My life is a shambles and I am frozen

[ThisIsAGlobalPlayerOriginalPodcast]

I will try to articulate this as best I can but I don’t really know where to start.

I am 41. I am married and we have two girls, they are 11 and 9. I work full time in a high pressure office job (WFH one day per week).

On paper, my life looks good, pretty standard really. I think that people think that whilst I am a bit socially awkward (and fat), I generally have it together. My girls are the centre of my life and want for nothing. I’m performing well at work. Marriage is good, happy, husband is great, really hands on and practical, matches me 50/50 in the house (but admittedly probably not on mental load).

Inside, I am screaming.

I don’t sleep enough. This is an issue that’s getting worse. I am overweight. I don’t think my husband fancies me any more. He says he’s tired of me moaning about myself, being so negative, and not doing something about it, which I get, but my energy is utterly zapped by work and the kids, house etc.

My 9 year old, as adored as she is, is mega, mega intense and I find myself on eggshells around her. She’s just in my face all the time, constantly wanting attention (which she gets plenty of), constantly on the go and constantly talking. Won’t accept the slightest hint of criticism and shouts at you if she perceives that you are saying anything negative about her (I mean a neural comment such as “can you put your shoes in the hall” can elicit a furious response). She has a terrible temper (which we are working on) but as guilty as I feel saying this, she is just wearing me down. I love her so much.

The two of them have also started staying up really late, they have good bedtime routines but they just don’t want to go to sleep. So I don’t get any time to myself. Which is why I stay up.

I need to lose weight, get fit, be healthy but I don’t even know where to begin with it. I feel utterly frozen it’s like I know I need to go and do this but I just can’t. I’m so overwhelmed.

My husband is great but my god he simply doesn’t get it and I can’t explain it to him.

I am a tiny bit older than you. Girls the same age. 9yr exactly the same. We suspect ADHD though the school disagrees as she’s fine there, she isn’t fine at home and I suspect she masks to a certain degree at school.
What helped me was HRT massively. You are probably hugely perimenopausal which makes everything feel like a slog.
Secondly you need to prioritise yourself even above your kids. Take that time out. Join a gym, if that’s what you want. Go for a run. Go on holiday. Frankly sod the 9 year old if she can’t cope without you, she’ll bloody well have to. Stop making your children your entire world and make yourself your entire world. You have to be selfish in order to be able to show up for them.

Im not fat enough for WLI bmi 28 and can’t find anyone to prescribe so I’ve joined slimming world and I go to the gym. I also take spa days and go away with friends to recharge. The kids miss me but they cope. They have their dad. You need to take something back for you

Is it a financial thing, is there a reason you need his agreement to use weight loss injections?

I was also wondering about ADHD as it sounds as if your youngest is really struggling to focus and switch off. I am surprised though that this hasn't been picked up at school. I wonder if it would be a good idea to go to school to tell them the struggles you are having? Some schools are incredibly supportive and you could work on strategies together.

You are juggling so much. I think as women we take on a lot of the mental load (eg. Organising lunches, childcare, diet, outings, holidays, appointments) the list goes on and on! I remember feeling overwhelmed and I became resentful that my husband did not seem to really get it. I wondered if your husband really understands how difficult this is. We also tend to come last in the queue when it comes to looking after ourselves. Would it be possible to write down all of the things you do in a week and talk with your husband about sharing some of that load?

It also sounds like you could do with a break. Is there any way you could arrange a weekend away or just some time to yourself as I am worried you will become really ill. A GP visit is a good start. Many have wellbeing practitioners who will advise about diet and lifestyle. Sometimes, just talking to a healthcare practitioner is all it needs to kick-start a healthier lifestyle. The burden is shared and you will have the feeling that you aren't trying to do this alone.

You sound like an amazing mum and I really hope things get better for you. Please let us know how it goes. Sending love and strength. ❤️

Op I hear you life is tough!

Could you break this down into really small achievable steps.

Set a 12 week plan for yourself (just waht I have done!) - where you try to do one healthy thing for your diet (mine is going carb free for breakfast) - and do one fitness - ie. a fast paced walk/ couch to 5k - it would be a break too if you can get out of the house.

write a list of what you could do and see it as self care rather than some sort of pubnishment of yourself.

with the kids, I also get this as my 11 year old is very intense - I just think sometimes we parents need to take a step back - if she is rud,e just say calmly - that is not okay and try not to engage.

bedtime - how about there is a time they are in bed with books/ low light whatever and you stop trying to control them falling asleep so much. Say - right from 8pm it's in your bedroom time - you can draw/ play/ read but no downstairs after that. that's how I cope with my intense younger child.

