To secretly wish that mum would help more

[Jeanleanbean]

Hi, I’m posting on here as I can’t really say this in IRL as I’d be branded entitled!

Mum is mid seventies. We have. Good relationship, despite being very different people. She lives in her own lovely home that she owns outright. She has over 130k in the bank and a monthly income of just over 2k a month.

we are 40 with a young family and escalating living costs due to mortgage hike etc. some months are a struggle. Last month our boiler died and this led to us having to take on debt to fund a replacement. Mum knows this.

I suppose I just secretly question why she doesn’t offer to help more. I know I’m an adult etc etc but I can’t imagine being so comfortable and watching my child struggle.

on a couple of occasions she has given us small loans (never more than 1k), but even then, she’s insisted on a strict and short repayment plan.

am I being an entitled brat, or do you think she should help more?

Sorry OP. On this think what your Mum has is hers. She’s not responsible for your living costs or offering to help you out. You know this hence why you haven’t asked.

That said, I’m with you too as if I was in her position I would want to help out my DC. Fact she doesn’t is just one of those things and as you otherwise have a good relationship might need to let this one go. At least you know where you stand. If you have unexpected costs you’ll need to find it from other sources.

The mother isn’t well off though. She has a small amount of savings and a very modest pension to survive for the rest of her life with no means to increase her income or any way to replenish her bank funds once the money has been spent.

Most households have additional expenses from time to time and easy covers several thousand per year. The mother has no means to increase her savings in line with cost of living and potentially has a very bleak future ahead of her without the savings she has worked hard for.

Is your dad around Can he help more?

How about MIL and Fil if they are around?

£130k isn’t a huge amount of money seeing as she can’t add to it in retirement, that’s it. And £2k a month isn’t a huge income either. She should be enjoying retirement now, not subsidizing her adult DCs, and she’s also being sensible and has money she may need for care later on. At 40 you really should be able to manage without your parents help, how much is your income? Presumably at minimum 2 x minimum wage and potentially more?

I think there’s a point when adults need to stand on their own two feet. I’ve never had financial support from parents and, in all honesty, wouldn’t expect it. My parents worked hard to save for their retirement and I’m doing the same - running a home and providing for children is hard but it’s part of life.

Is she aware how much you are struggling? It might not even have crossed her mind to offer to help. I couldn’t see our adult children struggle but would only offer if I knew they were in difficulties because I had no financial support from my parents or in-laws, it certainly taught me ti budget and cut our cloth, which is why we are so comfortable today. I have friends who earn well but spend every penny on luxuries as well as necessities because they know parents will bail them out if eg the boiler broke. I wouldn’t condone or support that in my children (I know your situation is different, just adding that as an aside).

Massively sympathise OP, my parents are dead and my PILs do not support us in any way, so we're doing it all on our own too. It can be incredibly tough at times.

But I also think that financial help often comes at a great cost...

At least you're entirely free. Including free to choose the level of assitance you will provide for your mother when she perhaps grows frail or unwell. She really cannot, and perhaps will not, expect anything from you beyond the bare minimum, as she's established a precedent whereby adults in your family are expected to manage by themselves.

I am assuming she is retired so 130k in savings is her safety net. House needs major repair/needs homehelp or care etc. She would not be able to get a loan so would have to come out of savings that need to last the rest of her life. When should she stop helping you? When she has 50k? 30k? And who is going to pay all her bills when she has none left?

£130k is not a lot actually. As PPs have said that would cover her care in later life.

Her home will be an asset that you may inherit.

Dipping into her savings, every now and then, to help you would diminish it quite quickly.

You know much of her financial situation, does she know as much about yours. Does she feel that you are as astute with your finances that warrants her assistance?

I do give my DD assistance from time
to time, young family, 2 children, but, it’s a tricky one, if I feel that maybe they are not on top of their finances because of bad money management or poor decision making, I will happily give advice, which my DD is good at taking.

Wow! You missed the point that her mother has £130k in savings no doubt to pay for her possible late life care because she DOESN'T expect her daughter to care/pay for care when the time comes.

