Husband just walked in after stag weekend

[oxfordpower]

He left Friday lunchtime for a weekend around 3 hrs away. Young DC whom I’ve looked after all weekend doing swimming, play dates, party, nature walk, baking etc. We agreed husband would get up on Sunday and come straight back, and we realised he’d need to book a minicab to the train station as the stag do was in the middle of the countryside. I kept asking if he had booked the mini cab and he hadn’t but said he was aware.

Then this morning at 9 he texts he’s going for a shower and that he’s going for brunch at 11. I was like WTAF?! To brunch!

He said he couldn’t find any local cab companies able to come out earlier. I sent him some links and eventually he found one , so got picked up at 11 (skipped the brunch I presume) and finally arrived back home just now.

He asked how I was and I said cross. He is now refusing to speak as he said I’ve misunderstood his text messages but when I ask for clarity he says I’m not speaking now as I’m too cross to explain.

He’s now playing Xbox with DC who are allowed 2hrs on a Sunday afternoon. So I’ve done all the ferrying and hands on activities with them he gets to come home and chill out on the sofa playing Xbox and DC think fun Dad is back.

Lolol. Shall I hold your prayer book whilst you list off the seven deadly sins.

I have been on a few hen weekends. I definitely indulge to excess, but generally I behave because I’m a normal human.

I’ve managed to maintain my own marriage vows at the same time!

my youngest is 2 and i’m going away for 4 nights soon while DH looks after the kids.

YABU op. And take more time for yourself. But you have ruined his weekend it sounds like. For nothing.

😂😂Hilarious 🙄

The fact he’s not speaking to you is bad but tbh you do sound a bit - OTT - all that squeezed into one weekend, you’ve made it way harder than it needed to be which is why you resent his time away. Is he away a lot with work or frequent mates breaks? If the latter I can see your point but also strongly recommend chilling out a bit. Kids don’t need to be entertained constantly - they need to just “be” sometimes just like adults.

Sounds like you need to build in more time for yourself - how many DC and how old are they?

If the youngest is 5 that’s a long time to not go and stay with a friend/family member/take a short break somewhere

Blimey OP!

I think there must be a lot more to this than just him not coming back first thing on a Sunday morning.

I don’t think anyone would expect (ask or demand) that their partner be home first thing on a Sunday morning when he’s on a Stag Do.

Your expectations and reaction is really bizarre….. but I’m not going to be unkind as I’m guessing there is something fundamentally wrong with your relationship and how you feel about your husband if it has led to this scenario.

Just read the thread, at least her updates, it’s really not that hard. And what you will see is that she doesn’t get a turn. Because he is a useless parent. Rendering yours, and half the other ‘chill out’ comments, completely pointless.

do you guys sit in meetings and respond to a point made an hour ago, when everyone else has moved on to the next topic?

If old enough to play Xbox I think you are being ridiculous to even suggest he came home so early unless you are going to drop feed he’s got several more this spring. You chose to do all those activities whereas the kids would have been fine with double x box allowance

Sorry but I do feel @Itstimeforachangeagainposts are completely unreasonable, puritanical and derailing the thread. This isn’t some crusade I’ve got against stag parties. It’s a specific issue in my marriage that I’m trying to discuss.

Omg. This thread is giving me the rage! It wasn’t rare!! That’s why the op is so upset. Just read her updates!

There's a big gap between being as over scheduled as OP and her DC were and sticking them in front of screens all weekend.

And actually, if they're in front of games, with each other and their Dad, I dont really see why that's so different to e.g. family board games, which would presumably meet with approval.

So, because I am a married mother I can’t go out with friends?!

Who said that ? I certainly didn't?
Nothing wrong with men and women socialising with their friends.

My problem is with stag dos , and to a certain extent," hen" dos. Even the terminology is appalling.
And in the case of " stag dos" it's well known and well documented the type of behaviour that involves.

Your children can’t be that young if they’re playing Xbox.
Honestly I just don’t understand why you had to make rules around him going in the first place. What’s so unreasonable about him going for brunch with everyone before leaving? Sunday afternoon is a completely reasonable time to return from a weekend 3 hours away.

