What is reasonable for a ‘guest’ to do

[WhyAreWeLikeThis]

I’m struggling, and I’m aware I’m pathetic but I don’t know what’s normal.

I have a houseguest as a favour to a family member. This person is not related to me, and is not paying rent although sometimes picks up milk

I live here with my adult daughter (also not connected to him). It’s a quiet house in a quiet neighbourhood. Daughter works long hours and is in bed by 8 (playing the sims or animal crossing I think, but goes to sleep at ten). Im up much later

He is very noisy at night, he drinks a lot, smokes weed - not in my house but brings the smell in with him, he told me it was outdoor plants but I’ve lived here 20 years, I know what it is, and I know people don’t mind weed, but I hate it. Also he plays very loud shouty games with friends in the early hours, and gets takeaways delivered at 2am (doorbell wakes my daughter)

Ive just told him it’s unacceptable and he told me to shush.

My daughter won’t say anything to him because she hates confrontation. I don’t like it either obviously. She gets really angry with me

Person we’re doing the favour for has said she doesn’t want to hear my drama. If it wasn’t for this there would be no drama

I swing between thinking I'm overreacting and wanting him to leave immediately

I’m not used to houseguests apart from the kids having sleepovers when they were younger and I’m not naturally hospitable so genuinely don’t know what’s normal

There is a reason why he is not allowed at his flat. Was your home put on his bail conditions? He is a grown man and not your responsibility.

Doesn’t he have family or don’t they want him either?

He told you to shush and the person you are doing the favour for said they don’t want to hear your drama ? I’d be telling him it’s not working out, you find him rude and disrespectful and you want him gone by tomorrow. As for the other person - just tell them you don’t want to hear their drama

Tell him what the rules are and that if he can't abide by them then he has a week to find somewhere else. Repeat that he was only ever to be there until the end Feb. If you get a "shhhh" response just tell him, that's ok, you expect him out in the week and his key returned. No negotiation. It's your home and he doesn't get to make the rules. If he starts, tell him to "shhhh". What an entitled dick.

He has to go. I cant believe you have had to tolerate this since October. If he has no money to pay his way, how can he afford drugs, alcohol and takeaways. Thats taking the p*ss. He should be going out of his way to cook, clean and repay you for hospitality. The doorbell going at that hour? No! Sushing you.... tatty bye. He would be gone this weekend if it were me. Good luck to him finding another person to freeload on and.abuse. if he is on bail, tell him you will be letting the police know that as of 4pm today he is no longet welcome. Pack his stuff and put it on the door step (if he is at work) or wake him up now. Put your phone on record and in your pocket to record it. If you think he might be violent, tell the police you are vulnerable, being taken advantage of and need police presence when you tell this violent man to leave.

YANBU - you are not responsible for him. Weed stinks. People who smoke it stink of it. The smell is like nothing else. Your house/bedding etc will start to stink. You deserve peace and safety in your own home. Your daughter needs to see good example and boundaries set. You need to feel empowered in your own home. Good luck.

OP, get him out today. Never let this happen again.

Get rid your relative is expecting too much of them. They can’t live with him but expect you to - that’s not fair unless it’s some sort of medical issue.

Not at all believable that this is happening and that you’re such a pushover.

The child most involved here is your daughter, if this goes on you may not see her. You're also setting a terrible example to her, this 'guest' is being abusive @WhyAreWeLikeThis.

He’s an arrogant prick and a user, OP. Stand up for your daughter and yourself and get him out. Him rudely telling you to shush (WTF?!) can be your excuse, along with his constant disrespect of you and your house. If you don’t want to be that honest, then make up a visiting friend complete with children. It doesn’t matter, just get this loser out. I feel angry on your behalf.

If the relative (is it your sister?) gets annoyed, don’t bother to explain why as she’s clearly not interested in your explanation. Repeat her words back to her, saying you don’t want her drama and it’s not working out.

This idiot is not your problem. You’re not his mum and you have no obligation to sort out problems that are of his own making, by the sound of it.

