My life is a shambles and I am frozen

[ThisIsAGlobalPlayerOriginalPodcast]

I will try to articulate this as best I can but I don’t really know where to start.

I am 41. I am married and we have two girls, they are 11 and 9. I work full time in a high pressure office job (WFH one day per week).

On paper, my life looks good, pretty standard really. I think that people think that whilst I am a bit socially awkward (and fat), I generally have it together. My girls are the centre of my life and want for nothing. I’m performing well at work. Marriage is good, happy, husband is great, really hands on and practical, matches me 50/50 in the house (but admittedly probably not on mental load).

Inside, I am screaming.

I don’t sleep enough. This is an issue that’s getting worse. I am overweight. I don’t think my husband fancies me any more. He says he’s tired of me moaning about myself, being so negative, and not doing something about it, which I get, but my energy is utterly zapped by work and the kids, house etc.

My 9 year old, as adored as she is, is mega, mega intense and I find myself on eggshells around her. She’s just in my face all the time, constantly wanting attention (which she gets plenty of), constantly on the go and constantly talking. Won’t accept the slightest hint of criticism and shouts at you if she perceives that you are saying anything negative about her (I mean a neural comment such as “can you put your shoes in the hall” can elicit a furious response). She has a terrible temper (which we are working on) but as guilty as I feel saying this, she is just wearing me down. I love her so much.

The two of them have also started staying up really late, they have good bedtime routines but they just don’t want to go to sleep. So I don’t get any time to myself. Which is why I stay up.

I need to lose weight, get fit, be healthy but I don’t even know where to begin with it. I feel utterly frozen it’s like I know I need to go and do this but I just can’t. I’m so overwhelmed.

My husband is great but my god he simply doesn’t get it and I can’t explain it to him.

It sounds to me like you've just got too much on your palate to cope with and something has to give, for the sake of your physical and mental health. Could you afford to take a sabbatical from work or consider going part time maybe?

Absolutely my thoughts too. I have a 10 yr old daughter and she has ADHD and your description is exactly my experience. The temper being so short and the big reactions to perceived criticism can be RSD, rejection sensitivity disorder. The pushing back on limits and being asked to do things can be demand avoidance.
I'll say this too, my daughter inherited it from me and my husband.
The frozen response you describe is very much my experience of AdHD.
One of the worst aspects also. Especially when it comes to changing my habits and ways of managing stress.
You have to find a hack, a form off exercise that takes your interest and sort of becomes your special interest.
Then if you're like me it then swings the other way and everything ends up revolving around that hobby.
It sounds like you've made work and your daughters your special interest.
My life is just one big see saw between whatever becomes my laser focus that month.
Alot of times I have little control of what is the laser focus that month.
However being a mum to my 3 kids is my one unwavering focus.
It's exhausting and I'm medicated.
You may see some of these things in your daughter/s.
Inattentive is also common in girls, meaning they will forget things if it's not glued to their hands.
One way to get unstuck is to get stuck in to something out of your normal zone of attention. Something new.
Maybe this could be something to follow up.

a couple of practical tips from me ( 2 of my three children struggle to sleep, as do I). calm carry has worked wonders for my 11 year old, also a weighted blanket and magnesium tablets.

re weight loss injections, you work and if you want to give it a go, don't let anyone stop you! I have a couple of friends on wli and the money they save on the food shop almost covers the cost.

alternatively, I can recommend the human being diet, I lost a chunk of weight on that and no cost, except the book .

edited to add, could you see a PT a couple of times a week too?

good luck, it sounds like a very stressful situation

WLIs are wholly your decision but if you can afford them, consider them. I can't emphasise how life changing they have been for me. I always say they worked in the same way as anxiety meds did for me - they give you time and mental space to make changes in the way you want to. Your weight, health and wellbeing clearly need to be a priority for you and your husband should support you in that if that's the decision you make. If 'just run' or 'eat this and not that' worked so easily, you'd have already done it - and I don't doubt you've tried.

