My life is a shambles and I am frozen

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I will try to articulate this as best I can but I don’t really know where to start.

I am 41. I am married and we have two girls, they are 11 and 9. I work full time in a high pressure office job (WFH one day per week).

On paper, my life looks good, pretty standard really. I think that people think that whilst I am a bit socially awkward (and fat), I generally have it together. My girls are the centre of my life and want for nothing. I’m performing well at work. Marriage is good, happy, husband is great, really hands on and practical, matches me 50/50 in the house (but admittedly probably not on mental load).

Inside, I am screaming.

I don’t sleep enough. This is an issue that’s getting worse. I am overweight. I don’t think my husband fancies me any more. He says he’s tired of me moaning about myself, being so negative, and not doing something about it, which I get, but my energy is utterly zapped by work and the kids, house etc.

My 9 year old, as adored as she is, is mega, mega intense and I find myself on eggshells around her. She’s just in my face all the time, constantly wanting attention (which she gets plenty of), constantly on the go and constantly talking. Won’t accept the slightest hint of criticism and shouts at you if she perceives that you are saying anything negative about her (I mean a neural comment such as “can you put your shoes in the hall” can elicit a furious response). She has a terrible temper (which we are working on) but as guilty as I feel saying this, she is just wearing me down. I love her so much.

The two of them have also started staying up really late, they have good bedtime routines but they just don’t want to go to sleep. So I don’t get any time to myself. Which is why I stay up.

I need to lose weight, get fit, be healthy but I don’t even know where to begin with it. I feel utterly frozen it’s like I know I need to go and do this but I just can’t. I’m so overwhelmed.

My husband is great but my god he simply doesn’t get it and I can’t explain it to him.

You say your husband is great but then you say he's dismissive of your weight loss plans and doesn't get (doesn't try to get?) how you're feeling about various things. Maybe he's fine and performing the basic functions of fatherhood but is he actually supporting you fully? You say you spend a lot of time with your 9 year old - is dad doing as much? If not, can he take her out and do activities with her to give you a break and hopefully tire her out for bedtime?

I’ve just lost 3 1/2 stone on WLI and I feel so much better about myself. Physically every part of my body feels lighter and more mobile. Yes, it is a lot of money but I write that off against the cost of take out coffee, less food, etc that I no longer consume.

Have a look on onethebeach.com for a short break. Just 4 nights away will be enough for you to mentally switch off. Do not feel guilty about taking a break from home, kids & the mental load - it will do wonders for you. Assuming you are in the UK, Spain will soon be warm enough for a quick get a away.

Bedtimes - why isn’t your DH responding to your youngest? Atleast a few nights a week he can sort out bedtime. I agree with a PP, she’s probably overly tired.

He tries very hard with her and he takes her to activities etc but she doesn’t really want him. I don’t really know why, he’s so good with/to her. Maybe not as much of a soft touch as I am. It’s always me she calls for at night etc and won’t generally accept him.

To be honest he’s great in terms of getting stuff done but no, he’s not that supportive. He’s quite black and white thinker, “if you exercise you will lose weight and there is no excuse for you not doing this” sort of thing.

See when you say he's a 'black & white thinker' and not a 'soft touch', to me that's just not listening, not being that interested in how the rest of the family feels etc. Your kids will pick up on that and so of course they want mum who listens and takes their opinions into account. Not sure how you can best get that accross to him. But maybe for your own sanity you just have to take yourself out of the equation and not be an option for the kids at times. They're fine with their dad even if they'd rather have mum.

Yeah that’s fair to be honest. He’s very practical and logical. Sometimes too much. We’ve fallen out about that before. He lost a lot of weight through running and eating well and was so bloody minded about it but I can’t seem to make it stick in the same way and he doesn’t understand why. Neither do I, to be honest.

It's easier to be 'bloody minded' if you're not factoring in everyone else's needs as much as you probably do? If you decided on a certain diet and just cooked that food for the whole family how would that go down? Decided to go for runs when you'd usually be entertaining the 9 year old? Also, you're biologically and hormonally differen to a man, so of course it's not the same. Don't let yourself feel bad in comparision! What works for him doesn't work for you and that's fine. You decide what you want to try for your health and then put your foot down about it.

I haven't read through all of the posts, so apologies if this has already been said.

1. Has your 9 y/o seen a doctor? Sounds very much like she is on the spectrum or similar. It actually sounds like she has more than one underlying condition going on. Speak to her teacher.

2. You can't force them to sleep but you can reinforce the consequences. Each night you stay up past such a time, that time will be deducted from privileges tomorrow. Stick to it and reinforce the message.

