How would you feel and what would you do, if you found out your partner had a secret savings account of 35k

[Stuckinthemiddlewithyouuhoh]

So it’s not me, it’s my dad found this out about my mum

For me this particular instance is different.

There is something of The Cunt about a person who is happy to burn 35K, but then gets the hump when it is available to be used constructively, I mean if OP’s Mum took it all out in cash and burned it in front of him would that even it up to make you happy?

Would it not for one second give you pause for thought about your smoking habit, and the complete waste of money it is?

What @Tpu said.

I get people are commenting on the secrecy. But really? I'd be more concerned about partner spending £35k on smoking... not, not smoking and saving a healthy (In all senses of the word) on a nest egg!

We have completley separate finances but transparency. Having a bit put away is not a bad idea but 35k without knowledge at all seems a lot and somehow dishonest. I do think if the OP had revealed her Dad had a secret stash the answers would have been different.

I had inherited over a hundred & ten thousand without telling my cheating ex ( now long divorced and very happily re married, didn’t tell my new husband until our 1st anniversary… then just bought him a much dreamed of Motor Home
he thought I was struggling financially and helped me all along the way, …
he’s reward came for being so loving and kind.. 👍 and a wonderful husband .

So you let him subsidise you on false pretences? If I had been him for me that would have been divorce territory. Had you just not told him but still paid your way that is one things but to make out you were financially struggling with that much money in the bank is very dishonest.

I agree. I’d have been livid if I found out I was subsidising my husband and he had £110k in the bank.

As long as they weren't constantly claiming poverty and asking me to buy them things then it's their money. It wouldn't be 'secret', it's just inherently not anyone else's business.

It's enough for a woman to simply state she has some savings if her partner asks. But the exact amount needn't be disclosed.

If it came out in conversation I'd be pleased for them as it means they were more financially secure. And presumably if we were happy together they might end up spending some of it on me or things we'd enjoy together.

Obviously if as a family you were facing homelessness through no fault of our own and the only one of us that had any money was them, in that case keeping it 'secret' or not sharing could be considered unreasonable for sure.

How did find out? I don’t see why she shouldn’t save. Is he financially controlling?

Absolutely, how often was he going without something he wanted, or stressing about and even once married you hid it from them?

Sounds like she's planning an exit.

@Stuckinthemiddlewithyouuhoh if your mum stopped smoking 2 packs of cigaretts a day, at approx £25 a day and she decided to save that money and reward herself with the money she saved, it woukd take 4 yesrs to save that. Good for her giving up smoking and saving the money. People who smoke dont realise hoe much thr are spending wasting on smoking.

I'd be absolutely astounded he hadn't spent it all on comic books and dungeons and dragons. Also given I manage our finances and know what he earns it wouldn't be possible

I am going to that sum eventually.....my husband did not share money with me nor shares now....he just pays for everything , he did not put me on the deeds of the place etc...I never lacked and was home stay for many years but sorry, now when I work.....he suddenly wants to share....asks me how my savings are going ...what the heck....what keeps me with him is, I rule the roost if I want to and apart from the financial issues he is not abusive

to whomever wants to comment or asks me why I bore it for more than a decade: I did not have savings, job or proper documents for work when met him, nor had where to go....and he was never an evil, lazy or non understanding man. He took me in just as I was. And we made it a whole life

yes, I always plug him in when he goes down, I paid repairs, I finance holidays , we are quite funny couple but it works. Both are generous ....no materialism here either, two idealistic intellectuals

and I am very glad to not be on the mortgage. I don't want be liable if something goes bad for a mortgage which I cannot pay anyway

Depends entirely on how well off they are. My husband earns excellent money and I work as well. We are really well off.
But although he believes in insurance etc,he doesn't save. So I save. And have saved a lot. But it is certainly not just for me. It will be there for us if we ever need it. .If we don't need it,will likely give it to kids. I know my husband will not be upset. I often nag him to save.
If they are struggling financially,then it is a totally different scenario.
But if she is able to save 35k,then obviously they are comfortably off. Nothing wrong .

Yep that is awful behaviour and I’d struggle to come back from that.

I think it depends on your financial management. If everything is joint then yes this is sneaky.

However, me and my DH arrange finances so we have the same amount of money left for each of us. I keep control of my finances very tightly and work hard to save each month. I put money aside for the kids, for myself and I also do things like cashback websites and changing bank accounts regularly for switch deals. I use discounts and research things for cheaper products for me etc. I don’t hide any of these facts from DH but he says he can’t be bothered to do them, so he inevitably has less in savings. I don’t explicitly share with him what is in my savings accounts and he doesn’t share it with me, but both of us would be transparent if asked.

What had she been smoking Cocaine!
Even at today's huge cigarette prices.
Saving 35k wants some doing.

Or has should got a secret sideline that she is not letting on about?

Sounds Dodgy to me

I save my money that my other half doesn't know about. The main reason being that if he knew about it, he would think of lots of things we could waste it on. When we need money urgently for something like house repairs, at least I know there's something to fall back on. Im not deceitful or taking anything away, just careful. Maybe the OP's mum has the same mindset?

I'd be wondering if she was planning on leaving him

Yes, I was wondering whether it was a secret running-away fund.

I’d find it very odd if dh had a secret stash. All money from whatever source has always been ‘ours’ - even if savings have been solely in our own names for whatever reason.

So much more info would influence my answer:

1. Has mum reason to need an escape fund
2. Has dad history of being financially irresponsible
3. Has mum saved it at expense of their comforts day to day
4. Do they as a couple have financial concerns
5. How long has it been hidden for
6. Has she said why it was secret and is this reasonable
7. How does your dad feel
8. How was this money discovered

Ok - this actually happened with my in laws.

mum (yes mil but I call them mum & dad) was in hospital for over a month a bank statement came thru dad phoned me upset thinking it was a bank error.

married over 60 years, not abusive in any form. DH only child.

she never really worked and was not bringing up a large family or caring for anyone, the very occasional very part time job, it was all from inheritances.

£65,000.

they lived so frugally. Caravan holidays.
own brand supermarket food. They could have got the bungalow they (apparently) both wanted but didn't have the money for.

it just makes me sad they they lived the way they did and did nothing to actually enjoy it, I mean fgs she had the money, just kept it all to herself.

and now it's gone, spent on carers.