Wow thank you all so much for these responses. I could actually cry, reading through them. I feel so heard/seen.

To answer some points:

My husband isn’t a bad guy, but yes, sometimes I feel a bit impotent around him. Like his way always seems to go, and I don’t really know why. That might be more about me than him, to be fair, I am a horrible people pleaser (childhood issues) and find it very difficult to go against him. So I just tend to go along with things.

With WLIs I think he doesn’t know much about them and worries about side effects/long term implications as well as the financial side (our finances are joint, everything in one pot). He doesn’t take big amounts of time for himself either, and he will gladly give me time and space to exercise/go out etc. However…I don’t really have any friends. I don’t have the mental energy for them and I find it very hard to maintain friendships. I have some “mum friends” I can chat to at the school gate etc but I am quite socially awkward and self conscious. I just find it all difficult.

I banned YouTube a long time ago because my youngest was obsessed with it and I didn’t like the impact it had on her behaviour. This was a good move. They have a Switch that they play, but they aren’t over the top with it. The TV is their main screen time i would say.

The stuff about 9 being ND is blowing my mind a bit. I’ve been reading and wow, does some of it resonate. Today is a new day. The girls go back to school tomorrow and I’ve taken the day off for myself.

You sound like I was 7 years ago. Ask GP for thyroid function test. Turns out mine was under active. I’m fine now (and 5 stone lighter).

Some kind of physical activity clubs you could all get involved in in the evening which would exhaust you all and knock you out for beddtime ? Inirially difficult but would reap long rermrwwards. Dance, jazz dance etc ? Fast paced and fun.

Also I have wondered about whether I am perimenopausal. My periods are fine but I am definitely ruled by my hormones at times. I will make a GP appointment.

@ThisIsAGlobalPlayerOriginalPodcast it definitely sounds like there's neurodivergence going on in your family - possibly with you and your husband too. Recognising that and understanding the traits will really help you.

We got ds diagnosed at 13 (ADHD) as he was the most problematic, but we've since realised we're all ND in some way (dd was diagnosed ADHD at 20, I'm most likely ADHD too and dh autistic). Sleep was always problematic with both my two and I spent so much time stressed/worried/feeling guilty about it, which didn't actually help at all!

Dd never needed much sleep and has always been capable of getting up and on with her day however little sleep she's had (even if she did sometimes nod off in lessons!). She's still chaotic and useless with routines at 21! I should have just not worried about her, as to be honest both dh and I are similar in some ways and we've somehow got through life! She generally stayed in her room, so I wish I'd just left her to it instead of worrying and nagging her to sleep.

Ds is the opposite - really struggles to get on with his day if he's sleep deprived, but has always struggled to get to sleep at a decent time. I should have looked into solutions earlier; he finally fixed things towards the end of sixth form with blackout blinds, an eye mask and ear plugs. I think because I felt that dd was a hopeless case (nothing she's ever tried has worked!), I didn't try hard enough with ds earlier on. But again, the worrying was a waste of time!

I'd definitely recommend reading up about ADHD and autism and thinking about whether you recognise traits in your youngest - but also, the rest of you. Knowing I'm ADHD and my mind works differently has really helped me understand myself and be more forgiving. You realise you've been holding yourself up to the wrong standards - other NT people's standards, which you'll never be able to meet!

This resonates sooo much with me. I can get very laser focused on certain things and it dominates my life and then it passes (my mum says I’ve done this all my life). I am obsessive about work and my girls, that doesn’t seem to pass (probably a good thing) and my standards for myself are (apparently) unrealistically high.

Funnily enough my eldest, who is very bright, would forget her head if it wasn’t attached to her.

Exercise - 30 minutes of walking, every day if you can manage it but at least 3-4 times per week. You need to calorie count, yes it's a pain to start with but as time goes on, you learn. You are currently consuming more calories than you are burning.