My daughter has had intervention from an NHS sleep clinic so I've had all the advice - and one that helped is it's good for the brain to do a calm focused activity just before sleep ie. bead threading/ art/ drawing - it can be in bed, perhaps with an audio story on.

btw - my 11 yr old is autistic and hugely attached to me but I do still go out - I go to choir once a week and I've literally had to peel her off me crying at the door trying to stop me. It's good for kids to see you put yourself first and have hobbies.

Also “eat less, move more” doesn’t work for women post 35/40 the same way it does for men. Men are simpler creatures 😉

What you can do is put boundaries in and enforce them. No, you can't make them sleep but you can insist that they stay quietly in their rooms. You can remove devices rather than threatening to do so. Empty threats cause behaviour like that of your younger daughter.

And if you are working, you should be able to decide what to spend your money on, regardless of your husband's comments. But it would be best to talk to your GP first, they might prescribe it.

As people have said. I would start with getting them in their rooms by a certain time. What they do from there is up to them. DS - 7 colours and reads and sometimes he’ll fall asleep at 7.45 and sometimes 9.00. It doesn’t matter to me as long as he’s not tired in the day, which he isn’t. I also think he needs that downtime and the colouring and reading help. Don’t worry about them not sleeping for now. Get them in their rooms and have some time for yourself from 8pm.

And another thing on the weight thing. What helped for me is to basically stop complaining and see myself as worthy enough as I am. Oddly, when your self esteem goes up, it’s easier to lose weight. Do a nice skin care routine, do your hair, wear something that isn’t oversized and black. Whatever it is, invest in yourself a little. I’ve only ever lost weight feeling content about myself not shit about myself.

Can I just ask why you allow your DH to make health decisions on your behalf? That’s part of your problem; you feel impotent.

Take back control. Buy Mounjaro. You will lose weight, feel much more confident, and the other problems will fall into place as you find your agency again.

Choose one thing for you eg a pay as you go exercise class, and just got. All month. Just something you’ll like eg dance if you like that or Pilates etc. nothing to be a wonder fix just one thing.

it doesn’t matter if someone else has an opinion that it’s an expense. You work full time, you deserve something for you!

after a month , add one mor thing. Could be getting a 20min massage once a month or nails. Nothing productive, just something you enjoy. For no purpose other than enjoyment. Once you start doing these type of things, your self esteem will go up and you’ll start to take up space again.

dont sacrifice yourself for everyone else 24 hours a day. It’s your one life. Take up space, do things just for you. You deserve it.

For losing weight I'd recommend the Nutracheck app. I think they have an offer on at the moment but if not it costs £35 for a 12 month subscription. All you need are kitchen scales, the app and a bit of determination to weigh what you are eating. I lost 2 stone in 7 months and it didn't involve extreme exercise or time either.

I can't help with the child issues though sorry. Good luck.

You sound like you're doing an amazing job @ThisIsAGlobalPlayerOriginalPodcast but you're experiencing a burn out possibly?
Its nice to hear your husband shares parenting etc with you.
Im not sure he's who to talk with about weight loss though. Running may have worked for him but may not be your answer.
Are you able to discuss it with your GP? Are you diabetic/prediabetic? They could prescribe you a drug to help reduce your appetite possibly?
As this is your health, don't ask your DH what you need, tell him this is what you are doing 🪷

Are you a perfectionist when it comes to your kids op? That’ll be a factor in burnout as well.

Hello OP. I’m really sorry you’re going through this. This time of year can be a good opportunity to pause and reflect. You’re carrying a lot right now, and trying to fix everything at once can easily lead to even more burnout. When I read your message, what stood out most was that you aren’t really prioritising yourself, and that’s something that needs to change, starting now.

I’d suggest beginning with just two things. You mentioned struggling with your weight and how you feel about yourself, and working on that may help your confidence and overall mindset, so it could be a helpful focus for the year ahead. You might even find that some of the other issues start to feel more manageable as a result. Make a commitment to yourself, think about what feels realistic, and take it step by step. Using any free time you do have for exercise can help with this goal, but also give you space to relax and improve how you feel overall. Whether that’s walking, a class, or something you enjoy, it should feel like time for you. You might also find some inspiration in The Relaxed Woman by Nicola Hobbs.

You say you feel too burned out to do this, but weight and image struggles combined with having no time can become a vicious cycle. Sometimes making the commitment and accepting a bit of discomfort for a short time can help you break out of it, and then you can see how you feel.