A lot of single mums do that every weekend. Yabvu. He's allowed to have a weekend away. I can't imagine many blokes going on a stag and having to creep home early because their wife can't cope with the kids alone for a few hours. It makes you both look a bit pathetic. If it was a reverse he'd be seen as controlling.

That’s your twisted interpretation which bears zero resemblance to the reality. Do you feel
the same about hen weekends?

If you can’t trust your partner not to behave like an animal unless he’s kept under your thumb that’s on you. But just because don’t trust yours doesn’t mean other women don’t have more trustworthy partners.

Un clutch those pearls and climb down off that cross

😂I definitely am living in the real world thanks.

Not all stag do's are as you describe, as you even admit yourself.

It is actually possible to attend one and NOT cause trouble, misbehave, cheat, entertain strippers and get lap dances.

I have been on many a hen do and yes, I have had a bit more to drink than I normally would, and I have had fun, but in no way did I cheat, or misbehave in any way.

I am definitely not ignorant to what goes on on stag do's but there is nothing in the OP's thread that says this one was like that. It was in the middle of the countryside and he didn't come home pissed, hungover and throwing up. In fact he seems perfectly fine and is playing Xbox with the kids. So there was no need for you to make the general comments about stag do's that you have when it would seem this one was not 'one of those ones'

But what’s the issue? He went on a rare weekend away and reasonably wished to have brunch with his friends before leaving. You struggle with the kids alone for reasons undisclosed and forced him to miss it. What issue do you face, is it the kids?

I'm not puritanical.

I dislike intensely the culture of stag dos and the behaviour involved and the type of people who go on these dos.

BUT if you have no problem with your H going on these dos, if they are in keeping with the values of your relationship, I'm failing to see what your problem is.

If he goes on these dos with your blessing then why are you complaining? He obviously has carte blanche to behave as he wants knowing you are ok with it.

You can't have it both ways .

I think you were a bit of a dick tbh. He was only gone a couple of days and they are your own children… how hard can it be to look after them for the weekend?

Are neither of you allowed to have a weekend away with friends? I wouldn’t be happy with this if I’d been away for a hen do

Thanks. I feel like lots of people have just skim read the OP and not the whole thread. My fault guess for drip feed.

i don’t think the weekend was overkill. It went like this:
Friday- school pick up 3pm
swimming
macdonalds

Saturday - play date in the park
followed by nature walk
home for toys play / cartoons all afternoon
movie night with pizza

Sunday morning party
baking

my DC are crazy energetic types so being sat around all day doesn’t work

Well, I feel like you’re missing the point.

You're being unfair, if he's going on a stag weekend, it's unfair to dictate that he's got to cut it short to come back to give you a break, I think.

It is hard though. My DH worked long, long hours when our kids were little, often away, overtime at a moment's notice, completely irregular hours. So I was the main carer and full time at home with them for 2 years, and god, I needed him around at weekends. But he also needed a life. Yes, i'd hate it when he went on the odd stag weekend here or there because it was exhausting for me, but it wasn't often, and he was always a very hands on dad otherwise.

For me, it helped him to understand how full on it is caring for kids when I got a weekend job. 6 hours on a Sunday. It was good all round. For the kids to have one on one time with dad, for me to be out of the house, for him to appreciate what I did during the week, and to develop his parenting skills and not rely on me to give him instructions etc etc.

Yes, some things may not have been perfectly as I would have done, but does that matter? I think you probably need to let him look after them more often, for a whole day. And leave him to it. But also lay down expectations and say that it's not a break for you at all if he leaves all the tidying and domestic chores for you to do when you get back, so he has to figure out how to get that done as well as look after the kids, same as you do the rest of the time.

Used to love it when DH went away as I know following weekend was MYTIME!!!!!!

I'm torn. I can totally see why you are fed up in feeling you are constantly looking after the children while he is away and that you had an agreement. However, if a stag do is not a frequent happening then I think I would have not worried about him going to the brunch. The problem is that you feel you are left alone often to deal with children and activities without his help and don't get a break yourself. In other words I'm no use at all. I do understand how resentment can build up and cause unhappiness.