How would you feel and what would you do, if you found out your partner had a secret savings account of 35k

[Stuckinthemiddlewithyouuhoh]

So it’s not me, it’s my dad found this out about my mum

I suppose my own views are of dh did that to me I consider it lying and a form Of stealing

but with her I think there’s deeper reasons and her lack of trust is probably number one
i think she would have had a happier life if she’d been able to trust which is sad really

so I’ll just keep out of it and try and avoid getting pulled into it

Well they both had average jobs, both worked full time, she got the worse end of the stick really as she also did far more at home too

Your dad was fine with her doing the lions share of the unpaid domestic admin + working full time and upset she did tell him about her savings from her paid work?

Your mums behaviour is not the problem, your dads is.

Nowadays, a moderately heavy smoker could easily be spending £30 pounds a day.

If you smoked 20 a day, and a 20 deck costs about £20 now, you could save 35k in less than 6 years. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I have 'secret savings'. It's not really secret as bank letters come in the post. I have a filing draw full of paperwork.

The reasons why are a mix of stuff... mainly childhood/family experiences.

I always promised myself I'd have enough for emergencies. Having nothing to fallback onto would keep me awake at night

Cigarettes didn't cost £20 a pack 6 years ago though?

It sounds like she's been saving for a very long time and has no trust in her husband. It sounds like a really sad way to spend a life and it seems odd she would continue to stay in the marriage given the views she's shared with the OP throughout her whole life.

Yeah I think she was part of a generation that hadn’t a bit rough relaly in that they were kids expected to go to work yet also do everything at home too
which is unfair
highly unfair

at least now most people try n share the load more or people will say actually I’m prioritising this and I can’t do everything to the best of my ability
or they work part time etc
but 80s there was alot of pressure on women to break through glass ceilings which just left them shattered

i just feel like there’s reasons she’s so distrusting

Depends how equal bills were from salaries and who paid for the big purchases

if it was your dad I’d feel hugely betrayed if I was him that I was expected to pay for all the big purchases and there she is squirrelling money away

20 cigarettes cost between £15 - £20 at the moment so £35k isn't an unreasonable amount given they were both smoking 40 a day. It depends how much they cost at the time they both quit smoking.

My question would be: what has your dad done with the money he was no longer spending on cigarettes? Your mum has been careful and saved hers, your dad hasn't.
On that basis, I don't think he has a right to be upset.

Do you think I should try to talk to her about how her childhood was for her or would would it be better to leave her be

it’s not like she’s suddenly gonna change I guess

OP says the mum smoked 40 a day at one point. Cigs have been over 16 a pack for years. I stopped in 2017. They were a fortune then. 40 a day would be over £30. That’s less than 4 years.

Where people are saying, 'wouldn't you be upset if your partner did this?' I feel this is a gendered issue. Many women sacrifice career progression and can end up financially trapped in marriage. I think it is very sensible that your mum has an escape fund should she need it and wish more women had one. I believe it's different for men and women I'm afraid (although I'm sure many will disagree).

Sounds like she's seen and experienced enough through life to know that the best defence against the world (and men in particular) is money and you can't go through life thinking that there will always be a noble hero dashing in to save you in your darkest hour.

Even the nicest guy in the world is still another person - and that person can leave, can lose their job, spend foolishly, buy a ridiculously expensive car because 'WE can afford it', take out credit on the basis that there will always be some money stashed away that'll cover it, decide to invest everything on a sure fire business tip from a mate or drop down dead (especially with a 40 a day habit). Her personal savings insulate her from those possible consequences and from those if the house burns down one night with him in it.

He might like to think that he was all the protection she needed from poverty, homelessness and dependence upon rapidly declining benefits/pension provision. But he can't be, even though he could easily be the number one threat without any financial abuse or control.

"I have just found out my husband has a secret savings account. AIBU to be shocked at this?'
MN: Yes you are, good for him. It's none of your business'
Can you imagine anything like this ever on MN?
So why is it different when it's a woman's secret savings??

Because women often end up in a really vulnerable position if there is a split especially if they are not married and have children or if they have been A SAHM or working part time hours, often in a relatively low paid job around child care.

But then I think every woman should have a minimum of £20,000 in an isa she can only access. I actually do
Good for you, but realistically for many women that is but a pipe dream.

I once knew a man who found out he could afford to go on on holiday to all sorts of places with the money he had spent on smoking ,so for the rest of his life ,he and his wife travelled on very expensive holidays until he sadly died.

I do find this thread utterly bizarre.
A woman has been found with a secret stash and her husband is upset about it. It's the kind of scenario often posted about on MN the other way round and once it's been established that the couple don't have entirely separate finances, the poster is inevitably told it's 'a red flag', abusive and to LTB.
Yet on tjus thread, pps are framing the op's mum as a victim, cautioning about abuse from the husband, berating him for still smoking and, if all else fails, falling back on history of women's finances that has absolutely nothing to do with this scenario.
Are we so obsessed with women being eternal victims we honestly can't see the double standards here?

Definitely. Don't mention the money. Just talk to her about her childhood and her life and see what comes out.

Looking objectively at your parents who is the decision maker in the relationship?

What is your dads view on the money? Are there things he thinks it should be spent on now he know about it?

20 Benson & Hedges costs around £20 (maybe as low as £16 if shopping around/ buying in bulk).
So 20-a-day is over £7K a year and £35K would be 5 years of savings.
If she is calculating it from smoking 40-a-day then obviously it would only be 2-3 years saving - so possibly not a decades-long deception!

Has your Dad also quit? I can see he might be miffed if she carried on taking the money but saving it and has built a nest egg whereas he just stopped spending it from the family funds, but that could literally just be misunderstanding/lack of communication.

I'd be really upset. Our money is all shared. Would be a big betrayal of trust.

It's deceitful. A married couple share finances.

I can remember women advising me when I was younger to retain some financial independence. It also sounds as though your Dad expected your Mum to find a way to pay what he considered her ‘share’ of bills. It doesn’t sound like there is much sense of shared financial responsibility there and so maybe your Mum thought she’d create a bit of a ‘running away ‘ fund as a safety net……
Agree this is for them to resolve between them and try not to get dragged in.

Leave her be, OP; it's really none of your business, unless she wants to discuss it with you. All women should have a fuck off fund; it's just a shame it's extraordinarily hard to hide it nowadays. I think it shows a lack of insight and caring on your father's part that he doesn't understand why she would want or need it.

I just did the same and was gobsmacked! I've never smoked, dear God it's an expensive hobby!

For me the most important part of this is whether your dad still smokes. If your mother smoked 40 a day that’s £20 a day. That adds up to £7,300 a year. So yes she could easily have saved up that amount in five years or so. If your dad still smokes then he would have made it harder for her to quit so she’s absolutely entitled to have those savings. If he quit too he could have saved the same amount of money. She clearly wants to keep the money to herself and I don’t see a problem with it tbh. She’s probably worried that it will get spent if your dad knows about it.

Well given my partner is a man and I said I would say good for them then your point on my post doesn't make sense. I don't think it is different.

And MN isn't some kind of hivemind or it wouldn't be a very good forum would it?