How would you feel and what would you do, if you found out your partner had a secret savings account of 35k

[Stuckinthemiddlewithyouuhoh]

So it’s not me, it’s my dad found this out about my mum

If they aren’t married then I can understand why she might have a back up fund, it’s really sensible as partners are more likely to separate and are potentially more financially vulnerable . If they are married then personally I would be a bit upset at lack of transparency( although it’s still ok to have an individual savings pot, especially if you are the lower earner or have lost out on earnings/ pension due to having kids)

I wouldn't do anything - it's just their account, it's not "secret". I I imagine that my husband has accounts worth far more than that in total, because he has taken trouble with his investments over the years. Good for him. In the same way, he doesn't know what my accounts look like. We've been married 30+ years, but we're still independent people.

Well they both had average jobs, both worked full time, she got the worse end of the stick really as she also did far more at home too

no substance abuse or addiction whatsoever

i wouldn’t say her saving all that left them in hardship as they always have a holiday every year and are not extravagant

he’s never been abusive at all
I would say it’s probably an emergency exit fund
just by comments she’s made in the past like she doesn’t think women should go on maternity leave or become stay at home parents because “money is power “

shes never really said much about her childhood tho so i guess it could be something from them perhaps ?

she doesn’t have friends and doenst tend to trust people
and is always saying how horrible women are and how women are so bitchy etc
which wasn’t very nice growing up being told girls and women are horrible all the time
so my guy feeling it’s it’s an emergency fund just for her

Oh yes they are married and have been for years before having kids etc

I got more saved

It's not an issue for me- we have separate finances

I have no idea how much my DH has in savings, nor him me.

Then it's a security blanket for her.

I'd wish her well and hope that her life is happy and content tbh. Because it sounds like she hasn't had much security she has felt in her soul.

"I have just found out my husband has a secret savings account. AIBU to be shocked at this?'
MN: Yes you are, good for him. It's none of your business'

Can you imagine anything like this ever on MN?

So why is it different when it's a woman's secret savings??

Ditto

Why is it different? Because of the historical finacial power differential between women and men.

Obviously.

I’d think she’d taken advice from mumsnet for a personal fund!

I don’t actually know how he found out about it
as it’s in an isa

all she said was he found out about it and isn’t very happy

I also thought the same as other posters hmm 35k that’s alot to save from stopping smoking but they both r smoked about 40 a day each at one point
so I have no idea how much that costs tbh

If the bills are paid and the woman isn't being financially abused I cant see the issue.

It would depend on whether the woman was also working and had pensions etc and what their quality of life was.

If the man is the higher earner and the woman was SAHP. And had to scrimp the tiny amounts she isgiven and had no pensions or security blanket. Then yes it's bad.

If they're both working and both contributing to the joint pot. Both pensions paid etc Having a good lifestyle and separate finances then I cant see the issue if either one has a large pot stashed away.

he’s never been abusive at all

As far as you know. I say that gently, nobody knows an abuser like their victim. I hope it's not the case for your parents @Stuckinthemiddlewithyouuhoh , I'm just pointing out it's a possibility never to be dismissed

I’d be livid as we’re trying to get the mortgage down and it would make a huge difference if we could pay that much off.

In their circumstances, it sounds fishy. And if he divorces her it’s in the marital pot whether she considers them her savings or not. She sounds horrible, maybe he’d be happier without her.

I’d say good on her. She saved it through quitting smoking - could he have done the same or is he still smoking?

But then I think every woman should have a minimum of £20,000 in an isa she can only access. I actually do. I think the same for my husband too he also has savings in his own name.

I think there is a lack of trust then and you are perhaps right in that her attitude to money may have been influenced from eg,childhood…I’m not sure how old she would be but she is likely to be from the generations where women were more likely to be financially dependent on their husbands and hence more vulnerable . Women weren’t able to get a mortgage on their own before 1975, (and marital rape for eg. was not criminalised until 1991.. ) both big changes within my lifetime and it does impact your attitudes!

Totally agree with this. And smoking 40 a day she could easily have save this much.

Tbh I wonder if there’s something there from childhood that makes her so distrusting
so anti women
as she never really talks about it

she downstairs she went back to work ft after having kids he gave her bills in her name to pay…
but I didn't really say anything when she siad this as I’m feeling awkward and thinking it’s not my business

but now I’m thinking about it

suppose my own personal views that I’ve not shared as I just don’t say much is that if you really want full financial freedom maybe don’t have kids (dependants)and don’t get married (so your finances are not legally merged with another)
but maybe I’m wrong

Holy shit Google says a pack of cigarettes is now 15-20 quid
So two packs a day would add up to your 35k in about 3 years 😱

I would think he was planning to leave.

I’d be really cross and upset if we’d always had what I thought were shared finances with openness around what we were earning, what needed to be saved, what we spent significant amounts on etc.
If we were a couple who had more separate finances then that would be different.

Basically, it would depend how much was outright lying vs just generally not knowing financial details.

Yes I think your onto something there

she’s said before about how women weren’t allowed back account s
back in the day

indo remember when marital rose became illegal and it was all on the news and she was like what nonsense
you can’t rape a wife …

i didn’t even really know what sex even was then
late primary age
but she has always been so down on women her whole life
women are this girls are that …

I'd be pissed. We have joint finances and a kid. That's a lot of money for us and would make a big difference to our life. I'd feel he didn't trust me or have faith in our relationship or my being fair with him if we did split.

We have separate finances here and it wouldn't be an issue but not a secret either because there's no need to discuss it. My savings are my own and DH doesn't question it, but money was only ever tight when ds was a baby and I gave up work. Even then I had my own money.