The second thing I’d suggest is carving out more time for yourself. It doesn’t sound like your current work setup really allows for that, so it may be worth putting in a work from home request for an extra day a week or considering a role with more flexibility. I also noticed that you often describe yourself through the eyes of others, such as saying “I am performing well” rather than “I enjoy my job.” That’s just something to reflect on.

I’m not sure what advice to give about the children, as mine is only a baby, but it does sound like there may be a pattern of the children ruling the house. After a couple of weeks of prioritising yourself and working on a plan to get the free time you so desperately need, you may feel more able and energised to start tackling the parenting side of things too.

Be kind to yourself today. Maybe journal and think about how you can start making some positive changes. You sound like a lovely person. Best of luck.

Unfortunately this is just the bloody hard parenting bit.
You've got to be firmer, and consistent and carry out threats. So if the eldest is up at midnight reading, compromise with her and say lights out by 10pm. Take the bulbs out of the room if you have to. You could start the bedtime routine earlier too, so they wind down and feel more sleepy earlier. They will soon get bored of walking around their rooms in the dark. And although a bit older than most for this to start, nothing wrong with rewarding good behaviour. Star charts etc, one star for every night they are in bed, lights out and calm per night = a fun event out later on.

And please do look at how you are doing everything for the children. You say you cannot go away because your daughter would not cope. Of course she would! She may not like it, but she will cope. In the kindest of ways, you're letting your children rule the house for fear of them having a melt down.. let them melt down! They will soon learn it doesn't help or work to manipulate mum.

I think sometimes we can fall into a trap of all our needs put aside for the children, then we reach burn out. I think it's time to get more of a balance, but that will be hard work from mum and dad to get to that point and mum and dad as a team.

For the kids sleeping - if they need an audiobook why is that a problem? Mine has adhd and needs something to listen to so he can fall asleep so he has the Calm app for sleep,stories (so do I). He also has a star projector on a timer.

This is great advice!

Totally agree that you need to sort out the sleep before the weight! Good luck.

Order yourself melatonin online, once you sleep better, you'll feel better, once the children are back in school they'll sleep better. I'd go to bed earlier and get up an hour earlier! You'll feel better, tiredness leads to bad moods and bad food,
I think changing your routine will really help as you're going to bed overtired and tensed.

Gold star 🌟

At adolescence, the body clock shifts so that kids naturally want to go to bed and wake up late. This can be quite extreme if they also have a naturally late chronotype.

Your youngest sounds like she has ADHD (who as adults usually have full blown delayed sleep phase disorder) and pathological demand avoidance.

Research these and see if there’s any tactics or methods that could help.

I think her main issue is the kids
Got any helpful tips for that too?

I agree with PP. The girls are old enough to understand that you’re a person too and need your own time and space. In the nicest way possible, I think you need to ignore them more.

Kids actually need time away from their parents and being entertained. They need to build resilience and boredom coping skills. I’ve found that the less I entertained mine the more resourceful and happy they became.

Also, don’t compare your weight loss with your husband’s - men and women are very different in this regard. For women it’s not a case of just exercising more and eating less shite because of our hormones.

You might benefit from some HRT. How is your gut health? If I were you I would make three small steps to start with:

• Halve your carbs and sugar
• Start eating fermented foods eg kefir, sauerkraut
• Do 5-10 mins of strength exercises eg Pilates or weights every day before cleaning your teeth

These are simple steps that don’t require a lot of time or willpower and I promise you’ll see a difference.

If your DH is 50/50 then either why don't you get any time to yourself, or does he also feel the same as you about having time to himself? Either way, that's something that needs to be addressed. Even the smallest amount of time can make a big difference in resetting your nervous system when you're stressed, which in turn makes it a little bit easier to cope.

You sound like me 100%. Sorry - I feel all of your pain!

look up “declarative language” - maybe check out “at peace parenting” on insta / facebook.

you’re describing is me 2-3 years ago with the same child. I now know that child has autism & adhd and is demand avoidant, which means that simple requests to them seem like challenges / assaults on their autonomy which send them into fight or flight mode.

even without any diagnosis, reading about how PDA can be reframed as a nervous system disability and changing your approach and language at home will probably help to make progress and keep your daughter regulated so she’s not ready to fly off the handle at any given thing.

I agree with the break it down into tiny steps approach.

Can you go out every evening? I know this doesn't help with relationship with your DH, but it might help wean your DD from her dependence on you. You could go for a walk or even to the gym and kill two birds with one stone.