What is reasonable for a ‘guest’ to do

[WhyAreWeLikeThis]

I’m struggling, and I’m aware I’m pathetic but I don’t know what’s normal.

I have a houseguest as a favour to a family member. This person is not related to me, and is not paying rent although sometimes picks up milk

I live here with my adult daughter (also not connected to him). It’s a quiet house in a quiet neighbourhood. Daughter works long hours and is in bed by 8 (playing the sims or animal crossing I think, but goes to sleep at ten). Im up much later

He is very noisy at night, he drinks a lot, smokes weed - not in my house but brings the smell in with him, he told me it was outdoor plants but I’ve lived here 20 years, I know what it is, and I know people don’t mind weed, but I hate it. Also he plays very loud shouty games with friends in the early hours, and gets takeaways delivered at 2am (doorbell wakes my daughter)

Ive just told him it’s unacceptable and he told me to shush.

My daughter won’t say anything to him because she hates confrontation. I don’t like it either obviously. She gets really angry with me

Person we’re doing the favour for has said she doesn’t want to hear my drama. If it wasn’t for this there would be no drama

I swing between thinking I'm overreacting and wanting him to leave immediately

I’m not used to houseguests apart from the kids having sleepovers when they were younger and I’m not naturally hospitable so genuinely don’t know what’s normal

Tell him to pack & go immediately. This person is rude, disrespectful and not your problem.

If your relative complains, tell them you don't want to hear their drama. To

How long have they been with you and when are they intending to leave? Regardless they shouldn’t be so inconsiderate particularly making noise and having guests at any time if they are a guest themselves. Does he work?

Tell him to leave and tell the family member that he was disruptive and you aren't supporting a weed smoking, drinking leach. 2 days fine 2 weeks no way 2 months and you're an utter mug

Why can’t the person you’re doing the favour for have him?

OMG- get the cuckoo out today. No notice- it isn’t working and off you pop CF. Tell whoever asked you the same.

Since mid October and supposedly to leave at the end of feb, but relative has said it might be summer. My daughter will KILL me if I let that happen. She pays me £200 a month and it seems very unfair

He does work but ridiculous hours. 5-10.30/11 he’s here the rest of the time

I’ll bite. Are you or your daughter vulnerable in any way? (I’m wondering this based on the fact your daughter is an adult who’s in bed at 8 playing Animal Crossing)

You say you don’t know what’s ‘normal’ - it’s not normal to feel obliged to indulge a long term houseguest who smokes weed, keeps you up making noise, and tells you to ‘shush’ when you mention he’s disturbed you in the early hours.

How long does he intend to stay?

You don’t need to provide free housing for this man indefinitely just because you and your daughter dislike conflict and your relative doesn’t want drama. This person is not your responsibility.

Are you concerned he might respond aggressively if you ask him to leave?

Unfortunately he’s not allowed to live with her. It’s far more complicated than I’ve said. He’s paying rent on their flat so can’t afford to rent ;although can afford takeaways, cigarettes, alcohol which I couldn’t)

Jesus fucking Christ, tell the prick to pack his shit and go first thing in the morning.
Can you get some therapy to try and understand why you believe people can treat you like a piece of crap.

My husband left last year, and I feel like if he was here he wouldn’t treat the house like this, I’m just a soft touch, but I don’t want be.

Im not being blackmailed as such, but - god I’m shit at being cryptic - there’s a child involved and if I upset the applecart, there’s a good chance I won’t be allowed to see him

@PinkYellowGrey I wasn’t always like this, I don’t know wtf has happened to me

If they use their child against you for setting reasonable boundaries then that'll be really sad, but you can't sacrifice your daughter for another child.

(Please ignore my earlier post which I didn’t mean to be offensive - I’ve just learned the average age of Animal Crossing players was 35! I thought it was a kids’ game. Sorry! Shows how much I know about anything)

The rest still stands though - no, you’re not overreacting, it’s not normal for someone to behave like this in someone else’s house. He’s being a shit. But be careful and enlist backup in getting him out of your house if you think he might get aggressive.

@JustAnotherWhinger no you’re absolutely right

I think I doubt myself because I’ve been with my husband so long, I’m used to having someone else to talk to and back me up and I feel a bit lost. I know I have to change, it’s just a shame it didn’t start gradually

@VoltaireMittyDream no i dont think we’re vulnerable! She seems to need a lot more sleep than usual and she’s obsessed with animal crossing and the sims but she has a good, responsible job. She doesn’t watch tv, so I guess it’s her thing

I’m not either. I’m not even as wet as I seem, not usually

Please ignore me - I posted shortly after to explain I hadn’t realised Animal Crossing was chiefly popular with people in their mid 30s as I thought it was a kids’ game. I really didn’t mean to sound like such a patronising arse!

@VoltaireMittyDream
She needs more sleep than most people I mean. She always has.

I’m not offended honestly. I’m genuinely grateful for the advice as I clearly need it

If you don't want him there tell him to leave. Your DD pays to live there yet you allow this man to stay for free. Why do you tolerate it? I'm surprised your DD has not moved out.

Absolutely tell him to leave, this is way beyond acceptable. And telling you to shush?! I would lose my shit! Find your anger and chuck him out!

explain to her and him now that as previously agreed February is the end date and sadly you're unable to let him stay any longer.

put an end date in as it could roll onto the summer, then possibly the next summer, then potentially years.

Do you have another child and is this person staying with you their husband and your son in law ? Is the child you refer to your grandchild?

If so, I understand the emotional blackmail you have been put under but the lodger's behaviour is awful and they need to leave ASAP.

If you outline your relationship to the child then perhaps posters can offer some support or guidance on how to help.

He tells you to shush!!!….gone by lunchtime if he was in my home.

@Wonkywalker yes exactly that apart from they’re not married.

You said he's not allowed to live with your relative in the flat they both pay rent for which makes me think he's perhaps a danger? (Sorry if I've jumped to the wrong conclusion). Either way I think you need to say it just isn't working out and he needs to find something else.

They both seem to be massively taking advantage of you