DM doesn’t want to come in Christmas Day, keeping the kids presents until Boxing Day

[User545464]

I’m really upset and need a little perspective here. Note this is chat not AIBU please, I’m looking for opinions. DM and DB live 1.45 hours away. We have previously had them to stay overnight, but it’s always been tense and this year with the recent death of MIL, we’re having BIL to stay overnight anyway so there’s no room. I did offer to pay for a hotel, as DM doesn’t want to “spend all of Christmas Day in the car”, but also doesn’t like that I will have bought gravy and bought custard, amongst 101 other ways I do things that she doesn’t like. (I don’t have a range cooker like she does!!! Plus want to spend time with everyone not be cooking all day). So they’ve decided they’ll come on Boxing Day instead.

Which is fine, all absolutely fine. We’re sorry we won’t be seeing them, but we will still hopefully have a lovely Christmas Day and full credit to them for deciding their boundaries and coming up with a plan which works for them.

My issue is that I met them last week, and we’d loosely discussed handing over presents. (Both ways), without being specific on which ones. I’ve bought a few bits for mum to give others and she’s picked up some things for me to give, in addition to what we’re giving each other. The problem is mum has decided she wants to see the kids open their presents so she and DB didn’t bring what they’re giving the kids. On top of this, we obviously don’t have anything from deceased MIL coming, and my aunt will kindly give us money for a day trip rather than something physical to open. Net the kids will have three presents each under the tree.

I’m just sad that the kids will have comparatively little to open on Christmas Day and that magic of coming down and seeing the tree will be a bit muted. Very much aware that this is a first world problem but I’m saddened it’s come this. DC are 6 and 8 and SO exited about presents. I know people will say it’s good to have something to look forward to on Boxing Day etc, but I know they will be really aware of quantity.

Of course there’s a huge back story with DM. I don’t know how to summarise it suffice to say if she doesn’t get her way on something, she can’t compromise without there being comeback. But this just feels incredibly selfish and unfair on the kids. Is it ok for me to feel this way or do I need to give my head a wobble. I could say something, but the only outcomes are that it will cause a massive arguement and I can’t face that. But I’m fighting the urge to say something. Sorry this is really just a bit of a download. The whole thing with DM is so stressful. It really affects me badly, and having gone through months of treading on eggshells to arrive at this plan for Boxing Day, I never for one minute thought she wouldn’t give the kids their gifts for Christmas Day.

Gosh that’s long. Sorry, thank you if you’ve read it all:

TLDR: Is it ok for DM to keep the kids presents until Boxing Day because she’s decided she doesn’t want to come on Christmas Day.

YABU. Of course your Dm wants to see her grandchildren open the presents she’s got them, very reasonable to bring them in Boxing Day. It’s not up to her to ensure there’s lots of presents under the tree, you’re the parent so it’s your job. If you want them to have more on Christmas Day then buy them more.

I would never have relied on others to be responsible for providing 'the magic ' for my children on Christmas morning , I would buy more things for them.
I know it's not all about the presents but 3 isn't many and there are lots of lovely things you could add to it without breaking the bank.
Let you mother do her own thing as you clearly won't win with her.

Helpful, thank you. Everything is different his year. We’re just getting used to it. Perhaps part of the problem is that she didn’t discuss it, which is also another ongoing challenge. For other people I’ve seen her go out her way to ensure they’ve had their gifts for Christmas Day, so when we said we’d swap to meet, I thought that included the kids gifts. I can see I was obviously wrong to assume. I’ll get over it and try and get some more bits and pieces together for the kids.

Sorry OP I do understand your mums point of view here. Plus it gives the kids something to look forward to on Boxing Day. Unfortunately we have very little family who buy for our kids, so I tend to go a bit overboard. I’m really jealous of people with huge families and can rely on them to make the present pile huge!
If you are worried, could you get yourself to Home Bargains or similar? They have loads of very cheap toys and gifts in there that would bulk up the load a bit. I’m sure regardless of presents your kids will still have a lovely day.

