Husband just walked in after stag weekend

[oxfordpower]

He left Friday lunchtime for a weekend around 3 hrs away. Young DC whom I’ve looked after all weekend doing swimming, play dates, party, nature walk, baking etc. We agreed husband would get up on Sunday and come straight back, and we realised he’d need to book a minicab to the train station as the stag do was in the middle of the countryside. I kept asking if he had booked the mini cab and he hadn’t but said he was aware.

Then this morning at 9 he texts he’s going for a shower and that he’s going for brunch at 11. I was like WTAF?! To brunch!

He said he couldn’t find any local cab companies able to come out earlier. I sent him some links and eventually he found one , so got picked up at 11 (skipped the brunch I presume) and finally arrived back home just now.

He asked how I was and I said cross. He is now refusing to speak as he said I’ve misunderstood his text messages but when I ask for clarity he says I’m not speaking now as I’m too cross to explain.

He’s now playing Xbox with DC who are allowed 2hrs on a Sunday afternoon. So I’ve done all the ferrying and hands on activities with them he gets to come home and chill out on the sofa playing Xbox and DC think fun Dad is back.

I am not being sarky but are you not able to manage your children for a weekend ? Your op is very angsty and full of panic.

And did you fix it all?

Or did you give the impression or be clear that 'this needs tidying, cleaning and children calming down- I'll be back once its done'

I cannot believe that in a day and half someone would take it upon themselves to do baking, nature walk, party, playdate, swimming etc , its just far too much. No wonder parents are on the floor these days.

I'd have been inclined to give him the whole weekend up front, but he requested one thing and everything was arranged around it and then he unilaterally did something else. That might be fine if you didn't have children together that need active care; as it is, it's unacceptable. As far as his being too angry to talk right now- I'd let him calm down, but make sure the talk happens once he has. The issue that needs to be discussed is a lot bigger than this one instance of coming home late, so don't get stuck on that.

If he genuinely cannot look after the children on his own for a weekend, that's a huge issue and probably the most important one to tackle. It's not just that he happens to get significantly more "time off" and "time away" than you at the moment, it's that you CAN'T get any, because of his shortcomings, and he's not doing anything effective about remedying the situation. The fact that he takes it for granted that you'll routinely happily and uncomplainingly take care of mutual responsibilities that he cannot and won't do is just a big irritant stemming from the original problem that only one of you is a competent parent. What would happen if you were sick or injured or had to go out of town for a few days for work or an emergency in your extended family or friend group? He HAS to be able to look after the children safely and competently on his own. It's absolutely reasonable to expect him to do what it takes to make that happen, starting today.

I wouldn’t have skipped brunch. With what you have written - YABU.

I think you’ve been unfair, once away I think he should be allowed to join in fully. My husband gets away more than I do and I have never had family help but that’s not his fault.

Op a 5yo is easy easy age. Surely with the others older, then it’s easier? Seems like the issue is that he does this quite often though which isn’t fair

I think you set him up to fail here. Realistically it was always going to end like this, wasn't it?

We agreed husband would get up on Sunday and come straight back

Hmm. It sounds more like you laid down the law as a condition of him being allowed to go.

I kept asking if he had booked the mini cab and he hadn’t but said he was aware.

It sounds like you were awfully concerned about making sure you stayed on top of exactly when he would be home. Why would you need to keep reminding him about booking a cab? He's a grown man. Why the need to micromanage the situation like that?

Then this morning at 9 he texts he’s going for a shower and that he’s going for brunch at 11. I was like WTAF?! To brunch!

Well it sounds as though they were all going to have brunch and then be heading off home afterwards. I was a weekend away, after all. He probably didn't want to scuttle off early if no-one else was.

He said he couldn’t find any local cab companies able to come out earlier. I sent him some links and eventually he found one, so got picked up at 11 (skipped the brunch I presume) and finally arrived back home just now.

Wow. You really wanted to make sure he didn't have that extra couple of hours that he hadn't sought prior permission for, didn't you?

