To secretly wish that mum would help more

[Jeanleanbean]

Hi, I’m posting on here as I can’t really say this in IRL as I’d be branded entitled!

Mum is mid seventies. We have. Good relationship, despite being very different people. She lives in her own lovely home that she owns outright. She has over 130k in the bank and a monthly income of just over 2k a month.

we are 40 with a young family and escalating living costs due to mortgage hike etc. some months are a struggle. Last month our boiler died and this led to us having to take on debt to fund a replacement. Mum knows this.

I suppose I just secretly question why she doesn’t offer to help more. I know I’m an adult etc etc but I can’t imagine being so comfortable and watching my child struggle.

on a couple of occasions she has given us small loans (never more than 1k), but even then, she’s insisted on a strict and short repayment plan.

am I being an entitled brat, or do you think she should help more?

I think we were talking about people who don’t help out.

I am in a similar position to the OP's Mum - a reasonable pension (fortunately some of it is index linked) coming in at just under £1800 a month with a reasonable level of cash in savings. I am also mortgage free in my own home so no rent to pay, but I do have to have contingencies for maintenance as and when required.

I have helped my two children (both in their 40s) out in the last few years with deposits on homes etc. BUT it's always been on an interest-free loan basis. And, bless both of them, they have paid me back at the specified rate per month so my level of savings has been restored even though I've lost some interest.

That is the best way to help them out - offer them an interest free loan where they determine the monthly amount to pay it back rather than blindly give them a chunk of your finite resources just because...

Your mum may well hang on to her money in case she needs it for care in the future, so she doesn't have to burden you. The older I get the more I'm beginning to think like this too...it's scary!

You state she won’t need to feel bad if she can’t help, because by not paying for the boiler her mum has communicated her expectation that adults shouldn’t put themselves out for others.

Her mum has a finite amount of savings for her retirement which will need to pay all her costs for as long as she lives. Not paying for the boiler doesn’t necessarily speak to her thinking all adults need to be independent, so much as her mum needing to be able to fund her own life. If her daughter can’t afford a new boiler, she’s unlikely to be in a position to help her mum once her mums savings run out.

Her mum may help her in different ways, not funding a fully adult child’s life doesn’t mean she thinks her daughter never needs help, it just means she can’t provide financial help.

I agree, it's generous to offer this but even that is not enough for some adult children, they feel hard done by that their parents expect the loan repaid at all.

Which comes back to if parents don’t help their kids financially they shouldn’t expect help in old age?

I would never expect my mum to financially help me out, I’m an adult .

my mum has had a hard time(left a widow at 31 with 2 under 9). She has worked hard for every penny of savings she has which is no where near 130k and I’ve told her to spend it on herself.

she is very generous at birthday and Christmas time and would give me her last penny but I wouldn’t take it off her.

im an adult and earn my own money, I have learned to save when I can and live within a budget.

I stated that the op shouldn’t feel stressed if she is not in a position to help care for her mother in old age, correct. the precedent was a response to the whole OP not just the boiler.

You outline the reasons why the mother feels unable to “fund the Ops life”. This is a straw man argument as the Op does not state the she has asked or expected her mother to “fund her life”.

Why should the Op become stressed with guilt if she is later unable to support her adult mother? If we feel we are unable to do
something for our closest relatives , then why should we ?

And as for the mother “may offer support in other ways”, we don’t have any information about that or reason to suspect this is the case.

Parents should not expect help/care in old age. Particularly if their adult children are not in a position to help, or do not feel they are able to help.

Just as adult children should not expect help from their parents.

Yes it would be nice, but nobody is obligated are they?

Works both ways doesn’t it?

The emphasis is all on OP's DM helping.

Where is the DF? MIL? FIL?

Have you tried being old in the twenty first century . Her savings will get eaten up in no time.

Have you perhaps tagged the wrong poster? I can't see the connection between my post and yours.

I’m torn here.
youve said you’ve taken on debt, are the repayments affordable? It’s not your mums responsibility to ensure her adult daughter has money for things like this. Many many people would just take out debt for something like this without question and wouldn’t expect parents to fling them. After £k because they don’t have any savings.

have you had holidays? Bought new clothes? Luxuries?

Another one I’m torn here. I only get 25 days exl public hols and 3 mandated over xmas

i spend a lot of my hols taking my mum for appointments that’s my choice. I spent a lot of money in 2024 some my choice some not. I'm on a good wage but it’s tight

like you my boiler went this year. 18 years old so no insurance as ridiculous price

my mum gave me the £3.5k I told her no but she insisted. I'd like to think if I had a bit of cash to send someone something, especially family I would do it

Your mother isn’t in a position to just go earn more money. As she needs home repairs or new appliances over the next 20 years, her savings will dwindle. Even without potential care costs, she isn’t in a particularly flush position. She is wise to watch her budget.

She might need her money for care. Her savings aren’t a great amount and would disappear quickly.
You want elderly parents to have money because it can help you bail them out of difficult situations and make their lives a lot better.

My mother and my PIL are both millionaires. Never gave us a penny. It's their generation.

Totally agree!

If her income is 2k per month she will need her savings to supplement it every time an unexpected expense pops up. When you consider the cost of household repairs/replacement appliances/future care needs etc etc that 130k won't last forever.

OPs mum is not sitting on loads of money though. She doesn't have an high income, so will need to dip into those savings every time something comes up, an appliance breaks or god forbid, she maybe wants to enjoy her retirement a bit. 130K is really not loads over 10-20 years.

That's a hugely unfair generalisation.

I do think you are being a brat OP.

I didn't mention care at all.

Of course the expectation is that they'd be financially independent but if your adult child was genuinely struggling to make ends meet and you were worried about them, you wouldn't give them some money if you had it and could ease their burden?

My PIL are like this. Bloody loads in the bank but SIL is now a single parent to young 3 kids in a tiny house. They could give her a sizeable deposit to rent a bigger house but they don’t. They’re saving it for inheritance 🙄. I said there’s no guarantee they’d be any left anyway if they had to go into a home.

There's a reason she's got £130k in savings. She's got that because she's kept it for herself and hasn't handed it out unnecessarily throughout her life. I've got half decent savings but I don't share them with anyone as otherwise I wouldn't have my safety net. It's what would pay the bills for several months if we ended up unemployed or in poor health. It's up to you to save up your own money so you can be in a similar position in future. I didn't get much help from my parents and that's what taught me to be good with my own money.