What is reasonable for a ‘guest’ to do

[WhyAreWeLikeThis]

I’m struggling, and I’m aware I’m pathetic but I don’t know what’s normal.

I have a houseguest as a favour to a family member. This person is not related to me, and is not paying rent although sometimes picks up milk

I live here with my adult daughter (also not connected to him). It’s a quiet house in a quiet neighbourhood. Daughter works long hours and is in bed by 8 (playing the sims or animal crossing I think, but goes to sleep at ten). Im up much later

He is very noisy at night, he drinks a lot, smokes weed - not in my house but brings the smell in with him, he told me it was outdoor plants but I’ve lived here 20 years, I know what it is, and I know people don’t mind weed, but I hate it. Also he plays very loud shouty games with friends in the early hours, and gets takeaways delivered at 2am (doorbell wakes my daughter)

Ive just told him it’s unacceptable and he told me to shush.

My daughter won’t say anything to him because she hates confrontation. I don’t like it either obviously. She gets really angry with me

Person we’re doing the favour for has said she doesn’t want to hear my drama. If it wasn’t for this there would be no drama

I swing between thinking I'm overreacting and wanting him to leave immediately

I’m not used to houseguests apart from the kids having sleepovers when they were younger and I’m not naturally hospitable so genuinely don’t know what’s normal

Of course it makes sense. The man has done something dangerous but the daughter doesn't want to accept it/doesn't think it's that bad/doesn't want him 'punished'/doesn't want him homeless so she's manipulated her mother into providing a home for him until she can get away with moving him back in with her would be my best guess as to what's happening. A sadly plausible scenario.

You are being abused. He needs to go today. Not tomorrow, not at the end of February (or summer….. WTF??!!!). Today.

In your shoes I would pack his stuff while he is out and get the locks changed.

Call the police if he makes trouble.

And once he’s gone and you’ve had a few days to recalibrate, read The Six Pillars of Self Esteem. 💐

Blimey.

My mind didn't even give there.

It's much more horrific if this is the case. Poor OP.

This. Tell him today that he has to leave today. If you are concerned he will be aggressive or intimidating then can you ask a friend to be present and see him off the premises?

And don’t bother trying to reset and have house rules as it won’t work. He’s clearly an entitled arse who doesn’t even have the decency to behave with respect in a rent-free home. Don’t even get me started on “shush”.

The relative who dumped him on you does not have your best interests at heart. If the cuckoo moans about having nowhere to go then point him towards the relative.

Your house. Your rules. You have a non paying tenant. You have done your duty for relatives by housing this child in an adult body. Now it's time to say "bye" and "get your own place". and "i want you out by friday" and "my relatives will help you move out" and "if you don't move by friday all your belongings will be in the driveway". Then go ahead and do exactly that. It's your place. Your rules. Disrespect those rules and it's bye bye...

This is awful. Please tell him he has to go. Today! It’s your home and he is being totally disrespectful. Any refusal and I think you should call the police. Change your locks also.
If you were reading this as an outsider, I am sure you would be saying kick them out. I know that’s easier said than done, but this person is not a house guest they are almost holding you prisoner in your home (keeping you up at night, stressing you out - never mind the weed!).

He sounds a complete waste of space kick him out, if necessary get your DD and GC to move in with you. He sounds abusive abd would want my DD anywhere near him. Telling you to “shush” he can fuck right off

They’re pulling a fast one. If you want to be amenable. You can say these are the house rules. If he doesn’t comply give him 2 weeks notice.

but regardless. You agreed to end of feb. There is no option to extend. If you feel to afraid to do it over phone send a text.

Hi Family,

I have agreed till end of feb. Since he has been here his behaviour has been antisocial, rude and dirty. I will not have him here a past the first week of February. It’s up to you two to sort out alternative arrangements. No need to text back as I’m not willing to discuss or compromise on this. You have until Feb 4th.

thanks
whyarewelikethis

I would give him 48 hours. Say his stuff will be put outside and the locks changed. Make sure you’re both out of the house when that deadline is up. Contact the police if you feel threatened. Don’t be blackmailed. If someone is using this situation by the threat of withdrawing contact with a child then that’s not healthy or normal, and maybe social services need to be notified.

This is totally unacceptable! I would not be happy about this .Your poor DD .Working all week and stuck with him at WE.Sure relative doesnt want any "Drama"I would say its not working for you end of .Maybe see if a friend can back you .He needs to go pronto!

