Husband just walked in after stag weekend

[oxfordpower]

He left Friday lunchtime for a weekend around 3 hrs away. Young DC whom I’ve looked after all weekend doing swimming, play dates, party, nature walk, baking etc. We agreed husband would get up on Sunday and come straight back, and we realised he’d need to book a minicab to the train station as the stag do was in the middle of the countryside. I kept asking if he had booked the mini cab and he hadn’t but said he was aware.

Then this morning at 9 he texts he’s going for a shower and that he’s going for brunch at 11. I was like WTAF?! To brunch!

He said he couldn’t find any local cab companies able to come out earlier. I sent him some links and eventually he found one , so got picked up at 11 (skipped the brunch I presume) and finally arrived back home just now.

He asked how I was and I said cross. He is now refusing to speak as he said I’ve misunderstood his text messages but when I ask for clarity he says I’m not speaking now as I’m too cross to explain.

He’s now playing Xbox with DC who are allowed 2hrs on a Sunday afternoon. So I’ve done all the ferrying and hands on activities with them he gets to come home and chill out on the sofa playing Xbox and DC think fun Dad is back.

I can’t fathom that this was so hard for you. Swimming then McDonald’s is hardly taxing unless you are hoiking them for miles walking to buses. The rest of it is pretty much the same. Why can’t he go away fora few days while you look after your school age children??? I suppose the question is why are you so tired and resentful that this seems such a big deal? Are you lonely? Jealous?

In reality though, sometimes plans change don’t they? I mean, there are definitely times that I’ve told my DH I’ll be back from a trip out with friends at a certain time then we’ve cracked open another bottle of wine, or we’ve decided to grab some dinner before coming home etc, and vice versa. We both just roll our eyes and crack on with our day.

FFS please Read The Full Thread or at least only her replies. He regularly takes off for days at a time and she has not had a day or weekend away herself since before the kids were born! This is clearly about a deeper problem of him coming and going when he wants to and her being tired having no help and no time to herself.

I’m getting the impression that your home life is very much controlled by you and your rigid regimes. Get off his back.

This is easily fixed OP. Book 2 nights away on your own at least once a year if not twice, and make him parent solo in that time.

Do not leave all the food sorted, the house clean, the washing done - which is the compromise some women also make in order to get this weekend off - just go, and leave your fully grown partner to sort this pretty basic stuff, because he’s an adult and he will cope just fine, despite his complaints.

I do this and absolutely refuse to compromise on it. I will never understand why some women martyr themselves in relationships this way, which ultimately allows that resentment to build.

Instead of expecting him to shrink his life to make you feel better, expand your own and grow to meet what you perceive to be his. You’ll both be better for it.

You're another one who needs to Read The Full Thread. Or at least only her replies. He regularly takes off for days at a time and she has not had a day or weekend away herself since before the kids were born! This is clearly about a deeper problem of him coming and going when he wants to and her being tired having no help and no time to herself.

I've read the whole thread, and OP's story has changed completely, several times, during the course of it.

I'm still of the opinion OP verges towards controlling, even if her DH is a bit useless too.

If you want them (anyone) to step up, you have to let them.

Her story has not changed at all. All she has done is add in more context.

He wants to live the bachelor lifestyle. He won't list to her, he won't communicate with her.

She went from a really tough weekend full of activities (self imposed) without mentioning the fact that the often away (very relevant).

To he's completely useless and they eat junk and do nothing when he's in charge.

To her own weekend included lots of downtime and junk food everyday.

A weekend without much home cooked food is hardly the end of the world

I wonder if OP had considered what I posted if she might have been able to draw her own conclusions. Do you really think you are helping her by policing the input of other posters? People post on MN for a variety of views not one posters take on their situation.

I’ve stated my opinion. Stop telling me what it should be.

Given how important a bit of background context is in situations like this, it's a mystery to me why more OPs can't manage to include it the first time.

If she'd led with 'Im sick of DH doing this to me, it's been three times in the last eight months and I never get a break to do anything for myself' the responses would have been entirely different.

