To secretly wish that mum would help more

[Jeanleanbean]

Hi, I’m posting on here as I can’t really say this in IRL as I’d be branded entitled!

Mum is mid seventies. We have. Good relationship, despite being very different people. She lives in her own lovely home that she owns outright. She has over 130k in the bank and a monthly income of just over 2k a month.

we are 40 with a young family and escalating living costs due to mortgage hike etc. some months are a struggle. Last month our boiler died and this led to us having to take on debt to fund a replacement. Mum knows this.

I suppose I just secretly question why she doesn’t offer to help more. I know I’m an adult etc etc but I can’t imagine being so comfortable and watching my child struggle.

on a couple of occasions she has given us small loans (never more than 1k), but even then, she’s insisted on a strict and short repayment plan.

am I being an entitled brat, or do you think she should help more?

What a horrible thing to say! OP has a good relationship with her mother and probably had a good childhood too.

Apart from 1k towards my wedding from my PIL and DM I’ve never received any money as an adult from my parents.
I’m still very happy to do a lot of care for my mid 70’s DM. She’s actually in a nursing home , I visit twice a week but up until then I looked after her every other day for a few years.

This is a helpful perspective 👏

Eh? So the years she spent caring for her daughter don't count for anything? Maybe the good position she's in is positive karma for that and her own prudence?

Why are mothers expected to put themselves last for the whole of the rest of their lives?

No she hasn't.

£130k once retired may sound a lot to you but her pension is modest and that money needs to last her the rest of her life. She’ll be drawing on so much a year I suspect plus it will need to fund any care she needs especially the kind that’s lower level as the state won’t step in until needs are high, think help around the house. Any repairs to her home etc will be coming out of savings. We have a lot more than that and still worry it isn’t enough to last

I don't think it's entitlement so much as wondering why it feels like your parent seems to be OK to see you struggling. If I knew my DC were having sleepless nights or worse worrying about debt, and I had some decent savings, I would give it to them in a heartbeat.

Your post was devoid of any humour, it was just nasty.

What is your problem on this thread?! Jeez.

Well let’s just say I’d prefer it if you called me Dame.

@LML1989AL I've reported your personal attack posts.

Thanks @MNHQ for deletions

You chose to have kids.

You chose to take on a mortgage at whatever % of income you have taken.

If you are failing to save for rainy days and need your mum to use what she did save (and cannot ever add to now she has retired) then you need to look again at your finances overall as these things will always come up and costs aren’t going to improve in the short to medium term. It sucks but how many times will you want your mum to bail you out and are you happy to then see her with worse care when she needs it as you’ve just been depleting her fund?

Having £130k savings at retirement is nowhere near the same as having them when working. You need to reframe your view of that.

Yeah it’s weird she hasn’t helped you. I would like to think I’d help my DC out if I had that much and believe that if I needed help in the further and you were able you’d return it.

Ahh another MN clairvoyant - where does she disclose her relationship or childhood in this post

I dont think you sound entitled at all @Jeanleanbean. I can never understand these very comfortably off parents who dont want to help their adult kids. We aren't remotely anywhere near as well off as your mum and id give my adult dc my right arm if they needed it.

Im just sorry.

But £130k really isn’t a decent amount of savings. Not these days and with the knowledge that all future expenses for the rest of her life have to come out of it.

In the OP. You’re embarrassing yourself.

But what happens if the OP can’t return it? The mother will go without through no fault of her own, despite saving to prevent such a situation arising.

I’m really surprised by the people who think that having £130k when retired is the sort of money that goes far. The mother has no way of earning to replenish any financial gifts she gives and looks likely to end up in a precarious situation in the future.

Yes, I was thinking the same. Care home fees nowadays are astronomical. Our local one is over £2k per week! £130k would not last very long (though, presumably she also has a house to sell, so should be able to fund 2 or 3 years in a care home if that's needed later on).

YABU OP. My DM has similar in the bank and is a similar age. That may sound like a ton of money but she will not have the opportunity to add more to it in the same way you will. I think that you chose to have your family, unfortunately that is how things go.

Mid-70s means she may have another 20 years. In that time she may need a new car, kitchen, bathroom, windows, boiler, or re-wiring. All things which most people are able to save for out of their earnings. She’s sensibly saved to cover these potential costs if they come up in retirement. She’s obviously better off than most people but I wouldn’t think she’s rich or that she should be paying towards normal household costs for you.

I understand these feelings OP, they are normal when you are struggling, but they will pass and shouldn't be verbalised. 30s-40s is just a difficult season of life financially for many people - I'm 33 and in desperate moments I have found myself trying to work out whether inheritance could pay off debts, etc. Then feeling guilty because of course I don't want anyone to die. It is just hard. Persevere, don't say anything or become resentful. It will pass.