What is reasonable for a ‘guest’ to do

[WhyAreWeLikeThis]

I’m struggling, and I’m aware I’m pathetic but I don’t know what’s normal.

I have a houseguest as a favour to a family member. This person is not related to me, and is not paying rent although sometimes picks up milk

I live here with my adult daughter (also not connected to him). It’s a quiet house in a quiet neighbourhood. Daughter works long hours and is in bed by 8 (playing the sims or animal crossing I think, but goes to sleep at ten). Im up much later

He is very noisy at night, he drinks a lot, smokes weed - not in my house but brings the smell in with him, he told me it was outdoor plants but I’ve lived here 20 years, I know what it is, and I know people don’t mind weed, but I hate it. Also he plays very loud shouty games with friends in the early hours, and gets takeaways delivered at 2am (doorbell wakes my daughter)

Ive just told him it’s unacceptable and he told me to shush.

My daughter won’t say anything to him because she hates confrontation. I don’t like it either obviously. She gets really angry with me

Person we’re doing the favour for has said she doesn’t want to hear my drama. If it wasn’t for this there would be no drama

I swing between thinking I'm overreacting and wanting him to leave immediately

I’m not used to houseguests apart from the kids having sleepovers when they were younger and I’m not naturally hospitable so genuinely don’t know what’s normal

Yes he’s the girls dad and the house is half his. He’s already said he’s happy to change the locks. We’re on good terms

Great! Ask him to come round tomorrow immediately to remove this cheeky fucker out of your property.

The sooner the better.

👏👏👏

As he’s your dd’s dad, I’d ask him to either house the cheeky fucker or help you to kick him out.

Are the rude guest's partner and child safe with him if he goes back to live with them? It sounds like they might not be. Definitely kick rude guest's out but you might want to warn rude man's partner/ your relative in advance so they can push back on him trying to move back in with them? Rude man will have to make his own arrangements.

I would definitely get ex h on board here- today if necessary, speak to him, and get the ball rolling. You're being made responsible for a situation you didn't create and your good nature is being totally abused by more than just your unwanted, rude and inconsiderate temporary lodger....!

He goes today. You are being taken for a complete fool. A couple of days would be long enough with a person like this. Tell him he goes, have your phone with you when you say it, record him if necessary so you can show others what he's like, and call the police the moment he behaves badly about it.

He is bullying you in your own home (and your daughter). Has he been chucked out of your relative's home for domestic abuse there? No need to answer that but something to think about.
Also, as uneasy as it is to hear - if you feel you wouldn't get to see the child unless you tolerate being bullied by this man, then they are the type of people who will always find some reason to withhold the child from you unfortunately.
I would just chuck him out today. Pack his things whilst he works if that's possible today. Good luck. Call the police if need be.

It can feel really hard to summon the courage up to be foreceful with someone like this. But once you so, I promise you will feel like the Queen of the World!! You've got this. Chuck his stuff out, change the locks, get your ex round for support. Tell your relative you don't want to hear their drama if they complain. If the man say anything to you, tell him to shush.

Is he on bail? Has he abused your daughter or granddaughter and you're housing him on bail at your daughter's request? Because if so that is an INSANE situation and you need to contact the police and tell them you can no longer provide a bail address. He will have to find somewhere else. Your daughter is asking far too much of you with this.

You know this person's situation is really not your problem OP. Time to remove the parasite.

Firstly you are not pathetic, you are being taken advantage of.

You absolutely should not and do not have to put up with this!!!! Get him out asap and go back to living a peaceful life with your daughter. Your home is your sanctuary and it is being completely invaded right now. I honestly don’t know how you’ve put up with this since Oct. And what does he mean it might be until summer?! It’s your home and your rules. Nobody should be forcing this on you, it’s plain wrong.

So sorry you’re going through this it’s really crap. Time to do what’s right for you.

If she would stop you seeing a child and isn't interested in hearing your 'drama' that she has caused, she shouldn't be someone you want much contact with anyway as she clearly doesn't care about you.

Get him out, move on with your life and be happy - you deserve some happiness, not tip-toeing around your own house!

Tell him to leave.

I agree about asking exH for back up if you’re on good terms, especially as it’s his house too and your daughter is so upset about it all.

sorry you’ve had such an awful time of it OP. Maybe once this guy is gone you’ll be able to think clearly again. Xx

So your son in law can’t live with your DD because social services deem him a risk or similar. Your DD says if he can’t live with you then you can’t see your grandkid. Tell her to take a running jump and that he is OUT. If he can’t live with her due to safeguarding and she’s staying in a relationship with him she’s a shit mum anyway.

He's an absolute fucking prick with a brass neck, how dare he abuse your hospitality and belittle you in your own home! He goes and he goes now. His problems are not yours.

Shame on your other daughter for emotionally blackmailing you, she sounds like a piece of work too.

Glad your ex husband is going to back you up here. You and your DD deserve peace in your own home.

I can’t get over the fact he lives with you rent free but can happily afford to buy himself alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, take aways etc. He only gets milk if he’s the one who needs it presumably and he’s already drunk all yours.

He’s soaking up your electricity, hot water, heating - does he buy his own food/ do his own laundry? I can’t believe he’s had this massive favour of free, comfortable accommodation and he is shitting all over your huge generosity. He could be on the street or a shitty hostel where he’d be paying for laundry and everything else!

What an entitled wanker.

I doubt your daughter would cut you off from her child OP, unless it involved cutting off her nose to spite her face - I’m guessing you provide a lot of free childcare and ‘gifts’ in that direction which she’d be a fool to lose, even if it was to make a point.

Give him a leaving date and change locks that day. Good luck!

Op learning to not have your dh help/ do things is so hard and you were shoved into it, I will say it’s life changing when you start finding it easier x It’s good you have a date of February- simply keep saying ‘you said February’ and get rid of. If necessary say ‘I’m sorry I don’t want to have to ask the police to help’ as your final comment. With the weed that should get them running faster. Best of luck and get that home back!

You have got to get this selfish lump out of your house - btw I would never have agreed in the first place. You could lose your daughter through this too. Give yourself a good talking to, psych yourself up for the action you’ve got to take and do it FAST! Be strong you can do it.

Wow! OP, you sound absolutely lovely and I think that is part of the issue here. You are being kind and trying to support others but at the detriment to yourself and your DD. He is not even paying rent so there is no reason to keep him.

Ask your ex-husband for back up and do this together. I’m sorry this causes you worry in terms of seeing your grandchild but you need to focus on the here and now rather than ‘what might happen’. Don’t let anxiety about the future stop you from acting in the present. How dare your other daughter dictate who you have in your home? He needs to go. He is not your responsibility.

Look after yourself. 💐

This. 100 times over. This sounds like a horribly abusive situation for you @WhyAreWeLikeThis you need to call time on it now.

So for whatever reason he can't live with your daughter & their child so your daughter asked you?

What a bloody cheek.

She doesn't think much of you does she?

He obviously doesn't either!

Hope you manage to get rid very soon.

Why on earth are you allowing this??
Get him out today!

This sounds very messy and distressing. Essentially, you don't have any safe space at the moment. I'm also concerned that you mention being on good terms with your ex after your marriage of 30 years ended but you also feel completely lost and like a shadow of your old self. You've also got lots of other stuff going on.

You might want to talk to an organisation like Women's Aid, because they're confidential and they will listen to you and help you think through options. I'd say this is domestic abuse, albeit a complex sort.

And you also might consider self referring or asking your doctor to refer you to a short course of CBT. I get the sense that you're disappearing in all of this having had a major life change and while trying to help everyone else with their problems. CBT could be a start in the process of you finding your feet and your voice.