My life is a shambles and I am frozen

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I will try to articulate this as best I can but I don’t really know where to start.

I am 41. I am married and we have two girls, they are 11 and 9. I work full time in a high pressure office job (WFH one day per week).

On paper, my life looks good, pretty standard really. I think that people think that whilst I am a bit socially awkward (and fat), I generally have it together. My girls are the centre of my life and want for nothing. I’m performing well at work. Marriage is good, happy, husband is great, really hands on and practical, matches me 50/50 in the house (but admittedly probably not on mental load).

Inside, I am screaming.

I don’t sleep enough. This is an issue that’s getting worse. I am overweight. I don’t think my husband fancies me any more. He says he’s tired of me moaning about myself, being so negative, and not doing something about it, which I get, but my energy is utterly zapped by work and the kids, house etc.

My 9 year old, as adored as she is, is mega, mega intense and I find myself on eggshells around her. She’s just in my face all the time, constantly wanting attention (which she gets plenty of), constantly on the go and constantly talking. Won’t accept the slightest hint of criticism and shouts at you if she perceives that you are saying anything negative about her (I mean a neural comment such as “can you put your shoes in the hall” can elicit a furious response). She has a terrible temper (which we are working on) but as guilty as I feel saying this, she is just wearing me down. I love her so much.

The two of them have also started staying up really late, they have good bedtime routines but they just don’t want to go to sleep. So I don’t get any time to myself. Which is why I stay up.

I need to lose weight, get fit, be healthy but I don’t even know where to begin with it. I feel utterly frozen it’s like I know I need to go and do this but I just can’t. I’m so overwhelmed.

My husband is great but my god he simply doesn’t get it and I can’t explain it to him.

😂

Theres always one.

Maybe some of us have lived with know. So recognise it. People are suggesting not ‘diagnosing’

I think there's probably quite a few of us who think the mumsnet answer to every problem is ritalin (or WLIs)

My adhd child is definitely stimulated by audiobooks rather than falling asleep. Reading to them helps a lot, but not audiobooks.

I also give them saffron supplements. Not sure if they work! But they say they help them sleep!

I’m sure someone else must have mentioned this but just in case not (I’ve read through and couldn’t immediately see this), ND children often have huge trouble sleeping. Both of my ASD children (one of whom has suspected ADHD) have always really struggled with getting to sleep and when they were younger staying asleep. Melatonin helped them massively. They’d fall asleep like “normal” children would and then stay asleep. We had to get their psychiatrist to prescribe it for them but it made an absolute world of difference in our house and not only for me but for them. They were exhausted but just couldn’t really get to sleep.

Both of my two were diagnosed late (aged 10 DS and aged 13 DD). It came as a big surprise to both me and DH. But a few years on, I can’t quite see how we didn’t know but hindsight is 20/20 vision.

I think you need time off from work for a start. As if sounds like you are incredibly stressed. Stress is a valid reason for sick leave. Start by signing yourself off for 7 days to get some headspace?

When one is tired and worn down you don’t have the motivation to make changes and willpower is at a low ebb. When one is rested and in a more even keel it is far easier to make changes, lose weight etc.

Wishing you loads of luck and sorry I can’t be more constructive.

I’m really sorry you are experiencing this. I felt similar and it was really burnout and stress. I needed a medical reset. I wonder if you are in the early phases of it. I would suggest you talk to your GP if you are ready.
You can’t change other people you can only build your resilience to cope with challenge and decide on your priorities. At the moment you are too exhausted to make the changes you know you need to do to improve things. I suggest you look it up and see if it fits with how you feel.

If you are unhappy with your life, you won’t lose weight as it’s one more thing, and losing weight won’t fix your life it’ll still be the same, you need to address why you aren’t exercising regularly and eating more than you need otherwise and you’ll just regain it or get an eating disorder. especially as people will wave temptation in front of you all the time.

For me the GP confirming burnout was so helpful as it meant others took me seriously. But I left it too late because I was scared of admitting it and it took longer to recover. Hope you are able to find support you need.

OP sorry you’re having a time of it ! I haven’t read all responses so apologies if it’s already been mentioned .
Could you be Peri Menopausal ? If you want to check out symptoms I use the Balance App,by Dr Louise Newson.

A few other random things to consider trying,(apologies if any repeats here I haven't finished the whole thread).

I would get your vit d, b12, thyroid, iron, ferritin etc checked.

Book a full body massage and see how you sleep after it.

Try a weighted blanket (for you and dd) for decompression time before bed.

Is your youngest active enough, could she fit in a walk with your DH before bed?

Yeah honestly the only way my (almost) 6yr old goes to sleep is if someone gives him a cuddle in bed and he soon drifts off.
I look at it as a bit of bonding time between us and will be unlikely it will last forever!

OP your 9yr old sounds like mine, lovely but demanding! He requires constant attention, it means our needs are put second. If you can carve out any time for you, i.e. a running slot or a time to go gym I think this is the way forward. Like they say, you can't pour from an empty cup.