What is reasonable for a ‘guest’ to do

[WhyAreWeLikeThis]

I’m struggling, and I’m aware I’m pathetic but I don’t know what’s normal.

I have a houseguest as a favour to a family member. This person is not related to me, and is not paying rent although sometimes picks up milk

I live here with my adult daughter (also not connected to him). It’s a quiet house in a quiet neighbourhood. Daughter works long hours and is in bed by 8 (playing the sims or animal crossing I think, but goes to sleep at ten). Im up much later

He is very noisy at night, he drinks a lot, smokes weed - not in my house but brings the smell in with him, he told me it was outdoor plants but I’ve lived here 20 years, I know what it is, and I know people don’t mind weed, but I hate it. Also he plays very loud shouty games with friends in the early hours, and gets takeaways delivered at 2am (doorbell wakes my daughter)

Ive just told him it’s unacceptable and he told me to shush.

My daughter won’t say anything to him because she hates confrontation. I don’t like it either obviously. She gets really angry with me

Person we’re doing the favour for has said she doesn’t want to hear my drama. If it wasn’t for this there would be no drama

I swing between thinking I'm overreacting and wanting him to leave immediately

I’m not used to houseguests apart from the kids having sleepovers when they were younger and I’m not naturally hospitable so genuinely don’t know what’s normal

So your daughter's abuser is living with you and she is threatening no access to your grandson if you don't comply?

Oh OP, how awful and threatening that must have felt. Telling you to shush was designed to diminish you and put you right in your place.

As you are on good terms with your ex, can he come around and tell this horrible fucker to pack his bags.

I don't agree with the deadlines and telling him he has until Feb 1st etc. He sound unpredictable and very unpleasant so he won't take any eviction announcement well.

You need him gone today! You are being taken advantage of badly, you are being blackmailed too. If you are cut-off from your DGC then so be it. I doubt it will be long term, but you cannot allow yourself to be abused like this. Reclaim your home and your peace today.

I also wouldn't want a man like this under the same roof as my 20 year old dd. No way.

Shushing you in your own house? Get this fucker gone asap

OP you know your houseguest's behaviour is unreasonable. You need to tell them to leave.

Omg, get him out. Now

he told you to shush?

Haven't read all the replies so sorry if this has been suggested already. Could you offer to take the grandchild rather than the man-baby? Not sure that would work depending on the childs age and your circumstances. But might be a compromise?

Read the whole thread

I agree with everyone else. He needs to go asap. Not the end of February or the summer!
Why can’t he stay with his partner and child?

You already know you are not being unreasonable.
Are you asking HOW to get rid of him?

Can you enlist his, your husbands, help, if it is still half his house and you get on okay then it is in his interests to end this situation today. Confront the guest together, tell him to pack and leave today, be strong, be adamant. Write a ‘to whom it may concern’ letter saying that you are unable to continue to house him. If your address is registered with police or ss as where he lives then notify them that you have had to tell him to go. Change the locks, get a ring doorbell, report any threats to the police.
if today is not possible the as soon as possible. I wish you luck and strength in dealing with this.

Reading between the lines this man is your daughters partner and he can’t live with your daughter so she says live with you or you won’t see your grandchild ?

the lack of respect both give you is astonishing

if anyone shush me they would be out

you need to put your big knickers on and say no more

So he's not a guest, he's someone who has been foisted on you.

Do you have any burly male friends who can help encourage this man to move out by bagging up his stuff while hes at work. dumping it outside and changing the locks? A relative of mine has a couple of biker friends that I sometimes use in situations like this. They look pretty fierce but are really lovely chaps.

You definitely are vulnerable! Call the police and tell them that you are being cuckoo'ed and you need help to get an adult male that has no right to your property out.

I'm sure the scrote has couches he can surf on. He's a grown man. He's not your blood relative and by the sound of it your daughter will be better off when he's out of the picture. He's a leech and brings nothing good to your family. Kick him out.

This was my immediate thought. He needs to be out of all your lives. Please, please, tell him to leave. If he's not allowed to live with your DC and your DGC, it doesn't look like a good situation at all.

Absolutely, so maybe you can work with your DD (that doesn’t live with you) on this, even though she is being so difficult about it at the moment.

Remember, you have every right to a peaceful home for you and your DD who lives with you. Keep reminding yourself that you are in the right with this situation, and that should help you to put in the boundaries. There are a lot of posters on here telling you that this situation is ridiculous and that you need to kick him out – they are right of course and I hope that has helped you to see it for what it is, but I do appreciate that not everyone finds it easy to stand up against someone who’s intimidating them and chuck all their belongings outside the house. It’s what we all see in films/EastEnders, but not so easy in reality!

It sounds like you could get your ex-husband to help you with this. How about you first prepare what you want to say to this ‘lodger’ and to your DD who foisted him upon you. Put it in writing, either to prepare yourself to say it verbally or to send as a text/email. Keep remembering that you have already gone above and beyond, and you deserve peace and can’t go on like this. Be firm and clear with your boundaries. Then, whatever the plan is in terms of notice (either immediately or a few days or whatever you decide is best), I think you need your ex-husband to be there to help make sure that this man leaves. Good luck.

@WhyAreWeLikeThis this is shocking behaviour . The d contact the police for help if you feel you can’t ask him to leave by yourself.
This is your home and your daughters . You need to feel safe and comfortable. .
This shouldn’t be happening

He's told you to " shush"?
She's tod you she doesn't want to hear you?
Tell him to leave today.
Get your locks changed. Get his stuff out on the pavement.
This is very far from normal.

This. I don’t understand why you’ve not kicked him out already.

You are in danger of cuckooing. Have him removed by any means possible.

He needs to be gone today. Get your ex on board.
This man should be nowhere near your daughter. I don't know what went on which means he can't live with your other daughter and grandchild but if he's not allowed to live with them he shouldn't be living with you either.
Get him the fuck out.
Nobody would be behaving like that in my house and telling me to shush.

OP you are undereacting! How dare he tell you to shush in your own house. And how dare your daughter tell you not to bring drama to her. It’s outrageous.

Don’t submit to blackmail.

Get him out of the house now. You deserve peace and calm in your own home.

You’re not pathetic. Your guest is rude and disrespectful. Telling you to “shush” is very rude, and your family member is exploiting your good nature.

you’re not pathetic. You’re a normal reasonable person, who doesn’t expect someone who is your guest, to behave so badly. Your rude guest is the unreasonable one, but somehow part of his effect is to make you feel you’re in the wrong.

Chuck him out - back to his mother, I assume?

Your family member has just dumped her drama on you. Dump it back.

This! What is wrong with you. There is nothing normal about this.