Husband just walked in after stag weekend

[oxfordpower]

He left Friday lunchtime for a weekend around 3 hrs away. Young DC whom I’ve looked after all weekend doing swimming, play dates, party, nature walk, baking etc. We agreed husband would get up on Sunday and come straight back, and we realised he’d need to book a minicab to the train station as the stag do was in the middle of the countryside. I kept asking if he had booked the mini cab and he hadn’t but said he was aware.

Then this morning at 9 he texts he’s going for a shower and that he’s going for brunch at 11. I was like WTAF?! To brunch!

He said he couldn’t find any local cab companies able to come out earlier. I sent him some links and eventually he found one , so got picked up at 11 (skipped the brunch I presume) and finally arrived back home just now.

He asked how I was and I said cross. He is now refusing to speak as he said I’ve misunderstood his text messages but when I ask for clarity he says I’m not speaking now as I’m too cross to explain.

He’s now playing Xbox with DC who are allowed 2hrs on a Sunday afternoon. So I’ve done all the ferrying and hands on activities with them he gets to come home and chill out on the sofa playing Xbox and DC think fun Dad is back.

It feels like it's only a few hours difference. And he skipped the brunch at your request. That was clearly part of the stag do and not outrageous that guests might not pack up and leave as soon as they wake up.

Unless you were relying on him for childcare as you had plans to go out with mates etc what harm did it do him coming in then? And then playing with his children?

Youngest is 5

Young DC whom I’ve looked after all weekend doing swimming, play dates, party, nature walk, baking etc.

So I’ve done all the ferrying and hands on activities with them he gets to come home and chill out on the sofa playing Xbox and DC think fun Dad is back

I think this is what stands out here. Why are you making life so difficult for yourself, esspecially if you're going to begrudge it? Why didnt you play XBox instead of baking, if that's so.much more appealing for you all? As my Gran would have said, do you want a medal?

Huge generalisation here. I wouldn’t think twice about my husband going away on a stag do as he wouldn’t think twice about me going away on a hen do.

We are both independent people who have family and friends and we should be able to celebrate and have social lives without being told it’s wrong.

Just because you’re in a relationship or have children doesn’t mean that you’re never allowed to leave the house again, socialise or have fun.

I feel really sorry for you that this is how you live your life.

I’m married with two young children and I’m planning on going on a hen do for a long weekend in May. There will be alcohol and merriment.

Does this mean I’m not in a committed relationship and that my husband has low expectations? I shall let him know.

I just don’t see the problem of him being away on a stag do weekend. Your DC isn’t that young if they’re playing Xbox, and it’s just Friday to Sunday. Why create stress and expect and early get up and travel home. If you are due a break too (sounds like you are), then get a weekend booked in for yourself.

Yep. That’s the drip feed that moves the goalposts

What have stag dos and hen weekends got to do with marriage?
Absolutely nothing.
They are to do with an excuse for bad behaviour, excess and indulgence. They have absolutely nothing to do with two people exchanging solomn vows to commit their lives to each other.

The general vibe is that it is only fine IF you get the exact same.

you clearly don’t, if he is unable to look after his own children, so that is the huge problem that should have been included in your op.

I agree. You have only had the kids alone since Friday after-school until Sunday early afternoon and have fitted all that in?! Why? Swimming I'm assuming is already booked and the party is necessary as you have RSVP'd. The playdate could have been rearranged if necessary and the nature walk, the baking and the etc could definitely have been missed. Don't make things difficult for yourself.

"he was floored by it and said it was so hard looking after them all weekend"
But that's basically the same reason you gave him to come home early?

So either it's hard and tiring but you can both do it alone so the other gets some rest (and try not to moan too much and ruin the other's fun) or it's impossible and nether of you should do it.

It's not sarcastic at all.
He is supposed to be a married man in a committed relationship and his wife and children should take precedence over behaving like a single man with his pals.
If going off with his pals is more important to him than his wife and family he shouldn't have bothered getting married himself. He obviously didnt take his marriage vows very seriously.

Newsflash - human love a bit of indulgence and social time with friends, including food and alcohol and dancing and fun. We’re human; social animals and we need it.

Being a parent doesn’t change that nor should it stop it. He did nothing wrong. OP is wrong for not having her own fun nights away with friends, her husband will look after the kids, he has before. Doesn’t matter if he moans, he’ll get used to it. The issue is OP behaving like a martyr and then getting angry about someone doing something totally normal.

I strongly suspect being married to you is a very solemn affair, indeed. Involving water, dry biscuits and curtain twitching.

Oh don’t be so sanctimonious. Adults are allowed to have social lives away from their partners. Being in a committed relationship doesn’t mean you’re joined at the hip.
I can’t imagine anything more suffocating than a couple who don’t have individual lives as well as a joint one

But tbh by your choice of language I suspect you’re on a wind up anyway

YABU

Do you never have a weekend away yourself?

edit: if youngest is 5 that’s quite manageable - if youngest five months that might be a bigger consideration.

If I was away for a hen weekend, it would include the Sunday and I wouldn't be back on 'mum' duties until the Monday.
I think the real problem is that you don't get much time for yourself. Why not arrange a weekend away with your friends soon.

😂😂😂

You need to plan your own weekend away from the family op. Think it’s so important mothers do this and don’t become mummy martyrs.

We had a brilliant trip group of school mums sat - wed overseas every year. Was great. Also made a pact that no one facilitated the dads making food in advance etc. They were on their own. And guess what - they were all absolutely fine.

You need to go out/ get stuck into "you" stuff more regularly. What's sauce for the goose etc.

Fwiw i don't think youre at all unreasonable for being pissed off that he broke his word. I would find myself challenging promises he made in future "Really? Like when you were supposed ly coming back from that stag do first thing?" ... Which would of course be unhelpful from me.

So rather than being petty like that, now is the time to make it clear that a) you feel he isn't pulling his weight/you want to get away more yourself

And b) he let you down and broke his word, that's why he should apologise.. because otherwise you will find it harder to trust him in future

Not really the same. I’ve looked after Dc, they’ve had fun, been fed, eaten vegetables, got enough sleep and the house is relatively tidy. When DH had the weekend I came home to absolute carnage including pen on the wallpaper, house that looked like it had been burgled, a blocked toilet and DC disregulated from junk food and screen time.

Agreed. Some women love to pay the martyr especially so they have something to moan about to their husbands when they get home.

He sounds crap. I used to come back to a well ordered house. Actually DH was much better at getting them to do things for themselves than I was.

Brilliant 👏🏾😂😂

In this instance I think you are being unreasonable...for me a weekend away is a full weekend that includes the Sunday. O wouldn't expect dh to rush back and I wouldn't want to rush back either.

I think you are also unreasonable that you're annoyed he's playing Xbox with the kids...take some time to relax yourself and leave them to it