To secretly wish that mum would help more

[Jeanleanbean]

Hi, I’m posting on here as I can’t really say this in IRL as I’d be branded entitled!

Mum is mid seventies. We have. Good relationship, despite being very different people. She lives in her own lovely home that she owns outright. She has over 130k in the bank and a monthly income of just over 2k a month.

we are 40 with a young family and escalating living costs due to mortgage hike etc. some months are a struggle. Last month our boiler died and this led to us having to take on debt to fund a replacement. Mum knows this.

I suppose I just secretly question why she doesn’t offer to help more. I know I’m an adult etc etc but I can’t imagine being so comfortable and watching my child struggle.

on a couple of occasions she has given us small loans (never more than 1k), but even then, she’s insisted on a strict and short repayment plan.

am I being an entitled brat, or do you think she should help more?

I think, as with most things, the answer is somewhere in the middle. You shouldn’t expect, and she should perhaps consider helping.

But if she’s not going to, which is her choice, then you need to move on unless you want to ruminate and damage your relationship beyond repair.

I’d never directly ask her as it would make things akward. I’m just sharing my inner thoughts

130k in savings potentially intended for care she may need is actually not a lot at all, I don't see why she should be supplementing you at 40.
Did you not take out insurance for your boiler?

You do sound entitled, but I can understand why you feel like this if money is short.

we don’t have boiler insurance sadly.

I know it seems entitled and this is why I’d never verbalise these views in real life

I think perhaps that your low income leads you to think that hers is massive...I can't imagine having £130k in savings, but equally can see that it isn't a huge amount in the grand scheme of things considering care, living for however long without a job etc.

Likewise £2k sounds a lot, but isn't a huge amount for many.

How much do you earn as a family?

You haven’t asked, but that doesn’t mean you don’t think she should be offering.

I do think that if you’ve chosen to have multiple children and are 40, you basically have to accept that that’s your lot to sort. I do understand it must be very frustrating to know there is a solution to your issues and that you can’t access it, but they are exactly that: your issues. You’ll go mad if you keep thinking ‘what if’ and ‘but she could just…’

I know, it's kind of like just wanting a fairy godmother to come and wave a wand!

I get what you’re saying op. I was gifted some money earlier this year and I gifted half of it to my kids even though I could have done with keeping it for myself as a single person but I don’t like to see my dc struggle so I helped them. I don’t understand parents who sit on loads of money and watch their dc struggle.

I would have thought that £2k pcm is probably what she needs for a comfortable standard of living and £130k doesn’t go very far especially when your mother won’t be able to get a loan if she needs a lump sum in the future. I know plenty of retired people who have needed savings to cover the costs of cars, hip/knee replacements (unable to wait for the NHS queues) or other private healthcare, property repairs, vet bills, household emergencies (new boiler, applicances etc) and general day to day larger expenses.

I think YABU. You’re an adult and expecting someone who has reached retirement with a small savings buffer and only £1000 pcm after the state pension to get by. What happens to her when she needs some money in an emergency if it’s gone on her adult-child? The cost of living affects her as well.

It's understandable to think it in secret but ridiculous to expect, sorry.

There are two adults in your household who have taken on mortgages and children with adult understanding of what costs they entail. Part of that is having a budget and taking out stuff like boiler cover.

Your mum has cut her cloth, you haven't.

I struggled a lot with debt throughout my twenties and then only just had enough to get by on throughout my thirties and forties, especially through the childcare years. I'd never have thought I would be in the comfortable position I am now and, frankly, I want to enjoy it! I do pay for several things for my adult children, but struggle is part of life, I'm afraid. It's now your mum's turn to be comfortable, yours will come.

You are being very entitled
2K is a reasonable income for her
130K gets you 2.7 years in a care home at 1K per week
Complex care is even more

You are 40, with Dc, and so should have a plan for things like this, not expecting your DM to be bailing you out

It’s likely are care home savings….may be she thinks she’s doing the reposnsible thing …..unlike yourself who has chosen to give your money away and let the taxman pay for your care…..no judgement…..no right….no wrong….but doesn’t give you a 😇 cos you gave your kids a few quid

I can’t imagine getting to 40 and secretly hoping for financial help from my elderly DM’s pension.
Does your DH have parents , if so why aren’t you posting about them?

I might be able to offer some insight from your Mum’s perspective. As a retired person, it’s very worrying that the money I have is all I’m ever going to have. I have no option to top it up with future earnings. I’ve gone from saving every month to now depleting those savings every time I need to do some work on the house or do some of that travelling everyone thinks I should be doing. I get anxious about running out in later life. Money looks different from different angles.

Your mums parenting days are over.
She now has her life and her time and her own money to herself, im sure when all her kids were younger she had some hard times.
Now it's your turn to raise a family just like she did.

We are all where we are at today because of the choices we made.
Im some what comfortable living not much going out and no debt.
Adult child moved out.

But years ago it was different story I had debt I had worries and a child to care for.
But I turned it around.
Now im comfortable.

£2k is roughly what I get each month too. Some of it goes towards clothes and stuff for my grandkids but the COL means I'll be cutting back this year.

Like your Mum I'm a similar age and I suspect her £130k savings is for future care. It may seem like a lot to you but it isn't in the grand scheme of things when you are old. I don't have any savings at all so well done to your mum for thinking ahead and being able to save. It's tough for young families I know, but I can see your mum's point of view.

My mum rarely gave me money until she got to her 80s ….she needed to know she would have enough….I never asked for any or expected it….she’s almost 90 now….has downsized and had 4 inheritances and an extra pension of my dads ….so is now very generous with her DC now

Karmas a bitch, lets hope she doesn’t need help in the future.

Who’s pissed on your chips ?

I agree it’s her money and she can do what she likes with it. But I wouldn’t see my DS struggle if I could help him. I have to try and stop my mum paying for everything when we go out as she’s comfortable (although so am I) but she keeps saying that she likes seeing the GC enjoy themselves now while she’s there.

I'm with you @friedaddedchilli but having no savings I have to use credit cards (zero interest) when emergencies arise. It's not easy being an old person!

Op, yabu. Ordinary care homes charge £6k to £8k a month. Her £130k would last less than 2 years. I know it sounds a lot but it isn't. She is absolutely right to not touch it. What if she needs a new boiler?

As a working couple, you and your dp really ought to be able to cover a boiler repair. I'm a single mum.and I had the same in early December. I put it on a credit card, and will cut back to the minimum in Jan and Feb to repay it. At 40, you really shouldn't need your mum's help.

Her mother

I hear what you're saying OP and it's okay to feel the way you do. You are struggling and see that your mother isn't and know (being a mother yourself) that you couldn't watch your own child struggle. The fact she can help but chooses not to is hard to swallow but unfortunately not all mother's feel the same way you do, as your mother is demonstrating. It's right you haven't broached it with your mum though. I'm sure she knows you struggle and chooses to not help (more than a small loan). She has her reasons and as hard as it is you must accept it.