My life is a shambles and I am frozen

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I will try to articulate this as best I can but I don’t really know where to start.

I am 41. I am married and we have two girls, they are 11 and 9. I work full time in a high pressure office job (WFH one day per week).

On paper, my life looks good, pretty standard really. I think that people think that whilst I am a bit socially awkward (and fat), I generally have it together. My girls are the centre of my life and want for nothing. I’m performing well at work. Marriage is good, happy, husband is great, really hands on and practical, matches me 50/50 in the house (but admittedly probably not on mental load).

Inside, I am screaming.

I don’t sleep enough. This is an issue that’s getting worse. I am overweight. I don’t think my husband fancies me any more. He says he’s tired of me moaning about myself, being so negative, and not doing something about it, which I get, but my energy is utterly zapped by work and the kids, house etc.

My 9 year old, as adored as she is, is mega, mega intense and I find myself on eggshells around her. She’s just in my face all the time, constantly wanting attention (which she gets plenty of), constantly on the go and constantly talking. Won’t accept the slightest hint of criticism and shouts at you if she perceives that you are saying anything negative about her (I mean a neural comment such as “can you put your shoes in the hall” can elicit a furious response). She has a terrible temper (which we are working on) but as guilty as I feel saying this, she is just wearing me down. I love her so much.

The two of them have also started staying up really late, they have good bedtime routines but they just don’t want to go to sleep. So I don’t get any time to myself. Which is why I stay up.

I need to lose weight, get fit, be healthy but I don’t even know where to begin with it. I feel utterly frozen it’s like I know I need to go and do this but I just can’t. I’m so overwhelmed.

My husband is great but my god he simply doesn’t get it and I can’t explain it to him.

OP have you considered starting HRT for the perimenopause? I take 50mg nature-identical progesterone on the days between ovulation and my period and it's been incredible for my sleep, weight and mood. Of course you need to fix other issues too but lack of sleep, anxiety and weight gain are common effects of the drop in progesterone we experience in our early 40s, and they tend to worsen any existing issues we have in our lives.

Do you have any local friends you could do an evening walk with?

I started doing this a few years ago and I now have several people I walk with at different times (one was just a friend of a friend who wanted to exercise and has now become my most regular walk buddy and a close friend)

Obviously it’s good for your physical health but will help you a great deal mentally. Locally we have set up a ladies walk group chat and there’s about ten of us - sometimes it’s only a couple walking at a time and other days 6-7. Weeknights we just do a road walk because of the dark and walk alternate Sunday mornings.

i assume they will be back at school today?
so hopefully that will help with their sleep patterns.
and of course there is always a neurodivergent diagnosis possibility

I'd say your 9 year could be ND. Could you get her assessed privately?

Would you take both children to the GP re sleep? Try melatonin? Try herbal teas? Try sleep tinctures (Napiers)? Try calming essential oils in a burner....eg geranium lavender roman camomile?

Try hypnosis type videos relating to sleep (utube)

I think you have to start prioritising you. Diet.....calorie counting? And exercising. It has to be something you want to do, and I think you simply don't value yourself enough atm. How can we change that?

The kids will stay up later as they get older but that doesn’t mean you need to spend all the time they’re awake with them.

I would chuck money at the problem if you can monjaro for you and does your youngest need an ADHD/ASD assessment?

Hi OP. Couple of things that resonated. I’m late diagnosed Autistic and ADHD. DD is very much like me and we had similar issues when she was younger. I highly recommend The Explosive Child by Ross Greene. What I love about this book is it’s not prescriptive, it’s not reliant on a specific diagnosis. What it helps you to do is look at the problems you’re experiencing and think of strategies to change things. Made a huge difference to us, especially with bedtimes. It’s available as an audiobook too if that’s helpful. I would suspect your DD might be ND based on what you’ve said. Functioning well in school means unmasking at home and you have to deal with it all!
I wouldn’t actually focus on the weight yet. I think the first thing is to tackle the sleep problems. If you can help your DD sleep, you can then work on your sleep. Much easier to be motivated to eat well and exercise if you’ve slept well!

She is 9 - early for it to be spotted in girls, you’ve recognised the issue and you’re seeking support for her. This is opposite of failure.

Loads of great advice on here. However I hear you about weight loss and also someone above mentioned peri-meno. I was definitely peri at 41, felt awful physically and mentally and kids younger than yours are now. At 43 I got HRT after 2 years of struggling. WLI’s GAME CHANGER too and my mental as well as physical self is poles apart from where I was. This also enabled me to take back charge in parenting. Have you thought about an age appropriate weighted blanket for your youngest?

