To secretly wish that mum would help more

[Jeanleanbean]

Hi, I’m posting on here as I can’t really say this in IRL as I’d be branded entitled!

Mum is mid seventies. We have. Good relationship, despite being very different people. She lives in her own lovely home that she owns outright. She has over 130k in the bank and a monthly income of just over 2k a month.

we are 40 with a young family and escalating living costs due to mortgage hike etc. some months are a struggle. Last month our boiler died and this led to us having to take on debt to fund a replacement. Mum knows this.

I suppose I just secretly question why she doesn’t offer to help more. I know I’m an adult etc etc but I can’t imagine being so comfortable and watching my child struggle.

on a couple of occasions she has given us small loans (never more than 1k), but even then, she’s insisted on a strict and short repayment plan.

am I being an entitled brat, or do you think she should help more?

My MIL is basically a millionaire and watches us all suffer like getting blood out of a stone if you need help! I don’t get I’d always help my kids as long as I knew they were trying and working etc. life is so much more expensive than for example buying property in the 60’s and 70’s. Saying this I don’t think your Mum is at the level of wealth where she won’t have worries but she is sitting quite pretty. People are weird with money unfortunately and it can really mess with you . My Dad would have always given me his last penny but also we were never spoilt just knew he would be there if really needed.
So you really can’t do much about it but accept the fact that this is how she is . It’s sad I know .

Have you directly asked your Mum for financial help? She may not know you are struggling. If you are, tell her

This. If everyone fends for themselves, then if she suddenly wants you to take on care, be driving her to hospital appointments and the like - and it's far from unusual for older people to decide this is what they want and expect - then you can say 'sorry, can't afford to take the time off work. You could book someone to help you?'

Also, though, the boiler going is the kind of thing where people don't feel an emotional pull to help out. If the money was to directly help her grandchildren, do you think she'd see it differently? She might not, of course.

Interesting!

From my point of view, a busy working mother taking on extra hours and therefore depriving her family of her presence and herself of rest is not the solution here. I think OP was merely observing that a little financial help from her mother would take the pressure off, not that they were off to the poorhouse any time soon.

Mother's finances are not entirely stagnant either. Unless she is monumentally stupid, in 5 years, she will have at least 25k more, and in 10 years when she might really have need of some cash, she will have around 200k. And that is relying on passive savings accounts only. With some nous, she should double her money in a decade.

It’s not just care home fees but routine expenses that aren’t typically ones covered from the monthly pension.

You’re probably well aware of the expense of household accommodations and adjustments that are also needed to keep people, especially those who are single and have no one at home to help, supporting them so they don’t need additional care in a home. Many end up paying for additional household help such as a cleaner or food deliveries that are a greater expense because they are unable to cook.

If the OP said her mother’s savings had an extra zero on the end, then I would think she was well prepared for retirement and could afford the occasional financial gift to help out. However, she’s a long way off because able to comfortably support herself and has no other means of help, financial or otherwise since she is single.

No, she doesn’t…. Read it again.

And in that time the cost of living will have also increased so when she needs a lump sum for household repairs or to support her in deteriorating health, the costs will have also increased.

Please can you explain how you come to these increasing figures when earnings on savings are diminishing? Asking for a friend.

Perfectly put.👍

When you reach retirement it can be a sobering thought that your earning days are over, your pension is your only income and your savings have to last you the reminder of your lifetime (and then some as there is a funeral to be paid for before the estate is settled).
With an income of just over £2k/M it is quite possible that she may need to supplement her day to day living expenses from her savings. Add to that the potential for a new car / boiler / roof / kitchen / bathroom / mobility scooter / household emergency etc, savings of £130k may sound a lot to some (it's really not) but she is probably being very careful.

I assume pp was talking about interest (which she’ll also pay annual tax on) which will keep her savings in line with inflation and not much more. It’s also assuming that she keeps that lump sum and doesn’t have to eat into it, which is highly unlikely on her meagre income.

Good luck to her, she’ll need it!

My uncle is paying £7,000 a month in care fees. Your DM has less than two years fees saved and then they'll take her home. She's not as well-off as you think she is, unless you're going to provide care if necessary.

2k a month after tax is not a massive income and even if she is mortgage free that will only just cover her bills (council tax, heating, electricity, water, telephone, internet, tv, buildings & contents insurance, car running costs and petrol), any leaseholder charges if in a flat, pets and food plus all the other health things that aren’t covered by the NHS like non-basic glasses (lighter lenses,anti-glare coatings etc all aren’t covered), hygienist appts, dentures etc plus any maintenance work that needs doing on her home leaving not a lot for books, hobbies, clothes or outings unless she wants to stare at 4 walls and her TV everyday.

