Are we leaving it too late to get married and have kids? We’re both 33!

[Benny91]

So me and my partner have recently bought a house together, however we’ve not got engaged yet and neither haven’t started trying for kids yet! Are we leaving it too late? We’ve been together 9 years! Although in that time we’ve been on holidays together and have been saving for a house whilst living in a flat.

If you really want children, don't put it off. Have a quick wedding if you want the legal protections and then crack on.

I got pregnant at 36, which sounds fine, but perimenopause hit straight after (and surprisingly early for me). It is hard to manage this with a toddler. Not saying that is everyone's experience but my friends who also had children later in life have said they wished they had kids earlier due to a decline in their health after having kids dur to being older. I am also not able to have a second child.

Another friend put off having kids for a bit, but it took her many years to conceive.

These are anecdotes but the key point is that fertility is unpredictable so if you want something then act on it now.

You sound very angry.Scream?

My friend and I were just chatting the other night about how we wish we'd started our families a bit earlier - like in our early 30s rather than late 30s. Everything's fine, we both had 2 healthy children who are now grown up and doing well ... but still that feeling that being 5 years younger parents would have been somehow better!

You could be fine or you could be not - none of us can really say

what I will say is that I was infertile by age 36 after 2 ruptured ectopic pregnancies - then too “old” for IVF on the NHS and had to spend £40k having children

there is a reason why the NHS has an age limit on fertility treatment because there is a biological reality of age vs fertility success rates

you’ve had nearly a decade !!! Doesn’t take that long to save a house deposit or take a few holidays

You sound on a similar timeline to me - met DH at 26, bought a house at 34, had kids at 36 and 39. You have time!

Op, you have had nine years together and are asking about marriage and weddings at 33
I find it strange that you would wait that long when you were fortunate to meet each other so early
My honest opinion is that you should try for children immediately and as another poster said, have a small wedding

If you really want kids but not immediately then you need to go get your fertility tested at the very least now. If neither of you are particularly fussed either way then crack on as you are and see where life takes you.

If you want kids start trying. I got married at 32 started TCC, tried for ten years, after huge fertility journey I’m childless. If you have issues getting pregnant the fertility testing takes time and your eggs are deteriorating. You might be fine as many people have kids in late thirties, but also many find it much more difficult. It didn’t happen for us.

Obviously the later you leave it the chances jncrease that you will have issues. As someone who had children in her twenties and then had another in my late thirties I found it so much harder being older and having less energy/ less time/ more stress.
Have you spoke about it? Made a plan? I’d be concerned if I’d been with someone a decade and there was no plan.

Book a simple wedding/registry office (if that’s what you want) and start ttc asap.

Don't think you have forever. You have a much higher risks of having a disabled child in your 40s. All of my siblings and many of my friends tried in their 40s and found they needed IVF. DSis finally had an IVF baby at 50! She's ow got a very young child when she should be enjoying her later life. I had mine at 21 and Im now enjoying my 60s child free, good career and paid off mortgage etc.
Don't wait.
Im currently watching my boss having failed IVF in her 40s and distraught every time it fails.
33 is still young but I wouldn't hang about if I was you.

I was with my partner for 12 years before we had a child. It was a combination of waiting until we/I were far enough in our careers that we could afford it, waiting until we had a house with a spare room, wanting to enjoy each others company and tbh the number one reason I waited was I was scared.
I enjoyed our life with nice holidays and I had a minimal support network. The idea of doing this huge thing as having a child with only my partner to support was terrifying.
So yes due to age and finances we've only had one and we're fairly old parents, but I don't think I regret it. It's a very daunting thing to do, so if it took me 10 years to feel ready that's just life

How do you know she’ll be fine?

You could get married next month if you wanted to. Just book it with the town hall. People seem to think you need a drone proposal, 18 months, a stately home and 250 people but you don’t. Just two people, 2 witnesses and a small payment.

Many people will reply saying they had their first at 34 + etc. But they do not reflect what will happen for you. It is fact that fertility starts declining in your 30s and becomes more difficult the older you get. If you want children then start trying now because you may not be as lucky as the people posting here saying it all worked out for them.

Exactly what I did. I didn't want to waste money on a massive wedding. I wanted to spend it on my house.

Yeh I kind of agree. You seem to have had plenty of time? I met DP at 22. I was pretty certain I didnt want any kids and he already had 2 so was happy either way. I had DD at 29 and definitely wish I’d had a couple of years earlier. If these things were important to both of you then you would have cracked on by now.

First at 32, second 34. Wish I'd started earlier because I absolutely love it. Wish I had time to have 6, but looks like I'll manage another 1 or 2 before time's up...

I didn't know I was going to feel this way before I had my first. Such a high, such love...

can you afford it?
do you want children?

Well as with everything in life, you are ahead of some, behind of some.
You've found a life partner and bought a house, big ticks.
You've likely fertile years to have a baby.

I think most people are doing this nowadays, some waiting until they’re 40. My concern would be leaving it past 35 when fertility does take a bit of a nosedive and IVF is less effective. I think it gets worse again after 37/38. It’s fine for many people, they get pregnant with little issues but not everyone and you don’t know how it’ll be for you until you try.

Given the fact you’ve been together almost a decade, I’d seriously just crack on with it.

Also OP look at your mother and grandmother perhaps - obviously not totally accurate but my friend is 36 and not at all in a rush as generations before her have had babies into their 40s….. makes me twitch but she’s reassured!

Ditto. We had one child by choice when I was about to turn 40. We weren’t interested earlier.

@SalmonOnFinnCrisp, maybe express your extreme level of anger to your actual friend, rather than exploding on internet strangers? Or have therapy.

I started ttc at 36, took a year, never managed a second child, secondary infertility. I would recommend starting ttc around 34

Why are people saying she will be fine to wait, you have no way of knowing that. Fertility starts declining around age 30 and significantly declines at 35 that is a scientific fact.