My life is a shambles and I am frozen

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I will try to articulate this as best I can but I don’t really know where to start.

I am 41. I am married and we have two girls, they are 11 and 9. I work full time in a high pressure office job (WFH one day per week).

On paper, my life looks good, pretty standard really. I think that people think that whilst I am a bit socially awkward (and fat), I generally have it together. My girls are the centre of my life and want for nothing. I’m performing well at work. Marriage is good, happy, husband is great, really hands on and practical, matches me 50/50 in the house (but admittedly probably not on mental load).

Inside, I am screaming.

I don’t sleep enough. This is an issue that’s getting worse. I am overweight. I don’t think my husband fancies me any more. He says he’s tired of me moaning about myself, being so negative, and not doing something about it, which I get, but my energy is utterly zapped by work and the kids, house etc.

My 9 year old, as adored as she is, is mega, mega intense and I find myself on eggshells around her. She’s just in my face all the time, constantly wanting attention (which she gets plenty of), constantly on the go and constantly talking. Won’t accept the slightest hint of criticism and shouts at you if she perceives that you are saying anything negative about her (I mean a neural comment such as “can you put your shoes in the hall” can elicit a furious response). She has a terrible temper (which we are working on) but as guilty as I feel saying this, she is just wearing me down. I love her so much.

The two of them have also started staying up really late, they have good bedtime routines but they just don’t want to go to sleep. So I don’t get any time to myself. Which is why I stay up.

I need to lose weight, get fit, be healthy but I don’t even know where to begin with it. I feel utterly frozen it’s like I know I need to go and do this but I just can’t. I’m so overwhelmed.

My husband is great but my god he simply doesn’t get it and I can’t explain it to him.

This was me at your age. In fact are you me as Christmas past.

First thing, hold onto the fact you are doing great at work. That is your superpower. Having that financial base will ultimately give you personal options, and massive self worth.

Otherwise, for me, with the benefit of hindsight, this stage of my life was the marathon. This time was for me ‘runner’s wall’. I needed to dig deep an get through.

In retrospect, my intense, quick to anger DD, I now see is high functioning ASD and ADHD. She’s really successful in both work and personal. Her childhood was overwhelming for me and I was completely out of my depth. DH handled it better. I think just being conflict averse and trusting all would come right in the end. It did and has.

I was overweight also - comfort and stress eating, and this did make me feel the most miserable, but I was caught in a vicious cycle. In hindsight, addressing this would again have been a marathon rather than a quick fix. The first step in hindsight, stay away from refined sugar and ultra processed food. I know now how they trigger the cycle. And eat lots of good clean food. You need the energy and nourishment.

I would prioritise your sleep initially as lack of sleep will not help with weight loss, motivation, energy and you may find you increase how much you eat.

A good quality high dose Vitamin D3 and K2 supplement. At least 4000 iu. I use this one. Sorry about the long link.

Bedtime routine. Camomile tea, book (not a device) and a cool bedroom.

Good quality magnesium supplement.

Do you have weights at home? Caroline Girvan 24 days of Christmas is a 20
min daily video on YouTube. Or go into Joe wicks channel and start April 2020 lock down videos as they get progressively harder and are only 20 mins. I know some people hate Joe wicks but he’s upbeat and chirpy and my friend started them in April 20 and you would not believe the difference in 2 years. Started with lock down ones and progressed to one with weights. Friend does hiit now once a week and 3 day with the same JW video with weights - no more than a 30 min video - says it was all down to Joe Wicks. Consistency and repitieron paid off. Personally I’d start with Joe and aim to do 5 days a week for the next week. If you miss a day catch up another day but don’t miss two if you can help it.

If you can’t get motivated to do exercise at home try reframing it - I am doing it to show my children exercise should be a part of everyday life and carving out 20 mins is crucial.

