DM doesn’t want to come in Christmas Day, keeping the kids presents until Boxing Day

[User545464]

I’m really upset and need a little perspective here. Note this is chat not AIBU please, I’m looking for opinions. DM and DB live 1.45 hours away. We have previously had them to stay overnight, but it’s always been tense and this year with the recent death of MIL, we’re having BIL to stay overnight anyway so there’s no room. I did offer to pay for a hotel, as DM doesn’t want to “spend all of Christmas Day in the car”, but also doesn’t like that I will have bought gravy and bought custard, amongst 101 other ways I do things that she doesn’t like. (I don’t have a range cooker like she does!!! Plus want to spend time with everyone not be cooking all day). So they’ve decided they’ll come on Boxing Day instead.

Which is fine, all absolutely fine. We’re sorry we won’t be seeing them, but we will still hopefully have a lovely Christmas Day and full credit to them for deciding their boundaries and coming up with a plan which works for them.

My issue is that I met them last week, and we’d loosely discussed handing over presents. (Both ways), without being specific on which ones. I’ve bought a few bits for mum to give others and she’s picked up some things for me to give, in addition to what we’re giving each other. The problem is mum has decided she wants to see the kids open their presents so she and DB didn’t bring what they’re giving the kids. On top of this, we obviously don’t have anything from deceased MIL coming, and my aunt will kindly give us money for a day trip rather than something physical to open. Net the kids will have three presents each under the tree.

I’m just sad that the kids will have comparatively little to open on Christmas Day and that magic of coming down and seeing the tree will be a bit muted. Very much aware that this is a first world problem but I’m saddened it’s come this. DC are 6 and 8 and SO exited about presents. I know people will say it’s good to have something to look forward to on Boxing Day etc, but I know they will be really aware of quantity.

Of course there’s a huge back story with DM. I don’t know how to summarise it suffice to say if she doesn’t get her way on something, she can’t compromise without there being comeback. But this just feels incredibly selfish and unfair on the kids. Is it ok for me to feel this way or do I need to give my head a wobble. I could say something, but the only outcomes are that it will cause a massive arguement and I can’t face that. But I’m fighting the urge to say something. Sorry this is really just a bit of a download. The whole thing with DM is so stressful. It really affects me badly, and having gone through months of treading on eggshells to arrive at this plan for Boxing Day, I never for one minute thought she wouldn’t give the kids their gifts for Christmas Day.

Gosh that’s long. Sorry, thank you if you’ve read it all:

TLDR: Is it ok for DM to keep the kids presents until Boxing Day because she’s decided she doesn’t want to come on Christmas Day.

This is normal. We always opened gifts from our grandparents WITH them. I only had one grandparent past the age of 5. I’m actually splitting my kids presents across Christmas Day and Boxing Day so they are getting their grandparent gifts and some from us Boxing Day (we live abroad so grandparents sent in advance but means we can FaceTime them Boxing Day). I don’t understand your issue honestly but why have you not got your children more than 3?! My kids have about 10 each just from us. Using your mums gifts to cover that they only have 3 is a bit much.

I'm beginning to worry about the level of reading comprehension on here.

Perfectly normal for a relative to bring gifts on whichever day they come. This is probably not about presents but about your relationship with your Mother. I'm seeing so many posts this year with people obsessed with gift quantity for kids. What's going on?

OP - I do understand if you are used to having lots of gifts from family for your dcs, and then a pile to be handed out to family, you have always had that big wow pile of gifts, suddenly realising you won’t without buying it all is tougher.

if you can afford it, go get a couple more gifts each for your DCs. Mentally make them from MIL even if cards read from mummy and daddy. I’d suggest a couple of books each, 8 is definitely in “Guinness book of world records” age range- plus some other chapter books, a couple of books for 6 year old. A selection box each. Some new felt tips or a craft kit to be done for the days between Christmas and new year. Pop to the supermarket today and get these.

Its fine OP and actually quite common. Your children are old enough to understand things have changed a bit - you could add a couple of small things that they need - (not tat for the sake of it but perhaps, stationary items, books, slippers, pyjamas etc) to give them more to open.