And if he doesn't go call the police.

Get him out

No he needs to leave now, arrange for his things to be packed, you may have to do this and order a taxi for the items to be taken to the person (your daughter?) who asked you to take him in

Where he goes is his business.

Change the locks, get everything planned first

I would not give him options of staying a few days and sorting himself out. That is asking for trouble. He’s obviously abusive in some shape or form and I’d be concerned he’d get violent. He needs to leave as soon as you tell him to, immediately. Better yet, you and your exdh pack his stuff up, change the locks and refuse readmittance.

Get your ex to come round and help, or someone else, he’s to leave today. There’s a balance here between your safety and wellbeing and that of, presumably, your other daughter. She’s made bad choices, support her but not to this extent or like this. She’ll still need your help and will come back.

This is not a houseguest, this is a freeloading stranger. He has to leave immediately. Do you have family or friends to back you up to get him and all his possessions out? If not, you may have to call the police, he has no right to be there. And as for the so-called "friend" who foisted him on you, block them and have nothing further to do with them.

This. Do it now op.

Bye, that's not a guest, it is verging on parasitic. A guest should bring joy, not grief. Bags packed, door open, kick!

I'm aghast that you have literally let this man disrespect you, saying shush and he is still there????

Where is your spine woman? And the person you're doing the favour for can bloody sod off too. They can have him.

Get rid of him like yesterday. Don't be so bloody wet.

Im sorry, what? You are paying for this no mark to stay in your home rent free, and feeding him?
He tells you to "shush"? He doesn't want your drama? WTF? who even is he?
Can you get a couple of male friends/relatives round to shift him?
I dont mean this in a sexist way but someone with an attitude like this parasite need to be marched out by someone bigger an stronger otherwise they will continue to take the piss. Get your locks changed as well. You and your daughter cant live like this. Its ridiculous to expect you to

Get him out now. He wont leave in the summer. This will keep going. All that will happen is your daughter will move out before he does. Plus you are just teaching her to be quiet and put up with rude horrible behaviour from men.
200 a month is nothing . Awful the person making you do this and the man himself.

Your title is 'What is it reasonable for a 'guest' to do'. A guest should be quiet, offer to help around the house, not disturb other occupants, not do anything illegal, perhaps give small gifts or cook a meal or get a takeaway for the host occasionally, be respectful, and be grateful for your kindness and generosity. I don't think your 'guest' is anything like that. He should go.

I doubt that you need to worry about threats that you won't see your grandchild. I suspect you're far too valuable to your daughter as a babysitter for her to bin you off.

There was obviously a big problem with him living with your other DD to the point where he is “not allowed to live with her” anymore. So fairly serious. But all he/your DD have done is move the problem of this man onto you and your other DD. His behaviour is totally unreasonable, but when you try and say so you’re silenced. Told to shush! Told to stop making a drama.

You are not making a drama. This man is a problem. No reason why he should be your problem. Or your other DD’s. Why can’t he take responsibility for his behaviour? Why is it left to your DD to find somewhere else for him to go? Why is it his MIL who has to house him and his problem behaviour? Why do women have to pick up and put up with grown men who can’t behave like respectful human beings?

He is an adult. He is not your problem. You are being coerced and guilted and bullied into putting up with something you do not want. Nor your other DD.

You need a plan. If you’re not mentally strong enough to action it yourself then absolutely get your ex involved. I am slightly worried about him not being allowed to live with your DD and his DC. Is there DA involved? Is there a chance he could become unstable? In which case I would think carefully about how to get him out. Either give him until x date (a week?) to find alternative lodgings or just boot him out and change the locks when he is out. I guess there are risks either way. If you opt for the first one, he may not go quietly. If you opt for the second your DD may blame you for making him homeless. Either way I think you need to make the right plan for you. Involve your DD and ex and decide what to do between you. You don’t have to face this alone. Your other DD shouldn’t have put you in this position. I don’t know what she’s going through, but it was very selfish of her. And if you’re being blackmailed into putting up with it or risk not seeing your DGC then she is not a good person.

Please get some people in your corner and make a plan.

If this man isn't allowed in your daughter's house in order to safeguard your child, I suspect Social Services would take a dim view of her twisting your arm to house him. They almost certainly want to see that she has cut him off completely. You could try pointing that out to her.

"SHUSH"?! Nope, he needs to go. What a disgusting ingrate.