absolutely hated a life like that as a child or a parent. Sounds utterly exhausting.

I was you exactly 10 yrs ago,the exhaustion of the treadmill and relentless pursuit of what we thought was right at the time.
My husband died at the age of 47 and when he was ill i asked him if he had any regrets about the way we had lived and he said just not understanding what was important ,which was our health,enjoyment and spending time together as a family and with each other.
He didnt regret prioritising our children but felt we could have done so in away that wasnt so exhausting and overwhelming.
The kids did similarly as well as their peers in state schools,they gave up their national standard sports .
At the time i thought it was all just for a limited time that we were doing our bset until the kids grew up and that we had time for a different season,sadly we didnt.
No, one can tell you what to do but if you can make some things easier for yourself and let some things go or get help where you can i would.
Good luck.

I do recognise what you are saying. Against the grain I think you are providing your children with a lot of amazing things. Occassionally something has to give but it takes a lot to make it these days. I work part time and generally from home but my husband works in a very pressurised and unpredictable but important and well paid role. We are flat out and have sporty DD and animals and land which all need looking after and a large well organised and clean and decorated house. We still have loads to do outside. Realistically if we weren't working hard and putting a lot into Dd sports etc life would be easier but imo lesser. So I don't completely agree with the its your fault for living the way you do comments because it ignores how much you are doing extra. Occassionally people and especially school parents tell me they feel sorry for how busy I am but generally its pretty passive agressive. Imagine if I replied with, yes well they are only in this age bracket once and this year we get to go to the national finals, have you ever done anything like that for your kids? And don't worry if looking after land and animals isn't for you as setting it up would cost close to the value of your house. I never would because I have got manners but the you are ruining your life working so hard comments when they are not asked for almost get that response.

The Joneses will always be one step ahead. You're destroying your life with pointless comparison. Enjoy what you already have. There will always be others with more than you but life's too short to worry about that.

I don't recognise this life as I deliberately avoided it with state schools, less full on jobs and not too much going on at once for DDs. Also living near a family support network. Because the eldest puts enough pressure on herself to achieve already and the younger one is completely resistant to it with AuADHD.

This is a really wise and actually very generous post, sharing those words of your DH for the benefit of others. It has definitely "rebooted" the part of me that knows deep down he is right.

It's just me and DS11 but I have deliberately chosen a school (independent) that he can get to on the bus, and weekends I schedule very little, we stay at or close to home and only see very local friends; I try very hard not to organise anything that means we have to get in the car (we live rurally).

Despite having a lot more energy than me, DS also needs - and values - downtime. Weekdays are long and busy, but once school is done for the day that's it, we're home and able to relax.

You can get off the hamster wheel OP, do less and be a lot happier!

In relation to sport, they enjoy it, we both enjoy sport, and so do prioritise it as a family. I know no-one is off to the Olympics here, but the values that sport teach are (I think) important, and the more they do, the better they get, and so more opportunities open up for them (county stuff etc).

Just to pick up on what you said here. Your DC enjoy sport and you think that sport teaches values that you think are important.

Why do they need to play at county level? Can they get as much out of sport just by doing whatever extra-curricular is available at school (which is usually extensive at private school) - for example?

DD was a good swimmer at the age of your DC and had the chance to take up club swimming. She told me that she didn't really want to swim competitively, she wanted to swim for fun, and she liked it when we went as a family because she liked doing things us all together and she could do a mix of swimming lengths and practicing acrobatics in the pool or just messing about with her brother.
So we abandoned the idea of club swimming and went once a week as a family and she did occasional evenings with me where we both just swam lengths. We were all much happier and it took up much less time.

I think if you are on a treadmill it's easy just to keep going without stopping to think. Do your children share your vision? Do they feel they can't speak up for fear of disappointing you ? Do they feel that they have to do things (because "the Jones'").

Same age, similar issues, less money. Both of my kids are in state schools (one special, one mainstream). My disabled DS has one after school sports club a week - run by his specialist school. He wouldn’t be able to do any ‘regular’ types of after school clubs because of his high needs. My neurotypical DD has art club one day after school and Brownies another. That’s plenty for them, and us!

It can be easy to be swept up into signing kids up to all the clubs but my kids actually like hanging out at home after school. We read, do spelling practice, make dinner together, do crafts, ignore each other for a while on screens 😂 Last night DD and I felt really tired as we’ve been recovering from a virus, so we had hot showers and put our pyjamas on at about 6 and watched two back to back episodes of Big Cat Diaries on iplayer.

More activities doesn’t necessarily equal more happiness/future success. DH and I are Oxbridge/post grad level educated - he was pushed, I wasn’t. We both see the necessity of balance in life. We aren’t rich, our kids won’t be running the country in twenty years, but they’re really happy.

We do very similar. 4 day weeks, kids have two formal hobbies each (plus an instrument). And life still feels hectic sometimes even so! Financially we are feeling the pinch a bit now as cost of living has gone up, but it's hard to give up the headspace and time working part time gives us both. We can pick up DC from school and chill out with them at least 3 days per week. We don't rush about. It's nice.

I live in SW London and know lots of these families. IME something always has to give.

In some families it is the job that goes - one person (usually the wife) drops down to something very pt and wfh, or SAHM.

In some families it’s the extra curriculars. Kids get one or two hobbies each, parents get just enough exercise or maybe don’t. Not a lot of social life.

In some families they throw money at it. Nanny often for more hours than strictly needed, cleaner 2 times a week doing laundry etc too, gardener, dog walker, etc.

In all the “move out of London to commuter belt” families I know, it was the wife’s job that got sacrificed. Not suggesting that is right for you. It wasn’t necessarily right for them either.