Husband just walked in after stag weekend

[oxfordpower]

He left Friday lunchtime for a weekend around 3 hrs away. Young DC whom I’ve looked after all weekend doing swimming, play dates, party, nature walk, baking etc. We agreed husband would get up on Sunday and come straight back, and we realised he’d need to book a minicab to the train station as the stag do was in the middle of the countryside. I kept asking if he had booked the mini cab and he hadn’t but said he was aware.

Then this morning at 9 he texts he’s going for a shower and that he’s going for brunch at 11. I was like WTAF?! To brunch!

He said he couldn’t find any local cab companies able to come out earlier. I sent him some links and eventually he found one , so got picked up at 11 (skipped the brunch I presume) and finally arrived back home just now.

He asked how I was and I said cross. He is now refusing to speak as he said I’ve misunderstood his text messages but when I ask for clarity he says I’m not speaking now as I’m too cross to explain.

He’s now playing Xbox with DC who are allowed 2hrs on a Sunday afternoon. So I’ve done all the ferrying and hands on activities with them he gets to come home and chill out on the sofa playing Xbox and DC think fun Dad is back.

So, because I am a married mother I can’t go out with friends?! My marriage isn’t solemn, it’s loving and full of fun and humour.

You sound like a miserable bugger.

OP, the issue isn’t this weekend, it’s your life regardless of this weekend. I wouldn’t put up
with this. Why is he away a lot? Is it work or fun?

Yes the Puritans have called from the 1600s they want that poster back to finish the milking and stop the youngsters singing in church

I’ve been happily married for 16 years, have 3 children and love a weekend of excess and indulgence with my friends! Can’t comment on the ‘bad behaviour’ as I’m not sure what you’re defining as bad behaviour, but I suspect based on your overall attitude that you mean things like dancing in a club? If so, I love that too.

Your thoughts are quite unusual, and you seem to take things far too seriously, with a huge pile of hyperbole and made up stuff in all your posts. Why would enjoying a weekend away from normal life with your friends mean that you don’t think your family are the most important thing, or that you’ll be out womanising or whatever other nonsense you’ve made up? It’s quite a sad outlook to be honest, and suggests that you don’t think grown ups should be allowed to ever enjoy themselves.

@oxfordpower Ive just had a very similar conversation with a friend about this!
husband goes away and life continues as usual, husband comes back home after to everything being as it usually is.
Wife goes away and comes back to 2 days of house crap to catch up on, but hey, the kids had a really fun couple of days. Side note, I hate my husband going away with his mates, we don’t see each other in the week and weekends are valuable.

But many women will go out with their friends at weekends or go on hen weekends. So what, you have kids and your whole life has to stop? 🙄

Who said anything about him going out 'womanising'? OP said they were in the middle of the countryside. What kind of womanising do you think he was doing?

So he attends a friends stag weekend which means he doesn't care about his wife and family. What utter nonsense and a really strange viewpoint you have.

I wouldn’t have dreamt of asking my DH to come back early from a stag do. Maybe next weekend your DH can take over the majority of the running around to give you a break.

Ok. So we’ve got down to the actual problem now.
that being that your husband is a useless parent, lazy and selfish. And you have realised you can’t stand him.

OP the answer is not that he has less of a break away, it’s that you need more. Take more time for yourself, it doesn’t need to be a full weekend if that is difficult to arrange, can just be more days/ lunches/ evenings out for you to recharge. Make some plans.

@oxfordpower if he can’t get his act together to look after his own kids while you have time out/time away then he doesn’t get to go away overnight either .
He knows how hard it’s is but it’s ok for him
to head off and drag out coming back
home!
Why aren’t you out just now ?
Take yourself for food and a few chilled drinks and come back and once kids bathed and in bed .

I think it’s a little unfair to be cross however if he had said he would be back by a certain time, then he should have tried to stick to those arrangements.
Having said that my DH has just been away for a week, and was later home than expected. I didn’t get cross but expected him to jump straight into what we were doing as the kids had missed him, I then sat in a nice hot bath with a book and a glass of wine!
You chose to do baking, fresh air walks etc rather than give a little more x-box time and dig into pizza, those activities were your choice, you can’t bemoan doing the things you have chosen to do.
I usually meal plan and cook from scratch but the week DH was away there were 2 nights that I shoved stuff into the oven ed fish fingers and chips because I didn’t have the time or inclination to do anything else.
It’s a weekend, it sounds like you are overdue a break which is why you resent what has happened this weekend.
Have a look at what you fancy doing and book it!