How ridiculous you sound.

I think your overall history wirh yiur DM is clouding your feelings on this matter. I think it's very normal she would want to bring them on Boxing Day.

It’s completely normal that she would want to give a six and eight year old the presents she has chosen bought for them herself when she sees them on Boxing Day.

I think this is a family-specific thing. In my family, all presents were for Christmas Day, and holding them back would be seen as a bit insane because Christmas Day is the day for presents.
With DH’s family, it’s the opposite - you get them when you see the person.

I don’t think either are unreasonable

Have you missed off some crucial information here? I’m really not seeing why this is a problem so I’m assuming there is more to it to explain your reaction. Has she helped you fund the Father Christmas presents in the past etc?

In the absence of another explanation, I would argue it’s you as the parent who would be in charge of what’s there for the DCs to open on Christmas morning? I don’t see why this is down to your DM because it’s completely understandable and very obvious why she would want to be there when they open the ones she has got for them.

Thus may be chat but that doesn’t mean I have to agree with you at all

She gets to give the kids her presents of course when she sees them - that’s normal. It’s rude to suggest otherwise

children don’t need huge piles on Christmas Day and will only really be aware of quantity if you make it so.

and you don’t need a range cooker to make gravy and custard yourself quickly either. You don’t have to spend hours in the kitchen if you don’t want to and can cook what you like but the range cooker comment comes across as petty or jealousy or just odd

Not sure sounding sanctimonious lands any better, but you do you.

We did this. Kids would open stuff from my parents on Boxing Day. Spread it all out a bit. Otherwise it can get a bit like an unwrapping frenzy with no attention paid to the contents. Do your children have a stocking as well as the three presents. If so - that is fine. If not then perhaps a couple of small bits each to open might be an idea.

But do the kids need bits and pieces? Don't worry about it.

This is totally normal for her to give her presents she got on the day she sees you. I thought you were going to say she was asking you not to open any presents. That would be unreasonable.

Op

children cant remember what they received for Christmas 10 years later, they remember the fun, the laughter & family being together

can you remember what Santa brought you aged 7? Or the vibe of a Xmas and games etc?

I'm really surprised the 3 presents thing - who are those from and how many does your mum usually buy?

Dh isn't seeing his grandchildren till New Years Eve...that's when they will get their presents.

We're doin similar except we're seeing my parents on Christmas morning for a drink, but it's the whole family, aunts uncles and cousins. So we're holding back presents until we do "our" Christmas together on the 27th. So two Christmas days.

Your kids will have two days of gifts that is a win for them, and of course your mum wants to see them opening them when she is there.

You are being unreasonable, of course she should see the children open their presents. You just tell DC that Nan/Gran is coming tomorrow with her gifts to open then.

Why have your DC only got three presents? Is there no Santa stocking? No presents from other family? Can you get some cheap things to make up a bigger pile to open.

You are being totally unreasonable. It's your job to put the gifts that you want your children to come down stairs to under the tree.

I thought you meant no gifts could be opened until Boxing Day - not just the ones from DM and DS.

I think it's fair that she brings them.the following day when she's there.

I think alot of families do similiar.

You provide the presents from yourself and Santa. That's not your Mums job. Her job is to come with presents from her that she gives to the children and watches them open. I thought that was pretty standard procedure.

Of course she wants to see the kids open her presents. We don’t see DSC until 30th December this year and they will get all of their presents from this side of the family then.

This is how it always worked when I was a kid. Unless you weren’t seeing the person over the festive period, you opened their gifts when you saw them. I usually saw my dad, gran on that side etc on Boxing Day and we exchanged our gifts then. I liked it as it meant you got more than one day of present opening!

I think the problem is relying on gifts from others too heavily. Are the three presents just from you? I accept I go very OTT at Christmas so won’t share our number but three seems on the very frugal side. What about things like books, craft stuff, stocking?