3. Eating better can massively improve mood, brain fog and of course weight. Lots of online ideas for healthy weekly meals without having to put much effort in.

4. Journaling and getting out all of the frustrations can really help, especially as a soundboard.

5. Be clear to others that you are also a person with feelings and with needs of your own. In order for you to feel respected at home, your needs and boundaries must also be met, just as you do so with others. Respect is to be reciprocated.

I'm a single mum full time and I work full time. I can totally relate to the feeling of sheer overwhelm, like you're a rabbit in headlights. It's hard but for things to get better, you have to be the source of change x

Definitely pursue ADHD diagnosis for your DD. Even just being aware of the possibility might help you deal with her and the (perfectly normal) frustration with her behaviours/needs.

And I also recommend WLI. My DH was a bit hesitant at first but is now on them himself. Sit and have a discussion with your DH telling him you have decided to give them a try for six months to help you get going. Point out that you are not him. Your brain/system etc is different. Losing the weight even just some will help you be happier in yourself which will have a knock on effect on your whole mindset. Tell him how bad you are feeling.

And definitely think about a few days away on your own. It’s invaluable if you can do it.

And as someone mentioned you may well be perimenopausal. Some doctors would say you are too young but I was done and dusted by 46/47. And was definitely peri at 41 as was going through IVF then.

If you think WLI injections would be helpful, start them on a trial basis and pay for them out of your own salary. Your husband does not get to veto expenditure that is for the benefit of your health. I bet he spends money on things for himself (gym, hobbies, a motorbike?)

Just to say that we are in a similar boat re bedtimes for our six year old, but have diagnoses in place. (Autism, not ADHD due to ADHD being diagnosed later, but the paediatricians are clear both kids are ADHD and there is a strong vein of it in our family including me).

It all makes you think about heritability, and I am one of those people who found weight loss injections have extra benefits. My body feels better when I am on them with less aches and pains and I have no appetite for self-medicating. Otherwise it would be that after hours of fighting our oldest to sleep I would be desperate to get out of his room and find something to make me feel better. It is so easy to say 'do some exercise' and so hard when your life is the hours disappearing into a hole of frustration. WLI injections (some times - it still isn't easy) let me break the link for myself. I have WLI to lose weight, I swim to feel better and to be physically tired, and to help me sleep.

I really hope it gets better for you, or at least that you can find a way to feel you are meeting your kids needs but also yours.

If DH has found the time to go running, it's fair that you also have time away from the kids for exercise too. I recommend swimming and saunas. It has been as good for my mental health as anything else. I have a friend who goes to a woman's walking club and has found that really life-changing too. You haven't mentioned supportive female friends - are you getting enough time to see them? Maybe the exercise thing would be easier if there was a social element attached?

If DH likes things black and white, be clear you need to carve out a specific time-slot each week and it can't be moved.

On food - could you get the whole family interested in healthy eating and cooking together? Could you consider Gousto and Hello Fresh food prep boxes?

On late-nights, can you simply turn off the wi-fi after a certain time?

Can you take the weight thing more seriously as a family - it is really important to avoid far more serious, scary, unpleasant health concerns in the future - if you need to throw some of the family budget behind it for gym membership, WLIs, better food etc this is an investment. Can you treat it like a work project with clear goals and accountability? Take the fact you are very successful at work as a good sign you will be able to tackle this!

For one, you sound amazing. And like you are very hard on yourself. Unless you are morbidly obese, try to go easy on stressing about your weight. Losing weight is a serious enterprise and it’s probably not over stating the case to say it is a bit like taking on a second (part time) job. The excercise, extra rest and nutrition focus are time, and energy hungry. Is that really what you want to invest a huge amount of energy and time into right now? Or can it wait a bit until your girls are a little more self sufficient and helping around the house more?

The other option is to take the weight loss drug. But that has its own pros and cons.

Your daughter sounds hard work but very normal and it sounds like she needs to be out doing stuff a lot so her busy brain is kept well stimulated , if possible by a wide variety of people and activities, and not always by you.

There’s always time for losing weight. Your girls don’t mind your extra kilos - I bet they much prefer having an engaged mum than one who spends evenings at the gym and weekends running marathons and batch cooking rabbit food. Unless it’s really urgently impacting on your health of course. Then it’s time to reorganise things. But you can’t do everything - there are only so many hours, and you only have so much energy. Make clear decisions about how you need to spend those right now and don’t beat yourself up. You’re not superwoman. None of us are.

I use the WeightWatchers app and find it really good. I have lost 32lbs, but still got a lot more to go. I have a very fatty liver, so losing weight and avoiding UPFs is vital!

