To secretly wish that mum would help more

[Jeanleanbean]

Hi, I’m posting on here as I can’t really say this in IRL as I’d be branded entitled!

Mum is mid seventies. We have. Good relationship, despite being very different people. She lives in her own lovely home that she owns outright. She has over 130k in the bank and a monthly income of just over 2k a month.

we are 40 with a young family and escalating living costs due to mortgage hike etc. some months are a struggle. Last month our boiler died and this led to us having to take on debt to fund a replacement. Mum knows this.

I suppose I just secretly question why she doesn’t offer to help more. I know I’m an adult etc etc but I can’t imagine being so comfortable and watching my child struggle.

on a couple of occasions she has given us small loans (never more than 1k), but even then, she’s insisted on a strict and short repayment plan.

am I being an entitled brat, or do you think she should help more?

This.

i do think that your DM should help or offer to help, but you can’t force her to. it may not necessarily be intentional as people can easily forget the struggles of the earlier times in their life once they are past this stage themselves.

Also it’s probably worth pointing out that adult DCs often think their parents are rich when they aren’t. I’ve burnt through £60k savings in five years - not on living costs but from helping DCs out. I can’t do it anymore because what little I have left I need for my retirement. But I know they think I’m rolling in cash because I’ve helped them in the past.

Is it really bad of me to want to actually finally spend something on myself for the first time in my entire life? Maybe OP’s DM feels the same.

Very good point. Don’t sweat it if she needs help but you’re too busy working and looking after your kids to help… you won’t have to feel bad about not going out of your way / causing yourself discomfort for her sake.

I think that’s fair when young adults are just starting out - I fully expect to help my kids get on their feet. By the time they’re in their 40s though I don’t think it’s unreasonable that adult children cover their household costs, it’s ridiculous to still be relying on the bank of mum and dad half way into your career.

So you think that OPs mum should pay for things like a new boiler for example just so OP won't abandon her when she is older and infirm? Wow. Hope my kids don't think like you do.

I have given my DD quite a bit of financial support over the years. She is setting up her own business. I told her at the beginning of 2025, that I expect her to be financially independent by the end of 2026. Fingers crossed!

I didn’t say abandon, you’ve just made that up. I said the Op won’t have to worry too much if she isn’t in a position to help. As PP pointed out, OPs mother has set a precedent that adults shouldn’t expect too much help at a cost to their relatives. Op isn’t obligated to help her mother just as the Ops mother isn’t obligated to help her daughter. Surely her mother wouldn’t be expecting her daughter to bend over backwards and inconvenience herself ?

The thing is that now, people in their 30s and 40s are more likely to have young children and be taking a career hit. It's often the most expensive time of life, coupled with the cost of living crisis at the moment and mortgage rates going up.

I had plenty of disposable income and savings in my 20s when I was single and child free, in my late 30s not so much. You can say its a choice to have children but it goes both ways. I chose to have my children and I won't see them struggle if I can help it, even as adults in their 40s.

That’s a seriously transactional approach to relationships, and one I hope my kids don’t inherit. Basically unless I’m prepared to bankroll them for their whole lives I can’t expect any support or care from them?

There are many ways to care for or support each other that doesn’t involve a retired parent spending their life savings on their fully adult children.

2 people in their prime expecting a retired parent with modest pension to help out? 130K in the bank is not a lot, she may live another 20 years with increasing needs and no option to increase income.

The op hasn’t said that she is expecting to be “bankrolled for the rest of her life”. Making things up again…

why would you expect your children to care for you in old age? That seems quite transactional to me.

i merely stated that the op shouldn’t stress too much if she is not in a position to help. Would you expect her to care for her mother even if it’s a huge struggle for her?

So, I pay for driving lessons, help them through university, help with the deposit for a house, help them while they establish themselves in a career, then help them with childcare, and then in my 70s I still am filling their financial gaps? At no point are they expected to be financially independent, and if I don’t agree with that I can’t expect them to support me in old age?

No you should’ve expect your children to care for you in old age just because you paid for things.

My DM didn’t ever give me a penny of financial support. But I do bend over backwards, I do attend her hospital/doctors appointments, do her shopping and a bit of housework, amongst other things.

I am way past 40, have DGC, a DH that needs my care also and a newly married DD. And I run my own business. And I will not inherit a penny because there ain’t none!

Wish I could use the to busy excuse, but it doesn’t work like that!

The implication was there - if you don't help someone who is old and infirm that is abandonment in my book. And all because her mother doesn't offer financial support to her 40 year old daughter and family.

I don’t, but folk here seem to think they should get financial support from their parents and should withdraw help if they don’t get it.

I help my kids because I love them, and will continue to help them in adulthood - because I love them but that’s not likely to be financial once they are old enough to stand in their two feet. I hope they’ll help me for the same reason, because we have a good relationship and love each other.

Exactly what I was thinking too. Where is your DH in this OP? Instead you are expecting a pensioner to help you out. You need to re-frame your thinking, be happy your DM is comfortable and not relying on YOU to help her out.

Nope, that’s not what I implied or meant.

That’s really kind of you, and hopefully you are helping because you want to and are able to!

Maybe they will help you and care for you, but maybe they won’t be in a position to. 🤷‍♀️

You linked financial support with care, so if you didn’t mean withdrawing care if no financial help, what did you mean?

I would help my kids in her situation .

That may well be the case, but I’d be very disappointed if “not in a position to” actually meant “because you didn’t pay for my boiler”.

I stated that if the op isn’t able to care for her mother later in life then she shouldn’t feel to stressed about that.

you on the other hand have repeatedly linked financial support with care in old age.

That’s not what I said though is it? I said “if you can’t help because you are too busy” eg working long hours and looking after children. Which is a possible outcome. Why should the op get stressed out if she isn’t able to care for her mother in old age?

I’ve two daughters and I’ll support them in every way I can. I don’t expect them to care for me in old age because of this. That would be transactional. I’d be mortified at the thought of them working long hours to make ends meet, looking after their own children and then feeling that they need to care for me too. I wouldn’t expect them to run themselves ragged for my sake.