My life is a shambles and I am frozen

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I will try to articulate this as best I can but I don’t really know where to start.

I am 41. I am married and we have two girls, they are 11 and 9. I work full time in a high pressure office job (WFH one day per week).

On paper, my life looks good, pretty standard really. I think that people think that whilst I am a bit socially awkward (and fat), I generally have it together. My girls are the centre of my life and want for nothing. I’m performing well at work. Marriage is good, happy, husband is great, really hands on and practical, matches me 50/50 in the house (but admittedly probably not on mental load).

Inside, I am screaming.

I don’t sleep enough. This is an issue that’s getting worse. I am overweight. I don’t think my husband fancies me any more. He says he’s tired of me moaning about myself, being so negative, and not doing something about it, which I get, but my energy is utterly zapped by work and the kids, house etc.

My 9 year old, as adored as she is, is mega, mega intense and I find myself on eggshells around her. She’s just in my face all the time, constantly wanting attention (which she gets plenty of), constantly on the go and constantly talking. Won’t accept the slightest hint of criticism and shouts at you if she perceives that you are saying anything negative about her (I mean a neural comment such as “can you put your shoes in the hall” can elicit a furious response). She has a terrible temper (which we are working on) but as guilty as I feel saying this, she is just wearing me down. I love her so much.

The two of them have also started staying up really late, they have good bedtime routines but they just don’t want to go to sleep. So I don’t get any time to myself. Which is why I stay up.

I need to lose weight, get fit, be healthy but I don’t even know where to begin with it. I feel utterly frozen it’s like I know I need to go and do this but I just can’t. I’m so overwhelmed.

My husband is great but my god he simply doesn’t get it and I can’t explain it to him.

Your description of your DD sounds VERY like my DS, who is diagnosed with ADHD and also Oppositional Defiant Disorder. It's exhausting, for me and the whole family. He's fabulous but so much of my energy goes on managing him. I'm reading around different parenting approaches to try and see how I can help him, as I can see how much his emotions rule him.

Had to reply! I was the same as you, carrying extra weight, same age as you. Kids getting older but felt more exhausted than ever. It felt like I was on the outside looking in at my life. Totally numb most of the time, if I ever had an emotion it was feeling weepy - I felt like id had the best of my life which was crazy in my 40s. I also had horribly heavy periods which were draining me.
I told my husband I needed to loose weight, I needed to organise the house, needed to care more about everything but there was just no way I could get the motivation to do it. Telling me to go to a gym would have been like telling me to move a mountain - just impossible that id ever do it. I felt more like having a glass of wine and a cry which I did a lot of.
What changed it...I got on hrt. I didnt know if my mood, weight gain, bleeding was down to perimenopause. I now know it had to have been. I also had a coil- and no period again. Changed my life.
And yes - I had mounjaro - for 3 months- and lost 2 stone. I did have it just before it got really expensive admittedly.
I am a different person
I have a better relationship with everyone
Im never going to be someone who is out training for marathons, but im motivated enough to have maintained rhe weight loss for 6 months and its not even been that hard. I have some excitement for the future, and a feel younger and more attractive, more present and not so numb.
I still have times where I go a bit emotionally numb but I can recognise it now and talk about it with my partner and its temporary.
My eldest isnt a big sleeper. Both have reading lights and books and like someone else said after a certain time they are only allowed the low light on, doors shut, books and no more wandering around. Mine are a bit older - 14 and 11. You cant make them sleep but if all screens are gone and its just books, they'll get the sleep they need. I do retire into my room, have a bath, watch a bit of good tv to stay sane
I do still stay up too late sometimes but I've always been a bit like that. My husband works away a lot so im working and managing kids on my own a lot if I need to treat myself to dropping off to sleep with netflix on quietly I think thats ok.
Be kind to yourself there are lots of positives in your post, you obviously love your family and they love you, your 9 year old is still quite young and will mature in the next couple of years to not be so intense. See a GP and talk to your husband again re WLI.
Maybe you could budget for a couple of months to loose a stone or something and you could both review if its worth it? X

It sounds like you need to stop making excuses and being a martyr.

