Are we leaving it too late to get married and have kids? We’re both 33!

[Benny91]

So me and my partner have recently bought a house together, however we’ve not got engaged yet and neither haven’t started trying for kids yet! Are we leaving it too late? We’ve been together 9 years! Although in that time we’ve been on holidays together and have been saving for a house whilst living in a flat.

Absolutely not!! I had my DD at 33, most of my friends are now just having their first in their late thirties and some mums I know had their seconds early forties.

Older mother is definitely more hard work.
I had 2 in my early 20s - one early 30s one late 30s.
I really noticed a difference with dc3 - and my God by dc4 it's really been hard for Various reasons.

I met my partner when we were teenagers but we only started ttc when I was 33. It was for a few different reasons that were legitimate and sensible and also private. I didn’t talk about them with anyone. Not close friends or family. One was that I was on a medication which was incompatible with pregnancy but coming off it meant a high risk of relapse.
You really wouldn’t know what someone else’s reasons are no matter how close you are. Sometimes people just don’t feel ready in themselves and that’s an also legitimate reason not to start trying.

Not too late but I would get on with it!

I think some couples who meet young get used to thinking they have all the time in the world and don’t really notice the years slipping away. Whereas if you meet a bit later you’re more aware of being older and in a different era of your life. I know a few couples who met in their early twenties but didn’t get married until their mid-thirties and then sadly had fertility issues and never had kids.

I met my husband at 28, got married at 33 and then when we struggled with infertility and didn’t have a child til I was 40! It took over 6 years.

So if you do want a family the time is now.

Don’t leave it too long I’d say. We waited until we’d organised a wedding. Started trying at 35. Had miscarriages then eventually a dc when I was 38. I felt old and tired throughout the early years. I can’t retire early as we’re still paying uni costs at 58 for several more years.

Are you sure their fertility issues are due to age alone? 36 is still young enough to have a baby.

Not too late at all. But what’s the plan? Presumably after 9 years together and buying a house you’ve got one? I’d not mess about - get hitched and get going with trying to conceive, it’s definitely a steep downwards slope for your fertility from hereon in.

You don't know until you try.

Some get pregnant super easily into their 40s. Some struggle in their 20s.

You could get engaged next year at 34, married at 35 then spend over a year trying before being shoved on the waiting list for tests and investigations and having IVF to try have even 1 child at 40. You could do the same and fall pregnant on your honeymoon.

How much do you want kids and how many? Because it does get harder and more risky the older you get. So if you want 1 but if it doesn't happen you're OK with that then you have time. If you want 3 desperately then you've potentially left it too late unless you want very small age gaps.

In my friendship group all my friends (now 37-40) seem to have suddenly started to have children. So you likely aren't too late. Technically we lose most of our eggs before we even enter puberty (as a counterbalance to the women have lost X many eggs by the age of 30 stats)

If you are in your late 30s/40s and don't want children it's best to assume you can definitely get pregnant. If you are in your early 30s and do want children it's best to assume you might not be able to get pregnant in your forties and therefore start TTC sooner rather than later.

You are still fairly young, you have a house and presumably want to be together. I would say this is the ideal time to get married and start trying for children if you want children. I definitely think it's better to be married first. Otherwise you can be left holding the baby having lost your career. But does he want to get married and have children? Thirties isn't to old, but it's definitely the age at which you you both need to make a joint decision about the next few years. He needs to be honest/willing to commit to a decision too.

No it wasnt due to age alone. They ended up doing IUI.

My point is they left it late and they regret it.
I left it late and it worked out.

I’m also 33 and I’m having my coil out next month. I met DH at university but we just haven’t been ready until recently and really even now we would like to buy a bigger house first but I suddenly feel I’m getting too old to keep waiting for optimum conditions.