Then incorporate a 1 hour walk Saturday and Sunday - that gets you some peace - maybe listen to a podcast. Let your husband deal with the children. He thinks you should be self motivated so take him up on it!

www.amazon.co.uk/Vitamin-4000iu-Strength-Vegetarian-Tablets/dp/B07YDCVX3G/ref=mp_s_a_1_3_pp?crid=1PS9ZRQGWYAXE&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.xd0vrYdOtZf96t0bLZ51LhRwqHdkRtDD_TkmKAl0ZdZKA54UETs6Ytu_pzkI5FtgUk-eVGey2oQMINFchtlWlK92ONO-4v5TfkNaT7HesW7tYsCOb9aEINjyMVpWaCUshhG5-uHkW5xOIoOpOUNzPwELw8HKa6TPSDXqIxUMlGJ-Rufsda3nqRM8sOBnlGcpzzI74XXgNYPwcJm2dqVrxg.X-aL45ahvTzP-1ZoO9O0rXTC447OhVazd0fWG3PcSJ0&dib_tag=se&keywords=vitamin+d3+k2&qid=1767599611&sprefix=vit%2Caps%2C140&sr=8-3

And sugar oh avoid! I don’t eat much sugar now but I did eat a few bits over Xmas and I can feel the crash post sugar. I never used to recognise it. I now avoid sugar due to the way it makes me feel afterwards. The Horrid feeling knowing eating it will make me feel tired a little while later puts me off.

OP you sound like such a lovely mum!

From what im reading, it sounds to me in every response that youre putting your family's wants and feeling above yours, every time.

So what if your 9 year old struggles without for you a few days? So they do, then you come back, life moves on.

So what if your 9 year old demands you to go and lie with them when they can't sleep? Say no, remain firm and you do you.

So what if your 9 year old demands you and not your husband? Not tonight sweetheart, mummy is busy. Daddy or nobody.

So what if your 9 year old doesn't eat a meal you've cooked and goes hungry? They won't die! They're more like to eat it next time. The list goes on.

Strict boundaries can upset children, but theyre good for them in the long run.

Sounds like you need to be doing something for yourself. Have you considered a local gym doing a 4 or 8 week kickstarter course, for example? Sign up for a few weeks to kickstart fitness?

Do you have much opp to get out in an evening to do something just for you?

You really sound like the most considerate mum, and you're not failing anybody

I can really really relate. Something that's helped me take control is getting a PT (I go to a cheap gym and I managed to find one who was starting out and therefore very competitive) - could this be an option? It just makes you accountable and more likely to do some exercise!

Weight Management Services - Morelife UK

OP try Morelife - I used to work for them and it is a great, supportive, NHS backed way to reassess weight and lifestyle management etc. It's really simple to see if you are eligible and they can help in all sorts of areas.

It’s difficult to be kind to yourself and prioritise your needs if no one else is. It sounds like everyone else’s needs in your family are being met, but not yours.

I have found that as my children get older, they understand more when I explain what I need. If you say - “I need to get to bed earlier, so I need quite to wind down from 9, so I’m ready to sleep at 10” - would they be able to accommodate your need?

Have you had your thyroid antibodies and TSH checked recently? You could also be in perimenopause, which can make you feel absolutely awful emotionally.

I think with the weight loss, start building small good habits. This is what I did and I’ve gone from a size 18 to a 12/14 and I’m much fitter and stronger. It has taken 2 / 2.5 years.

I started by doing a 20 minute walk every day - only excuse to not do it that was allowed was illness. I did that for about a month until it was habit and I actually was doing longer walks on a few days. Then I started building in other exercise. I found the Grow with Jo ones on YouTube amazing as she has such variety and difficulty levels. I started by doing two of those a week for a month, then built it to 3 and finally 4. By then exercise was making me feel great and I was doing 1-2hr walks on weekends and doing my workouts regularly.

then when I had that down I focused on food. I actually ate healthy meals but portions were too big, I didn’t have enough protein and I snacked a lot. I started by working on portion control but still snacking. Then I started swapping my snacks for healthier ones. I tried to make this bit fun by trying out new recipes etc with DH after a few months I had a new lifestyle in terms of food.

anyway I started this 2 maybe 2.5 years ago and it’s now just my life. Of course this doesn’t work for everyone but just sharing what worked for me. I’ll share an average day of eating below:

breakfast: porridge with flaxseeds, nut butter and berries - made with soya milk for protein
mid morning: banana and coffee
lunch: falafel salad with lots of veggies and chickpeas / hummus. Sometimes I’ll have this with a flatbread
mid afternoon: homemade wholewheat scone or fruit and nuts or homemade smoothie
dinner: stir fry with tofu or burrito with black beans

this will chance depending on where I am in my menstrual cycle and what workout I’m doing that day

good luck OP, you deserve to give yourself some time xx

I'm 45 and have once I hit 40 the weight piled on. I was going to throw gym 5 days a week and was eating healthily yet the weight wouldn't budge. I started WLI and have lost 3 1/2 st now.

