My life is a shambles and I am frozen

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I will try to articulate this as best I can but I don’t really know where to start.

I am 41. I am married and we have two girls, they are 11 and 9. I work full time in a high pressure office job (WFH one day per week).

On paper, my life looks good, pretty standard really. I think that people think that whilst I am a bit socially awkward (and fat), I generally have it together. My girls are the centre of my life and want for nothing. I’m performing well at work. Marriage is good, happy, husband is great, really hands on and practical, matches me 50/50 in the house (but admittedly probably not on mental load).

Inside, I am screaming.

I don’t sleep enough. This is an issue that’s getting worse. I am overweight. I don’t think my husband fancies me any more. He says he’s tired of me moaning about myself, being so negative, and not doing something about it, which I get, but my energy is utterly zapped by work and the kids, house etc.

My 9 year old, as adored as she is, is mega, mega intense and I find myself on eggshells around her. She’s just in my face all the time, constantly wanting attention (which she gets plenty of), constantly on the go and constantly talking. Won’t accept the slightest hint of criticism and shouts at you if she perceives that you are saying anything negative about her (I mean a neural comment such as “can you put your shoes in the hall” can elicit a furious response). She has a terrible temper (which we are working on) but as guilty as I feel saying this, she is just wearing me down. I love her so much.

The two of them have also started staying up really late, they have good bedtime routines but they just don’t want to go to sleep. So I don’t get any time to myself. Which is why I stay up.

I need to lose weight, get fit, be healthy but I don’t even know where to begin with it. I feel utterly frozen it’s like I know I need to go and do this but I just can’t. I’m so overwhelmed.

My husband is great but my god he simply doesn’t get it and I can’t explain it to him.

..sorry, that was a bit of an unburdening…

I have just had a week away on holiday without my children and it has done wonders for me, is that an option for you? I am also on wegovy to help lose weight, which has also motivated me to get into more exercise, and having lost 11kgs has really helped my confidence.

Will kids stay in their bedrooms at night reading etc even if they are not asleep so you get some winding down time before bed?

This sounds horrible for you, especially as it sounds as if you are dealing with it all in your own head. Lack of sleep makes everything worse. Perhaps a GP appointment would be a good place to start?
How late are your DDs staying up? Is your DH supportive about setting some new boundaries around this? It sounds as if that might be needed.
Take care, being a mum can be really hard at times, no matter how much you love them.

Thank you for replying, I wasn’t sure anyone would be reading at this time.

I don’t think I can justify time away right now, I can’t get time off work for a while and my 9 year old would struggle. Lovely idea though. I’m thinking about the WLIs but my husband (“just run a couple of times a week and stop eating shite”) isn’t keen, feels it’s a needless expense.

They do stay in their rooms most of the time but the fact 11 is still awake and reading at midnight when she has school the next day really stresses me out. 9 will shout on me constantly for stuff. I want food, I have a sore tummy, can you lie with me etc etc.

The thing is with bedtime, we get them to bed at a decent time, lights out etc, they just will not go to sleep. They get up and walk about, they put on audiobooks and kick off if you put them off (“I can’t sleep without it!!”). My eldest reads loads and that’s fine but stays up far too late. I cant force them to go to sleep. In the moment they don’t care about threats of screen bans or other consequences they just want to stay up. I dont get it.

You can't force them to go to sleep but you can say that they have to stay in their rooms and keep noise down. You could also go to bed in your own room at e.g. 9pm and be clear that you are going to sleep and need quiet. Consequences might be needed, but before that, I would go for explaining what is going to happen and why e.g. we all need sleep and some quiet time. So, your bedtime is at x time and mine is at y time. After this time, I don't want to be disturbed unless it is an emergency. I won't come to lie with you because you are old enough to go to sleep on your own.
Is it worth talking to your DDs teachers? I wonder if something is going on? A lot of their behaviour sounds attention seeking and there's usually a reason for a child wanting attention.

Thank you. This is what I need, some steps to take. I cannot see the wood for the trees right now.

The girls are doing really well at school, they are positively angelic out of the house. To be fair, my eldest is fine, she’s easy going, happy, doesn’t really give me any hassle apart from the sleep dodging.

Youngest is a different kettle of fish though. I’ve started to wonder if there is something going on there, she’s always been intense but it seems to be getting harder. We spend loads of time together, I do loads with them. I don’t really know what else I can do.

I lie down with my kids and hug them till they go to sleep. My eldest is 9, he’s autistic and struggles with sleep so seems to need this. I don’t know if that might be an option for you? It’s probably frowned upon by people who say kids should go to sleep by themselves but it works well for us.

I totally understand your need to have time to yourself to wind down after long and busy days caring ( amazingly!) for your children before you can be ready for sleep.
Maybe due to the Christmas holidays, bedtime routines have gone out of the window, in which case this week, with school re-starting, they’ll be more tired and slip back into a better routine.
When my ( now young adult ) children were younger, they would really struggle to sleep which drove me insane as I was so exhausted and having anxiety myself, I needed to relax, myself, before sleep. . It would be getting to 1am with them and I was frantic . Nightly.
I felt robbed of my own time to re-balance as it was so late and then Groundhog Day would start again at 7am..
Looking back now, I would have handled it differently, as ..they all survived.
I have a ds with autism and he often went to school on 3 hours sleep .
If I was you, I would leave them to it, once you have said goodnight.. as hard as that is, to stress about them not getting enough sleep for school, you need your own time to think straight .
You’re clearly a great mum - just stay as calm as you can and relax a bit when you’ve dispatched them into their bedrooms and then sleep will eventually and naturally come to you when you’ve wound down and personal goals that you’re worrying about will be easier to manage and more rational with some rest 😴 xxx❤️

Could your 9yr old have ADHD ? That's my first thought.

