To secretly wish that mum would help more

[Jeanleanbean]

Hi, I’m posting on here as I can’t really say this in IRL as I’d be branded entitled!

Mum is mid seventies. We have. Good relationship, despite being very different people. She lives in her own lovely home that she owns outright. She has over 130k in the bank and a monthly income of just over 2k a month.

we are 40 with a young family and escalating living costs due to mortgage hike etc. some months are a struggle. Last month our boiler died and this led to us having to take on debt to fund a replacement. Mum knows this.

I suppose I just secretly question why she doesn’t offer to help more. I know I’m an adult etc etc but I can’t imagine being so comfortable and watching my child struggle.

on a couple of occasions she has given us small loans (never more than 1k), but even then, she’s insisted on a strict and short repayment plan.

am I being an entitled brat, or do you think she should help more?

The money your mother has in income and savings isn't much in terms of security. She clearly doesn't have excess funds. If she were to need to pay for help at home, private medical care or a care home her savings would be very much needed. She sounds like she has just enough for her own comfort and peace of mind. At 40 you absolutely shouldn't be looking at her as a source of money to make your life easier. A lot of people would be thinking about what they could do for their parents as they age.

I think people get nervous with money around retirement as obviously they lose the ability to earn and so have to be very careful with what they do have and consider things like the potential of funding their care. I’m like you though, I could never see my dc struggle if I knew I could help.

This.

Arguably by being responsible with her money now she is trying to avoid is passing on a potentially even bigger financial burden onto you if she needed care given the state of the system.

More adults need to have that point of view. My Mum & Dad paid for my wedding when i was 17, it was the last time the financed me. I had my Dad for 40 years after i married and not once did i ask him for a single penny. I was an adult and i paid my own way. Folks need to learn to cut their cloth. The saying "look after the pennies and the pounds will look after themselves" is true.

The "I can afford a new boiler, why can't you?" brigade are woefully out of touch. Love the idea that after 40 everyone should magically be entirely financially solvent, esp in a CoL crisis 🤔Of course some are irresponsible with money, but there are PLENTY of hard-working people who 'cut their cloth' but still struggle to make ends meet. Meanwhile the rich are getting richer.... Go figure.

Let’s not forget she’s asking for support with a boiler for probably 3-4k. She’s not asking for tens of thousands of pounds.

Good for you.
Its different days now for younger people. A lot different to your day.
Recognising that might make you more sympathetic to posters like the op.

Ops in her 40s
I will hit my big 40 in December.
I made a change in my early 30s around around 31 I knew things had to change.
Now 39 im comfortable.
Its mostly to do with choices we make.

Your mother is still parenting you in a different way - she’s letting go hoping you will fly because she won’t always be around.

Sorry op but your in your 40s an adult with your own family.
Your mother cut the apron strings along time ago.
Life is tough for a lot of people right now but we have to deal with it and make better choices not run to our parents for help.

My kids can always run to me.

I agree with you OP my parents were the same with money but it has now led to me giving money to my son and daughter and regularly checking if they are ok financially. They always say yes but i always check and want them to know they just need to ask. There is probably nothing you can do as your mum just is not generous

In reality you chose a lifestyle you can’t afford then expect to be bailed out, she probably thinks you wouldn’t have children if you couldn’t afford them so there is no need for her to pay because of your bad choices.

Seriously? Someone is struggling a bit with the cost of living and they’ve made bad choices and shouldn’t have had children? Listen to yourself!!

Well there is struggle and there is struggle . I help my family and have gifted lots of money to them . But I know they have lots of discretionary spending and I can’t continue to supplement their life choices .

My parents helped my sister financially after her divorce until she got on her feet again. They were kind parents who couldn’t look on and not help. I would do the same if my daughter needed help too.

That's a specific situation. There's nothing in the OP to suggest that there is a divorce in the offing.

Exactly! OP has said that her DM has given her small amounts of
money (£1000), in the past. She feels she needs more and more
frequently and doesn’t agree that the money she has received should be loans.

I know a few people, whose parents gave them absolutely nothing except the dictat, “you are 18 now, it’s time for you to fend for yourself”. Who have gone on to be very successful.
One in particular will leave a fortune to distant nieces and nephews, or maybe a donkey sanctuary.

OPs DM, could have paid for her new boiler! OP could have taken out boiler insurance. Two perspectives, who is right, who is wrong?

We know, that those of us, that do help our adult children financially, from time to time, on the whole, do not do so as loans but some people do, and consider it good financial management for their adult children.