How would you feel and what would you do, if you found out your partner had a secret savings account of 35k

[Stuckinthemiddlewithyouuhoh]

So it’s not me, it’s my dad found this out about my mum

I would not do anything. If they had saved it up themselves then good luck to them.

she said it’s just savings since stopping smoking
he’s upset it such a large amount in secret

No mum saved it
dad just found out
he didn’t know

I’d think good for her. What are you thinking is problematic?

I mean, putting it to the perspective I’d be angry to find out my partner had 35k in debt…savings not so much!

Has it affect their standard of living? In their position, if we had been scrimping on things as 'we didn't have the money'. I would be a bit miffed. If our lifestyle was unchanged, and it was literally money saved from not buying cigarettes, I would think anything of it. But like to think, it would be used for joint benefit at times.

Depends on our overall lifestyle...if we'd been struggling for money to to pay everyday expenses, I'd be mightily pissed off.

I'm surprised by the responses so far I think most people would be pretty upset to find their partner was hiding such a significant sum of money. Let's be honest no one saves up 35k by simply giving up smoking.

If I was putting all my spare money into joint savings for joint goals I’d be a bit annoyed that my partner had decided keep it to themselves, instead of towards those same shared goals.

You're leaving too much out.
What has your mum said it was for?
How comfortably do they live?
are there insolvency/abuse/addiction issues?

Depends on the circumstances. If she's the breadwinner and he's in debt paying for kids' food, then he could reasonably be hacked off. If they're high earners and it's pocket change, then who cares.

Depends on the way you manage finances - DH and I have our own accounts and also a joint account. I neither know nor care how much he has in his own account, but if he had been taking money out the joint account to squirrel it away, this is him basically stealing family money.

Depends

if a woman, good on her she needs it

if a man, how dare he keep family money to himself

This!

Surely £35k in credit is a good thing.

Has your dad had to skip meals or anything?

It’s a lot of cigarettes, isn’t it?

Well- on MN posters are always recommending that women have a 'running away fund'. Particularly if those women have been at the mercy of a husband or partner who controls finances.

If that's the situation then bloody good on her tbh.

For me it would depend on their financial circumstances and if they were married.

If that’s the situation then I’d agree.

It depends on their relationship doesn't it?

I think if it is normally a happy and open relationship without secrets then he is entitled to feel hurt that this was kept a secret from him.

But if there are issues in the relationship and your Mum felt she needed a secret escape fund or had grounds for thinking your dad would try and take control of the money then she would have good reason for keeping it secret and possibly grounds for concern he now knows about the money

Oh- and one of my aunts gave up drinking. She saved circa £6 k a year. However, this was something my uncle told her to save for her own good fun and adventures. She bought jewellery the fiurst year and from them on took her family on a holiday annually with the money she had saved from literally pissing it down the drain.

I think I want to hear the OP's mother's story tbh.

It depends.

How are their finances agreed.
If the household outgoings were being paid as a % of each income and personal sepnding was agreed she is just deciding to save.

If its a situation where they have not discussed finances and how things are being divided thats as much his fault for not talking.

If she was actively lying and hiding money while he is forced to carry extra unagreed outgoings so that she could build up her savings then that is financial abuse.

How did your dad find out about it @Stuckinthemiddlewithyouuhoh ?

How is your mum, now that he knows about it?

Well I think the "it's just savings since stopping smoking" thing is obviously a fib. Maybe your dad is upset that he's being lied to rather than being upset about the savings.

When did your mother give up smoking?

My late DH and I always shared our finances and were open about our lives. So I would be pretty taken aback to find he had, what would be to us, a very large sum of money I knew nothing about. In my world this would have been unthinkable but it depends on the relationship and past history. This could be the woman's escape fund and the dad could be a total control freak.

depends on when she stopped and how much fags cost (ive no idea) if fags cost say a tenner a day thats £300 approx per month. that would be nearly ten years worth of savings. so if £20 a day it’s five years of savings.

many men have an expensive hobby such as golf or cycling or health and rackets club football membership and away games etc so he maybe spent his money on that while she saved?

more info reqd op.