She’ll be budgeting very carefully so it’s not a surprise you can’t have handouts and loans must be repaid - you probably get 1k loaned at a time as that as much as she feels she can afford to lose if you don’t repay.

i’d be expecting to help my mum out if this was her income and total savings if she had unexpected medical bills as it’s nearly impossible to get private medical care at her age.

Its not wierd to hope or expect your ADULT children to manage and budget properly for themselves.
House deposits yes
Xmas/ birthday yes

Things like a new boiler should be part of Ops contingency plan.
What if their car breaks, job loss etc
So grabby and lacking in moral fibre to feel entitled to someone else's money

Even today, you can get ISAs/savings accounts offering around 4%. Which is what my (very rough) calculations are based on.

But the mother is mid-70s, so likely will have had her lump sum for a while, hopefully held in an account with a much higher rate of interest.

That's assuming she won't have to use any of her savings in the meantime e.g
for emergency repairs at home. The likelihood is that her £130k will be less in 10 years time.

I'm speaking from experience btw (age 77) as my savings (which were never more than £20k) have been used up and if I need anything (last year a new sofa) I use interest free credit and pay it off ASAP.

Agreed, the mother’s financial situation is one where any conversation about help should be regarding it coming from the adult child rather than the other way round.

I think you have a point. I’m late fifties and a few friends have retired and now play an active part in their dm’s lives. They had help with post graduate training and deposits on flats. The ones who received nothing are still working FT and not really available to. I already do and intend to help my dc as much as possible. I don’t want their lives to be as hard as ours have been. But not everyone thinks like that.

I don’t think yabu, my mum has very minimal savings and struggles, in fact sometimes I have given her money for repairs etc. However, I know if she had thousands in the bank she would help me if I needed it. £2k a month with no mortgage or rent is a decent amount of money. Lots of parents would help their adult children, it’s not unreasonable to be disappointed that she doesn’t offer help. Yes she may need it for care in the future but it’s just an “if” she could defiantly help you a bit here and there

@Nothingbutstress even if the OPs mother doesn't need her savings in the future for care, anything left will probably be inherited by the OP.

“But, equally, she can't reasonably expect a huge level of practical………..support” @QuinqueremeofNiveneh maybe that wasn’t worded clearly either.

Why not? OP says they have a good relationship. I assume OPs mother intends to pay for any care costs in later life, and therefore will not require financial support, but a bit of practical support; attending doctors/hospital appointments, picking up the shopping, a bit of housework, etc, is not dependant on how much financial support her DM gives her now, is it?

I understand op. Our in-laws are wealthy but have even allowed their own dd to have to go into a refuge instead of helping get with rent short term. I can’t get my head around having money and watching your dc struggle.

im older now. Just before Christmas our dd washing machine broke. We got her a new one. We haven’t got much but if we have it then we help. Isn’t that what family is for!?

YABU.
£2k a month, which will be taxed, isn’t much to run a home, car and for bills etc. at all. She won’t be living a luxury life on that. Equally, £130k isn’t a lot of savings for care home or home care fees. Presumably she wants to be able to make choices about care in her old age, which I totally understand, and good on her for planning.
She’s obviously very sensible with money as she has made helped you with loans before but was clear on the terms. Again, good on her.
I think you and your DH need to look at maximising your future incomes via further training or promotion to give you some financial wriggle room.
Can you imagine the responses to a post saying I’ve worked hard and saved all my life to ensure I can have the care I want in old age, and my daughter keeps expecting me to bail her out frequently…

I’m a similar age to your mum but with less savings.I’m mortgage free too and have an income of about 1.8k.

I have about 50k saved and I feel very comfortable and fortunate.

my monthly bills and food come to about £800 and I usually put £500 into my savings each month. I support my daughter a lot financially, for example- I have just paid a car repair bill for her and in July I am taking her ( plus her family) on holiday.

in terms of care costs, etc- yes I understand that, however for me, helping my daughter now is more important, if and when the time comes, my priority and any remaining savings can be used towards my care costs.

I can see both sides here. I think what is missing from your posts, OP, is any idea of how careful (or not) you and your DH are with money. Are you both literally living a life in which your only spending is on needs rather than wants? Or would your Mum's side of the story be that she has seen you spend money on holidays/home improvements/a non-essential second car? You also haven't said how many children you have. If you've chosen to have 3 or more children, I could imagine your Mum thinking that a big family is a choice and that it's not her responsibility to fund that choice.

Not RTFT but I expect MN will have ripped you to shreds for your OP. I totally agree with you though. I’ve two daughters and I would never see them struggle if I was in a position to easily help. If I was your mum I’d have paid for your new boiler.