Your eldest sounds quite a lot like mine- 8 year old son. You have my sympathy! Intense and exhausting. You sound really burnt out. I am not a clinician, but have you considered your MH? The grind can really take a toll, and there doesn't have to be a 'reason' to feel depressed. Who were you before this family life? Has she got an outlet? I would really advocate speaking to your GP and considering some counselling or therapy (BACP website good for finding one). Sounds like work is a source of pride and sanity to you, but perhaps worth considering whether being signed off so you can rest may help. Wishing you the very best. X

Your eldest sounds quite a lot like mine- 8 year old son. You have my sympathy! Intense and exhausting. You sound really burnt out. I am not a clinician, but have you considered your MH? The grind can really take a toll, and there doesn't have to be a 'reason' to feel depressed. Who were you before this family life? Has she got an outlet? I would really advocate speaking to your GP and considering some counselling or therapy (BACP website good for finding one). Sounds like work is a source of pride and sanity to you, but perhaps worth considering whether being signed off so you can rest may help. Wishing you the very best. X

Can I suggest yoga nidra for the DC? My DD11 was having huge issues sleeping last year and this has really helped her. She listens to a recording on Insight Timer and hardly ever makes it to the end before she's asleep. It could be worth a try for helping them settle down and relax?

Your earning your own money,so he doesn't get to decide what you can and can't spend it on .
I've lost 10 stone in a year on wli
Yes it's expensive,but worth every penny,I've more energy,I'm less tired and more able to cope...just order them ,hide in the fridge in a tomato puree box and don't bother telling dh ,it's none of his business anyway.
Dad sounds very rigid and stuck in his ways , autism came to my mind when reading about your DH and the difficult daughter.
I have a diagnosis of autism and my 2 boys do ..but I didn't spot it in my daughter untill she was an adult,but very much like you describe your daughter,
All of my kids didn't sleep,I spent hours sat on the stairs outside their rooms putting them back in to bed.
I'm afraid by secondary school ,I admitted defeat and left them to it .
They actually managed their own bedtime very well and we're up for school in the morning ok.
Now there are sleep clinics you can access and CAMHs .. definitely get a doctor's appointment and get your daughter on the waiting list to be seen by CAMHS and the sleep clinic

Sympathy @ThisIsAGlobalPlayerOriginalPodcast . That sounds really hard and like a perfect storm, almost. I completely get your problems around “just” going for a run or whatever. You do sound overwhelmed.

my thoughts fwiw: I second the pp who suggested perimenopause. I’m sure mine started when I was 41, it may even have been earlier as I had a major depressive episode at 40 and it could well have been linked (I also had extremely low B12, despite a consistent healthy diet with all the things you’re meant to eat, and similar to other times when B12 was/is normal). GP may do tests but those probably won’t be helpful, mine weren’t, but you can be persistent and there are non medical things you can do too.

secondly I think you need time to yourself, as important in the family calendar as going to work. Would it be possible for this to happen straight from work so that you don’t even get tangled up in domestic and parenting? Maybe you’re out all evening or maybe just an hour or two (whichever is most useful for you). In this time you could go to the gym, but I think something nice would be better. What would that look like for you? An art class? Dinner alone with a book? Yoga? A run or the gym if you like them.
I suspect the weight gain is interwoven with not sleeping enough and both could be linked to mood and hormones. Sorting them all is probably important, and it’s even more important to find joy doing something, which is why I think an art class (or weaving or a book group or whatever you love doing) might be as beneficial as exercise.

Final suggestion is yoga. It’s not just the movement, it’s the breathing and the meditation if you can find a class which offers all of these. They all have beneficial effects on the brain and nervous system and can help sleep and regulation. Yoga Nidra is also my go-to for insomnia (a pp suggested it for your dd and yes, worth a try for her too). It’s not something you can do wrong, you just lie there and follow the instructions. There are lots on Insight Timer for free.

Good luck, I hope you can find a way through 💐

Re time for yourself and getting started. Its hard when you are as frazzled as you sound. Are you more focused and stricter with yourself when you have a plan to stick to, if so download couch to 5k app (nhs). Its a dedicated plan to get you running for a continuous 30 mins. It’s also dedicated “you” time. Time to just be by yourself whilst getting healthy. Stick your earphones in, follow the plan and repeat the runs as many times as you need. Don’t compare your running to your husband. Do it for you. He sounds supportive of family life, ie he can look after the kids while you do this. Its hard when they are not understanding, its not always as easy as stop moaning and do something about it for some people, however in the gentlest of ways he is right, try and make some small steps for yourself, i did c25k, it helped me both physically and mentally. Good luck xx

In my 20s I found losing weight relatively easy, I hadn't had children yet and had all the time in the world to eat better and exercise.
Now in my 30s, I tried for 3 years to dot he same thing again, but the pressures of being a single mum and working full time, keeping the house running etc, I wasn't getting anywhere.
In fact I just gained more and more weight as the guilt and self loathing I felt made me to turn to eating even more.