Scoured this for the actual issue, and didn't find it. I'm disappointed! What's the problem here exactly?

Water AND dry biscuits?! You hedonist! No saving for you come the rapture..

No i'm all for people in a relationship having their own identities and interests and friends.

But I'm totally disgusted by the whole concept of " stag dos. The terminology says it all: a bunch of men behaving like rampant males intent on enjoying themselves and to hell with civilised respectful behaviour. And to hell with their partners and wives at home caring for their children while they go on the randan.

I have no respect or trust of a man who goes on stag dos if they are supposedly in committed relationships . And the naivety of a lot of women who happily wave their partners off on these dos absolutely astounds me

DH is very often away overnight or for a few nights so I rarely get a break. I’ve only had one weekend away since the DC were born

If you had big plans today and he missed them then I think you would be justified. But I think the above is probably why you are so cross. He can't be left alone for a weekend with the kids, and you don't want to be left alone for a weekend with the kids. But something's going to have to give isn't it

I can't see what the issue is, plans change. Yes you've had them all weekend, but unless this is a regular every weekend thing I'm sure you can cope! Youngest is 5, hardly babies....

All I’m getting from this thread is that you make life harder for yourself by obsessing over precise amounts of screen time and counting the number of vegetables your children eat in a weekend, while your DH is a more chilled person who doesn’t see any need to be quite so uptight about everything.

Op. Just ignore every single post that only read your op and not the updates which tell a totally different tale.

Your resentment is getting the better of you, I think. Unless he is away a lot, then it should be fine for him to have a stag weekend away, including the add-on brunch! If I’d be really upset with my spouse if they’d insisted I get up early on the Sunday and miss brunch with my friends. My exDH was shit in many respects but he would have insisted I stay for the brunch. I don’t think you’re being reasonable at all.

When my DC were younger than yours, exDH would go away for the weekend two or three times a year. I’m not going to say it wasn’t hard work, but it was OK. I enjoyed doing things with the DC when they were young. In fact I miss those times terribly and would go back to that time in a heartbeat!

I think perhaps you need to address what is making you resentful (would you like a weekend away yourself? Do you need him to step up and do his share with the DC and with the house?). On the face of it, it is not unreasonable for him to go on a stag weekend and come home midafternoon on the Sunday. I thought you were going to say he’s come home from the stag and told you he did something awful! Your arranging a cab for him is a bit controlling in my view. I would be livid if my ex had done that.

The problem is that an agreement was made - it matters not what the agreement would be between any other poster and their respective partners only what was agreed here - an it was given that 3 others did exactly what was agreed a perfectly reasonable agreement and one which didn’t impact that stag or anyone else at all

and he decided not to because his priority wasn’t coming back to his family (something he himself has admitted was hard work on the weekend) but was to prioritise himself and his selfish needs to get brunch

and then the OP is called unreasonable for being upset with that

What a strange view you have.

Not all stag do's are men behaving badly, being rampant, seeing strippers and getting lap dances. Okay they may have a bit to drink and become a little loud but as long as they are not harming anyone what's the issue?

Its a chance for the men to get together and give him a send off before he gets wed. Its supposed to be a little loud and lairy. They are having fun, they are not all cheating on their partners/wives.

Fine, if you don't like that kind of thing, but don't assume they are all out behaving badly while the little woman stays home being naive while her partner cheats on her.

Many hen do's are just as loud and lairy and I have been on many and not once disrespected anyone or cheated on my DH who was home with the kids while I went.

Fine, have your view of stag do's, you are entitled to your own opinion, but claiming that the rest of us are stupid for 'letting' our men go on them is pretty shit.

"Refusing to speak" is the biggest issue in all of this. It's a ridiculously ineffective and childish way of dealing with any issue. It causes more problems than it solves.

Sorry you said he is away quite a bit. You’re probably run ragged if so, hence the unreasonable demanding he come home first thing. However, resentment is the thing that will break your marriage. Please find a way of addressing it (I wish I had!)

That is why it's important not to drip feed, but even so it does sound like at least part of the problem is completely.differnt personalities.

OP will worry over a tidy house, vegetables and baking, even on a weekend when she's on her own with DC, and DH will be more relaxed. One is not necessarily better than the other, just different.

It sounds like OP doesn't take more time away because she doesn't trust DH's parenting rather than because he won't facilitate it.

I'd she's jealous of "fun dad", maybe she should try it rather than making a rod for her back?

The truth is probably somewhere between the two.