How would you feel and what would you do, if you found out your partner had a secret savings account of 35k

[Stuckinthemiddlewithyouuhoh]

So it’s not me, it’s my dad found this out about my mum

Women disproportionately bear the costs of giving birth and bringing children up both in terms of time, career progression and finances all the way through pensions. Women requiring a FOF is insurance, not victimhood.

She might be glad to be heard.

I wouldn't probe too much but try and ask questions that will give her the chance to expand if she wants to. For example, you could say something along the lines of what you did at playtime in primary school and ask her what her primary school was like. See where that leads.

And keep it casual. Don't set up a specific time and place or whatever, just if you're walking the dog or heading to the shops, when it's just you and her. Don't be in a rush, this is going to be unsettling for all of you for a while

Woman = good
Man = bad

That’s all you need to know on here.

I would feel exactly the same if the roles were reversed. It’s really difficult to quit smoking and if her husband carried on smoking around her it would have been much harder. So whoever gave up deserves to keep the money they saved.

Why is it if a woman does this it's ok, but if a man does it, it's almost certainly going to be called out as financial abuse. In divorce cases people hunt round for the secret accounts a men has created. I get why a woman would do it in an abusive marriage....a secret fund to.make an escape....perfectly fair, but just generally ?

I'd be annoyed if we had been struggling for money or our children had to go worhout and I found out that dh had that much saved.

However my mum was left a widow at 31 with 2 very small children and really struggled for money and she has told me to have a secret savings... just incase.

I do have a few grand saved that dh doesn't know the exact amount but its no where the amount your mum has.

Where has she got such a huge sum of money from?

I'd be suspicious and ask her outright.
Is she on that OnlyFannies site?

If the fathers ‘not that happy’, about this amount of (secret) savings, maybe that’s why the Mum needed it.
It’s not a lot really, just get a new car really?

Woman = good
Man = bad
That’s all you need to know on here.
There is a bit more to it than that. Its already been explained in previous posts.

Many women keep an emergency fund aside in case anything goes wrong in the relationship or if their spouse is a spender or has an addiction of some kind. I would be surprised myself if the shoe was on the other foot but at least it's extra money and not less

No she won't change but you may get a better understanding of why she is so down on other women generally and consequently so distrustful. Your DF must be gobsmacked.

No, not at all. If he’d given up smoking and managed to save instead, good for him.

If both partners work, earn around the same and equally share the costs of running a household etc I don't think it's an issue if one has savings the other doesn't know about. I don't announce to DP what accounts I have where, not that they are secret as such but why would it come up?

This is a situation where I am happy to come across as sexist. I think a lot of woman are very wise to have a secret stash of money. Historically, men often desert women when the children are young and home life gets a bit like hard work, or when women are beginning to age physically. This can leave women stranded at vulnerable times of life. Women are also more likely to have a smaller pension pot (or none) and to have had their career progression halted due to time off to raise families. Women are also far more likely to be on the receiving end of physical, sexual or financial abuse, and may need to access that money for an escape route. So if I heard a woman had a secret stash I'd think: good on you. Wise woman.

Whereas if a man had a secret stash, I'd think he was a 'The Money is Mine' type and think less of him, unless he was in a similar situation with his partner to the kind women more typically find themselves in (ie in an abusive relationship, or a househusband with an unfaithful partner or one who held the power because they were the earner.)

My stash is only around 1500. How has she got her hands on so much money?

County lines?

Your dad needs to go through her handbags to see if she is hiding any guns. If she has knee length boots look inside there as well...

It might also be worth checking the local papers to see if there have been any bank jobs in the last few years.

Has she been to Colombia or Mexico on holiday recently?

If both people put all money into a family pot where all household items come out of it.

Then each person is given the same spends

One saves it all
One spends it all

Why is it wrong to have those savings, should they be shared?

If i was married to someone male or female and found out they'd secretly stashed away 30+k i'd be out the door. Why bother to live with someone, give your energy to them, and then they are doing that behind your back. What a joke.

In this case both partners are working, sharing cost of running a household and presumably earning around the same so I don't see an issue in the mother's savings.
However if she earned significantly more than the dad while he was contributing towards 50% of bills there would be an issue. Or if he took time off to be a SAHP while she continued working being able to save and pay into a pension while he couldn't that would be an issue

Is it a good, healthy and strong marriage? Perhaps not with this secret stash. I mean, saving up is great but what is she planning to do with it? Leave him?

Why is it a fib? You can spend £100 a week on cigarettes easily if you smoke 20 a day. Depends how much she smoked and how long ago she stopped.

Well this relationship doesnt sound good so thats.a different matter. They'll probably separate.

Is the DH a spender rather than a saver? Perhaps the DW wanted a sense of financial security that the DH could not provide.
We are told to have rainy day savings but some people feel money burning a hole in their pocket and just spend it, some others can't make basic sacrifices to build up savings (e.g. spending a lot of money on lunches at work instead of taking a packed lunch etc). If the DW was willing to make these sacrifices to create a rainy day fund and the DH was not, then there is nothing unreasonable here.

Except it seems here that here were both choosing what to do with their income which wasn't spent on household commitment. The father choose to keep an expensive hobby.

Its a moot point beside some of the comments the OP has said her mum has made. I would be more concerned about what what is behind those.

At current prices, it’s just under five years at 20 a day.

If they save separate bank accounts and she saved the money from her income then no issue.
if the money came from a joint account or
earnings then I can understand him being upset that a decision was made with their money without consulting him.