I second the following suggestions: Mounjaro for you - my theory is that some people cannot shift hormonal weight gain no matter how much exercise / dieting done. Eg I always put on weight when breastfeeding and lost it as soon as I stopped. So pls don’t compare yourself to your husband or other women on this front. Micro dosing Mounjaro made me feel great in loads of way including losing the last stubborn bit of weight. They day after the shot I don’t sleep and then the insomnia settles down….
Also pls do consider reading up about ASD / adhd and AUDHD in girls re your 9 year old. In my experience you cannot parent these children “normally” and you have to find ways that work to get the results you/they need even if the methods might horrify your pre-imagined ideas of what is “correct parenting”. Understand this and give yourself some slack. Is your DH showing ASD traits do you think as these things are often heritable. good luck OP I’ve been there x

Just a thought- are they overtired. Do you need to get them to bed earlier. Give them strategies to help them fall asleep. Play calming music.

Before you rush out to buy WLI and diagnose your child with ADHD or whatever ND diagnosis mumsnet posters have decided, you need to take some basic steps to get yourself more sleep.

Those kids are playing you like a fiddle. They need to stay in their room unless they are going to the toilet and no access to audio books. Better consistent bedtime routine every night, that you enforce with your husband. If they're still awake, don't fret. You're giving them the opportunity to sleep as much as they need.

You are exhausted and worn down because you're insisting on having down-time where you look at a screen and don't want to go to bed because when you wake up, it will be tomorrow. You need to make family leisure time your lesiure time. Not because you don't deserve it, but because your leisure time is replacing your sleep. The shoe argument won't be so hard when you are refreshed and have the energy to give take up time and be persistent. You'll find ways to ensure she doesn't get in the house wearing shoes in the first place, the same way you will forsee and forstall a lot of the disagreements and whining.

I like the advice from @thedevilsavocado : go to your room at 9pm with a book, or a kindle that you can hide under the covers, so if they come in, there's no light on and you can pretend to be asleep. If they disturb your sleep, there is a punishment.

Losing weight also needs time and energy. You're too tired to manage that right now.

Sort out your sleep and you will be able to sort out your life.

PS Your life isn't a mess, you sound lovely and you have lovely kids. You're just knackered and this is making your flounder.

I was going to suggest the mounjaro or wegovy as well. Having lost a ton of weight I feel better about myself and it has helped me get to the gym.

i am 46 work ft (4 days commuting into the office) with a stressful job and two young children. Since starting the jabs I am sleeping better and I prioritise having 90 min on Sunday morning where I go to weight training class. I love my class and it makes me have so much energy after.

husband might be staying it’s a lot of money but actually getting healthy will give you boost to deal with the rest.

lastly I am not happy in my job - that is next to be tackled

Mine too. There seems to be some rejection sensitivity there, as well as being ‘intense’. See how she gets on with the new term and perhaps speak to her teachers, though it sounds like she masks very well at school. See if her behaviour becomes more extreme after school due to masking all day.

hugs 💐

Omg stop being such a doormat

Take mounjaro if you want
Leave your kids to it for a bit
Go away for a weekend

And bench obnoxious to your mother is NOT an ADHD get out of jail free situation please start teaching your offspring they're not the centre of the universe

I have a similar life I think.
For sleep, have you tried the Calm app sleep stories. These work with my kids, I don't try and make them go to sleep super early but they will be alseep by 9. The calm app really works on mine, and even me tbh.
The health thing, Cambridge diet worked for me. Its the food in packets you dont have to think about what to eat or portion sizes. It was the one diet that worked for me.
Sleep for yourself. I was having sleep issues and still am and its tough. But beginners yoga classes can be a great entry level excercise and I found helps with sleep too. Find a little local class ina church hall where there is a nice group as its a little sociable too.
Im a WIP but these things have helped.

How much free time do you get compared to your husband?

When you’re both in the house how is the parenting split?

Becayse it sounds to me you’re running on empty constantly whilst your husband isn’t…..I suspect things aren’t as 50/50 as you think.

He being a complete arse about you being snowed under.

I haven’t been able to read through the responses here but I just wanted to throw in a couple of things that immediately struck me (for context I’m mid 40s, with 2 children older than yours and a high pressure job). The sleep- you may well be peri menopausal, I was at 40, periods completely stopped by 43 so do look at that. HRT (I use oestrogen and Utrogestan tablets) have made a huge difference with my sleep- and improved hair loss! The 9 year old, she sounds exactly like my now 15 year old who was diagnosed as AuDHD at 14. Might be worth exploring? With the weight loss and just everything else that’s causing pressure, can you go through your week and work out which things you do that create particular stress for you? I’ve just done this, some are v small but I’m changing my routine in small ways to remove them and then plan out time for myself/asking more of my partner.

