Dilemma - son moving out due to partner

[user1492635465]

Hi, I’m in such a rubbish situation and could do with some advice.
I’ve been alone with my son for 5 years, he’s now almost 23. My partner moved in with us in October last year, son initially unhappy with him moving in but accepted it

two weeks ago we had an argument, our first and wasn’t a big argument, no shouting, wasn’t heated

now son is saying he hates parter and doesn’t want him at home and if he stays, son will move out.
I desperately don’t want my son to leave but I also feel I need to make choices for me now and I want my partner at home

advice, thoughts, opinions welcomed

Why did you let a man move in if your son was unhappy about it?

Because my son was 22 and had no reason to object to him moving in other than ‘he likes it being just us’

How long have you been with your partner?

Your son is an adult now, you are entitled to have a life of your own choosing. So in that sense I wouldn’t bow to ultimatums of “him or me”.
But what are the reasons your son doesn’t like your partner? Are they valid concerns that you should consider? Is partner taking advantage of you in any way?

Known him for 5 years, together for 2

Thank you, that’s my feelings. I accept he doesn’t want partner in the home but it’s my home, and son has been talking about wanting to move out and be ‘independent’ for the last two years

no genuine reasons, partner is practically perfect, doesn’t take advantage of me in any way. He just doesn’t like him despite partner making a real effort to get to know him, include him in things and spend time with him, and I genuinely think he just wants me to himself

Because my son was 22 and had no reason to object to him moving in other than ‘he likes it being just us’

Tell him your partner will move out as long as he promises never to have a girlfriend/boyfriend so that it's 'just us'.

Seriously if that's his only reason then I think you're allowed to choose your partner. At 23 DS will at some point want his own life away from you, I don't think you should have to give up a relationship you're happy in. If he was a young child that would be different but he's not. Does he feel your partner has usurped his role as man of the house?

Thank you and yes, I think that’s exactly it. Lots of comments initially when partner would make me a coffee before work along the lines of ‘that’s my job you’ve taken’

I think he’d quite happily just have me all to himself if he could

He's jealous. Have a chat with your son. Don't give up your boyfriend because your son is jealous. Tell him you want him to stay. You're entitled to your own life.

I’m not sure I would have let him move in if your son hates him. It wasn’t starting off well. Your son does sound jealous and controlling. Had he witnessed that kind of male behaviour before? Personally I think 2years is quite quick to move in. Perhaps it would have been better to move out together into your own place once son had found somewhere too?

It sounds as if your son loves you and is jealous of you moving on from him? The comment about your partner taking his job away by making you coffee is a bit odd.

It’s not healthy him wanting you ‘all to himself’, either.

Does your son have his own friends? Girlfriend? Does he have a job and a life outside your home?

I’d tell him that you love him very much but that you also love your partner, that he’s an adult and he can move out if he wants to, but that you are also entitled to your own life.

Personally, and I know it’s going against the thoughts of others, but I wouldn’t have moved DP in and if anyone was moving out it would be DP. No need to come at me, it’s just my opinion.

Your son needs to grow up. He sounds like an abusive partner. If your actual DP was behaving like this people would, quite rightly, be screaming LTB. The only person who needs to leave is your son. You’re entitled to your own life and happiness, don’t let him stifle that.

Maybe because her son is a grown adult not a child?

Don’t agree with the ultimatum and the line about not having a girlfriend (gently delivered) may be useful
what happened with dad? This makes a big difference to his emotions responses. You’ve been alone with your son for 5 years and known your partner the same time; is it connected?

Your son's thought process sounds a little creepy to me to he honest.
You say it has been just you two for the last five years so he was already 18 before he 'got you all to himself'! It isn't like you were on your own with him since he was a little tot, the man was already an adult.
At 23 he should be out making a life for himself, not arguing with another man about who can make you a coffee in the morning!

Couldn’t you have waited a few more years until your son was ready to move out of his parents home of his own accord? It seems very selfish to force someone, adult or child, to have someone move into their home against their will just so that you get to have your boyfriend around more often.

Just remember that when you need your son in future, you chose your partner over him, He is unlikely to ever forget it

Some of these responses are depressing
When is a woman allowed to start enjoying her life fully when she has adult children? 23 is relatively old to be still living at home. Or at least, living at home with the expectation of being treated like they’re still a child. and reliably old to tell the OP she should do all in her power to keep him at home. Surely he’d move out eventually

And 2 years is not too soon to live together. As for OP moving out and ensuring everyone has new homes to live - what are you on?

How long do you put your life on hold for an adult child?

Apparently we must ALWAYS sacrifice ourselves at the altar of petulant adult children

Then again finding a new partner on MN is akin to strangling kittens, even when their kids are adults

I wouldn't either, but mainly because I wouldn't want to live with the drama. I think OPs son should have his own independent adult life by now but he doesn't and OP has said she is desperate for her son not to move out, so based on that it was a mistake letting the partner move in.

what an unpleasant post

You don't say why you're alone with your son for the last 5 years and where his dad is in all this. I'd have a lot more sympathy for sons POV if his Dad died or if he left due to domestic abuse.

How long should the OP have waited?

He's not being forced to move out, he's choosing to issue an ultimatum and threatening to leave if it doesn't go his own way. He's 23, it's time to stand on his own 2 feet.

Eww at all the "mommies" on here who would actually put their love lives on hold for a 23 year old son 😂
And then we wonder why all the women on MN are struggling with coddled, selfish man babies.

Time for your son to grow up and make his own way in the world, hes already 5 years behind schedule