19-22 we were at university

23-27 I was establishing my career - now DH tbh was fannying around a bit doing a masters and then taking a year out to do odd jobs and finally then start a PhD. We were renting a small flat.
COVID
28 - we bought our house but it needed work and we weren’t 100% on whether we wanted kids anyway
29 - engaged and I never wanted to be pregnant or have children at my wedding
31 - got married
32 - actually sat down and agreed we wanted to have a baby soonish

Both now in reasonable careers (although DH going through restructure). We go to the point where we realised if we keep waiting for things to be perfect it will be too late - so we’re going for it (and we’re still going to try and get a bigger house lol)

The issue isn't necessarily age. Your age is fine if it's what you both want to prioritise. The issue is - if you've been together 9 years, why haven't you yet? Because the reason for that (e.g. saving for a house deposit before you save for a wedding, before you save for maternity leave and a baby, for instance) may mean you don't have enough time really.

What are you waiting for in terms of change to 'be ready'?

If you want a big wedding by the time you get engaged and book it you'll probably be 35.

Even without fertility issues up to a year after coming off long term contraception is normal.

You just need to decide which of these things matters most to you. If you want multiple children then don't hold out for a perfect wedding venue on a Saturday in summer (following an intricate proposal).

Just decide you are doing it and book it ASAP. Perhaps come off contraception.

You are still young enough but if you don't take action you could easily find opportunities for children slipping away. The trouble is there's no way of knowing.

Some women have no trouble at 40. Others see their fertility drop off cliff at 35. Statistics say your chances of a pregnancy within a year of trying at 35 drop to 66%.

In your circumstances I would say yes. Just do it. 9 years! Why the hell not. Had you only just met, yes 33 is fine to not have thought of babies yet. You don’t have to be married, there’s no timeline on that. 9 years and a house will do for now (I do think ultimately you should get married though).

Although I come from a ‘never a perfect time’ perspective… life goes on once you’ve had a baby. You don’t stagnate.
I had DS1 and 7 weeks later we moved to a new county so didn’t know anyone (thinking ‘village’/parenting pals-wise). 5 years later we moved again, with a second kid in tow, then had another kid and did a huge extension. Nothing is ever perfect. All good!

Why not start? We met at 23, Married just after I turned 26, bought house, coil out at 30, babies at 32 and 34 (two losses before first baby). Now 39 and glad they are at school, friends who waited (including one couple who were together at our wedding but started trying at 38, a little older than me) now struggling and ultimately we got pregnant without help and straightforward pregnancies and births.

Get married and start trying for a family. You’re not too late but you will be soon.

I think get on with it too- you need as much energy as you can with young kids and you don’t want to be too old and decrepit when they finally move out and you get your life and your space back!!

My mum met my step dad at 30 and they still managed to have 3 kids in the next 6 years 😳

But if you both want them, crack on. You've got the house, and tbh a marriage does not have to be expensive (weddings on the other hand can be...) so I'd also get that moving along also.

We were together for nearly 20 years before we had a child.

I hardly know of anyone who had a child before their mid 30’s.

It wasn’t even on our radar at 33 but do appreciate that things won’t always work out as you hope as you get older.

You don’t need to follow a strict life plan. We paid off our mortgage and built careers to senior levels before we had DS. Although we’re older parents we find it a lot easier than many who are younger who are still constrained by huge mortgages and work commitments.

I'd crack on Op. Realistically even if you started trying to conceive now you'd be 35 by time you had your first so if you wanted more than one child you'd be having the second when you are 37ish. And every year you get older the more tricky conceiving and pregnancy becomes!

Yeah now you’re in your 30s if you want kids I’d say better sooner rather than later. We had them later. Luckily no problems conceiving but we are exhausted now especially with dc2 and busy careers

You'll be fine...I'm 36 getting married in June baby making thereafter!

Congratulations 🎉 and ....enjoy 😉😝

We left it late as we were really focusing on our careers and it was no problem when the dc were young but it’s quite demanding having teens when you are older, in terms of energy and finances. Of course we feel lucky to have had two healthy dc but we wish we had started a bit earlier. But earlier for us would have been around 35 so I’m sure you’ll be fine op!