Agree with you OP, I’d find it not very nice if my mum was super comfortable and I was struggling and having to take out debt and she didn’t offer.
But there’s nothing you can do or say so you’ll have to just put it to the back of your mind.

I think the problem is that the health service is shit and private medicine is astronomical and a rip off. At her age, she might be worrying that she'll need her money for care and health costs later. Your money getsxesten up very quickly when you are old. People have no idea .

Maybe I didn't word things clearly?

I was merely expressing sympathy with OP as we're in the same situation financially and I know it can be really tough, especially when sudden costs crop up.

(In other words, I don' think you're an entitled brat OP!)

I then went on to say that, actually, not being beholden to anyone as a result of financial support is actually pretty wonderful. And arguably worth more than any cash that might be forthcoming!

We can't know what OP's mum's money is intended for. Maybe she's saving for a Tesla or plans to elope with a gigolo? Or wants to be prepared for care/medical bills. Her money is for her to do as she sees fit.

But, equally, she can't reasonably expect a huge level of practical or financial support from her daughter if she were to become unwell or struggle to manage in some other way. And not having that obligation awaiting you is also wonderful.

But the OPs mum is not super comfortable. She has an income that sits well below that needed for a moderate level of comfort in retirement, and has sufficIent savings to cover, at best, a years worth of care and a few unexpected home repair bills (new boiler, new roof or replacement windows). It’s clear that the OPs mum can’t afford to support her daughter out of her pretty modest pension income, so what level of savings should she leave herself? I don’t think people consider what it feels like to only ever have less and less money year after year when it’s not possible to ever be in the position to save more.

www.retirementlivingstandards.org.uk

Also agree with op, I'm few years younger, half the savings and much less pension but I would have paid for your boiler if you had no money to fix the situation without going into debt. I do frequently give my sons small amounts of money. But I guess everyone is different, I struggled financially when they were young with not much help from my mother so think it's coloured how I am. I also do not worry about carehome fees as its a very small proportion of people end up in one (I work with older people in hospital so know this) but perhaps your
mum feels it's inevitable and does worry about having enough money for it💐

She has got hardly any money and needs that to survive off. The likelihood is that she doesn’t have enough for decent care home fees for very long anyway and if she gives her savings to her adult daughter, who is clearly incapable of managing her own finances, she won’t be looked after in her old age either!

I think you are being unreasonable expecting her to help. It is her money. You chose to have children, to live in the house you are in and to have the lifestyle. At 40 you should not expect a helping financial hand. Your mom's child- rearing days are over.

They are in 2 different situations . Daughter can get more work. Mother has finite finances.

There's also home improvements, new bath, boiler, roof to consider. Ops mother is not in a comfortable position, she has no other way to add to her funds if something needs replacing in her retirement.

I don't think you're unreasonable to hope for help like this. However, she may feel obliged to pay for each and every unforeseeable cost that you occur, when sadly they are a fact of life.

Exactly this.

I totally get you and would feel the same way. I know if it was my child and I was in that position i wouldn’t hesitate in helping

Maybe your mum thinks you don't help yourself. Maybe she thinks you waste money and doesnt see why she should bail you out.

I entirely agree with you! OPs mum's money is absolutely hers to save or spend. And she doesn't have a lot of it!

But it's also fine for the OP to wish that some help was forthcoming. It doesn't mean she's a brat or entitled.

Life in the UK is hugely expensive, wages are low, public services and support for families non-existent and it can be really hard. Lots of our friends have everything from school fees to holidays paid for by their parents. It really takes the pressure off.

That said, their generosity, almost always comes at a cost. Guilt, enmeshment, feelings of obligation, general interference...

So swings and roundabouts. But I'd err on the side of independence myself.

A £2K a month income is not “comfortably off”, it’s the equivalent of a single income household on minimum wage. My elderly DM has a similar income and I help her out. I couldn’t imagine expecting money from her small income.

£130K is not a lot of savings in retirement. It would be different if she had millions. Even aside from care costs, that sum could very quickly deplete if she needed a new roof, new car, new hip etc. How do people sleep at night expecting their parents to live like church mice to supplement their own incomes, when they are young and healthy enough to earn their own money.