I admittedly know nothing about weight loss injections but I just wanted to make you aware that your health and well-being are not a “needless expense”. You need to be able to prioritise yourself a little.

I would get bloods checked for peri-menopause and thyroid which will make you feel mentally low and sluggish.

start the WLI it’s none of your husbands business and just because exercise / staying slim is easy for him, he doesn’t have your female body which is completely different.

I have so many friends on WLI and it has changed their lives in the past year. They’re healthy, have motivation to exercise and more confidence.

Your youngest does sound neurodivergent but also, potentially needs stronger boundaries.

Since you aren’t getting enough sleep the person that suggested you had 9pm bedtime go to bed and leave them too it was right.

If you are financially stable, is it an option to do a half day on a Friday or take the odd Friday as annual leave and spend it alone, relaxing / exercising / sleeping?

Have you got a cleaner?

These threads often start with I have a great husband, but slowly becomes apparent they’re not that great / sharing the mental load / housework equally. I wonder if that is actually causing a lot of your stress because you feel it’s all on you, especially if your DC also want your attention all the time.

Re ADHD read about RSD.

Op peri menopause kicked my ass around 40. Might be something to consider

I’m going to go against your husband and some other posters who are talking about no excuses re diet. There are excuses-tiredness being one of them. Look, you can do a few things well or a lot of things really badly, it’s your choice but you could do with support for that which you aren’t getting. At the end of the day, no one is going to congratulate you for doing things their way or for doing it all the hard way (They may criticise, but that’s their problem).

Do you want to lose weight for you or is this another thing to add to your endless ‘to do’ list because it sounds to me like food might be serving the purpose of providing comfort and energy when you’re not feeling your best.

My husband is a bit like yours but just because they are black and white doesn’t mean they’re correct all the time. You have to sort of advocate for yourself.

If it were me and I would forget weight loss for now and focus on getting adequate mental rest by taking some of the good advice on this thread re your daughter and put in some boundaries/expectations for your daughter and husband.

They will both protest so save your energy for that. And listen, if it turns out that something doesn’t work you can course correct-nothing wrong with trying to change the status quo if it’s not working for you.

You sound like a loving engaged mum and a few aborted attempts to manage bedtime won’t hurt them, but I think failing to address this will hurt all of you if you end up burning out (spoiler: you will). I think tiredness has let self doubt creep in, and your husband isn’t really helping. Trialling setting boundaries might increase your confidence in yourself in the long run. Only then would I prioritise weight loss (in the best way for me; not someone else’s way). Best of luck-hope you catch up on some sleep!

I hate to put forward the MN cliche, but it really does sound like your 9 yr old may have ADHD. The constant wabtibg attention, not sleeping (is her mind racing?), screaming when asked to do something (pathological demand avoidance). I would def speak to GP when in your own at first. You say you implement sme strategies anyway so if they’re working it certainly points to neurodivergence.
Re the weight loss. Cut out ultra processed foods, cut down massively on sugar, get some decent exercise (you could even do YouTube videos - no need to even leave the house unless you’d prefer that). If that doesn’t work then maybe WLI but I’d try the natural way first. Good luck!

Small steps, OP.

In your shoes I would focus on two things first; your sleep and the weight loss. And by the weight loss I mean give the WLI a go. I was like you in that I wanted to go on them but my partner was sceptical. But ultimately it’s my body and my choice what to do with it, and he understood that. Whilst running and eating well worked for him, I wasn’t in the same place mentally, so I went on Mounjaro. It worked wonders for me because at a very stressful time at work etc it helped me to lose the weight without even thinking about it. It took one big thing off my plate (both literally and metaphorically!) and now I’m three stone lighter, I can go for a jog or a long walk without having the equivalent of a small toddler strapped to me.

I also think lack of sleep makes everything seem worse, and it’s often in the small hours that we ruminate and worry about things that we can see more clearly during the day. Committing to earlier bedtimes for yourself and developing better sleeping habits for you will help you to focus better.

As some PP have said, there may be something going on with your younger DD but it sounds like you’re already considering that. You are NOT failing either of your children, it sounds like you are a lovely, kind and sensitive mum, but you now need to shine some of that onto yourself. It’s a bit cliche but it’s so true that you cannot pour from an empty cup. Asking for help and acknowledging you need it is the first huge step towards looking after you. Be kinder to yourself.