DM doesn’t want to come in Christmas Day, keeping the kids presents until Boxing Day

[User545464]

I’m really upset and need a little perspective here. Note this is chat not AIBU please, I’m looking for opinions. DM and DB live 1.45 hours away. We have previously had them to stay overnight, but it’s always been tense and this year with the recent death of MIL, we’re having BIL to stay overnight anyway so there’s no room. I did offer to pay for a hotel, as DM doesn’t want to “spend all of Christmas Day in the car”, but also doesn’t like that I will have bought gravy and bought custard, amongst 101 other ways I do things that she doesn’t like. (I don’t have a range cooker like she does!!! Plus want to spend time with everyone not be cooking all day). So they’ve decided they’ll come on Boxing Day instead.

Which is fine, all absolutely fine. We’re sorry we won’t be seeing them, but we will still hopefully have a lovely Christmas Day and full credit to them for deciding their boundaries and coming up with a plan which works for them.

My issue is that I met them last week, and we’d loosely discussed handing over presents. (Both ways), without being specific on which ones. I’ve bought a few bits for mum to give others and she’s picked up some things for me to give, in addition to what we’re giving each other. The problem is mum has decided she wants to see the kids open their presents so she and DB didn’t bring what they’re giving the kids. On top of this, we obviously don’t have anything from deceased MIL coming, and my aunt will kindly give us money for a day trip rather than something physical to open. Net the kids will have three presents each under the tree.

I’m just sad that the kids will have comparatively little to open on Christmas Day and that magic of coming down and seeing the tree will be a bit muted. Very much aware that this is a first world problem but I’m saddened it’s come this. DC are 6 and 8 and SO exited about presents. I know people will say it’s good to have something to look forward to on Boxing Day etc, but I know they will be really aware of quantity.

Of course there’s a huge back story with DM. I don’t know how to summarise it suffice to say if she doesn’t get her way on something, she can’t compromise without there being comeback. But this just feels incredibly selfish and unfair on the kids. Is it ok for me to feel this way or do I need to give my head a wobble. I could say something, but the only outcomes are that it will cause a massive arguement and I can’t face that. But I’m fighting the urge to say something. Sorry this is really just a bit of a download. The whole thing with DM is so stressful. It really affects me badly, and having gone through months of treading on eggshells to arrive at this plan for Boxing Day, I never for one minute thought she wouldn’t give the kids their gifts for Christmas Day.

Gosh that’s long. Sorry, thank you if you’ve read it all:

TLDR: Is it ok for DM to keep the kids presents until Boxing Day because she’s decided she doesn’t want to come on Christmas Day.

I’m another not understanding why you’re relying on gifts from your DMum to pad out what the kids have under the tree, why do they only have 3 gifts each regardless? At that age, you can wrap up practically anything for them and make it fun; cheap books, bubble bath, colouring books/crayons, cuddly toys, mini Lego sets, etc. It’s literally your job as a parent to do this…

My mother “doesn’t do Christmas” so we’ll go to her a couple of days later. The kids will get their presents from her then and we’ll give her the gifts we have for her as well. I think unless you have some sort of arrangement with your mother with regards to gifts for your children, it’s unfair to expect them to be given without her present. Now her behaviour, on the other hand, sounds awful.

I can understand you feeling disappointed by the lack of presents under the tree.

It sounds like you expect your Mother to provide the majority of your children's presents.

Surely the majority under the tree are from you and / or Santa / Father Christmas and your mother brings one present from her ( maybe 2 if your brother gives a present too )

I ( and dh ) provided for my children and any / all presents from anyone else were a bonus. and if any presents were given after the ' big day ' then that was great as it extended the excitement - just like a Christmas Eve box started the excitement.

If they have some presents to open on Christmas Day, should be no issue other than to plan for present opening time on Boxing Day.

I'm sorry you're finding things so hard in your relationship with your mum, OP. I have a prickly and defensive mum too, and it's amazing how much energy it takes anticipating and managing the behaviour of someone like that.

I don't think it's necessarily an issue that she wants to give the kids their presents on Boxing Day. Different families do things differently but in ours it's always been the way that people want to see the kids open the gifts they've given. Your DM probably just wants to share that joy.

I'm assuming that the reason you're giving each child 3 presents yourself is financial so absolutely don't put yourself under financial strain for this, but if you wanted to get a couple more low-cost items to wrap for under the tree you still have time. Things like art supplies, novelty socks, sweets, little toys etc can be inexpensive but are still fun to unwrap. But also, if you can't stretch to that, your children will still have a lovely Christmas. The magic of the day is being together and sharing that feeling of love, comfort and peace with your family. You are the essential key to that, not a big pile of presents.