I was on Mounjaro for 3 months and lost 2.5 stone, I've more been on Wegovy for 5 weeks and lost just over half a stone.
I was finding mounjaro too expensive, and to be honest I was only eating 500 calls some days as it worked so well, and if I ate more than that I'd be stuck on the toilet half the night.

Your medical choices have nothing to do with your husband if they help you to become healthier and happier and enjoy your life more.
Wegovy costs me £109 a month, I use to buy breakfast in the morning on the way to work, buy lunch, and then have something from the freezer for dinner.
Easily £10-£15 a day on food. Now I rarely buy anything on the go unless out for the day, and I can estimate I eat around £3-£5 worth of food a day,

Not to push you into wli, but they have been a game changer for me, they've allowed me to take back some control of my life.
Now just to sort out my crap job 😅

Wishing you luck and peace in 2026

If I were you I’d get out of the house and away from the family for 30 mins to an hour every evening to take a very brisk walk or go for a swim. This gives you “me” time and will benefit you mentally and physically. Knowing you have this escape puts life into perspective and makes your viewpoint more positive. It’s win-win for everyone.

If the children aren't tired enough to go to sleep it sounds like they might not be burning off enough energy. Even if they are active (walking to school/attend active after school clubs), you'd be amazed how much energy they can still have especially if potentially ADHD. Can you kill two birds with one stone and start doing something active with them which would also help with your weight loss? Family gym membership? Long walk? Jog? Get bikes and go for a ride after dinner? Swimming? YouTube dance workouts? Be clear and explain the reason is to help them be more tired at bed time. You could motivate them by letting them choose some new active wear/trainers/water bottles (although I'm aware this is another cost!).

You could even find it improves 9y/o's behaviour and mood.

If this isn't something the want to do, then it might motivate them to go to sleep earlier then you could have some time to do something active yourself. Get an exercise bike (cheap options on amazon or fb marketplace). Even just a 15 minute intense burst a day on it could make a difference or a gentler 30/60 mins while you watch a show/listen to a podcast and have some time to yourself.

'I need to lose weight, get fit, be healthy but I don’t even know where to begin with it."

There isn't any great secret to losing weight: Eat less and move more.

It will be hard at first but eventually you will become accustomed to a smaller intake of food and so will your stomach. Just ensure that you are eating a good balanced diet, just less of it. Serve your food on a side plate instead of a dinner plate.

Move more: Since you are not sleeping use the time to get up one hour earlier. Use the 1 hour to walk to work. If you are driving to work, park your car a couple of miles before your destination and walk the remainder. Get off the train a couple of stops earlier and walk if you are commuting.

Late nights: Set the challenge that everyone is in bed by 10pm and up at 6am. Try it for a week. Tell your household that it is a game and there will be a cash prize at the end of the week. Get into good habits.

OP you sound like a fab mum.

My children are younger so different issues, but I’ve a friend with kids the same age as yours who said that magnesium gummies really helped with her children.

If you have an office job, could you go for a 20 minute walk after lunch every day as a starting point? It’ll get you away from your desk, doing some exercise and I always find helps with work stress too (as the saying goes if you can’t find time for a 10 minute walk, you need a 20 minute walk).

But it does sound like the underlying issues ultimately might need professional support, potentially peri for you and ADHD for your DD. (I was very similar to her as a child, really explosive tantrums when I was probably far too old, and now I’m older I’m almost certain I’ve got ADHD that was never diagnosed as a child)

Your youngest sounds like she could have ADHD. Definitely look into this even the behavioural strategies might help if you don’t end up going down the medication route. You don’t mention how much exercise you or your kids do. My eldest was a lot like yours about sleep until we dramatically upped her exercise levels about 2 years ago. It helped enormously. Both my kids do about 6 hours exercise a week and we’ve noticed sleep has massively deteriorated over Xmas while all their clubs are off. This would also help you with your mood, body image and feeling of no time to yourself. If you are anxious about committing to classes or a gym particuarly if you feel self conscious about your weight just get some home small dumbbells and start doing something on YouTube eg Joe wicks (if you don’t like him there are loads of others)