Are we leaving it too late to get married and have kids? We’re both 33!

[Benny91]

So me and my partner have recently bought a house together, however we’ve not got engaged yet and neither haven’t started trying for kids yet! Are we leaving it too late? We’ve been together 9 years! Although in that time we’ve been on holidays together and have been saving for a house whilst living in a flat.

Met my DH at 22
Started trying at 32 and had a miscarriage
Had my first DS at 33 and second at 36
Turns out I get pregnant very easily. I realise this makes me very lucky.

To echo other people.. If you want kids start now. Met my husband when I was 32, started trying for a kid at 34, married at 35. It's been nearly 3 years of trying and years of IVF. Still no successful pregnancy. We always say we wish we'd met each other sooner.

Personally I had children in my mid 20’s very easily conceived , decided I’d like another at 35 so started ttc again thinking I had my first two so easily I’d have no issue, it was unsuccessful, I never got pregnant again.
You just don’t know what will happen, you could easily conceive in your mid thirties and early forties, you could struggle.
You've been together a long time, what is the benefit to waiting vs ttc now, you need to decide what your life priorities are and base your decision on those.

Does it work like that? I hope so! My mum had babies at 32, 34 and 39. MIL had babies at 33 and 36. I have a lot of anxiety about it being difficult for be to get pregnant (33) so I would be delighted if there was a genetic link!

I’m the same age as you and I don’t think it’s too late! Though I would say to get fertility tests done to see where you’re at. One of my friends is getting IVF after trying for more than 2 years and another planned to start TTC in a few years but was told to start now as her AMH is so low.

It's not all about whether you can conceive it's also about how bloody knackered you are as you get older. I had dc1 at 30, was tiring but ok, dc2 at 35. Bloody hell it was so tiring. I'm still tired at 42 by the whole baby experience. I'd hate to have a baby later. I know some people are 52 living their best newborn days but it's not for me!

I think plenty of people assume up until 40 is "easy" to have children. It is fairly common for parents to be older now which normalises it.

I married at that age and had 3 kids before I was 40. It was pretty crazy but doable and great for them to be close in age.

@Benny91

As has been said, you have had almost a decade together to have got married, and you could have started 'trying for a baby' several years ago. But you are where you are now, and no, it's not too late!!! If you'd been 5 years older I'd say 'oooh, better crack on lass!' But 33 is still quite young-ish!

You could get married this year, it doesn't have to be a big fancy expensive wedding. Then start 'trying for a baby' shortly after. You could well have a baby before you're 35. (Not sure if you're just 33 sorry, or if you're 34 say, next month!)

You will get a bunch of posters on here saying every women they know in their 'social circle' had their first at 42-44, but that is not an age I would want to be having my first, and no-one I know had their first that late. And I know many middle class people and professional people (and some upper class.) Most had/did have their first baby by 34-35.

Good luck, but of course you're not too old.

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If you want DC start trying now. It might take many years, you just don’t know. Also, as a somewhat older mum myself I can tell you it’s knackering! Younger woman energy would have definitely helped.

We started trying at 31. Had first at 33 and second at 36. I'd crack on as you don't know whether it'll be easy or hard to pop them out

Depends what your personal views are really.

I said from the start of our relationship that I didn’t want any kids any older than 35. And stuck to it.

This

I met my DH later in life, unfortunately. Got pregnant really easily at 36 (started trying on the honeymoon) but miscarried. Wrongly assumed I'd get pregnant easily again - I was 40 by the time we succeeded. I'd have loved another but it didn't happen.

I could give you a long list of people who started trying at a similar age to me and had years of failure followed by ivf. It's miserable.

If you definitely want children I would get cracking and not gamble on being one of the lucky ones who conceives easily in your late 30s.

I'd say it's a standard age but like others say, your fertility will be declining now.

If you've been together all these years and you've bought a house together you can presumably discuss marriage as " So shall we announce our engagement and tell everyone the date we're getting married'. You've moved way beyond passively waiting for him to decide to propose to you at some vague point in the future. You also need to sit down together and work out the finances of a baby. What maternity leave can you afford, are you pooling all your finances , how much leave can/ will he take. Don't leave these conversations until you're pregnant and don't get pregnant until you're legally married

This. Had my first 2 when I was 27 and 28. Divorced soon after. Met second husband years later and tried to have a baby at 38. No baby. If you want children then get married this April and start trying.

Just from a different angle also…most of the posts here are about ability to conceive…

I had my kids at 32 and 35. I was very lucky to be a very healthy person beforehand and I conceived very easily both times.

But having kids has absolutely fucked not just my mental health (extreme sleep deprivation) but my physical health. So on reflection, i’m glad i didn’t have kids any later as i am now having to use my late 30s to try and rebuild my health before going into my 40s.

@BatchCookBabe Im (according to DS) the youngest mum in his class (was 28 when he was born) but even then most of the other mums were mid 30s when they had their DC1, and late 30s/early 40s if it was DC2.

I met DH young (20) and married young (26) and so did a few other friends but it was partly religious/cultural so felt normal to me.

This is a hugely good point. A friend had a baby aged 42 and then a second ( ivf in Spain , donor eggs) born when she was 50. She's obviously a hugely extreme example but she freely admits that it totally destroyed her body ( the older you get the less your skin/ breasts/ tummy will recover something like its previous state.)They are still married but haven't had sex for 9 years. She looks absolutely knackered. I'm a granny of 2 af 60. She's also 60 and still at the school gate picking up a child in Yr 6. She's still got all the seckndary/ 6th form / university, apprenticeships stuff to do.

I would say no. It’s not too late.

my DH and I have been together 11 years. Only got married last year. Had a baby this year. (I am over 35)

edit to say - you can’t turn back the clock. But if you still want these things, they are within your reach, still.
there will always be people that say it’s a massive negative to be older when you do these things, but your options are do, or don’t and just enjoy yourselves, each others company and your life.

You’ve got plenty of time but at 33 I’d prioritise trying for a baby over planning a wedding.
Planning a wedding/the cost of one will set you back significantly.
I’m pregnant with number 3 and this is our last and we like the idea of eloping with our little family completed (we’re unmarried).

Didn’t meet my DH until I was 30, we married when I was 34 and were about to welcome our first baby just before I turn 36.

There’s no set time line to follow, you have to do what works for you.

You have plenty of time.

I think maybe you are. Especially if you know you want children plural rather than just one child.

DH and I had our first when I was 33 (conceived age 32). No fertility issues whatsoever.

We started trying for a second when DS was 2. Two miscarriages later (one very unpleasant and drawn out) and DD was born a month before I turned 37, when DS was just over 3y.

We did some fertility testing when we were having difficulties TTC and my AMH (measure of ovarian reserve) was extremely low.

It's turned out well in the end for us and I am so so grateful for my two lovely children, but we very nearly left it too late. I found the miscarriages very hard and it was a very hard year that impacted my ability to enjoy spending time together as a family and strained my relationship with DH.

You might be lucky and not have the issues we have had, but why load the odds against you any further if you don't have to?

I don’t think it necessarily works like that. Or if it does it doesn’t mean it will be easy or straightforward. My mum had me at 36 and my two grandmothers had their last child in their 40’s. You could technically say I was successful at an older age (eggs were 39 I gave birth at 40) but that was after years of miscarriages and IVF.

I got married at 34. Have one DD through IVF. Not too late at all but if you want to have kids, I’d get moving on it! I only say that because I never anticipated a problem but it turned out I had very few eggs left. I’m sure others have much more positive stories and I wish you all the best x