You’re being really unreasonable about this. We have multiple Christmas events with family and we always open presents with them there whether it is Christmas Day, Boxing Day, the 29th or new year. I actually prefer that as it spreads things out a bit. Gift givers should get the credit for the things they’ve bought.

If you had said that your mum was lovely and always had you and your children's best interests at heart, I would have said that you are probably being unreasonable.

As she sounds like a selfish nightmare, I don't think you are being unreasonable. I wouldn't have handed over her present either.

I thought you were going to say she doesn’t want the kids opening any presents on Christmas day and to save them all for Boxing Day. That would have been an issue. This isn’t.

unless there’s some financial reason behind you not buying what you thought was an adequate amount of present for your children, you were unreasonable to expect presents from other people to pad out what was under your tree. Kids that age don’t need expensive items. Pyjamas, chocolates, bath stuff, craft stuff etc. You could spend £20 in B&M and easily have a few more underneath.

It sounds like it has been said, but yeah I don’t get this one. Well I do in that it seems representative of other feelings about your mum, which are valid. But we’ve always just swapped gifts when we are able to see the person, of course they want to see the kids open. I think you just need to be in control of the size of pile you want your kids to have and not depend on others.

She's not being at all unreasonable though, is she?

Do they have a stocking as well as presents under the tree? I would definitely add a couple more presents each, it doesn’t have to be expensive, it can even be practical stuff but when it’s in shiny paper it becomes more exciting.

I don’t see why she can’t watch them open gifts if she’s coming Boxing Day. Be different if it was weeks away but I see no issue tbh.
if you want your kids to have lots under the tree then that’s your responsibility really

If you want loads of gifts under the tree, but then yourself?
Not your mums fault. Of course she wants to see them opening her gifts.

We always opened presents with whoever was giving them when I was growing up and it was nice to spread things out. I think it’s absolutely fine and completely understand your Mum would like to see them open them. If your children have a stocking and something to open from you, this is plenty 🙂

Did you want her gifts to be from Santa? If so, that is really unreasonable!

I only send gifts to people in advance if I am not seeing them over the festive period, otherwise I like to see them open them. Especially with grandchildren! I want to see the excitement and joy.

Your priority is having massive piles of presents.Your DM's priority is watching her GC open what she's bought, regardless if that's 1 gift or 35.

I know who I agree with.

Of course your mum wants to give the presents to the children herself and Boxing Day is fine.

I also can’t work out why your children only have three presents when they are still young. It’s not like they will be having a phone or an iPad or something expensive at that age. Do you mean only three presents on top of what they have from you/Father Christmas? You didn’t explain this in your posts but it sounds like that is all they have from you which I would say is unusual.

Sorry, what??

I don’t see the problem. Every year my brother, partner and kids spend Christmas Day at home (no other extended family/gifts) and on Boxing Day they come over to my parents and open presents from our side of the family. The kids have never known any different, the magic of present opening is spread over 2 days and the kids aren’t overwhelmed with stuff on Xmas Day

So i think DM would obviously want to see the kids open her gifts.. but giving a gift isnt about the gifter.

Is there a compromise where she could keep the main gift until boxing day because it "fell off the sleigh" and give the sticking fillers to make the day better for the kids? She should love them enough that she wants them to have the best time even if she doesnt see it

I dont disagree necessarily but your kids dont know different and OPs do. So I see the problem for her family

It’s normal for grandparents to want to see their grandchildren opren presents, and normal for them to get them on Noxing day. Don’t see a problem with this at all.

I don’t see an issue? Grandparents or family presents should be the cherry on top. Don’t understand why your kids unless money tight only have 3 gifts under the tree. Sounds like you might have been relying on DM to provide the wow factor but as others have said that’s your job. There’s not much ‘to get over’ as agree it all sounds a bit ridiculous.

I would find this odd. Growing up, family gifts were always under the tree before Christmas and opened on Christmas morning. Family never made a fuss about being there to watch their presents being opened. I see that as the adults being a bit needy.

If you’re worried about the number of presents for your children to open on Christmas Day, you could use the money you offered to spend on a hotel room on a few more toys/books to go under the tree?

If I didn’t see my granddaughter on Christmas Day I would probably save the presents to give her on Boxing Day. Not to be making a statement but the joy I would get watching her open them.