Of course, you can have time to yourself and get to sleep at a reasonable time and make time for exercise.

I have a 7 & 12 year old. 7 year old still needs a bit of putting to bed, but 12 year old totally left to her own devices. 7 year old usually asleep by 9:30, 12 year old by 11pm. It doesn’t stop me getting on with my night or getting to bed on time. The only rule is they are quiet once I’ve gone to bed, which is at 10pm usually. I don’t want to hear or see them, unless it’s an emergency, but not because they want to tell me about something a friend did 3 weeks ago or ask if they can have pancakes at the weekend or something random.

In the evenings, I read or do some work. I sometimes exercise, less so in winter when it’s dark at night. But I make time for exercise in my free time when it’s light out. I go on walks or we cycle as a family or I go for a swim. Usually on the weekends or during my lunch break or in the evening when one of us drops eldest off to sports training (4:30-9pm), Dh will go for a run or I’ll go hiking for an hour or two before coming home. On New Year’s Day, I got up at 6am and did a 4 mile hike before the kids got up. I went to bed at 1am, but I don’t drink and I am generally well rested, so one night of 5 hours of sleep was no big deal. It meant I could make the most of the day off and when everyone else would still be in bed.

And of course, you can travel and re-charge. Otherwise you’re setting your kids up to be dependent and anxious and unable to cope in life without you. I’ve been travelling with dc since eldest was 16 months (I went to Australia for 2 weeks). I go away on holiday solo every year, sometimes more than once. Dh manages just fine solo parenting and the kids don’t really notice because they’re used to each of us taking care of them. You’re no good as a parent if you drive yourself into the ground and it does nothing but teach your dc that they should take and take and demand and whine even if it’s breaking you. They need to learn some resilience and independence.

Have not read all the replies so apologies if people have already suggested these. I can identify with much of what you write about your relationship with your husband, you may need to be a bit more assertive about his way not always being what you agree to.
I was a lot older than you when I realised that much as I needed support from my husband I also needed to like myself more. It is completely understandable to both be deeply unhappy with aspects of your life but not have the impetus to do anything about it, could you be depressed?
Your older daughter may be an avid reader and/or a night owl naturally.
Would all of you benefit from learning some relaxation techniques?
As with so many things break the mass of things in your head down to lists and start with small steps.

She really sounds a lot like my child who has ADHD - a LOT! The waiting lists are really long and it can take years to get a diagnosis. But what I’ve found helps (we don’t medicate) is: firm screen time boundaries that never move. And a lot of work around that not feeling like a punishment.

Lots of movement. Lots of helping him understand emotions - “you really need to use up that energy”, “you’re so frustrated right now”, etc etc. Encouraging (non screen) hobbies (you’ll hear a lot of people saying that screens are regulating, but they’re just giving them reliable dopamine that makes them feel worse afterwards). A million play dates! And, at school, things like blu tack that they can fiddle with and movement breaks.

I have ADHD and was not understood or tolerated as a child. As a consequence, I’m still not ok and still dealing with it all.

It’s very difficult, but children with ADHD are told off a HUGE amount more than neurotypical children, which can damage their sense of self and make rejection sensitive dysphoria worse. So try really hard not to tell her off more than her sibling.

Also - you’re not failing her because you’re trying to understand her and find ways to help her. You’re being a good parent. My parents never tried to understand me - they just punished and shamed me into compliance.

I thought that too (ADHDer with ADHD DC).

Tell your husband either he supports you working through your unhappiness [moaning..his words] or he supports the purchase of weight loss drugs, no third option. With the children, he supports you with the hard words around bedtime routines or takes it on himself.
You seem to be doing it all yourself, time he stepped up.