Light weight training is excellent for burning fat and calories - buy some 1kg, 2kg and 5kg weights. I follow someone on YouTube, who does several routines for upper and lower body. Ideally walking and weights is what you need but if you can't manage that, then do the weights on the days you aren't walking. The routines don't need to be long 20-30 minutes at the very most. You need to do weights a minimum of three times per week.

You need to start prioritising you, and you do have time, you need to set that time aside. If that means your husband has to take over parenting duties for 30 minutes, then so be it.

Consistency is the key, and yes the weights will absolutely kill you to start with but within 6-8 weeks, you will start seeing changes, especially if you are sorting your nutrition out too. Yes, you can have a bar of chocolate or a packet of crisps, but it's part of your daily calorie intake, as is a glass of wine. Lots of protein, as it keeps you full for longer!

Your daughter sounds as if she could be ADHD. Many children who have it, struggle with sleep and/or don't need a lot of sleep. The constant attention, being on the go all the time, unable to regulate her emotions and the anger are all signs.

It’s sometimes not as easy as “go for a run” it’s the way your body is storing fat because of high cortisol (from stress) I would invest the money into WLI and once you have got some confidence back you will be able to incorporate exercise into your routine . I had a husband saying the same thing to me and I’m so glad I didn’t listen to him . Invest in it for yourself . It also has helped with my hormonal imbalance I don’t feel as “all over the place” as I did before .

I couldn't run until I had lost some weight. Its a bit of a vicious circle in that way.

I also sleep better than I have in my life since taking Mounjaro.

You will never lose weight or feel not stressed if you’re not sleeping enough - this has to be your priority.

You don’t need injections.
Once you start sleeping better, you will see the weight fall off.

Women in particular gain weight when they are stressed.
Injecting drugs to reduce your appetite isn’t a long term solution - you need to be less stressed.

2nd children are always more fiery than the 1st born.
She may or may not have ADHD but strategies you use for ADHD can often help non ADHD kids too and so they are worth a try.

But ultimately she is not having to work a FT job, raise 2 kids and run a household.
Her not getting enough sleep is going to affect her less than it would you (it will be affecting her but not as much).

You need to put her to bed and then go to bed yourself - read, unwind and have an early night.

You staying up late with her isn’t helping her sleep.
Alternate nights between you and DH even to put her back to bed.

I would also prioritise going for a 20min walk every day.

I have a very stressful job and I’m a single parent but I’m very rarely stressed out and I swear by exercise and sticking my headphones on (you might prefer silence).

I enjoy the gym but there’s something about being out in the fresh air and marching that makes me feel so much better.

Well I would also start to look into your elder daughter because inattentive ADHD in girls gets so overlooked, especially if their bright.
You might find that her teachers get frustrated that she sometimes isn't able to listen fully or follow through on work. So she may have trouble finishing essays or completing projects she's into.
And if she struggles to listen or forgets important things, then that might require following up.
I'm a big, big believer in getting diagnosed.
I was not till my 50's and my effing god how different my self esteem and life would have been if I'd known.
I have a son with autism and suspected ADHD, my daughter is in the process of right to choose assessment and my 7yr old is showing possible hyper ADHD.
My big focus is getting them diagnosed and therefore help for their life and school.
But yes being frozen/stuck is a very common experience for me.
It will be in waves and this won't be the last time you will feel this way.
What I've found that changes for me, is I know this and can hack it. Sometimes not straight away but it gets quicker.
You may also find that keeping track of diaries, school mental load and your own personal care is very tricky for you and not forgetting things takes extra effort.
Especially if you have never known this about yourself.
Good luck and best wishes for you. It's a learning curve of sadness and grieving and then empowered thinking.
And also you will be doing the work of helping your daughters manage their own possible neurodivergence tendencies.
This is huge extra parenting stress that other parents don't know about.
Your parenting x3 stress levels. Keep that in your mind.