My post was to the other poster who was being obtuse about what the thread was about, and focusing on how awful stag and hen dos are and why would anyone have one or go to one. Not what op was asking.

I would also imagine my dh having breakfast before coming home, but we would have discussed that before he went, and he wouldn't have just turned up at 3pm when I'd been home alone with our kids for a whole weekend

Probably to keep a nagging wife off his back!

What a ridiculous demand!

I think you are both being a bit unreasonable. If that’s what was agreed beforehand he should stick to it but I personally wouldn’t have asked him to come back ASAP on the Sunday. If he could be home and not hungover for bedtime and then I would have left him to it and relaxed. But if the other way round he would tell me not to rush back and enjoy the time with my friends.

I appreciate that you said he thought it was hard work him having them by himself when you had a weekend away and the junk food, blocked toilets etc but honestly don’t let that stop you getting your own time away also him doing it more than once would help him manage it better int he future.

When my twins were little there would be times one of us had to parent by themself. My husband was more than capable (probably better than me) but that’s because he did it just as often as me so felt confident and not overwhelmed.

This. With bells on.

He's oblivious right now as to how he has f*cked up and to some extent that's on you. Make your expectations clear.

There's another similar thread on here this morning and the OP went out for a sport event, came back in the evening injured to find her DH waiting on her to source the food and cook the family dinner. She made the valid point that when he goes out, he comes back and everything is just sorted.

For some people, especially men you just have to start spelling it out. You shouldn't have to obviously but needs must, divorce is expensive and a manslaughter trial would be more stressful than the occasional FFS run the hoover around would you?

Personally I'd start with, I'm sorry I was grumpy yesterday. It had been a long weekend with just me and the kids and I was looking forward to you coming home and having a break with another adult in the house. I then became truly furious when you came home late and could then be fun Dad when I'd sorted lunch, done the laundry so everything was ready for school and work on Monday and tidied the house. I've realised that you're not a mind reader and a break for me is well overdue if our marriage is going to survive. I haven't had a weekend off on a solo basis in X years. I've booked a weekend away on date X just for me.
To be quite clear, I do expect to come back to a clean and ordered house where the kids haven't eaten chicken nuggets and sugar all weekend and not gone to bed at a sensible hour.

This expectation that it must be two parents available every weekend, god help some of you if you ever become widowed or divorced.
OP you can choose to make time for yourself, being a mum doesn’t mean being a martyr to your kids, before you know it they’re up and independent and you’ve no life as you’ve gave all your time to them, you don’t need to be tied to them 24/7 to be a good mum or dad.
If this was a man posting he told his wife to cut short her weekend as he couldn’t cope with the kids he’d be tore to shreds.

Seriously? You sound like a nightmare tbh. Why are you putting a time limit on his weekend? And someone else’s stag do? If I was the stag, i’d be furious with you for putting pressure on one of my friends to go home. I wouldnt talk to you either!

You realise not all stag dos are opportunities to womanise? And we women also go on hen dos?

It always makes me 🙄 when people have kids and then resent the fact they have to look after them 🙈😂 they’re your children that’s what you’re meant to do!!

You sound really bitter that your dh has had a weekend away 🤷‍♀️

You need to stop with the resentment and start planning a girls wend away and one where you can definitely stay for brunch 😉

He should have come home when he said he would. Or at least called and said 'How are you, how are the kids, would you be ok for me to go brunch and be back a bit later than I said?'
But if you feel like he generally dumps you with the kids then that's a wider discussion. You might want to book yourself a weekend away if you feel you need a break.

You sound like a barrel of laughs 😂

I think it was a bit unreasonable to expect him to come home before the stag do finished BUT it's clear that you feel let down and put upon generally in the marriage. When you have both calmed down a bit, you do need to sit down and tell him how you feel. He knows how hard it is to do everything over a weekend so he needs to step up and give you a break. Resentment has clearly set in and that will eventually damage your marriage beyond repair if you don't sort it out now.

So basically you have no respect for the majority of the male population?

Are you British? Wondering if this is a cultural thing, as your views would be very much in the minority amongst Brits.