How would you feel and what would you do, if you found out your partner had a secret savings account of 35k

[Stuckinthemiddlewithyouuhoh]

So it’s not me, it’s my dad found this out about my mum

I wonder OP if there’s some kind of a back story that you aren’t party too, previous affair/s , debt etc . There are often back story’s that people keep back, even from adult children

This.
It was no problem when she was smoking it all away, but now it is a problem for saving it instead. I can not make that make sense in my head.

Say a couple both have expensive hobbies that cost about the same. The husband carries on with his, but the wife loses interest in hers so she saves the money instead. Why would the husband be entitled to the money she saved?

😂 Righto.

Exactly. This could be me and DP. He's a spender and I'm a saver. We have joint finances for joint costs and the same amount of personal money.

He spends all his and I buy/do what I want but always have some left, which I save/invest. We've been doing this for nearly 20 years now and I have over £50k in an ISA that he knows nothing about (but could work out with simple maths, he knows how our finances work and he knows he spends more than I do), that's built up solely because I consistently spend £30/40 a week less than him on stuff and coffee/lunches etc.

He's not entitled to it, but if it came from joints sources he is entitled to know about it. A lack of transparency between people that are financially tied (which is what being married entails) is not acceptable. Should you require absolute privacy about your finances you cannot get married, live together and have separate finances-you can't have it both ways.

Have they scrimped? Have they forgone holidays etc and other nice luxuries!

I suppose it depends on whether he’s the sort of man who would think he’s entitled to it, despite having spent equivalent already. You see people on here planning the spending of their spouse’s inheritance as though the spouse needed no input.

Of course you can! As evidenced by the many many people who do it. If you are at some point legally required to disclose it then if course you must but not otherwise. You can if you want.

You are legally linked- if you deceive your partner in this way they are justified in being upset- if you didn't want to be linked financially don't marry. This sort of think gets cited in divorce proceedings- have it both ways but if you get caught a rather diminished marriage or a divorce is on the cards. The Mum of the OP broke the 11th commandment "thou shalt not get caught". If you are filtering from a joint account you are bound to get caught, if you filter off more cleverly and get caught you look even more like a puppy next door to a pile of poo.

It really depends on what you're set up is like. That's your personal take on things but it's not everyone's. I have a savings account and so does my husband - we have zero idea of each other's value. He could have multiple ones for all I know! It doesn't bother me. If we really needed it we would use our savings but again, neither one of us is expected to produce a bank statement.

If we were to divorce, they would all have to be disclosed. Might find myself with a nice surprise if he's got multiple Cayman island accounts!