It’s harder to lose weight as you get older. I’m struggling with this too. My solutions is 30 mins exercise a day and overhaul of diet - no more crisps, pastries etc etc and two months off of booze then one evening a week booze allowance. I imagine I will lose a stone or two over the coming months.

In terms of children: they will push the underlies until you enforce them. That’s simply how it is with kids. Do not give in, bedtime is when you say. Lights out and they are quiet. You ignore moans and requests for stuff, do it consistently and they will get the message.

Mine are a bit older at 14 and 11. But you have to let go of the bit where they go to bed before you, and your time starts after them. It gets better and worse a the same time when they get a bit older. The worse bit is that I'm busier than ever in the evenings and weekends. All their clubs are late and weekends now that I'm very busy when I'm not at work. The good thing is they no longer need childcare. It means if only one of them needed a lift, DH and I can be out doing our own thing without all the hassles of a baby sitter. (We don't have family nearby for regular childcare). It means I'm now doing my own sports club one evening a week. DDs also do a sport which I've picked up so I practice at the same time as them. An example of this is DC2 did a stint at a cricket club and they run the women's team practice at the same time, but finishes 15min later than the kids.

All I want to say is things will get better. You'll get busier but at the same time, easier to find the time to do your thing.

The things that jump out at me is you have a good job and i) you can’t take time off at the moment and ii) your DH thinks WLIs are an unnecessary expense.

what’s the issue with using time off? And do you have personal spends or is it all family money? How would your DH react to the expenditure if he needed physio or a crown or new glasses?

Mine are/were the same we had no phones in bedroom at all until post A level. We have no lights on and stay in bed. My youngest teen went to bed early last night and protested I’m not tired etc I say that so get it but their body needs rest and just to shut their eyes and stay in bed. Talk to them about your need for downtime. Your need for quiet time. Your needs. And their needs they need to sleep to grow and repair. They are old enough to look at ‘data’eg number of hours sleep etc

I don’t know if it helps but both of mine can not seem to stop reading. Both of mine struggle with sleep and I don’t think I have had a full nights sleep for about 20 years. When I was diagnosed with ADHD I was told my normal is in fact ADHD. Mine are both ND and struggle a fixed routine is needed. Same time, same place. No audio books (mine get into the book and can’t not then go to sleep) you need to train the brain to be quiet.

Yeah we gave them Alexas in the first place so that they could listen to their audio books/podcasts in the hope that it would help them sleep, but to be honest I think it stimulates them and keeps them awake. You go up the stairs and Stephen Fry reading Harry Potter is blaring at you in stereo. It’s not relaxing at all.

Yeah we gave them Alexas in the first place so that they could listen to their audio books/podcasts in the hope that it would help them sleep, but to be honest I think it stimulates them and keeps them awake. You go up the stairs and Stephen Fry reading Harry Potter is blaring at you in stereo. It’s not relaxing at all.

Hello.

Have you heard of PDA? That's Pathological Demand Avoidance Syndrome. It is autistic spectrum. Kids with PDA have a high need for control and have a panic attack when under pressure. They can't cope with a direct demand. A small subset go under the wire at school, where they seem to be complying but actually everything is on their terms and often they are just quietly avoiding everything.

My younger daughter has PDA. I had never heard of it until a paediatrician mentioned it. She was later diagnosed asd with PDA at CAMHS. It is a very sociable type of autism and hard to spot.

I am always afraid of mentioning SEN as sometimes people take that badly. I am a SEN parent myself. However as you’ve mentioned it, it might be worth looking up “PDA”, passive demand avoidance as your description of her reaction to simple requests tells me that she may have that.

I hear you, OP. I was there ten or so years ago. I've only just lost two stone I was trying since having DD1 to lose with mounjaro last year, in spite of exercising the shit out of it all my life really. When I was 42 I changed jobs to something much less full on (in house legal instead of law firms), work stopped making me ill and I took up yoga. I still do yoga, one or two classes a week and it has kept me sane through many difficult times. It's medicine and pervades my whole life, not just exercise.