I think you need to try and set some boundaries. I know that can be hard but putting everyone else's needs first is just not sustainable in the long run and causes burnout and resentments and traps you in this cycle of feeling stuck and powerless to take control of your life. If you take a little step back, even just mentally, it will help you and lighten the burden. Kids benefit from boundaries too.

Maybe your girls are a bit too old for this, but thinking smart and trying to kill two birds with one stone, have you thought about an after dinner, pre bedtime walk? You and the kids, or the whole family? We used to do this when ours were not sleeping so well. It really helped from an exercise and family bonding point of view.

Or even throw a frisbee around or kick a ball about the garden?

@ThisIsAGlobalPlayerOriginalPodcast
You say you turn off DCs audio books. I actually fall asleep listening to sleepcasts, podcasts or TV in the background. Not everyone needs silence to fall asleep.

Headspace has sleepcasts designed for children.

WRT weight loss - I finally found intermittent fasting worked for me. Along with making sure I ate high protein and as much unprocessed food as possible proper greek youghurt with chia seeds flaked almonds berries is very filling and can be easily grabbed at work.

Can you book a fitness class in the evenings? Your DH can deal with bedtime. When I was losing weight I started doing aqua HIIT, aqua pilates and aqua Zumba. Classes are nearly all women and if there are any men they are much older. I found it very body positive and fun the water makes it easier in joints and you don't get support sweaty. It also gives you time away from the children and you'll feel better in yourself after the exercise, a booked and paid for class isn't as easy to put off as a run . I also met some really nice people.

Honestly- Mounjaro. This may be exactly what you need for your health and wellbeing and self esteem.
your weight is getting you down so this is what I would prioritise if I were you.

Get yourself on Mounjaro and get some form of exercise going.

Can you 'kill two birds with one stone' here, and spend some proper quality time with the youngest, whilst doing some exercise? Either join a club or gym where you both do an activity or class a couple times a week, and on the walk/ drive there and back, have no phones, just talking. Alternatively, do a half hour or hour walk as part of the evening routine - again no phones, no tech, just the two of you, walking and chatting. Then once back home, still no screens, and bedtime routine starts immediately - hot drink, bath, etc. I think a lot of people will say 'we spend lots of time together' but it's not always quality time, as there's usually other stuff happening, or phones taking the attention away.
You could also build in some quality (no-tech) time with cooking together, setting some 2026 goals (lots of bingo cards with goals online this year - you could include spend more time with daughter as one of yours, which could prompt a discussion about what you both want to do together, but also stuff like 'get a new hobby' 'eat more vegetables' or 'get more sleep' which could help the discussion on bedtimes etc), doing some arts and crafts etc. Stuff which you actually do, not just 'watching tv'.

If there's things you feel are really important about bedtime (eg no audiobooks after a certain time), physically remove that thing from the room, so it's not an option. If it's I don't want them reading after 9:30pm, at 9:30pm you go in, and remove the book, turn the light off and say goodnight. You can't force them to sleep, but you can remove all the other options which would contribute to not wanting to sleep. Put any tech devices downstairs, or in your bedroom to charge, so they've not got them to play with. Also try to limit tech before bed, and for the youngest, it may be worth re-assessing the bedtime routine to include some quality time (with either parent), at 9 you might want to look at reading a story or writing a journal together before bed - she might feel too old for it, but it's something most kids enjoy, even if they feel a bit old for it, but when it's done, it's done and she's left to sleep, or read alone for 15 minutes or whatever the routine is.
I'd also agree with other posters that you need a routine yourself too, where you don't give into the requests unless it's an emergency, which should hopefully let you sleep better too.

Sorry, I haven't read all your replies but just came on to extend a hug of solidarity. Everything you've written resonates with me on way or another. Although here I also have issue with relationships, depression and extreme health anxiety. Fun! I hope 2026 will be the year when we can break through and become happier. I think starting small is key. Try to use Chat GPT maybe for to create a yearly / monthyl plan for starting small. I am aiming at healthy breakfasts and a litlle movement every day to start with.