Get on Mounjaro OP. You work and earn your own money, it's not your husband's decision.

My dd was exactly like this.

Later diagnosed AUDHD.

2 things - your age and potential ND child.

perimenopause will have your hormones all over the place and it really affects your mood and ability to cope. Go to GP and discuss HRT.

sounds like your daughter is ND. I’d get her assessed. However, in the meantime, read up on parenting an ND child. It can be exhausting and understanding that can be very helpful. Not just to learn practical strategies, but also to understand the emotional toll it takes on you. Parental exhaustion is a common sign of ADHD in a child .

Oh OP, this all sounds very hard, no wonder you’re struggling. I agree with others that it would be worth sitting down with your DH and asking him to be more supportive. And send him this article that was published on BBC a few hours ago: https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c2084q9079po

I personally have no time for men who insist that their wives can lose weight easily with a bit of exercise and a low calorie diet just because they can, whilst completely ignoring that a woman’s age, hormones and socialisation all affect weight loss. Get WLI if you want them - he’s not your dad and can’t tell you what to do and you’re not a child who needs to toe his line.

Hate to second this but as the parent of 2 late diagnosed AuDHD kids, diagnosis and medication changed our lives. As did mounjaro for stress-related and menopause weight-gain - just took away all the noise (stress etc, not just ‘food’ noise). My marriage is better as I feel better about myself and am not constantly sapping the good vibes when with my DH (over weight etc).

I’d by speaking to school re 9 yo and explaining the issues you have at home - girls mask and many professionals do not understand the different presentations in girls etc, but with the home context there may be indicators that they’ve seen but not raised as she has multiple sources of stimulation and attention via friends. For some reason school will NOT bring up the possibility of an ND diagnosis unless you expressly ask - so school did not raise things with mine, however you HAVE to have their input and agreement that they can observe the behaviours in order to get a diagnosis (or referral in most cases).

I might be way off here but a year ago I felt like I’d fucked my whole life up. I didn’t want to wake up each morning. It turned out to be perimenopause causing anxiety, tiredness, sleeping issues, depression etc. A month into taking HRT everything was more manageable. 5 friends in the same early 40s age group have had a similar experience. It’s worth looking into. I have a few podcasts etc I can signpost you to if you want to look into this.

This was my experience. As soon as I hit 40, nothing worked. What previously kept me slim (spinning, running) just flat-out stopped working.

Another vote for WLIs. I personally take the tablet, Orlistat (much cheaper) but it has done what nothing else could. Fed up of people saying it's the easy option/lazy. It really isn't. You still need to work hard and eat well. Add healthy eating into that, which you will want to do naturally as you get fit, and you will soon feel a LOT better. WLIs are more of a kickstart than a compete solution. And honestly, running is a game changer. The difference it makes to your mood is incredible. I couldn't even run to the end of the street a few years ago, but you build it up. It doesn't take as long as you might imagine.

As I don't have young children I can't help with that, but I can see how much great advice you have.

You sound like a loving, caring, kind mum first off. Your weight can easily be taken care off so try not to stress too much. Losing weight is a marathon not a sprint. Start off by eating better and once you've got that sorted, you can think of exercise. The gym is good but so is walking, hiking etc. I lost all my weight by eating right and walking my dogs. Slowly going further and further every time.

Has your 9yr old been assessed for adhd / asd? My middle son was fantastic in school as he masked it. Soon as he got out them gates he was hell on wheels, screaming, kicking off, absolute meltdowns etc.
He was diagnosed at 8 bc he masked it so well in school. He's 19 now, driving and a fully qualified painter and decorator.

