How would you feel and what would you do, if you found out your partner had a secret savings account of 35k

[Stuckinthemiddlewithyouuhoh]

So it’s not me, it’s my dad found this out about my mum

I would be very angry at my husband if I found this out

This was my first and only thought. If a man had been hiding that much I can just imagine the uproar!!! But when it's a woman... The old double standard MN.

Even if you were smoking a pack of cigarettes a day, and knew he had stopped?
Really? Wow!

I think a lot would depend on how things had been financially and how much chat there had been about money.

With DH I wouldn't be too bothered. We both have private savings and we each know that (DH was widowed young and the bank closed their joint account in error when she died so he has always been adamant we have money in our own names in a couple of places as well as joint). We're really comfortable financially so that would be fine.

15 years ago when we'd just moved, both got made redundant and didn't get paid, barley had a working bathroom and were properly counting the cost of every penny it would have been devastating if I found out he'd let us live hand-to-mouth (and the kids missing out on things) while having a large amount of savings.

Totally agree

It's not a double standard if OPs Mum has less pension from having time out for children or is aware of the stats about men leaving if their partner gets sick...it's a totally sensible precaution...that generally isn't necessary if genders are reversed

I wouldn’t have a problem with this. We’ve always kept our finances separate agreed years ago who would pay which bills. My husband knows everything about my finances but only because I’m self employed and he does my accounts for me. But I’ve got no idea how much money he’s got in savings - I’m sure he would tell me if I asked, but I’m not really interested and it’s not my business.

Again if it was posted in reverse MN would have something to say about it. They wouldn't be defending it thorough assumptions as they are here. That is where the double standard is..you can dispute it all you want I know what I've seen here.

Your edit kind of proves my point by virtually saying if reversed it would indeed be different.

She must have been a very heavy smoker to have accrued 35 grand just by giving up.
Is she secretly planning to disappear?

It depends on whether they struggle to get back on a daily basis, or have had to take on expensive debt for big purchases. I've got almost that amount in different savings accounts. My husband knows that I save, but he doesn't know how much I have put away. If we couldn't afford to keep putting money away I would stop and put that money into the shared pot, and if we needed it then I'd share it, otherwise I don't think my husband needs to know the details of my savings.

I'm with your mum, I think it can make us very vulnerable joining finances completely. It's such a peace of mind knowing you've got something for yourself. If it's your money and you've earned it then good for you.

I've always had a bit of a "secret stash" and in the past when I decided to be open about my savings to a partner, it left them feeling like they should suggest us dipping into it and me trying to defend my own money. I wouldn't share this information again and I don't think she is required too either.

Her money so it seems ok, but i think it is unlikely to be just from stopping smoking- unless she was a chain smoker and gave up 20 years ago- so their may be some issues there.

We have separate finances and both have separate savings so wouldn't bother me at all. I wouldn't have married DH if it meant joint bank accounts.

I especially think it's important for women to have access to some of their own money so good for her.

If they have separate finances and both pay same amount into the joint to cover all bills surely it's her business how much she spends or saves. DH and I start with RT oughly the same amount of money. We both pay equally into joint account. I save more of my personal money than my DH because he spends more on his hobbies than me. I tend to gift higher value gifts to people I love.

I think you'll find on MN the rule is when it's the woman's money, it's her own money and when it's the man's it's family money to be shared or else it's financial abuse.
Strange but true.

I would assume they were saving up to leave me. 35k? That's a huge secret.

I was a bit unsure about how she could save that much by giving up smoking, but if it is in a stocks and shares ISA it could have increased significantly in value.

I don't think it's right that she didn't tell your dad about it though, unless she has no pension and is worried what she will live on when she is on her own. As you say, it could be some insecurity from her childhood, many women used to be left with very little coming in when their DH died.

Looks like on current prices if she smoked 40 a day , about 3 years- it depends how the cigarettes were paid for- if they are paid for from the joint account then absolutely she should have told your Dad- joint money is joint.
Mind you if she works, and he doesn't she pays it into a separate account , and was paying for her habit from that the ISA is her business- what account did the money paid into come from-it's easy to tell with the statements.
Probably she paid into her ISA from the joint account, and this ia how your Dad has realised- if it was a separate account she paid into herself, how would he know?
This is definitely a breach of trust if the money is from the joint account.

Still double standards as simple as that. Everything you've just said is out in the open and people know about it, if he had a huge pension and they divorced, guees who gets a stake in it, yep the wife, if he dies, guess who gets the pension, yep the wife, the same with savings etc. And lets be frank if it was about pension contributions, this could have been paid into her pension and she would have got an extra 20% ontop of it in tax releaf.

People can sugar coat it as much as they like and try to justtify 35k saved/stolen/deprived from joint funds. This is not someone who's saved up a couple of thousand pounds to leave an abusive relationship. it's 35K.

Either partner would have the right to be miffed about this.

Those split pensions …do people just receive them? Or go through a lengthy costly process? Equality is not about everyone getting the same it is about noting where people start …so hidden savings for someone who statistically earns more, doesn’t have career breaks and is FAR more likely to walk away when encountering ill health and disability in a life partner is not the same thing as a woman saving based on her lived experience of life vulnerability through structural inequality in our society. Must be nice not to be aware of that. A blessing or PRIVILEGE even

I’m finding this hard to understand. DH and I have always allocated ourselves a set amount of ‘pocket money/ spending money’ each from the monthly budget to be spent on whatever we both wish. Neither of us smoke but if we did it could go towards cigarettes, DH sometimes buys himself a bottle of wine at the weekend and whatever else he likes. I often buy lunch out with a friend on my day off or books.

It happens that some months, I spend very little of my allocated spending money and often put that into my savings account. Over a period of years, with the interest compounding, it’s easy to appreciate that the sum in my high interest (the best available) savings account will grow.

So does that mean that because DH chose to spend every penny of his weekly spending money and I chose to save a lot of mine, I’m not allowed to keep it for myself? That it should go back into the shared pot? For some reasons that doesn’t sit comfortably with me and seems likely that the OPs mother has had a similar situation although I could be wrong.

Maybe putting her spending money into a savings account to grow feels like the most important and gratifying use of it to her.

I wouldn’t mind at all if DH had that amount, he probably has tbh. We have always had separate individual bank accounts, and both put money into a joint account for bills and family stuff. Works well for us.

I think your dad might not be the man you think he is

Thats escape money, incase he becomes abusive or is cheating. Most smart women have that.

And that's how women get trapped in abusive marriages. This kind of thinking.