At 9 and 11 you decide their bedtime not them. They go to bed when you tell them to. If they lie there and do t sleep fine but they don't get to stay up later unless you seem it a special occasion and allow it. If your 9 year old screams at you when told to do something mild like to put her shoes away then she goes into her room for reflection. She might decide she was wrong to scream at you and come to apologise to you. I expect she is tired from going to bed too late so not getting enough sleep. If you want to lose weight join the gym and go on Saturday mornings giving you a break from the kids. Alternatively just go for a walk in nature on your own.

Can you start just doing one thing, exercise wise? A daily walk. Brisk. Do it after dinner, maybe with the kids? Just one thing. Aim for every evening, but 3 or 4 times a week is a start.

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I would rethink a little time off, a few days if possible, even if the nine year old struggles.

Very few parents get away from their children, have time to be themselves for a little while, and have the privilege of missing the children. I fall into that category too btw. The few times I have managed it I have benefitted enormously.

You are worn out and down by the sounds of it.

For the nine year old - bed time projects helped mine. We shared pictures, poems, writings etc. We had the same note book. I would give her mine and vice versa. I would read out hers and she mine. It was great, took her ages to do, got her creative juices flowing and we had fun. BUT - could only happen if she was in bed at correct time.

I was 165 pounds. Now I am down to 110. Eat 500 calories less than your required amount every day, do some hard cardio at least 30 minutes a day 3 times a week, and that's all there is to it. The only thing standing the way of you and your goal are all the excuses.

I completely get you. Im not so much having issues with the kids though i have 2 demanding toddlers and the rest are teens or pre teens who dont really do their part around the house and are all demanding in their own way but my biggest issue is I am also fat and make no time for myself and im in the thick of perimenopaus so struggling with emotional regulation, hormone fluctuations, hot and cold flashes and struggling to get the weight off. Iv decided to prioritise myself a little more for my mental health and physical health. I joined a weight loss program and my eldest daughter bought me a fitbit to replace my old one and iv been counting steps, watching my calories and participating in the weight loss program. I also bought myself some nice skin care routine and some make up but im yet to use the make-up. I use to love having eyelash extensions being done so have booked myself to start those again and hoping to do that regularly again. Also I need new clothes so have decided im going to work on losing 5kg and my prize for that is a new wardrobe. I think with your kids being at an age where they can start doing more to occupy themselves you should start prioritising your own space and needs a bit more whether that's going to a gym after work. Also now that your kids are older you can do pamper days and hair dressers together, this way your treating yourself while still spending time with your girls. Its a challenge but you need to find balance and find time for yourself that doesnt mean staying up all night and taking away from good sleep.

Just to throw in another factor - 41 is not too early for perimenopause to be kicking in. Just because you said you are screaming inside and your energy is zapped. I mean, obviously there are many reasons why you are exhausted and stressed - women are entitled to feel like this without it being hormonal. But possibly worth keeping in the back of your mind?

Your children need boundries. It's hard a first but make every day life mich easier.

I have been taking mounjaro for about 10 months which has been life changing. It has enabled me to take control of my eating and lose a significant amount of weight. It also feels like something I’ve done for me, if that makes sense, as so much I do is for everyone else. I was unsure about taking it initially but I’m so glad I have. This might be an option for you. I also agree about perimenopause - I think I was going through this much earlier than I realised.

Also, my youngest went through a phase like your youngest. I don’t have much advice as it wasn’t/ isn’t easy. But I found that one to one time with them helps.

Daily exercise. The first month feels hellish. Push through and it's awesome.

I agree prioritise exercise. 30 mins a day is all you need. It will give you mental clarity and improve your health, reduce your weight. Don’t take the kids with you. Almost everyone can find time for this.

Thank you so much. I’m reading and taking it all in.

I’ve also been on Chat GPT looking at some ADHD strategies for my youngest and it’s actually been so helpful. ADHD hadn’t occurred to me I must admit so that’s quite illuminating. The anger she displays is, apparently, very common. I feel like I am failing her.

Mounjaro and adhd diagnosis for DD should sort you out.

Take control of more of the things that you have control over, Op.

• The light swiches - Turn off the kids' lights half an hour after their bedtimes. Be consistant with that, no matter the reaction.
• Never buy shite. Don't pay good money on it. Buy and eat healthy food; three meals a day.
• Walk every evening while DH is cooking the evening meal. Volunteer walking your dog.
• Spend extra time one on one with DD9. Teach her card games, knitting, crochet, bake muffins etc.
• Say NO to things you do not enjoy.
• Say YES and instigate more outings that you do enjoy.

You sound like a lovely caring mum OP. Do not be hard on yourself.