To secretly wish that mum would help more

[Jeanleanbean]

Hi, I’m posting on here as I can’t really say this in IRL as I’d be branded entitled!

Mum is mid seventies. We have. Good relationship, despite being very different people. She lives in her own lovely home that she owns outright. She has over 130k in the bank and a monthly income of just over 2k a month.

we are 40 with a young family and escalating living costs due to mortgage hike etc. some months are a struggle. Last month our boiler died and this led to us having to take on debt to fund a replacement. Mum knows this.

I suppose I just secretly question why she doesn’t offer to help more. I know I’m an adult etc etc but I can’t imagine being so comfortable and watching my child struggle.

on a couple of occasions she has given us small loans (never more than 1k), but even then, she’s insisted on a strict and short repayment plan.

am I being an entitled brat, or do you think she should help more?

whilst 130k isn’t a fortune, I’m surprised at how many posters are saying that “it’s not much money”, “she’ll struggle on 2k a month”…. Total bollicks. The OP’s mum is in a far far better position that a lot of retired people.

So because millions of people live in poverty, you’re saying OP’s DM should also be forced to live in poverty so her daughter is spared the prospect of buying a boiler on credit?

My council tax, gas, electric and water bills alone are £1000 a month. That’s before broadband, TV, various household insurances, car insurance, tax, maintenance, petrol, food… I’d struggle to run my home on £2K a month and have anything left for a haircut or god forbid, a new pair of boots.

£130,000 is £125 a week for 20 years. It isn’t a fortune. OP is a grown woman in her 40s! My own DCs were adults when I was her age and I was paying for my DM’s new boiler. I had my eldest at 17 and raised 3 children without expecting money from my DM.

Don’t be silly, I didn’t say that. Are you suggesting that the boiler cost would push OP’s mum Into poverty?

Not on one occasion but where does it end? A boiler now. In six months the car breaks down and OP can’t get to work and asks for money for that too. Then DM gets more infirm and needs a cleaner… It really wouldn’t take too long until that’s gone.

So in a few years when the savings are gone and DM’s own boiler needs replacing, who will pay for that?

I understand mothers wanting to give their DCs a good start in life. I gave mine big house deposits, paid for uni, driving lessons etc. But there comes a point where enough is enough. Why are women forced to give up everything for their children until the day they’re lying in their grave? They can’t have anything. Can we not reach a point where DCs say “It’s okay Mum, you’ve given us more than enough and we’re grateful. You can keep something for yourself now”.

I can see both sides. It can be hard to think you have enough money if you've struggled in the past, or even realise others need help if they never say anything. I never asked my parents for anything, they didn't have much, but they would always help me first when they saw me struggle regardless of their needs and jumped in with gifts and support without me asking and when I could I helped them, again not being asked but because I could and wanted to. We don't have children, but we now help friends, much younger adults, with support and small useful gifts of money because we can and want to and it is appreciated, but they have never asked, but we know it helps. I think you could ask, but be careful and prepared for a change in relationship. What your mum has is really not that much, just seems it and her approach to money may be shaped by her early life, but as others had said there's no topping up her pot, for you there is. There should never be an expectation of help, but I see how tough it can be looking at something from your current position.

Don’t talk shite 🙄

Personally I would help my DC in this scenario.

Is she tight natured?

I’m not judging, some people just are.

I think it is a shame she doesn’t help you. In her place I would as we do help our adult children. I think housing costs etc mean many young families are struggling. £130k plus presumably her house and the £2k monthly income is plenty to cover care should she need it in later life.

She owns her house outright and also has a comfortable amount in the bank, plus her monthly £2000.

I think she should pull her finger out.

Presumably when the DM has actually given something.

So in a few years when the savings are gone...

How many faulty boilers and broken down cars would it take to exhaust £130,000 in 'a few years'?

@Nevermind17- catastrophising much?