Look, unless he's an absolutely useless, feckless arse and never lifts a finger with the children, stays out late getting pissed up and coked up far too regularly and prioritises himself over his family constantly, then I think you should have just unclenched your buttocks and accepted that he'd be home when he was ready. The world hasn't ended for the sake of a few extra hours. At least he has the decency to let you know early in the day what he had planned, which is more than many men would have done. They'd have just switched off their phones and ignored you.

You sound fed up, I would be too if he’s often away. No reason to stay longer if you’d agreed and all the other married men came home early.

Sorry, but I think you're BU. A stag weekend is a one-off event and you chose to do all those tiring activities – did you really need to schedule a playdate on top of swimming, a party AND a nature walk? It does feel like you're cross with him for having to cope with an overburdened weekend alone, yet you had agency to make it less frenetic and more relaxing.

Chill out

No your whole life doesn't stop when you get married.

But you and a lot of women are totally not living in the real world if you are in ignorance of what a lot, admittedly not all, stag dos are all about. Particularly the foreign destination stag dos. Why do you think a lot of cities are clamping down on stag dos and trying to make it clear the behaviour on these stag dos crosses over into the totally unacceptable and unwanted?

I would be very wary of a man who attends stag dos and where this is the norm with his friends. Generally it denotes a man who keeps a side of his character secret from his wife or partner. A side which his wife or partner would be shocked at if she saw it in action.

Are you also disgusted by the whole concept of hen dos?

On the face of it, it wasn't reasonable to ask him to come back early from his weekend.
I get that a weekend alone with kids is hard, but if it's a one off then he shouldn't have a curfew. I don't think you've made it particularly easy on yourself with all the activities, although it also depends on the kids' age.

Christ, he's allowed to have a weekend with his mates. Next time it's your turn. No drama required.

well did he sort the mess out?

Him being crap when you go away is a different issue - but sounds like instead of addressing it at the time you're punishing him for it now.

Agree re too many activities. Happy memories of me and my siblings at that age spending Saturdays largely in PJs, watching cartoon network, maybe going out for a bit on the swings, back home for a pizza. You made a rod for your own back then moaned it wasn't comfy.

It sounds like the problem is that you’ve only had one weekend away with your friends. You need to carve out time for yourself and make some plans! I think it’s unreasonable to expect him to come back early but it’s unreasonable that he has time with friends and you don’t, hence why you’re probably feeling resentful.

Shit husband, shit father, and general selfish loser.
I suppose you do his laundry, shopping and cooking?
Do you work outside the home?
Stop doing anything that benefits him.

If this is a one -off (& from your post it sounds like it is), give the poor beggar a break OP. YABU. Especially about the brunch. Do you seriously expect guys on a stag weekend to be up for an 8am breakfast????

Sorry OP but I am Team Husband! You seem pretty over-demanding unless his stag do is a very regular occurrence. He should have the whole weekend rather than a silly thing where he has to get up early (which wasn’t going to happen). Then you have a
similar time and do what you’d like. I also suggest that maybe he isn’t a problem - but perhaps he just doesn’t do things to your high standards?

And OP is that a normal pace of a weekend? Whether he's there or not?

It just sounds unsustainable to me

I also find this a bit much, surely you could have done another couple of hours and let him have brunch;,having kids should not be a battle field like this where each parent resents looking after them, it’s clearly not a common thing thay he’s a way all the time.

Just wow, what a reach, all because he want on a rare weekend with his mates and wanted brunch and the house was a bit of a tip when he did it for her.

no wonder so many marriages end,

You need a break - he has several breaks a year and he needs to fully understand that when you return from your weekend away you will walk right back out the door if you walk into a house that looks like its been burgled.

He was floored by looking after them for 48 hours alone but is more than happy for you to do this regularly (selfish prick). He can't see the parallels, he's not prepared to accept that looking after children is hard work for everyone.

To those of the commenters asking why "you're being a martyr"? Its because we want our children to have great childhoods, we want them to go outside, we want them to remember baking with us and we want them to eat decent food and go to bed at regular set times because that keeps them regulated and behaving half decently. For a lot of us, that's what we call parenting, not sticking them in front of the tv with a bag of crisps.

And sticking the in front of a play station all weekend will bite anyone on the arse