DD1 I suspect has some kind of neurodiversity though always did well at school and is the most organised person ever, so we have never pursued a diagnosis. Could be quite highly strung and was at least a highly sensitive child. She really found her feet at a superselective grammar and has become very self-aware.

DD2 I always suspected of having inattentive ADHD but was diagnosed with
AuADHD at 13 as she never got on with secondary school and really struggled to attend regularly. We had a lot more serious issues as well at age 13 to 15, which I won't go into. Until then she had been the most laid back child ever, always went to school, got excellent reports. Eventually we did online school and she's now happily at college and has not missed a day of her PT job which I am stunned about.

Anyway, they are 20 and 16 now, both are entirely lovely, I am slim and fit at 50 and we got through it. Still happily married to DH. You can do it - this too will pass. 💐

I would say sleep is the first thing to tackle even before weight. When I was absolutely despairing about sleep I tried Sleepstation. Was hard but it worked. That and yoga giving me far more peace of mind. I do still have bouts of insomnia but somehow it never bothers me, I just have a totally different mindset about it now. I think yoga taught me to be kind to myself and that I am enough, just as I am. Headspace also massively helped. I remember sitting in my car in a car park, just closing my eyes and listening for ten minutes. Meditation can just be ten minutes of peace and grounding yourself, it doesn't have to be sitting crossed legged and ohming, though you can do that if you want to.

Also what I'd say with tirzepatide, that while the initial outlay is north of £160 a month (and going up with the doses) I spend less on food and alcohol so there is a saving there.

I didn't consult DH before taking it as my health and what I spend my own money on is up to me not him. I did tell him when I started though and was surprised at how positive he was about it. I wish it had been available ten years ago.

Everyone saying get the jabs regardless of what husband says has a point. However what is stopping you eating less and going out for run like he says? Is it that you dont have the time or is it that you cant be arsed?

I've not read all the comment OP, but I can see a mixture of some suggesting to forget weight loss for now, and others suggesting prioritise yourself first. I recommend the latter. Not weight loss per se, but focus on being healthier, reduce your sugar consumption if that's an issue, move more - get outside and/or try some of the exercise videos mentioned here. A bit of exercise I find really energises you and makes you want to nourish your body rather than filling it with crap. It may also help your sleep. WLI are one way to go but I think some exercise/movement as well will benefit. Once you're in a better state of mind and happier in yourself, then you will have more energy to pour into the other issues around you. Good luck!

This! Just focus on one small change that you can make. Do it until it becomes a routine/habit and then look at what to do next.

Why aren't they allowed to listen to audio books to go to sleep?

I’ve explained on this page. I believe it stimulates them rather than helps them to sleep.

Everyone is different, but it might not be the best time of year to start brisk walking after dinner if the OP is in the UK. I went out mid afternoon for 20 minutes with the dog, all wrapped up and nearly froze my bits off and it's slippery everywhere and I'm concentrating on staying upright. It's pitch black by 4.30pm. A brisk walk after dinner at the moment is about as welcome to me as a cup of cod liver oil and I love exercise. In the summer- sure.

Whereas I do manage to go swimming at the leisure centre, or to the gym, because they are always the same temperature. I think if I couldn't get out to the gym I'd get a walking mill or something.

But I don't think exercise is actually the OP's first priority, certainly not anything vigorous which will only raise cortisol levels, stress out the body further and make sleep even worse. I would recommend some really restorative yoga or a breathwork class. A short walk in the frosty sunshine could be nice, but then again, it depends where you live.

The “black and white thinking” makes me wonder if your husband may also be ND. It often runs in families and many parents I know have sought a diagnosis for themselves after their kids have been diagnosed and they’ve become more informed on various ND signs.

Op be cautious about all these nd diagnosis on here, it’s very common, no proffesional would ever rush in to diagnose as posters do on here, and nearly everything is seen as a sign of being nd.