To you it feels shit that you are struggling and your mum has a nice big nest egg, to her she has put aside money for her future care and you look like you are managing. What if she gives you money for a new boiler and then your car dies. Maybe next year you will need a new roof, where does it end? Once her money is gone, it's gone.

Which shows that they may need it for thir own care, and their adult children need to take responsibility for their own lives.

She actually has helped you in the past even if you don't think it was anything special. Her loaning you small amounts of money has potentially saved you from having to take on debt with high interest and by having you pay it back it protects her savings meaning she can do the same again in future so her money can help you and her.

You’re either young and naive, or just financially illiterate.

If OP’s mum wants an average income, she’d need to dip into £633 of savings every month. That’s just to bring her up to an average, moderate income. Is she entitled to that or should she live in poverty?

As I said previously, I’ve spent £60K in five years helping out my family. It really doesn’t go far when they need a new roof, or a down payment on a car.

On top of all that, he chances of needing to go into a care home are low, but the chance of needing care within the home is high. Even one visit a day for an hour costs over £1000 a month. If you needed three visits a day that would be over £36,000 a year.

Could you sleep at night if your parent couldn’t receive decent care because you’d taken their savings? Would you be remotely bothered if your parent was lying awake at night worrying about not having enough left to live comfortably in their final years?

Hopefully OP’s DM will never need care, and is happy to eke out a living on £2k a month and when she’s gone, OP will get the lot. Until then OP needs to provide for herself.

@Nevermind17 I do think that some of the posters who agree with the OP must be young and of the opinion that old people are all well off! As for those who state they would always help their adult children, no matter what, that's their choice if they can afford it. I for one, can't and I can see why the OPs mum can't even though the OP hasn't even asked.

Sorry but I’m just LOLing at all the pearl clutching on this thread suggesting that someone with £130k of savings, when they are mortgage free and have a £2k a month income isn’t comfortably off. I suspect the majority of people when they’re in the 70’s wouldn’t have this much money in savings. The small minority that end up in a home probably end up in a state care home anyway.

OP, FWIW I don’t think YABU, my parents and my IL’s would never see us get into debt for a boiler if they could pay for it without it breaking them. I don’t know what you and your DH are like with money though, if you’re not v good with money/ have form for getting yourselves into debt and she’s constantly had to help you out over the years then I could understand her not offering this time, but otherwise YANBU.

I'm LOLing at people acting like a pensioner with 2K income is rolling in it and 130K is a huge wealth she should be sharing with her adult child's family.

This is such an interesting thread about other people’s money!

We do seem to be living in desperate times. This desperation does seem to have created a sense of entitlement, and causes us to look at others in terms of what “they” have got and “I” haven’t. Even down to parental financial help and childcare. Some parents will and do, some don't. Some can and some can’t.

It is very sad to see that a narrative has been inserted into the thread, that suggests providing financial support for adult children, might guarantee, practical support in old age, and for all of you transactional deniers, it has!

My message to us older ones, is
look after your health. Stay active,
get yourself a set of weights, resistance bands, walk, make good lifestyle choices because we actually don’t want to be cared for by our adult children in later life. But a bit
of shopping and housework doesn’t cost much, does it!

And get your finances in order, because “they” are watching!

I agree it’s a real shame that some parents on here seem to think that because they have paid for driving lessons etc, their children are expected to become their carers in old age, despite the fact that their children may be time poor and exhausted from parenting and working long hours to keep roofs above heads etc. Very sad and transactional.

I’d never expect my children to provide my care. But having worked my whole life to save for it, it would be nice if they could leave me with enough of my own money to pay for it!

My comment obviously wasn’t referring to you then :-)

Yabu. Care homes are expensive unless she wants a shitty over subscribed council care home. 130k will only cover a few years. If your willing to care for her in her old age, then maybe yanbu but otherwise yabu.

Will you give up work to care for her if she gets dementia or will you expect her to pay for care (perhaps for a decade or more if she's unlucky)?

If she needed specialist care it might not even cover a year