Tbh, I’m a mother of adult children and I wouldn’t dream of laying down rules about ‘my presents’ and when they are allowed to open them. I feel sorry that your mother is difficult and fussy. Would it make it easier to think of it as a her problem-and not let it affect you that much. Please do t get too worked up on what happens once a year. Your children will be fine if it’s spread about-bit I do agree with you, it seems petty of her. And the sniffiness about bought custard. Jeez-Life Is Short people. Enjoy being with your kids rather than bitch about gravy. I think yoy need to decide you are all going to have a nice Christmas whatever-and if your mother decides she’s going to spoil hers than that’s up to her. But don’t let her criticism spoil yours.

My Mil always used to give me the children's gifts before Christmas, just because that's the way she'd always done things. (Not my DM). I always thought it was weird, like why would you not want to see the children's joy when opening the gifts you carefully selected for them? She's now come round to my way of thinking because of course she far prefers seeing the children's delight. I'm sure your DM will be the same, remember this is her only chance now of seeing the delight in young children's faces when opening her gifts.

BTW OP if your mum didn’t like supermarket gravy or packet custard, fine. But she’s giving you freedom here - you know her priority is the food, not the company. So you never have to feel guilty about doing what suits you. It was not about spending time with you / grandkids.

(and for future reference, if you fancy skiing it’s often cheaper to go over Christmas than over new year or feb half term…)

v

So your saying you have bought the children 3 presents each ?
I always find no matter how many presents are under the tree they only play with one or 2 mainly anyway and usually piles leads to overwhelm .
Depending on what you have got could you not pad out with cheap bits like colouring books,craft sets few cheap board games etc just for the unwrapping element .
Even little sensory toys/ slimes 🙈 cos Pennines and can be wrapped up .

wow. Yabvu. Of course she she see the children ope the presents. It’s your jobs to buy your kids gifts not hers. Why haven’t you got your kids Santa gifts to open?

Christmas is not about getting - it's about giving.

Your children can focus on their Christmas Day presents, and then have another go on Boxing Day. It sounds like a wonderful plan.

Mine always open theirs from relatives boxing day if that's when they're seeing them.

Also under the tree is gifts from us. It's not anyone else job to bulk it up with their gifts.
We make the magic for that. T

As a child I loved getting Xmas presents on Xmas day from parents and then boxing day was like a whole re run of Xmas day from extended family your kids will love it as it will give them a chance to enjoy your presents them enjoy a second batch without overwhelm .

one of the best things about buying children presents is seeing their excitement as they open them. Why should your mum miss this? If you don’t think there will be enough presents for your dc to open them it’s your responsibility to buy more?

Do you know what I’ve only just realised reading the comments. When DB and I were growing up, her mother, my Gran, was in a different country until we were 11. So she never saw us at all over Christmas nor opening any of the presents she sent (which she did). Plus DM never had to host anyone.
I was just thinking back to what I remember from childhood Christmases and realised it was only ever us. Ironic.

I get what you mean about the tree but there isn't much you can do about how many people in your family bring gifts. I don't think two gifts that are missing will make a lot of difference and it's absolutely fine for them to give them to them on Boxing Day. In fact, they will probably be excited about it if you tell them.
If you want the tree to have more gifts under it then you will just have to buy more things yourself, perhaps a couple of fairly inexpensive gifts like books, stationery, or some kind of accessory.

@Pennyfan

”Tbh, I’m a mother of adult children and I wouldn’t dream of laying down rules about ‘my presents’ and when they are allowed to open them. ”

You could argue that the other way and say that dil shouldn’t dictate when the dc open the gifts from mil.

We would always open our presents from our dgm on Boxing Day . It spreads the fun.

lol, "only beginning"?

But why would you?

I think her comment was aimed at you 😂

Especially as its a 3 hour round trip for dm

Yes, it’s fine. Boxing Day surprises are lovely.

Doesn't Father Christmas come in the night and leave a stocking in bedroom AND a pile of stuff in the living room for each child?
Not in my house. Stockings only. Everything else is from who it is from and under the tree whenever it is wrapped and ready to be. No piles of anything.

It’s very reasonable that she wants to see them open their gifts from her. Sorry this means that there won’t be much under the tree, but you either have to manage their expectations (and yours) in that regard, or put more under the tree. It’s not MIL or extended families responsibility I’m afraid. YABU.