My husband (not my sons dad) has adhd with RSD, he is a nightmare tbh. Anything you say that he thinks is negative it is full on oh woe is me, your better than me I am the worst person in the world etc. He knows now I don't pander to it. I just say what I said and what you heard are two different things and I'll speak to you when you're thinking straight. Then we talk properly and we move on.
Sending love x

Does this 9 year old watch YouTube? Also things like Sam & Cat, Henry Danger et al? If so, ban them all, screeching American nonsense. It encourages kids to converse in a bizarre and argumentative manner. Monitor to see if this helps and reintroduce anything you don’t find driving this behaviour: asmr videos and similar.

I used to do children's week long residential weeks, they were all children at risk in some way who'd been referred for a break. We'd read them a bedroom story then pretty much cajole and soothe until they had lights off and had stopped chatting with us and then parole to make sure.

Another good one was that we'd play sleeping lions with them before bed. They lie down and were out if they moved. Calmed them down loads. They loved the competition element and never really realised it was a trick.

This is good advice.
Also regardless of what your husband thinks explore weight loss injections. You are living your life influenced way too much by what your husband said children want, you need to do more of what you want.
I have several friends on the weight loss injections and trust me they have never been happier.
Good luck OP x

I have a child with ADHD (and autism) but I don’t currently think that’s what this is. I think that you’re running on empty, and have nothing in the tank, and that includes being the boundary that your children need. Your DH could step up here. 9 and 11 is a time of life where the kids are growing / changing quickly with puberty hormones kicking in (which happens far earlier than the bodily changes). Their body clocks will skew later at that stage as well.

There is a lot going on here but if I were you I would decide that you are not going to worry about your weight for the next six months. Obesity is practically impossible to change long term without intervention anyway, so this is wasted energy. Your DH and you need to sit down and work out a plan for sleep training your kids. They need to be told they have got into bad habits and are using things like audio books as sleep triggers which aren’t helping them in the long term. And then, much like when they were much smaller, you need to buckle up and work as a team for a couple of weeks until they have a bedtime routine that works. I realised when I was resetting this that it all starts with making sure dinner isn’t late, and timing how long it’s actually taking your children to have a shower / clean teeth / put on pyjamas. I would recommend half an hour of reading time (or audiobook) baked into this routine to set a positive set of habits. All devices (or CD if it’s in a CD player) then removed from the room at bedtime. No nightlights (or minimal, and ideally red light), and be up and down checking they haven’t turned the light back on. You can actually use your iPad as a baby monitor if you can see the light under their doors.

When it comes to your DD shouting at you, that’s hard but you and your husband need to be on the same page. Set regular, time-based rules (shoes off when you come in, not at random twenty minutes later), lay the table while Mum or Dad is cooking, start homework twenty minutes after coming in from school. Everything needs to be predictable.

Is your DH actually an arse or is he just being short-tempered with you because you are being negative without making changes?

Firstly re- 9yo

you have to change the way you are dealing with her. If she is shouting and rude. Stop.
dd2 I will not get you things or respond when you talk to me like that. Please try that again or come back in 5 minutes and talk to me properly. Every single time.

start going for a walk or run 3 times a week and I’d take the 9yo with you.

at bed times leave them. If they keep getting up there has to be consequences. You might have to remove the books and the screens. They are all old enough for a family meeting to discuss bedtimes, you guys expectations and what they think the consequences should be and reasonable reasons for getting up. Get them to buy into their own discipline.

you have to carve out a bit of time for yourself everyday wether getting up a bit earlier and doing a bit of breathing in the living room or going for a walk or some decompression time once you get home.

maybe daily quiet time in the house. Where everyone has to be quiet for 10-30 minutes and entertain themselves. No devices, no loud sounds etc. just a bit of contemplation and calm time. Alone.

Also books etc can seem benign in a world of screens and blue light stimulation but bed times is bed time. So remove those if they’re a distraction.

When my kids were around that age DH and I would take turns to go away alone. He’d go on cycling breaks with mates , I’d go abroad to visit relatives. It made those intense years a bit more bearable. Would that be a possibility?