Honestly, get the f**ker out by packing up his crap and changing the locks while he’s at work.

I’m so upset for you. He and the other relative have normalised his appalling behaviour.
With the help of your ex, get him kicked out and gone. I’m pretty sure that the access to the child will continue because they are greedy selfish and will want your support/child care at some point.

I wouldn't worry too much about losing contact with your grandchild. Your dd sounds like she is going to need you in the future so you are highly unlikely to be cut off. If anything, you may end up with gc living at yours in future, with or without your daughter.

This is nuts and you’re in an abusive situation. Say no and mean it.

This is a really insane post. Is he your brother? I’m just trying to think what on earth could be the set up that you’d allow this, especially as it is affecting not just you but your daughter too. Either that or someone is blackmailing you, does the person who insisted on this really having something big that they’re holding over you? You mention a child, but is it your child? If not then really OP, please get him to leave immediately. There is nothing that can justify this.

This, how absolutely appalling and what a way for the dd who lives with you to know you place her sibling and niece far above her in the level of importance in the family.
“no he can’t live with them due to his behaviours, but I’m not bothered about bringing those behaviours to you”. No wonder she’s in her room every night from 8pm!

Actually with an arsehole like this, no won’t work. Tell him you expect him to leave by x date - no more than five days. Then get the locks changed, pack his stuff and put him out. In the daytime if possible but whatever works.

Tell him he needs to leave, if he refuses call the police to get him out. Its not your problem op, he pays for a flat he can live there.

I wondered if the man can't stay at home due to social work considering him a risk to the child. Or a bail.condtion that requires him to live elsewhere

OP, on MN, people often say "you need to do X right now". I'd probably give him 48 hrs notice but he does need to leave. He's causing trouble in your home. That's not acceptable

Ive just told him it’s unacceptable and he told me to shush.

I would say to him this mornng

I am not being "shushed'' in my own home at 2am, your behaviour is making me and my daughter unhappy, so you need to find somewhere else to live this weekend.

if he comes back with anything - don't argue, just repeat, you are making us unhappy in our own home so its is now time to leave. Repeat as often as needed - don't get into arguments.

@WhyAreWeLikeThis can you see that this is blackmail? And that your daughter is weaponising your grandchild to get you to do what she wants?
The backstory of this man's behaviour is presumably connected to why he's living with you not her.
Gently, I think you have to steel yourself to tough this one out as this is abuse. Pack his bags, get the locks changed while he's at work and leave them outside. Call the police if he kicks off. And tell your daughter that you love her and your grandchild but won't be held to ransom.
It's her drama not yours and she's an adult. Not your responsibility to take on her poor choices.

I’m not surprised you’re feeling discombobulated; there’s a lot going on for you and you DD who’s at home. The DD living out has put you in a very difficult position but if he can’t live with her should she really be continuing a relationship with him? Maybe extracting him from your life will help her extract him from hers. As others have said I’d involve your ex-DH (I’m assuming he’s dad to both daughters given you were married such a long time). I’m imagining he has a good idea of the situation and can help get this man out. I ageee with others that your ‘living out dd’ won’t cut you off or forbid you to see your grandchild and if she does it won’t be for long. Does she really want this man in her life or is he being coercive?

get a locksmith this morning to change the lock - don't give him a key

I wondered this too

Get the girl’s Dad onside to help & get rid of him. It’s not fair on either of you. Do it today. Good luck op! Keep us posted.

So he's your DD partner?

I'm not sure why him being in your home is a condition of you seeing the grandchild/ren? In fact I'm not sure how this whole situation came to be in the first place?

Surely your own DD knows what a useless, feckless, dope smoking, man child he is so she wouldn't inflict him on you?

Unless you've changed a few details and he's actually your child (and his ex has said he is only allowed to see his child/ren whilst living with you) this doesn't make sense?

He told you to shush about his selfish behaviour in someone else's home? 😡 I'd be seeing red at that – bags packed and out the door. What an entitled moron (him, not you).

I'd be rethinking my relationship with the family member as well, it sounds like they are treating you like dirt too.